here goes nothing... thanks for being here
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 50
here goes nothing... thanks for being here
i have been browsing (perhaps "pouring over" is a more accurate description) these forums this week since finally setting a boundary with my ABF, and first I want to thank you all, from the bottom of my heart, for being here and sharing so much experience, strength, and hope. I have been reluctant to start a thread... my recovery in AA taught me to see that this is a dangerous manifestation of my ego and my disease, so I am posting. I got involved with a recovering man this time last year. We have shared the most intimate precious love I could have imagined.
However, he relapsed in November and it has been a whirlwind for me ever since. On Sunday I hit yet another "emotional bottom" with him, but this time I had had enough and needed to do something. I am so entirely codependent and enmeshed in his recovery, I began to lose myself. I spent so much time and energy worrying, playing detective, trying to help... asking where he was... as you all know, it did not work, and he used again.
I am broken hearted. I finally became willing to make a change on Sunday, but I am struggling a lot. I know the best thing I can do for him is to stop trying to help, because I can not. I really am just trying to soften his bottom and preserve my selfish interests, which are no longer an option anyway, because "what I wanted" disappeared the second he picked up. I need to get over that, and since I can not be OK with everything and stay in a relationship with him, I made the choice to tell him I can not be with him.
If only sticking with it was as easy as knowing that I need to.
I struggle to let this be about ME, and instead keep falling into a mindset where I hope this makes him realize what he is doing, and change, so that our relationship can be healed. This is not a good place to be. I am still sad, depressed, neglecting myself (though I am doing a little better than before), and I still hope that things can go back to the way they were. I still wait to see my phone light up with a message from him and hunger for his apologies and promises, even though I know they are meaningless until he makes the long term changes in behavior to back them up.
I am hurting a lot and I know you all can understand. I wanted to thank you. This forum has changed my life already... reading your stories and seeing myself through the words of others is a profound experience. It brings an ongoing sense of wonder in my AA recovery, and here has been no different. It is so good to know that I am not alone. Your posts have given me so much more strength than I thought was possible. Before all this happened, I had learned to love myself... I took care of myself... now I feel like I am back 50 steps, trying to piece myself together anew, without him. I have not been able to go no contact yet, but I am praying for willingness and strength. God granted me those things when I needed them to establish the physical boundary, and I know that I will receive them when I am really willing to.
I feel like I am blabbering. I just wanted to thank you all so, so, so much for what you share on here. I am going to my first Al-Anon meeting tomorrow morning, and that is because I had the good fortune to discover this forum. It was the kind of thing I told myself I would do for months, but never got around to.... perhaps I did not want to focus on myself yet. Now it is time. I am very excited to see what it is like. Thank you all again and I wish you all joy, love, and freedom in your recoveries.
However, he relapsed in November and it has been a whirlwind for me ever since. On Sunday I hit yet another "emotional bottom" with him, but this time I had had enough and needed to do something. I am so entirely codependent and enmeshed in his recovery, I began to lose myself. I spent so much time and energy worrying, playing detective, trying to help... asking where he was... as you all know, it did not work, and he used again.
I am broken hearted. I finally became willing to make a change on Sunday, but I am struggling a lot. I know the best thing I can do for him is to stop trying to help, because I can not. I really am just trying to soften his bottom and preserve my selfish interests, which are no longer an option anyway, because "what I wanted" disappeared the second he picked up. I need to get over that, and since I can not be OK with everything and stay in a relationship with him, I made the choice to tell him I can not be with him.
If only sticking with it was as easy as knowing that I need to.
I struggle to let this be about ME, and instead keep falling into a mindset where I hope this makes him realize what he is doing, and change, so that our relationship can be healed. This is not a good place to be. I am still sad, depressed, neglecting myself (though I am doing a little better than before), and I still hope that things can go back to the way they were. I still wait to see my phone light up with a message from him and hunger for his apologies and promises, even though I know they are meaningless until he makes the long term changes in behavior to back them up.
I am hurting a lot and I know you all can understand. I wanted to thank you. This forum has changed my life already... reading your stories and seeing myself through the words of others is a profound experience. It brings an ongoing sense of wonder in my AA recovery, and here has been no different. It is so good to know that I am not alone. Your posts have given me so much more strength than I thought was possible. Before all this happened, I had learned to love myself... I took care of myself... now I feel like I am back 50 steps, trying to piece myself together anew, without him. I have not been able to go no contact yet, but I am praying for willingness and strength. God granted me those things when I needed them to establish the physical boundary, and I know that I will receive them when I am really willing to.
I feel like I am blabbering. I just wanted to thank you all so, so, so much for what you share on here. I am going to my first Al-Anon meeting tomorrow morning, and that is because I had the good fortune to discover this forum. It was the kind of thing I told myself I would do for months, but never got around to.... perhaps I did not want to focus on myself yet. Now it is time. I am very excited to see what it is like. Thank you all again and I wish you all joy, love, and freedom in your recoveries.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Good luck to you Ave it sounds like you know what you need to do.
Al Anon taught me to detach from AH. It was a precious tool and made life bearable when he was relapsing.
You know the drill - you are step ahead of most.
(((((Hugs))))
Al Anon taught me to detach from AH. It was a precious tool and made life bearable when he was relapsing.
You know the drill - you are step ahead of most.
(((((Hugs))))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Welcome ave! 
Your story is very similar to mine as I was with an addict in recovery also (I had 4 years, he had 2) at one time in my life. He relapsed.
I had totally lost myself in the relationship, so deeply enmeshed I didn't know where he stopped and I started.
When he relapsed, I went down the tubes with him.
You would think that would have a bottom for me, but it wasn't.
I did get back into recovery just two months into active addiction/alcoholism, but still refused to work on codependency for 11 more miserable years.
I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
Today I protect my sobriety/recovery like the precious seed it is.
I will never again endanger/throw away my hard-earned recovery.
That same fellow left me for another addict (in addiction). They were married some 20+ years.
Late last year he received an inheritance, went to Las Vegas to party, he overdosed and died.
I am sad he was never able to embrace recovery again, but so incredibly grateful that because of a loving God and lots of hard work, I now have 22 years clean/sober.
Alanon has been a great resource for me. "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood were real eye-openers for me. I highly recommend both books to you.
You already have much self-awareness, and kudos to you for that! It's a step in the process of growing and moving forward.
Please do keep posting and know that you are among friends, okay?
Sending you hugs of support!
Your story is very similar to mine as I was with an addict in recovery also (I had 4 years, he had 2) at one time in my life. He relapsed.
I had totally lost myself in the relationship, so deeply enmeshed I didn't know where he stopped and I started.
When he relapsed, I went down the tubes with him.
You would think that would have a bottom for me, but it wasn't.
I did get back into recovery just two months into active addiction/alcoholism, but still refused to work on codependency for 11 more miserable years.
I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
Today I protect my sobriety/recovery like the precious seed it is.
I will never again endanger/throw away my hard-earned recovery.
That same fellow left me for another addict (in addiction). They were married some 20+ years.
Late last year he received an inheritance, went to Las Vegas to party, he overdosed and died.
I am sad he was never able to embrace recovery again, but so incredibly grateful that because of a loving God and lots of hard work, I now have 22 years clean/sober.
Alanon has been a great resource for me. "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood were real eye-openers for me. I highly recommend both books to you.
You already have much self-awareness, and kudos to you for that! It's a step in the process of growing and moving forward.
Please do keep posting and know that you are among friends, okay?
Sending you hugs of support!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome......I'm glad you found us. There is a great deal of collective wisdom here on SR.
Congrats on your recovery.....isn't it interesting that we always have more to learn about ourselves! And good for you for heading to an Anon meeting......I think you'll find a great deal of support from the other side of the recovery street too!
We'll look forward to getting to know you better and walking with you.
gentle hugs
ke
Congrats on your recovery.....isn't it interesting that we always have more to learn about ourselves! And good for you for heading to an Anon meeting......I think you'll find a great deal of support from the other side of the recovery street too!
We'll look forward to getting to know you better and walking with you.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((ave)) - Welcome to SR and congratulations on your recovery!
I thought, with me being an RA (recovering addict) I knew addiction inside and out, could deal with anything. What I didn't know was how codependent I was and it didn't MATTER what I knew, it was a whole other situation on the other side of the fence.
The great folks here have helped me tremendously, as have the books mentioned above and al-anon.
I will tell you, though, that codependency recovery is not quite as a straight line as from addiction was from me. I quit using, I changed people/places/things, I did what I was supposed to. On my codie days? I slip, I go back into old behaviors, I obsess over something/someone totally out of my control.
The difference is, I catch it a lot faster, and I get re-grounded way quicker than back in the old days. Sooo, don't worry if you don't "get it" at first, if it takes time, if it seems that some days you haven't learned a darned thing. Keep reading/posting here, go to al-anon, read the books and I promise you - you will be amazed at the difference
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I thought, with me being an RA (recovering addict) I knew addiction inside and out, could deal with anything. What I didn't know was how codependent I was and it didn't MATTER what I knew, it was a whole other situation on the other side of the fence.
The great folks here have helped me tremendously, as have the books mentioned above and al-anon.
I will tell you, though, that codependency recovery is not quite as a straight line as from addiction was from me. I quit using, I changed people/places/things, I did what I was supposed to. On my codie days? I slip, I go back into old behaviors, I obsess over something/someone totally out of my control.
The difference is, I catch it a lot faster, and I get re-grounded way quicker than back in the old days. Sooo, don't worry if you don't "get it" at first, if it takes time, if it seems that some days you haven't learned a darned thing. Keep reading/posting here, go to al-anon, read the books and I promise you - you will be amazed at the difference
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 50
Well, Al-Anon was amazing. Truly amazing. The chairperson was a woman I know from church. I saw people I know from another fellowship there, and I met a man who is in a relationship with an active addict. He was also new to Al-Anon and it felt amazing to be there and be able to share what I was going through, and to find out that someone was dealing with the exact same thing and had been too uncomfortable to share about it. My HP was, and is, working hard in my life!
But, for whatever reason, I decided I wanted to see him and say goodbye before he went into treatment. He came to my house last night and I felt sick when I saw him. Couldn't stop crying. He left this morning, with $40 that I stupidly allowed him to borrow, and went to get high. I feel so dumb!!!! I knew what was going on. I went to his house at 2.... when I was supposed to meet him there... big surprise! He didn't get back until almost an hour later. High. I found empty bags and pawn shop receipts inside his house and in his car, as well as a thing of chor. Pretty cool. I am so done. I am sick. I can't even cry about it any more, I don't even feel sad, I am just fed up. I ended up in an impromptu intervention with his parents who took his keys and are bringing him to detox. I took his stash (I know that's a no-no.. but I got a little nuts in the heat of rage), got my money back (using the stash as leverage), and got out of there. Told him not to contact me and wished him luck. (though of course he already sent me a message about how he loves me with all his heart, and not to "give up on us"... oh please!)
Well, Now it's time to work on me and rebuild my network in recovery. This sucked but maybe that's what I needed in order to let go of my lingering reservations, which I disguised as "hope that everything would be ok"
The extra kicker - an ex of mine died from heroin overdose sometime overnight last night. I found out this morning right before I had all of this stuff happen. Holy crap!!
I will absolutely buy those books and thank you guys so much for the recommendations and supportive words. I know that how I feel now is going to be something I need to hold onto and build on... For now he will be in treatment, but I need to strengthen myself. When he gets back I am reasonably confident that he will not respect my wishes, and will try to contact me again and work things out.
This is not the life I want. I need to keep repeating that to myself. Any future I could have with him will not be as good as the one I want.
But, for whatever reason, I decided I wanted to see him and say goodbye before he went into treatment. He came to my house last night and I felt sick when I saw him. Couldn't stop crying. He left this morning, with $40 that I stupidly allowed him to borrow, and went to get high. I feel so dumb!!!! I knew what was going on. I went to his house at 2.... when I was supposed to meet him there... big surprise! He didn't get back until almost an hour later. High. I found empty bags and pawn shop receipts inside his house and in his car, as well as a thing of chor. Pretty cool. I am so done. I am sick. I can't even cry about it any more, I don't even feel sad, I am just fed up. I ended up in an impromptu intervention with his parents who took his keys and are bringing him to detox. I took his stash (I know that's a no-no.. but I got a little nuts in the heat of rage), got my money back (using the stash as leverage), and got out of there. Told him not to contact me and wished him luck. (though of course he already sent me a message about how he loves me with all his heart, and not to "give up on us"... oh please!)
Well, Now it's time to work on me and rebuild my network in recovery. This sucked but maybe that's what I needed in order to let go of my lingering reservations, which I disguised as "hope that everything would be ok"
The extra kicker - an ex of mine died from heroin overdose sometime overnight last night. I found out this morning right before I had all of this stuff happen. Holy crap!!
I will absolutely buy those books and thank you guys so much for the recommendations and supportive words. I know that how I feel now is going to be something I need to hold onto and build on... For now he will be in treatment, but I need to strengthen myself. When he gets back I am reasonably confident that he will not respect my wishes, and will try to contact me again and work things out.
This is not the life I want. I need to keep repeating that to myself. Any future I could have with him will not be as good as the one I want.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
ave,
Welcome to friendly territory.SR is no panacea,
nor will it automatically win fights for you....but it
WILL allow you to get up from the floor faster--and
sometimes THAT is what makes all the difference!
Welcome to friendly territory.SR is no panacea,
nor will it automatically win fights for you....but it
WILL allow you to get up from the floor faster--and
sometimes THAT is what makes all the difference!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 50
Right now, that has made all the difference. It hurt more the first... second... fifth time. This was bad but I do not feel like I did before. I am not devastated. I just am sickened by it. I need to take this motivation and channel it into the activities that will help me to build myself up, as well as getting and staying involved with my local al-anon group. I know this will be a long journey, but I just pray to god I can stay on the path of progress. This place has given me a lot of insight. Your sharing helped to shatter the veil of denial I had been wearing... helped me to see my relationship for what it really is. SICK!!! Ahh!!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 729
Ave I know your pain. You pretty much told my story wow! We are never alone!! You have to walk your journey! A friend told me his relapse is not about you it is about his journey! It helped to hear it wasn't about me!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 50
What saddens me is more how powerless I am... that I can't do anything. I can not save him
And I have never been so in love with anyone. I had hoped that our respective paths would have lead us through more happy times and never something like this. Alas! My HP has a plan and a journey for me and this is part of it, so I have to trust it. I am really, really sad though. I keep thinking about all the good times and it is hard to believe that it can never be like that again. It almost feels surreal... like, how did I get here? Oh well. Life goes on. One of the greatest lessons I have learned is that it's totally ok to feel like I am not ok. I can still be ok when I am sad and feel like nothing is right. I know I will be OK and everything is as it needs to be... even if I don't understand when or how I will be OK, and don't know why it needs to be this way.
I am going to be a sad puppy for awhile. I still love him... but I can't put myself through more of this. I am so full of mixed emotions. I love him so much but I need to let go. I don't think I could ever go back to him after this, at least not to have the type of relationship I want and I deserve. But part of me still yearns for that. I still remember all those wonderful things that I love about him and they still pull at my heart... but these past few months wrench my gut. I've read something like, "you can love someone but it doesn't mean you are meant to be with them", or something like that... it makes sense, but honestly it kind of makes me mad because I am mourning the dream I had of "us". I don't know if that makes sense to anyone.
How did others deal with this? The conflict of knowing what you need to do and feeling relatively sure of it, but you still love that person and wish it could be ok?
And I have never been so in love with anyone. I had hoped that our respective paths would have lead us through more happy times and never something like this. Alas! My HP has a plan and a journey for me and this is part of it, so I have to trust it. I am really, really sad though. I keep thinking about all the good times and it is hard to believe that it can never be like that again. It almost feels surreal... like, how did I get here? Oh well. Life goes on. One of the greatest lessons I have learned is that it's totally ok to feel like I am not ok. I can still be ok when I am sad and feel like nothing is right. I know I will be OK and everything is as it needs to be... even if I don't understand when or how I will be OK, and don't know why it needs to be this way.
I am going to be a sad puppy for awhile. I still love him... but I can't put myself through more of this. I am so full of mixed emotions. I love him so much but I need to let go. I don't think I could ever go back to him after this, at least not to have the type of relationship I want and I deserve. But part of me still yearns for that. I still remember all those wonderful things that I love about him and they still pull at my heart... but these past few months wrench my gut. I've read something like, "you can love someone but it doesn't mean you are meant to be with them", or something like that... it makes sense, but honestly it kind of makes me mad because I am mourning the dream I had of "us". I don't know if that makes sense to anyone.
How did others deal with this? The conflict of knowing what you need to do and feeling relatively sure of it, but you still love that person and wish it could be ok?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 50
a correction to my last post: i am sure that i COULD go back to him. I am absolutely codependent and have so many feelings for him, I would be lying to say that there's no way I would go back. It is very possible. BUT, I could not both go back to him, and also have the kind of relationship I want and deserve. It would never be like the relationship we used to have, the one I am so sad to have lost.
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