February13

My ex has a couple of weeks clean.

He's so weak! and therefore expects me to help with stuff like getting
groceries for him. I encouraged him to stay longer where he got detoxed,
there was food there! I (we) have a 3 year old and we live about 40 minutes
from where he lives. Not convenient. If he didn't live so far out of the city
we could order groceries online for him. I don't think it's fair that he expects
it from me and at the same time I kind of want to help. (There is also no
restaurant doing delivery where he lives.)

I was with him for about 10 years and he was not using. When he started
using all I noticed was that we were not getting along. I didn't know he was
using until he told me. Now I wonder "is he still clean?" "has he used?" "are
his pupils constricted?" It's kind of weird. I have no desire to be policing
him.

Already I housesat while he was away (because he has a lot of non-cat, non-
dog animals and it's hard to find someone to care for them). It feels like I
put my life on hold to housesit and I am a little disappointed that he wants
MORE from me.

If I don't talk to him for 24 hours I can't help wondering if he'll be upset the
next time I call him. Whining and feeling sorry for himself and going on
about how nobody cares about him.

I really need to go buy groceries...for me and my daughter!
It would take me hours to get groceries for him and bring them over...

I am sad he is so weak (he says he feels too weak to drive!) but I can't help
him. or not as much as he is requesting anyhow. If we go and visit later today I could bring something to eat for dinner?? (and maybe milk and yogurt) but that's probably the best I can do.

I feel like a horrible person for not helping more and yet when our little girl and I were puking our guts out a month ago there is no way he would have brought us applesauce or whatever I felt like eating when we started getting better (it's probably a good thing, I was really considering giving him our address).

I'm feeling sad.

Kindeyes

I'm sorry you're feeling sad today. We all have those days. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. There is a great deal of power in the word no. The thing with an addict is that they will make our lives miserable if we let them. It's sad that you are doing things out of fear of his reaction. It takes the joy of giving and helping someone away.

Take care of you. He does have alternatives.

gentle hugs
ke

laurie6781

(((((February13)))))

Sweetie you do not have to do anything that you do not want to do for anybody, yet
alone an AH that is playing the victim and still manipulating you.

"NO" is a complete sentence. NO explanations needed.

Hypothetical phone call:

No matter what he says, as I am sure he does not ask politely and even if he is polite
when he asks, your answer can be NO.

You primary attention needs to be on you and your daughter.

Oh, and yes he can order a lot of his groceries on line, from Walmart, or Soap.com
and many other stores and will delivered by UPS or Fed Ex. Now for fresh meats and
produce, well gee, guess he is going to have to drive to the nearest store and buy
it himself.

I know this is hard, but you have to take care of that beautiful little girl and yourself,
he is an Adult, and many adult that live alone on fixed income still find ways to get
to the grocery store, doctor appointments etc

Please take care of you and your daughter and allow your AH to be watched over by
his HP.

Love and hugs,

Hanna

Someone called in to Dave Ramsey about helping their ex financially the other day. He said "They are an ex. Do you know what that means?" He said he got concerned when he heard people talking about doing so much for someone with whom they had decided to part ways.

You sound so very kind but why is this your problem? I get the guilt thing, I feel guilty even suggesting you stop or even cut back. But it sounds like you are helping someone else to the detriment of your responsibilities to your own family.

dasiydoc

My boyfriend is at the same stage, not the fatigue but with a bit of feeling sorry for himself, doesnt feel good, wants to be babied a little. Im ok with it so far, but then he doesnt live 40 minutes away.

You can only do what you can do. It will be better for both of you in the long run if you limit yourself to doing only what you can, and feeling good about it. I think if it makes you feel resentful, or like your being used then later on those feelings may cause problems between you.

Ive never ordered groceries online, but maybe you could place an order and have it delivered to your home, and then take it to him when it is convenient for you.( Im assuming he is going to reimburse you for the groceries). Hey, if he is paying... send em all in a taxi !

I have some relatives that live out in the country, and I know around them there is a drive to get to everything, and you cant get deliveries like you can in the city. If it is like that then I understand. Where they live the roads are even all winding, not so many lights and things. It would not be wise to be driving around if not feeling well. They could go off a cliff ! Hopefully you ex isnt in that type of situation.

It sounds like you are being very good to your daughters daddy. Dont feel bad about what you cant do. Your not superwoman ! (I remind myself of that often ).

crazybabie

As, a wise woman here says No is a complete sentence.

hello-kitty

Someone already said it but it bears repeating:

No IS a complete sentence. You have enough on your plate. He's a big boy. If he is hungry, I'm sure he'll figure out a way to feed himself.