Boyfriend got clean without help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 5
Boyfriend got clean without help
My boyfriend was an addict and got clean in June 2012. I had left him but we got back together after he became clean. I am always worried he will relapse. He put me through hell and back and I don't want me or my daughter to get hurt. ( I was pregnant at the time of the addiction). The thing that worried me the most is that he never went through any steps, he even has a hard time admitting he was an addict. I always hear "the first step is admitting you have a problem", he doesnt admit he ever had a problem, only that he was being stupid. I told him if he wanted to go see an addiction counsellor I would support him and even go with him if he wanted. But he has no interest in it what so ever. I'm not sure how to trust him again and not alway have the fear he will fall back into that lifestyle. He says he has no desire to use again, and when he decided to quit it was easy cause he knew that it wasn't what he wanted (he was addicted to cocaine). I just feel like we're kind of stuck and not able to move forward. Any advice is appreciated
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I don't know the answer. I have met several men who were addicted to pain pills for a short
period of time, like a year or less, who were able to kick it and not go back, I often question if is was because of the short term of the addiction or the drug itself.
Now, we have my exabf,a crack cocaine user for 20+ years, tried several structured recovery programs, tried white knuckling it...over and over again...all to no avail, always went back to that drug or another, I am convinced that he will die an active user. Too much water under the bridge.
Personally, I wouldn't get back together unless one was working a strong recovery program and clean for at least a year....especially because there is a minor child involved.
Have you read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie? Been to any Naranon meetings? If not, I would suggest that you do both. Also take some times to read the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs.
Keep posting, it will help.
period of time, like a year or less, who were able to kick it and not go back, I often question if is was because of the short term of the addiction or the drug itself.
Now, we have my exabf,a crack cocaine user for 20+ years, tried several structured recovery programs, tried white knuckling it...over and over again...all to no avail, always went back to that drug or another, I am convinced that he will die an active user. Too much water under the bridge.
Personally, I wouldn't get back together unless one was working a strong recovery program and clean for at least a year....especially because there is a minor child involved.
Have you read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie? Been to any Naranon meetings? If not, I would suggest that you do both. Also take some times to read the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs.
Keep posting, it will help.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
these are all good questions and issues that you are pondering. I can't tell you what to do but I can speak of my experiene when I was questioning....myself, another, the other person's actions or lack thereof.....
When I had questions it was because a very wise part of myself was seeing what the rest of me did not want to see. It's why I can look back and recognize now that all of the warning signs were there....I just chose to explain them away.
If you could depersonalize your situation - say, someone on the same bus with you that wanted to talk and sought your advice.....what would you tell them? You can be objective because your emotions are not involved....I'd say to this person "it sounds like there is trust lacking...deep down you are not confident that he is going to remain clean. You and your daughter will be hurt and damaged if he relapses. Maybe the problem isn't that you don't trust him, maybe you don't trust yourself to do what you need to do to protect you and your daughter?"
Anytime I haven't trusted another person it really means that I've quit trusting myself and potentially I am not maintaining my boundaries. Trust is not something that is given - it is earned. I don't see any reason to trust someone that your intuition is telling you not to trust. Instead of worrying about trying to trust him/not worry about him why not focus on learning how to trust yourself?
When I had questions it was because a very wise part of myself was seeing what the rest of me did not want to see. It's why I can look back and recognize now that all of the warning signs were there....I just chose to explain them away.
If you could depersonalize your situation - say, someone on the same bus with you that wanted to talk and sought your advice.....what would you tell them? You can be objective because your emotions are not involved....I'd say to this person "it sounds like there is trust lacking...deep down you are not confident that he is going to remain clean. You and your daughter will be hurt and damaged if he relapses. Maybe the problem isn't that you don't trust him, maybe you don't trust yourself to do what you need to do to protect you and your daughter?"
Anytime I haven't trusted another person it really means that I've quit trusting myself and potentially I am not maintaining my boundaries. Trust is not something that is given - it is earned. I don't see any reason to trust someone that your intuition is telling you not to trust. Instead of worrying about trying to trust him/not worry about him why not focus on learning how to trust yourself?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR......I'm glad you found this forum. It is a wonderful resource.
People stop doing drugs without a program all the time. This would be possible for someone who is not addicted and is "just being stupid". Addicts typically can't just stop without some means of dealing with it (a program of recovery of some kind or therapy).
We are very big on self care around here.......taking care of ourselves first because many of us have put the addict's needs before our own for a very long time. In the process of dealing with their active addiction, we sometimes also get sick (physically, psychologically, and/or spiritually).
I hope you stick around, read, post, ask questions and most of all......take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
People stop doing drugs without a program all the time. This would be possible for someone who is not addicted and is "just being stupid". Addicts typically can't just stop without some means of dealing with it (a program of recovery of some kind or therapy).
We are very big on self care around here.......taking care of ourselves first because many of us have put the addict's needs before our own for a very long time. In the process of dealing with their active addiction, we sometimes also get sick (physically, psychologically, and/or spiritually).
I hope you stick around, read, post, ask questions and most of all......take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Clueless)) - I'm a recovering crack addict. My "program" is a lot of what I learned in AA, years ago, plus a lot of what I've learned here.
I'm also a recovering codependent and have/had loved ones using. I left my bf, as he wanted to continue smoking crack and I didn't. I finally had to accept that even if he worked a strong recovery program for years, a line had been crossed and I would never trust him again.
I don't know what the answer is. I know I'm one bad decision away from going back to my old life, so I do what I need to to not go there. I also know that we are never guaranteed a "happy forever after", some people get married..have several years of a good life and then a spouse becomes addicted.
What I DO know is taking care of ourselves is priority one. I have to live my life knowing that I will be okay, no matter what someone else does. That's where the great people, here, help so much.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I'm also a recovering codependent and have/had loved ones using. I left my bf, as he wanted to continue smoking crack and I didn't. I finally had to accept that even if he worked a strong recovery program for years, a line had been crossed and I would never trust him again.
I don't know what the answer is. I know I'm one bad decision away from going back to my old life, so I do what I need to to not go there. I also know that we are never guaranteed a "happy forever after", some people get married..have several years of a good life and then a spouse becomes addicted.
What I DO know is taking care of ourselves is priority one. I have to live my life knowing that I will be okay, no matter what someone else does. That's where the great people, here, help so much.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 5
Thanks so much for the replies. This forum is great.
I think I do have issues with trusting myself. From what I read, he had all the qualities of being an addict. He no longer talked to his former friends & family, had no contact at all. He spent all of his, and my money on it (about 10k within just a couple months), he quit his job, he was also going to school and quit that.. Everythig he once lived for was gone. Before I left him, I didn't even know he was an addict. I knew his behaviour was strange but I never knew about addiction or anything. I guess I was kind of naive. I blamed his behaviour on myself, and he also blamed me. He would leave me for days at a time, and would say he needed to get away from me. I always wondered what I did wrong. It as definitely not a healthy relationship. I moved across the country to be with him. ( we were together 7 years before) so I had no family or friends to go too. He left one time for a couple weeks and never came back. So I had no choice but to leave. Now I am home with my family and friends, he has moved here to be with me and our daughter. He is showing great signs of recovery. He is being healthy, working out, he regained interest in his old hobbies, and has found a great job. I think most of my issues are with myself and I'm glad you guys pointed that out. I need to learn to trust myself and know that no matter what he choses to do with his life, I will be ok. One of my biggest problems with our relationship is he won't admit he made a mistake, I always end of finding out from someone else. I think working on myself is the best thing I can do right now, thanks again for the replies
I think I do have issues with trusting myself. From what I read, he had all the qualities of being an addict. He no longer talked to his former friends & family, had no contact at all. He spent all of his, and my money on it (about 10k within just a couple months), he quit his job, he was also going to school and quit that.. Everythig he once lived for was gone. Before I left him, I didn't even know he was an addict. I knew his behaviour was strange but I never knew about addiction or anything. I guess I was kind of naive. I blamed his behaviour on myself, and he also blamed me. He would leave me for days at a time, and would say he needed to get away from me. I always wondered what I did wrong. It as definitely not a healthy relationship. I moved across the country to be with him. ( we were together 7 years before) so I had no family or friends to go too. He left one time for a couple weeks and never came back. So I had no choice but to leave. Now I am home with my family and friends, he has moved here to be with me and our daughter. He is showing great signs of recovery. He is being healthy, working out, he regained interest in his old hobbies, and has found a great job. I think most of my issues are with myself and I'm glad you guys pointed that out. I need to learn to trust myself and know that no matter what he choses to do with his life, I will be ok. One of my biggest problems with our relationship is he won't admit he made a mistake, I always end of finding out from someone else. I think working on myself is the best thing I can do right now, thanks again for the replies
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Welcome to Sober Recovery!!! There are lots and lots of really great folks here
who have been where you are or are where you are, and they are more than
willing to share their Experience, Strength, and Hope (ES&H).
As to your current dilemma about your ABF, I can only share my own experiences
of not only being an Alcoholic/Addict but also being very codependent at one time.
Amy is so correct, any of us in recovery from not only alcohol and/or drugs but
our own codependency are just one bad decision from going back to our old life.
With lots of work on our own selves, we/I have been able to stay sober
and clean. It can be done, and a pretty darn good life can result, if we
continue to work and practice our new attitudes. There are millions
of us that do this on a daily basis.
Now I have known, and do know, over these 31+ years I have been sober and
clean, some folks that have gotten 'sober and/or clean' without any
program of any kind. However, the folks I know, every one of them,
decided after a year or so of white knuckling it (a term that is some-
times used to describe a person who is doing it on their own) did find some help,
be it 'a program' or private counseling one on one.
IMO based on my experiences, unless he deals with the underlying issues of
what the 'causes' were for his 'using' to begin with, he will not be able to stay
clean.
Your trust issues are valid!!! Take care of you and your daughter!
Program or no program, if I were you, I would not move back in with him UNTIL
his actions NOT his words show serious changes in his attitudes, his philosophy
on life and his actions. That can take a year or more with someone who is living a
program and much longer in one who is white knuckling his recovery.
Please go to the beginning of this forum, and start reading the stickys the
threads that are 'locked.' Also start reading some of the other threads on here, as
all of that will give you a better idea of what you need to do for you and your daughter.
You might also want to check out Naranon or Alanon for YOU. I mention Alanon also,
because even though it started out as a program for friends and families of alcoholics,
you will be more than welcome, and in most areas there are many more meetings
at different times, than there are Naranon meetings. And yes, at many of the Alanon
meetings you would be allowed to bring your baby daughter as longs as she was
quiet and not causing a ruckus. I cannot tell you how many meetings I have been to
where one or more "Moms" have brought their little ones with. And many times if
a young one gets 'fussy' one of the other members will be more than happy to take
the baby out of the room and calm it down, so that the newcomer can listen and
possibly share for that person's recovery.
If you feel that meetings are not an option for you right now, you might want to
also check into getting some one on one counseling with a therapist who specializes
in addictions. Many therapists have a 'sliding scale' for those with little money to
spend.
Whatever you decide, please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, as
we do care very much. This is a place where you can vent ................ rant, rave,
scream, cry and yes even laugh. We know, we have been there, and we will walk
this journey with you in spirit.
Love and hugs,
who have been where you are or are where you are, and they are more than
willing to share their Experience, Strength, and Hope (ES&H).
As to your current dilemma about your ABF, I can only share my own experiences
of not only being an Alcoholic/Addict but also being very codependent at one time.
Amy is so correct, any of us in recovery from not only alcohol and/or drugs but
our own codependency are just one bad decision from going back to our old life.
With lots of work on our own selves, we/I have been able to stay sober
and clean. It can be done, and a pretty darn good life can result, if we
continue to work and practice our new attitudes. There are millions
of us that do this on a daily basis.
Now I have known, and do know, over these 31+ years I have been sober and
clean, some folks that have gotten 'sober and/or clean' without any
program of any kind. However, the folks I know, every one of them,
decided after a year or so of white knuckling it (a term that is some-
times used to describe a person who is doing it on their own) did find some help,
be it 'a program' or private counseling one on one.
IMO based on my experiences, unless he deals with the underlying issues of
what the 'causes' were for his 'using' to begin with, he will not be able to stay
clean.
Your trust issues are valid!!! Take care of you and your daughter!
Program or no program, if I were you, I would not move back in with him UNTIL
his actions NOT his words show serious changes in his attitudes, his philosophy
on life and his actions. That can take a year or more with someone who is living a
program and much longer in one who is white knuckling his recovery.
Please go to the beginning of this forum, and start reading the stickys the
threads that are 'locked.' Also start reading some of the other threads on here, as
all of that will give you a better idea of what you need to do for you and your daughter.
You might also want to check out Naranon or Alanon for YOU. I mention Alanon also,
because even though it started out as a program for friends and families of alcoholics,
you will be more than welcome, and in most areas there are many more meetings
at different times, than there are Naranon meetings. And yes, at many of the Alanon
meetings you would be allowed to bring your baby daughter as longs as she was
quiet and not causing a ruckus. I cannot tell you how many meetings I have been to
where one or more "Moms" have brought their little ones with. And many times if
a young one gets 'fussy' one of the other members will be more than happy to take
the baby out of the room and calm it down, so that the newcomer can listen and
possibly share for that person's recovery.
If you feel that meetings are not an option for you right now, you might want to
also check into getting some one on one counseling with a therapist who specializes
in addictions. Many therapists have a 'sliding scale' for those with little money to
spend.
Whatever you decide, please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, as
we do care very much. This is a place where you can vent ................ rant, rave,
scream, cry and yes even laugh. We know, we have been there, and we will walk
this journey with you in spirit.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 9
I am currently dealing with the same situation in many ways. We have a daughter. My Husband stopped using hydros in June 2012. 9 months later and we are still "dealing" with things. For 6 months things were good, I was supportive, understanding, and forgiving. I told myself it was a huge step for him to admit his problem. I was sad he felt the need to resort to pills to make himself feel better. for 6 months, the same 6 months I supported him and forgave him, he lied to me. He had a relationship with some person (he says a guy and they only talked on the phone, they were both dealing with stopping pills and they understood each other) I found this out by phone records. PAGES of phone records just for 1 month. I have no proof of any honesty.. that is what sucks the most. I have proof of lies, how do we know when they are honest? he also relapsed during the 6 months and I did not find out until December.. to say the least, the past 3 months have been the hardest months of my life. I am lost..
How are things with you? Do you have any advise for me? I can not give you advice since I am confused and lost myself but I will pray for you.
How are things with you? Do you have any advise for me? I can not give you advice since I am confused and lost myself but I will pray for you.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
