I didn't make him dinner again!
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I didn't make him dinner again!
How dare I not prepare a lovely dinner for my detoxing husband. I am such a horrible wife. Say it isn't so!!
I told him "he is not to define my roles as a wife and should really work on defining his own roles as a husband and live up to them before we ever have this discussion again."
So then he wants to talk.
All I could think of was Kindeye's signature line. Don't invite crazy to the party and expect sanity to show up. (Thank you KEs for the humor, lol) I politely told him I was not going to have "this" conversation until I came home from my trip. He agreed but really didn't let it drop. I suspected he wanted to have a fight so he could have an excuse to go have a few drinks, buy pills or both. I told him he didn't need an excuse, he was a grown man and was "entitled" do whatever he wanted. Of course, I was so far off base. He was going to his special little professional men's addict support group tonight. I said Do what you want and I mean it. (like the gerbil in The Language of Letting Go). And the best part is - I do mean it.
He doesn't like my new cold demeanor.
Uhm, excuse me, you are confusing cold with indifference. 
Then I got the old tried and true tactic of this is why we shouldn't be together for at least the first 60 days of his "recovery." Ah yes, lets try and play on my fears of abandonment. Oh wait, they are not there anymore. So I said, I agree, I will just stay with my Godchild for a while longer. You should have seen the look on his face.
Then I was told how I just use him for money which is not totally untrue right now, TBH. So I lowered my voice, looked him right in the eyes and said "There is not enough money in this world that would make me live with some one who lies to my face, tries to manipulate me and mind f*** me. My sanity has no price." Then I got up and left the room. I wasn't mad or upset, the conversation was just OVER.
Guess what?? I am going to stay longer now and she is thrilled. Geez, I wonder how is he going to eat now.
Working my recovery has been the BEST thing I have ever done for myself.
I told him "he is not to define my roles as a wife and should really work on defining his own roles as a husband and live up to them before we ever have this discussion again."
So then he wants to talk.
All I could think of was Kindeye's signature line. Don't invite crazy to the party and expect sanity to show up. (Thank you KEs for the humor, lol) I politely told him I was not going to have "this" conversation until I came home from my trip. He agreed but really didn't let it drop. I suspected he wanted to have a fight so he could have an excuse to go have a few drinks, buy pills or both. I told him he didn't need an excuse, he was a grown man and was "entitled" do whatever he wanted. Of course, I was so far off base. He was going to his special little professional men's addict support group tonight. I said Do what you want and I mean it. (like the gerbil in The Language of Letting Go). And the best part is - I do mean it. He doesn't like my new cold demeanor.
Uhm, excuse me, you are confusing cold with indifference. Then I got the old tried and true tactic of this is why we shouldn't be together for at least the first 60 days of his "recovery." Ah yes, lets try and play on my fears of abandonment. Oh wait, they are not there anymore. So I said, I agree, I will just stay with my Godchild for a while longer. You should have seen the look on his face.
Then I was told how I just use him for money which is not totally untrue right now, TBH. So I lowered my voice, looked him right in the eyes and said "There is not enough money in this world that would make me live with some one who lies to my face, tries to manipulate me and mind f*** me. My sanity has no price." Then I got up and left the room. I wasn't mad or upset, the conversation was just OVER.
Guess what?? I am going to stay longer now and she is thrilled. Geez, I wonder how is he going to eat now.
Working my recovery has been the BEST thing I have ever done for myself.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by Ann 
Could you maybe at least leave him a couple of take-out menus? 
Enjoy your trip, find peace in your own space for a while. You deserve it.
Hugs
Enjoy your trip, find peace in your own space for a while. You deserve it.
Hugs
Oh, I am so looking forward to the peace and clarity.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Good for you! You actually kept "crazy" from coming to the party!
I have that fear of abandonment too.....but as a wise friend told me "grown ups can't be abandoned".....it helped me a whole lot. I still get triggered but it's getting easier to realize that as long as I have "me" then I can't be abandoned.
I'm glad that you are getting away from him for awhile. I know that this is a poignant/bittersweet trip but it sounds like you are going to be able to focus on what's important.
Nothing changes if nothing changes - and girl! You are changing!
I have that fear of abandonment too.....but as a wise friend told me "grown ups can't be abandoned".....it helped me a whole lot. I still get triggered but it's getting easier to realize that as long as I have "me" then I can't be abandoned.
I'm glad that you are getting away from him for awhile. I know that this is a poignant/bittersweet trip but it sounds like you are going to be able to focus on what's important.
Nothing changes if nothing changes - and girl! You are changing!
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
My best friend just called, asked me to be her Valentine and then out to go out for dinner tomorrow night. She then invited me to move in her for a while but I could never do that. She just doesn't want me to leave the area, lol. But.....she did find me a cute condo that will take my dogs. She knows the owner very well, got the key and will be my reference. So, we will be going to look at it tomorrow. I am so excited now, I wont be able to sleep.
Oh, so I have been putting a big pillow between me and him in our bed. Apparently, he got the message loud and clear because he wouldn't stop asking me about it tonight. Uhmm yep, you stay on your side, and I will stay on mine. Personally, I would prefer he go to another bedroom or the couch but I am just trying to keep the peace until I leave. My friend just told me she will take me to the airport too....so I am relieved about that. My only concern is that I need him to take care of my dogs until I decide to get back. That part gets tricky.
Oh, so I have been putting a big pillow between me and him in our bed. Apparently, he got the message loud and clear because he wouldn't stop asking me about it tonight. Uhmm yep, you stay on your side, and I will stay on mine.
Personally, I would prefer he go to another bedroom or the couch but I am just trying to keep the peace until I leave. My friend just told me she will take me to the airport too....so I am relieved about that. My only concern is that I need him to take care of my dogs until I decide to get back. That part gets tricky.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
I talked to my brother (17 months clean) today about this very topic - the addict that wants everything to be about his/her own recovery the minute they make the slightest motion toward getting clean, with no respect for what the other folks in their lives are experiencing.
He laughed and said "Oh yes, the one that sits in the middle of a storm ravaged house saying 'What's the problem? The wind stop blowing an hour ago!'"
He laughed and said "Oh yes, the one that sits in the middle of a storm ravaged house saying 'What's the problem? The wind stop blowing an hour ago!'"
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Wow! You are a courageous and honest wife! I applaud your taking a stand about the dinner thing, isn't it ridiculous how entitled our spouses are (either addict or no, I think this is a man thing (sorry to any men this may offend!). You will be fine through this as your freedom is within your next step!
Hugs,
TT
Hugs,
TT
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