Sad - OT
The sun still shines
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
Sad - OT
My youngest son has always been the good one, so much so that I have said to him he has a right to demand more of people around him and no one expects him to be perfect.
I found out by accident this morning that he has been cutting. Suddenly the blood on his clothes and his refusal to swim makes sense. I am so shocked and sad for him. All my mother instincts to save him have kicked in just like when I found out my eldest was using drugs. I am just so sad and shocked at this. It is so unlike him.
I have been doing research and see that cutting affects as much as 12% of teenagers. He has asked to go and see a psychologist for his depression and has been for 2 sessions. This is a good sign, right? He understands that he needs help.
I want to support him fully and do feel that this is very different from the drug hell my eldest has put us through. I just don't know what that support should look like.
Some of the old feelings of guilt is back and I have to wonder what I have done to have two boys with problems? The up-side is that these feelings passed fairly quickly. The whirlwind of emotions made way for more rational thoughts. Rather than reacting emotionally to him, I am able to take a step back and look at the situation with more clarity than I would have three years ago.
Does any one else have experience with children that cut and what did you find help?
I found out by accident this morning that he has been cutting. Suddenly the blood on his clothes and his refusal to swim makes sense. I am so shocked and sad for him. All my mother instincts to save him have kicked in just like when I found out my eldest was using drugs. I am just so sad and shocked at this. It is so unlike him.
I have been doing research and see that cutting affects as much as 12% of teenagers. He has asked to go and see a psychologist for his depression and has been for 2 sessions. This is a good sign, right? He understands that he needs help.
I want to support him fully and do feel that this is very different from the drug hell my eldest has put us through. I just don't know what that support should look like.
Some of the old feelings of guilt is back and I have to wonder what I have done to have two boys with problems? The up-side is that these feelings passed fairly quickly. The whirlwind of emotions made way for more rational thoughts. Rather than reacting emotionally to him, I am able to take a step back and look at the situation with more clarity than I would have three years ago.
Does any one else have experience with children that cut and what did you find help?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Dear Sunshine2
So sorry you are going through this. I have not had personal experience with this - but know families who have. My godmother is a very experienced phychiatrist - she advises that you seek immediate professional help. Either start with your GP / family doctor who can refer you - or speak to your son's psychologist. It is usually a sign of depression caused by deep feelings of worthlessness - which can be brought on by a number of outside factors...
But there is a lot of help out there - God bless
So sorry you are going through this. I have not had personal experience with this - but know families who have. My godmother is a very experienced phychiatrist - she advises that you seek immediate professional help. Either start with your GP / family doctor who can refer you - or speak to your son's psychologist. It is usually a sign of depression caused by deep feelings of worthlessness - which can be brought on by a number of outside factors...
But there is a lot of help out there - God bless
The sun still shines
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
Thank you Lara. I think he is discussing it with her, but as he is older than 16, it is confidential. The feelings of worthlessness is nailing it. It is exactly what he has been telling me about. Part of me is scared that this is a prelude to another child lost to drugs.
But I humbly realise once again that I am not in control. I will do as much as I possibly can, but he is in God's hands too.
But I humbly realise once again that I am not in control. I will do as much as I possibly can, but he is in God's hands too.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 267
Sunshine, this isn't really OT. My addict son started cutting and burning before he started using - it was another way for him to "deal" with his anxiety and depression. While he has been free of substances for 8 months, he has burned again at times. When he does, he considers it a "relapse" and is a huge warning sign for him.
Hopefully your son is getting the help he needs from his therapist, and won't progress to substance abuse.
Hopefully your son is getting the help he needs from his therapist, and won't progress to substance abuse.
The sun still shines
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
Thank you for your replies. I finally talked to him about it tonight and he admitted it straight away. The fact that it could be a prelude to drugs really scares me.
Having one addict is bad, I have never understood how the parents cope who have more than one child addicted. Please pray and keep both my sons in your thought.
Having one addict is bad, I have never understood how the parents cope who have more than one child addicted. Please pray and keep both my sons in your thought.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
hello 
I am codependant and I cut for many years in my teens. IMO and from my experience there are two kinds of cutters... Im not a doctor! but here is my opinion. The first cuts visibly, on thier forearms, neck or face, it is a cry for attention. The second, like me hide the cuts at all costs and don't want anyone to know. my cuts were on the bottom of my feet, inside my thighs, my abdomen, and breast area. I also consider cutting a "relapse" I have been clean from this behavior for about 3 years. I realized through counseling from staff in my youth group that the cause was emotional pain. when my negative emotions got so out of control that I felt like I would explode, cutting was a pleasant distraction. if there was no relief of the emotional pain, it was much easier to feel physical pain than the emotional. as the pain of the cut or burn subsided so did my emotions. it is just like getting high. it wasn't until my female counsellor in youth group led me to a higher power who could take my depression, and replace it with joy that I could stop. looking back it was very like the 12 steps, but she never called it that and I had no clue at the time. I consider myself a success story, but now I have this codependant cap to deal with. please do not blame yourself. you didn't cause this. It is something that's broken within him. just like me.
I am codependant and I cut for many years in my teens. IMO and from my experience there are two kinds of cutters... Im not a doctor! but here is my opinion. The first cuts visibly, on thier forearms, neck or face, it is a cry for attention. The second, like me hide the cuts at all costs and don't want anyone to know. my cuts were on the bottom of my feet, inside my thighs, my abdomen, and breast area. I also consider cutting a "relapse" I have been clean from this behavior for about 3 years. I realized through counseling from staff in my youth group that the cause was emotional pain. when my negative emotions got so out of control that I felt like I would explode, cutting was a pleasant distraction. if there was no relief of the emotional pain, it was much easier to feel physical pain than the emotional. as the pain of the cut or burn subsided so did my emotions. it is just like getting high. it wasn't until my female counsellor in youth group led me to a higher power who could take my depression, and replace it with joy that I could stop. looking back it was very like the 12 steps, but she never called it that and I had no clue at the time. I consider myself a success story, but now I have this codependant cap to deal with. please do not blame yourself. you didn't cause this. It is something that's broken within him. just like me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
I am sorry to hear about this, but so glad your son is getting help. My youngest is dealing with depression now, surely a direct result of what she's been a witness to the past few years with her older sister. I think it is really good that he is talking to you about it. Keep the communication and love flowing. These siblings have suffered a lot, especially the younger ones. An addiction Dr. I met last summer told me to watch out that my youngest doesn't get involved with drugs because it "runs in the family." I will keep my eye out, of course, but she is terrified of all of it, even pot. My concern for her is about the emotional toll all this took on her, and continues to take, despite the lack of crisis we now enjoy. My sense is that is it natural for things like this to show up when there is a lull or a resolution to a crisis. He knows you love and care for him. You are doing a good job. Try to not worry about drugs with him right now. Your mother instincts will keep you moving in the right direction for him. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hi everyone, though my teens have never done cutting, I would definitely agree that counseling for younger siblings of our addicted kids is a good idea. My middle son refuses to go to counseling, he is so independent and is just focusing on getting his life away from our family started (he will be going away to college in the fall). He has told me point blank that he wants to be away from this hell we have been in for the last 2 years. My younger, sweet angel of a daughter has gained 20 pounds since last year, she stuffs all her emotions. We are working her issues out and she said she would go to counseling, but only if I go. I do firmly believe neither of the younger siblings will touch drugs as they have seen the worst case scenario of what it has done to JJ.
Sunshine, just keep loving your younger one. He trusts you and that goes a long way
Hugs,
TT
Sunshine, just keep loving your younger one. He trusts you and that goes a long way
Hugs,
TT
One day at a time
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Edmonton, Alberta
Posts: 32
I have had friends that have cut. One of my really good friends in highschool she did on her thighs, nobody ever knew any different because she got into a car accident one summer and had to crawl out of a broken window and scratch up her hands. Everybody in town knew about the accident. She now uses that accident as reason for her scares. BUT they are all in straight lines right above one another. None of us new she had problems. But she did. I don't know how she got out of it but she is 24 and hasn't had depression and cut herself for 4 years because I haven't seen any new scares and I have seen her naked (don't ask).
I also had this friend at college she had depression and cut, smoked weed, would get drunk when she wasn't smoking weed. I caught her one day. Public showers at college and it wasn't running so I figured it was free, I caught her cutting on her bum. Places to hide it right... I helped her through everything was supportive got her out of her depression or almost, Then she got rapped and she started drinking more then normal. She never mixed weed and alcohol but now she started. I manage to get her out of that. I said all of these make your problems worse. She finished her first year of college and that was it never came back to finish. To many bad memories she said. She told me if she came back she would fall back into her depression and that is the last thing she wants. Her doctor took her off her depression pills and she is now with a guy that treats her right.
So what I am saying somehow get a lot of positive feedback to him. Make him see that he is special and he should love life.
My life in last month has been so bad but I always think its going to get better, its going to get better. I don't know if I have really helped much. I hope I sorta did
I also had this friend at college she had depression and cut, smoked weed, would get drunk when she wasn't smoking weed. I caught her one day. Public showers at college and it wasn't running so I figured it was free, I caught her cutting on her bum. Places to hide it right... I helped her through everything was supportive got her out of her depression or almost, Then she got rapped and she started drinking more then normal. She never mixed weed and alcohol but now she started. I manage to get her out of that. I said all of these make your problems worse. She finished her first year of college and that was it never came back to finish. To many bad memories she said. She told me if she came back she would fall back into her depression and that is the last thing she wants. Her doctor took her off her depression pills and she is now with a guy that treats her right.
So what I am saying somehow get a lot of positive feedback to him. Make him see that he is special and he should love life.
My life in last month has been so bad but I always think its going to get better, its going to get better. I don't know if I have really helped much. I hope I sorta did
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
My 35-year-old AD is a cutter and has burned herself before too. She hasn't cut or burned since she first got out of jail last year and had lost custody of my granddaughter. She has mental health issues far beyond my understanding, including borderline personality disorder, and she really doesn't take a whole lot away from her counseling because she doesn't want to.
My youngest was also a cutter at age 15 when things were at their worst (she ran away and was taken into state custody where she remained for 16 months). She has not cut since then, but a lot of work was done on both her part and mine as far as developing a better relationship before she came back home to me.
I would caution you in the "good" son vs. the AS who has caused much pain.
My only sibling, my brother (6 years younger) was the golden child in our family. I was the addicted drunk who they were ashamed of.
My brother has been incredibly successful in his career, but I found out several years ago he had gone to outpatient rehab because he was addicted to cocaine. I was stunned; I had no idea because he lives in Connecticut, and I am in Kansas.
There is a lot of pressure on the "good" child to do exceptionally well in order to get validation from loved ones.
It absolutely blows me away that he told me I was his hero because of what I have done and survived in my life. I had no idea that he felt that way.
He is a workaholic and is just like Dad. He overcompensates for his feelings of inadequacy through his chosen career.
I too have battled those labels with my daughters, the youngest being the "good" one and the other being the epic failure in life who has no desire to change.
The truth is they are both my daughters, each with their own strengths and weaknesses. There is no bad daughter, just a daughter with screwed up attitudes and behaviors. She is an active addict and always will be based on her track record over the past 20 years.
I do have a closer relationship with my youngest daughter because she is not an addict and we both continue to have goals and improve our lives.
Because my 35-year-old has values (or lack of) and beliefs that are contradictory to mine, I am not that close with her. I am very guarded emotionally around her, and rightfully so.
Please know I do understand your pain, and am sending hugs of support from Kansas.
My youngest was also a cutter at age 15 when things were at their worst (she ran away and was taken into state custody where she remained for 16 months). She has not cut since then, but a lot of work was done on both her part and mine as far as developing a better relationship before she came back home to me.
I would caution you in the "good" son vs. the AS who has caused much pain.
My only sibling, my brother (6 years younger) was the golden child in our family. I was the addicted drunk who they were ashamed of.
My brother has been incredibly successful in his career, but I found out several years ago he had gone to outpatient rehab because he was addicted to cocaine. I was stunned; I had no idea because he lives in Connecticut, and I am in Kansas.
There is a lot of pressure on the "good" child to do exceptionally well in order to get validation from loved ones.
It absolutely blows me away that he told me I was his hero because of what I have done and survived in my life. I had no idea that he felt that way.
He is a workaholic and is just like Dad. He overcompensates for his feelings of inadequacy through his chosen career.
I too have battled those labels with my daughters, the youngest being the "good" one and the other being the epic failure in life who has no desire to change.
The truth is they are both my daughters, each with their own strengths and weaknesses. There is no bad daughter, just a daughter with screwed up attitudes and behaviors. She is an active addict and always will be based on her track record over the past 20 years.
I do have a closer relationship with my youngest daughter because she is not an addict and we both continue to have goals and improve our lives.
Because my 35-year-old has values (or lack of) and beliefs that are contradictory to mine, I am not that close with her. I am very guarded emotionally around her, and rightfully so.
Please know I do understand your pain, and am sending hugs of support from Kansas.
The sun still shines
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
So much to think about. My son is definitely a "hide it" cutter.
I couldn't agree more about the younger siblings and the effect the drug abuse have on them. My younger son has been exposed to the chaos since he was three. It is only for the last three years that he has had a life resembling normality. He is also hugely against drugs and has never had alcohol. I am not lulled into a false sense of security with this, though. From experience I know to keep a watchful eye.
Freedom, this whole "good" child syndrome is something that has bothered me for a long time. I have seen that he cannot express his negative emotions because he feels I have been through so much with his older brother. It is so unhealthy for him. He lost his temper and shouted for the first time ever the other day. Even though I was taken aback initially, I was really happy that he finally expressed anger. I suspect there is a lot of anger bottled up as he has also been badly bullied at school for 2 years before I moved him.
I have made the mistake of trying too hard to create a "happy" home for him and not given him any space to show his negative emotions. This is going to change. We do not have to turn every "down" feeling into a positive emotion. We do not have to see the bright side of everything. Anger is ok. Feeling depressed is ok. Feeling hurt is ok.
I couldn't agree more about the younger siblings and the effect the drug abuse have on them. My younger son has been exposed to the chaos since he was three. It is only for the last three years that he has had a life resembling normality. He is also hugely against drugs and has never had alcohol. I am not lulled into a false sense of security with this, though. From experience I know to keep a watchful eye.
Freedom, this whole "good" child syndrome is something that has bothered me for a long time. I have seen that he cannot express his negative emotions because he feels I have been through so much with his older brother. It is so unhealthy for him. He lost his temper and shouted for the first time ever the other day. Even though I was taken aback initially, I was really happy that he finally expressed anger. I suspect there is a lot of anger bottled up as he has also been badly bullied at school for 2 years before I moved him.
I have made the mistake of trying too hard to create a "happy" home for him and not given him any space to show his negative emotions. This is going to change. We do not have to turn every "down" feeling into a positive emotion. We do not have to see the bright side of everything. Anger is ok. Feeling depressed is ok. Feeling hurt is ok.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
"We do not have to turn every "down" feeling into a positive emotion. We do not have to see the bright side of everything. Anger is ok. Feeling depressed is ok. Feeling hurt is ok."
This is exactly what I have been talking to my youngest about for the past few months. She gets so upset when she gets even a little bit angry or annoyed with me or senses I am with her--apologies, hugs, etc. I have to keep reminding her that it is okay for us to be annoyed with each other, mad at each other, etc. I have to remind her she is a teenager and that her feelings, though a bit extreme at times for her comfort level, are normal. I have had to tell her that we are not going where her sister and I went...not possible, so relax, be yourself, feel your feelings.
The cutting your son is doing makes perfect sense to me--hiding it but needing to feel something deeply. You are doing a great job talking with him, caring for him, thinking all this through, Sunshine.
Has he ever gone to Alateen or AlAnon? My daughter has found it really helpful to be around other people her age who have witnessed and lived with some tough stuff. (Sorry if you said that earlier--too tired to look at past posts.)
This is exactly what I have been talking to my youngest about for the past few months. She gets so upset when she gets even a little bit angry or annoyed with me or senses I am with her--apologies, hugs, etc. I have to keep reminding her that it is okay for us to be annoyed with each other, mad at each other, etc. I have to remind her she is a teenager and that her feelings, though a bit extreme at times for her comfort level, are normal. I have had to tell her that we are not going where her sister and I went...not possible, so relax, be yourself, feel your feelings.
The cutting your son is doing makes perfect sense to me--hiding it but needing to feel something deeply. You are doing a great job talking with him, caring for him, thinking all this through, Sunshine.
Has he ever gone to Alateen or AlAnon? My daughter has found it really helpful to be around other people her age who have witnessed and lived with some tough stuff. (Sorry if you said that earlier--too tired to look at past posts.)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 87
Lack of good (healthy) coping skills, anxiety, depression, being overwhelmed, needing a way to let the inner pain out ~ or to just FEEL something, feeling of not having control of your life, being a perfectionist who doesn't reach your own set standards (sometimes impossibly high), guilt, feeling trapped in a situation (physical or emotional) that you don't know how to deal with... all these can cause people to self-harm. Problems with impulse control contribute ~ the inability to just wait and do nothing till the bad feelings pass.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and/or Dialectical Behaviour Therapy can both be extremely helpful. Mindfulness, relaxation, learning better coping skills ~ all helpful.
You may find this article on Marsha Linehan, the developer of DBT interesting, and I hope, helpful.
Marsha Linehan: What is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT)? | World of Psychology
Oops, this is the link I meant to post:
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/23/he...ives.html?_r=0
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and/or Dialectical Behaviour Therapy can both be extremely helpful. Mindfulness, relaxation, learning better coping skills ~ all helpful.
You may find this article on Marsha Linehan, the developer of DBT interesting, and I hope, helpful.
Marsha Linehan: What is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT)? | World of Psychology
Oops, this is the link I meant to post:
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/23/he...ives.html?_r=0
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
I just had a conversation with a friend today that is still raising teens.
She said cutting is the new fad and the topic is now a daily one at her house.
The schools are having specialized counselors come into the school to address this issue.
She said cutting is the new fad and the topic is now a daily one at her house.
The schools are having specialized counselors come into the school to address this issue.
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