sweetgrass

I'm new to this forum so unsure as to how to begin. I'm 56 and I've been married 22 years to my husband. IT's been a rocky marriage. He's a good man and that's why I stay with him but he's been hooked on oxycontin for years now and is making a mess out of our relationship. He is prescribed these pills for what he says is a degenerative back problem and also scoriatic arthritis. to make a long story short, he's been in rehab 4 times for it and each time goes right back to it. he's cleaned out our savings and our checking and for the first time in my life, had to ask my mother for help. This is not my first marriage. I had 2 sons w/my previous marriage to an Air Force guy. When he left me, he left me w/out a car. i had 30 days to get out of base housing. had to look for a job and a place to live but w/out a car or money. i was only 22 and i had nobody around to help me or to tell me i needed to get my own lawyer, that i was to have lots more than what i was left with. i know these things now............but regardless, i made it on my own, never went home to Mom altho i could have. she was a wonderful person. i say was cause she passed away Dec. 2011 from Alzheimer's. i cared for her after i brought her to my hometown to live. first time we lived in the same town and she barely knows me. it was so heartbreaking. was so sad to know my Mom was leaving ths earth like that. she always took pride on taking care of herself and being independent. Thru all of her care, i had to deal w/my husband misusing his pills. he would act so horrible. do the strangest things. i finally had him give me the pills so i could dole them out to him each day since he couldn't seem to take them right. even tho i do this, he still tries to find my hiding place and get more. i didn't know this for awhile until i decided to count them everyday. also, he would end up short and have to go a few days w/none or so i thought.........he was actually buying them off friends or whomever. Its a big game to him to try and find where i've stashed the pills. its stressful to me..........and i get mad at the whole scene. what kind of marriage did this turn out to be? i don't like any of this drug stuff and here i am feeling like i'm aiding and abetting. i choose to give them to him since the consequences for not doing so are worse! he gets so mad and also in withdrawls he can't go to work. we have so much together after all these years but he is messing things up badly. the things he's done taking all these pills would take a book! i've written lots of it in my journal down thru the years. when i read back a ways........its just pitiful. he is wonderful to my two boys and they love him and they have a good relationship. we've all done some fun things. i want it to stay like that. i want him to be the man i married not some guy i mistrust. the last straw was when i found him chatting w/women on FB saying some sexual stuff that was very inappropriate. actually it was downright nasty. I was so mad and hurt and confronted him. He said it didn't mean anything and not to make a big deal out of it. well, to me its a big deal that he is saying things like that to other women. especially after me standing by him all these years. it just makes me so mad. i intended to leave him right then but here i am in this lovely house that used to belong to my mother and i i'm thinking, why should i be the one to leave? to go out and find some apartment? like i did way back w/my kids? after all this time i have to do that? He needs to leave. i told him so but he refused. we have gone to counseling over this.......he stated the pills make him so high and so outgoing that he does this. he stayed off FB for a few months only to be back on now. so i'm once again not trusting him each day wondering who he's messaging etc. more stress. trust is a big thing and when its missing..........things just don't feel right. so, this is what my problem is. i know i'm living a life i dont agree with or want but i keep hoping he will stop these meds or at least the abuse of them soon. i'm not up on drugs but i think he is fighting a losiing battle. its also something i think i'm unable to fix. i cant fix him therefore i can't fix us. what to do....

Dee74

Hi sweetgrass - I moved your thread to this forum - I know you'll get a lot of response and support here.

I think waiting for someone to change is understandable - but he may never change.
If this is not the life you want - think about the life you do want, and then think about what you need to do to get there.

If you decide to leave, or want to force him to leave, I think you're best to consult a lawyer to find out exactly what your legal entitlements are.

I'm really glad you found us

D

dollydo

So sorry about this situation, it sounds like he has an addiction issue, and some other behavioral problems as well.

You are right, you cannot fix him.

Honestly, I would talk with an attorney, find out what your legal rights are. It doesn't mean that you have to do anything right this minute or any time in the future, however, I would consider it important to know what your options are.

If you are not attending Naranon meetings, I would consider doing so. Also take some time to read the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs, lots of good information at your fingertips.

Keep posting, it will help.

sweetgrass

Thanks so much for the encouragement. I believe in the near future, I will consult w/a lawyer as to my rights. Seems if he is the problem, then he ought to leave bu,t I know how laws can be and they don't always go with the situation or like you want them to. I feel in my heart that I'd be sad if it came to a divorce and he had to get all his stuff and leave because we've worked so hard on our home.But....again i think also of what all goes on here and even at our last house where we lived for 20 years. Many bad times there. I failed to mention that I am also a Stage III colon cancer survivor. Thru all of the marital mess and the years taking care of my Mom, I have tried to be thankful to just be alive. making it thru the chemo and all the stress that goes w/that while keeping things going at home was not easy. My doctors telling me to try to stay stressfree and eat right etc etc. was easier said than done. My husband helped me a lot but in turn, would make my heart pound and make me feel like my life was coming apart. Now that my mother is gone, I feel very sad and even sadder when I think of the way I'm treated after staying in our marriage knowing I will have to endure more problems from the meds he uses. the uncertainty is awful. I hate knowing that a day of happiness w/him is short-lived. something will happen to dampen that. it never fails. can i go on like this? probably. Heck, I've endured so far. But, is it fair to me? maybe I have all i'm supposed to have. I don't know. Maybe i'm asking for too much. Some people have worse problems than me. Wanting a partner that i don't have to worry is going to do weird things due to pills would be so nice but is the majority of America living like this? Seems to be a lot of people out there hooked on prescription meds. How do others do it and do they complain? Are they just happy w/the good days? I know i've lost respect for him and I don't feel close to him but I can abide him and be with him intimately but I feel no connection. I am angry inside at his lack of understanding his problem and that he is not doing right by me. or by himself. i resent that his first thought in the morning is to get his pills and being i'm in charge of them at the moment.......I have to wake and think about them too. i hate the whole scene.....Thanks to those who responded. you are right.....I need to find out what is ahead of me and what my options are. I don't make a whole lot of money but have a decent job that i've been at for almost 30 years. I have a car w/a payment of $400 but it will be paid off in 1 more year. There is no mortgage on this house. My mother bought it straight out. I have taxes and insurance etc tho so if I could, i'd like to make sure i have enough money to live in the house if i try to keep it. once the cars paid off, i feel i can swing it and live ok. what he will do i don't know. That bothers me because I don't want bad things to happen to him. that's why i'm torn...........I guess I'm not mean enough. I just wish I were so i wouldn't feel so wishy washy. I'd just act.

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR sweetgrass. I'm glad you found us. There are many many people here who understand the stress of living with an active addict.

You made a very important statement in your first post. You can't fix him. You can't fix "us" but you CAN fix you.....and with all of your experiences, taking time to take care of yourself first and foremost......that's what is really important.

I would highly encourage you to seek personal counseling and perhaps attend Al-Anon or Nar-Anon (those meetings are free!). There are a lot of things that you can do to make your life more manageable and happy whether he continues to abuse prescriptions or not. It's just a matter of making the decision to commit yourself to making your own life better.

Sometimes.....when we're living the chaos that comes with addiction.....we change too. We become someone other than who we really are.....we become grumpy, nagging, unhappy, etc. There is a way to change all of that when you're ready. It's usually a matter of getting sick and tired of being sick and tired.

gentle hugs
ke

horriblethisis

Sweetgrass,

So sorry that you are going through all of this. I too was married for a long time (25 years). My husband has "degenerative back" problems as well. Long story short...I went through many of the things you are now experiencing. I feel your pain and I am sorry. Just over 2 weeks ago, I left my husband and got myself out of that situation. I filed for divorce and I am not going to let his manipulative ways make me turn back. We never know how long we have on this earth, but we do know that we have a right to be happy. Be happy Sweetgrass...and do what you need to do to make that happen. Be strong, and take care of yourself. Sounds like you need to start thinking more of yourself and your own recovery. I wish you the best...

sweetgrass

horriblethisis..............you really hit a nerve w/your comment and I thank you with all my heart. Having had cancer, I know the fear of maybe not being here for long and since my remission, I just want to be happy and to live the best life I can. I have wonderful children and grandchildren and they make me very, very happy. I'm blessed in so many ways. My husband can be good and kind and caring and all those things but those times are short-lived and we are back in chaos before we know it. Living w/so much uncertainty, plus the whole scene from the meds, makes me want to just end the marriage so that maybe, just maybe I could find a normal relationship or else live a calmer life on my own. When he's doing well.....its hard to hand him divorce papers. it makes me feel mean and thiink I'm being ungrateful for all he's done right. Strange how i can go from almost hating him to not. When i add up all the crazy times, I should be running out the door. I am a strong woman, i know that from all i've been thru and I can take a lot. Just don't want to totally lose myself. thank you for you words of wisdom. I hope you are doing well as things are still fresh for you. You sound strong and determined and I envy you and the decision you made. I wish you the best too. Please keep in touch...........

Vale

sweetgrass,
You will always have a place to go where people understand.
That is what has made SR so valuable to me.Oxy's took the life
of someone I cared about.Without SR I would have had to grieve
all alone.

sweetgrass

Vale, I'm so sorry to hear you've lost someone dear to you. May I ask how it happened? you say due to Oxy..........this is scary. Please tell me what can happen that might affect my husband.
So very glad I found SR and that people like you are doing their best to help me. I look forward each day now to getting on my computer and reading responses. It's all helped me a lot and my outlook today seems brighter...............

Vale

Sweetgrass,

I'd rather not go into the clinical details.Suffice to say this is a varsity game
(just like life)....and there is no reset button.

My best understanding of the disease is this:
We all have dreams of what we want and where we want to be in life.
Along the way,we encounter roadblocks.....things that stand in our way,
things that 'get in the way' of getting what we want.

("If I was richer,thinner,got a degree,etc.")

Drugs take all that away.All the obstacles become unimportant.That dream
job? Drugs make you feel BETTER than the day you won it! One is reminded of
Hawkeye's answer to Radar O'Reily's question on the TV show MASH:

Radar: "Does that (drinking) make you feel better?"
Hawkeye: "It makes you feel nothing".

I watched a middle aged Mom turn her back on a home,husband,son & daughter
she loved more than ANYTHING.Ended up living with a hard time repeat felon as his
dog/maid/toy.Getting beat up,dissed,treated like dogsh*t....
and that was just what she ADMITTED.

With the help of SR.I learned there was very little I could do if she did not want out
of 'the lifestyle' (deathstyle!).So I went NC (no contact).....forever.

Drugs are kind of like an affair.Someone showing you their best face,telling you
everything you want to hear,being your knight in shining armor.So apart,so different
from the 'schlubs' we are married to.

But at the end of the day---at least the schlub is REAL.Paying the mortgage,holding
it together,being flattered by the 'come hithers' but not taking the bait.Drugs are a big
piece of catnip,bait for the unwary.......with a hook that will go straight to your gut--
good luck trying to huck it up!Like the advice my kids were given since they were
young "Once you bite that hook---you'd better enjoy that worm!".

Meanwhile,life went on.Just because she checked out didn't mean life stopped.
A lonely lady that worked in the same insurance consortium she (once) did saw a
good thing (her ex-husband.....stable,kind,with a career and a future)

......and snapped him up.No abort/U-turn option any more.

Like Pandora's box----be careful of things too good to be true.Drugs are the high,
the payoff--without any of the hard work to get there.Some people regard that
(payoff without effort) to be like winning the lottery...an unqualified good.In fact,it
can be an unmitigated evil.

Arriving is not nearly as fullfiling as striving and fighting to get there--
enjoy the journey!

It is a battle you husband must fight and win using only the content of his own character.

You cannot do it for him.

And SR is for YOU.You have value.YOU deserve good treament.And don't you DARE
ever let anyone tell you that you don't!

sweetgrass

Vale, your words make a lot of sense.......all that you told me seemed like quite the mess. so sorry. must have been very hard.
My only hope is my husband can continue to manage on what meds he's given and not go looking for additives. more of the same or something different. I think you can get used to the amount of Oxy given and then you will need more to feel the way you initially felt. Sad that the doctor keeps upping the dose just because he's told its not working anymore. Oxy must be very additive because once after going thru rehab, my husband knew he had his regular doctor appt that day, left rehab, went to that appt. and by the time he was home, he was back on the Oxy. i thought he was ok but later I saw him buzzing around the house and then he laughingly told me he was back on Oxy...ha ha and what was I gonna do about it? Well my stomach just turned inside out thinking here we go again. He had cleaned out our savings and checking account and run up our credit card. He has since gone to a pain managment dr. and is just doing ok. he goes to work, he does stuff around the house etc. but we have these times when he does something extra w/whatever he is getting from someone, and acts weird and this is how my life goes. I saw a clear patch on his chest and I know what those are. He has this on even tho I'm giving him the pills everyday? I see it has a hold on him and its his first thought everyday when he wakes. He has turned into a liar which is not the man I once knew. I don't trust him at all. This makes me sad. I don't see how anything is going to change. Like everyone posting here....I have to think of me. I keep thinking of him and trying to get him to act right but I have to understand how things really are. I can't live his life for him. I've got to live mine before its too late. I'm glad I found SR.............its the first time I've gotten anybody to really see the situation. sure i have friends who ask hows things and tell me to leave him but, they are as clueless as I am about all this. It's not easy to know what's best to do. I need to know what will become of me, of him...if we split up. he says he is not going back to a rehab and going thru withdrawls. why I care what he does i don't know. If i give him back his pills and no longer give them to him, he will surely screw up and then there goes the job etc. everything will crumble. There again, it seems I'm the glue. I can't live the life I want with him but if I leave him in a worse mess than he is now will I be able to live w/it? I'm not sure i can. Like you say, I have value too and I deserve good treatment. I just don't know where to begine. I have to totally give up on him in order to move on.

EnglishGarden

"...but I have to understand how things really are."

That is a very strong statement and is the core of your challenge. One must see things as they are. Not as they once were. Nor how they might be. But as they are.

One of the great hurdles we have to overcome is believing that because we put X amount of money, love, energy, devotion, etc. into a marriage, then we deserve something out of it today. And many times we force ourselves to stay put, no matter how miserable we are, because we want to hold what we think we are owed-- tight in our fist-- because we, by God, deserve it.

But in doing so, we deny "how things really are." We refuse to face the facts of our situation and take action based on those facts, and instead we argue that things ought to be different and if they aren't different now, well then we'll just hold on even tighter to this life we are unwilling to change (because we think we deserve it and the things that come with it). And we think that maybe tomorrow we will get what we want: that is, life to turn out like we think it should.

Your husband is a drug addict who puts drugs first in his life. Yours is a marriage without trust. A relationship without trust is but ashes in the wind. It has no anchor to secure it. You cannot count on him or turn to him or reveal yourself to him. And those are the facts you face today.

It has been a long marriage but it has changed. It is not the same marriage. See it for what it is today. And do whatever you need or want to do about that. But try not to live in the past. And try not to project your version of how you think life should be in the future. Because that future is not real.

You say you "have to know what will become of him." That you are reluctant to "give up on him" in order to make needed changes in your life (based on the facts). This is the language of codependency: it implies you have power to change him, save him, direct him. He is not yours. He does not belong to you. He is not yours to give up on because you are not the person or the divine power keeping him alive or keeping him tethered just enough that he does not destroy every last thing he is or has. He is a separate adult human being and he is not yours to manage like a child. This is what we finally must face in ourselves when we enter our own recovery: that we have too long treated our addicted loved one like a child.

Drugged or not, he is master of his own ship. Let him sail it. To do otherwise is to dishonor him.

Vale

EG wrote:

>>>>Drugged or not, he is master of his own ship. Let him sail it. To do otherwise is to dishonor him.<<<<<<

.......Leave it to EG to summarize my keyboard diarrhea into 1 sentence!!!!!!!

Vale

...and yes I know how to spell fullfillment and treatment!
(what I DON'T know how to do is proofread!)