Help my BF is a Heroin addict
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Chesapeake
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Help my BF is a Heroin addict
has a Heroin addiction
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Okay this is going to sound crazy but I am educated and not rich but I live a okay lifestyle. I go to work and go to school. I recently met a guy and we have decided to take our friendship to the next level. Unknown to me, He has a heroine problem. I have had a few close friends of mine warn me, one saying "you have too much going for yourself to get caught up in the world the comes with a addict, I have been doing this for 20 years and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone". I looked at her a told her he couldn’t be on drugs. She told me go home and look in his eyes. I now notice that he falls asleep in the middle ob his sentences, he is always broke, he dose not care about his appearance, and his nose is always running (he says he has sinus). He dismissed used drugs and I dont want to beat a dead horse. I have a great job that will help him detox or get whatever help he needs, I will help him as well. But I have to pretend I don’t know he has a habit because he has not admitted to me he has one. I want him to come clean with me so bad. He is neglecting himself, his kids and his personal responsibilities. How can I make him admit the truth to me so I can help him? His own mom told me he has a habit, several of my friends told me to run as far away as I can. But I believe that he is worth going through hell for because heaven is at the end....why won’t he be honest with me??? Please advise
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Okay this is going to sound crazy but I am educated and not rich but I live a okay lifestyle. I go to work and go to school. I recently met a guy and we have decided to take our friendship to the next level. Unknown to me, He has a heroine problem. I have had a few close friends of mine warn me, one saying "you have too much going for yourself to get caught up in the world the comes with a addict, I have been doing this for 20 years and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone". I looked at her a told her he couldn’t be on drugs. She told me go home and look in his eyes. I now notice that he falls asleep in the middle ob his sentences, he is always broke, he dose not care about his appearance, and his nose is always running (he says he has sinus). He dismissed used drugs and I dont want to beat a dead horse. I have a great job that will help him detox or get whatever help he needs, I will help him as well. But I have to pretend I don’t know he has a habit because he has not admitted to me he has one. I want him to come clean with me so bad. He is neglecting himself, his kids and his personal responsibilities. How can I make him admit the truth to me so I can help him? His own mom told me he has a habit, several of my friends told me to run as far away as I can. But I believe that he is worth going through hell for because heaven is at the end....why won’t he be honest with me??? Please advise
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
My son is a heroin addict as well...he is working on his recovery but it's a never-ending battle and I feel pretty sure that in the end heroin will win. Please know that I too believe my son is "worth going through hell for" -- he is my child -- but believe me when I say that there is precious little you can do to help him unless he is literally desperate for help himself...and even then you will fail because it is not within your power to "help" him recover. He most likely views you as nothing more than a life raft that will help him keep afloat (and his addiction alive) for awhile longer. I'm sorry, but active addicts (or even newly recovered ones) are absolutely incapable of maintaining a healthy relationship.
I will join the chorus that says "run like hell" in the other direction and don't look back.
Stick around and read all you can here. You'll learn a lot.
I will join the chorus that says "run like hell" in the other direction and don't look back.
Stick around and read all you can here. You'll learn a lot.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Oh, and by the way, you said you have a job that will help him "detox or get whatever helps he needs". Even IF he wanted help (as my son has asked for over the years), be prepared to fork over tens of thousands of dollars. I couldn't begin to calculate how much we have spent in the last 3-4 years for treatment....maybe $30,000? ...and that's WITH excellent insurance coverage. The insurance companies have probably spent another $80,000+. Is he "recovered"? Nope. Far from it.
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Bklyn. NY
Posts: 1,859
Another run like hell vote here. And there are a billion reasons why you should. Your love will not save him, it will only make your life hell, and enable him.
The ONLY thing I'd consider (and this may be bad advice as I'm not an alanon guy, I'm a sober alcoholic) is confronting him now with an ultimatium. Either he admits to a problem and gets help immediately, or it's over. Then, if it were me, I'd feel I did what I could. If he resents it, if it explodes in your face, etc. then fine. Gives you an even easier out.
Walking away from someone unhealthy can be really really hard, but I've found that the times I was able to gather the strength to do it, I grew in leaps and bounds. It was like I got an awesome gift after what felt like a huge sacrifice. The things that used to attract me (basically anything that lied, cheated, or needed some kind of psychiatric help), began to turn me off. I lost my attraction to those people and wound up in an awesome loving relationship that I've been part of now for 16 years.
I've seen heroin take down a handful of families. It is way more powerful than many believe. If you value your life and your future, I and countless others will say get out now. Nobody can save him. Only he can save himself, and he's not reaching out. Your leaving him might be the best way for his problem to start registering.
The ONLY thing I'd consider (and this may be bad advice as I'm not an alanon guy, I'm a sober alcoholic) is confronting him now with an ultimatium. Either he admits to a problem and gets help immediately, or it's over. Then, if it were me, I'd feel I did what I could. If he resents it, if it explodes in your face, etc. then fine. Gives you an even easier out.
Walking away from someone unhealthy can be really really hard, but I've found that the times I was able to gather the strength to do it, I grew in leaps and bounds. It was like I got an awesome gift after what felt like a huge sacrifice. The things that used to attract me (basically anything that lied, cheated, or needed some kind of psychiatric help), began to turn me off. I lost my attraction to those people and wound up in an awesome loving relationship that I've been part of now for 16 years.
I've seen heroin take down a handful of families. It is way more powerful than many believe. If you value your life and your future, I and countless others will say get out now. Nobody can save him. Only he can save himself, and he's not reaching out. Your leaving him might be the best way for his problem to start registering.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
Posts: 124
Originally Posted by helpdahelpless 
But I believe that he is worth going through hell for because heaven is at the end....why won’t he be honest with me???
Read through the thousands and thousands of posts here and inform yourself about what life with a person in active addiction is typically like. Then start working on yourself, because if you are attracted to this man's pain and suffering (which is fairly evident from your post), you need to deal with your own deeply-rooted problems.
There IS hope, both for your addicted friend and for yourself, but not together, as a couple – at least not for a long while. He needs to WANT his own recovery and take responsibility for it (without it being attached to you) – without that, his addiction will most probably consume him completely and take those who remain around him down with him, as well. Your path started here with this post – start learning about why you feel it is necessary that he tell you the truth when you know that he's lying. If he's lying to you, then why do you even allow him in your life? He's not a shaggy dog – he's an adult human being who chooses to lie and manipulate others in order to maintain his substance addiction. You WANT that? Really?
Stop trying to fix him (you can't) and start working on yourself. Many of us began right where you are now, so there's no shame in recognizing it. Look at yourself closely, for an extended period (like, a few years) and you'll begin to understand. There are support groups out there (Nar-Anon, Families Anon, etc.) which will help you tremendously. Don't use someone else's pain and suffering to cover up your own.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
You can't make him admit the truth facts are you can't make him do anything and usually as long as an addict is moving their lips they are lying to us.
You didn't cause it, You can't control it, You can't cure it that is the facts
YOU can NOT love it out of him none of us can if we, were that powerful none of us would be here on this forum and this forum would have no need to exist.
I believe that he is worth going through hell for because heaven is at the end....why won’t he be honest with me??? Please advise Fairy tale thinking here and well fairy tales are just that. You can only help you. Read, post, pick up the book Codependent No More
You didn't cause it, You can't control it, You can't cure it that is the facts
YOU can NOT love it out of him none of us can if we, were that powerful none of us would be here on this forum and this forum would have no need to exist.
I believe that he is worth going through hell for because heaven is at the end....why won’t he be honest with me??? Please advise Fairy tale thinking here and well fairy tales are just that. You can only help you. Read, post, pick up the book Codependent No More
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
RUN LIKE HELL!!! RUN LiKE HELL!!! RUN LIKE HELL!!! As someone who just divorced my AH of five years I say this with all sincerity... No ultimatums, no rehabs, no pleading and no bargaining will get him clean..
When I met my EXAH I had a great job, a nice apartment, and savings in the bank... I still have a great job but I have a house that I'm finally getting back in order after living with someone who cared nothing about cleaning things or fixing things when they were broken and I'm finally able to put my nice things out again because I no longer fear them being stolen to be sold for drug money.. And my savings account.. Well that's empty now because I spent all of that money on rehab, detox and cleaning up his financial mess....
Yep, run for the hills!!! Listen to your friends!!!! You say you would walk through hell for him, your already walking through hell and don't even know it.. Get yourself into alanon and get herself a great support system and pick up the two books that helped me start MY recovery.. Co dependent No More by melodie Beattie and Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norewood!!
When I met my EXAH I had a great job, a nice apartment, and savings in the bank... I still have a great job but I have a house that I'm finally getting back in order after living with someone who cared nothing about cleaning things or fixing things when they were broken and I'm finally able to put my nice things out again because I no longer fear them being stolen to be sold for drug money.. And my savings account.. Well that's empty now because I spent all of that money on rehab, detox and cleaning up his financial mess....
Yep, run for the hills!!! Listen to your friends!!!! You say you would walk through hell for him, your already walking through hell and don't even know it.. Get yourself into alanon and get herself a great support system and pick up the two books that helped me start MY recovery.. Co dependent No More by melodie Beattie and Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norewood!!
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Many (perhaps even all) of us understand your desire to help this man. If love could cure addiction, none of us would be here. The love of a mother/father for their child is not less than yours. The love of a wife/husband for their spouse is not less than yours.
One of the outstanding traits of a codependent is that the love what "could be", they see "the potential" not what "is". This is a form of self deception.....denial.
If you truly want to stay with him, start educating yourself now about codependence and addiction.......read.......get into a support group......and buckle your seat belt.......you're in for a hellava ride.
gentle hugs
ke
One of the outstanding traits of a codependent is that the love what "could be", they see "the potential" not what "is". This is a form of self deception.....denial.
If you truly want to stay with him, start educating yourself now about codependence and addiction.......read.......get into a support group......and buckle your seat belt.......you're in for a hellava ride.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Bklyn. NY
Posts: 1,859
Not that I want to say that any one drug is more powerful than another, I don't know, and I've seen many alcoholics take their drink to the grave... but, I can honestly say I've NEVER seen anyone convince a heroin addict into being clean. I deal mostly with alcohol and alcoholics, but I have a cousin with a heroin addict son, I'm close with a woman I work with who has a heroin addicted daughter, and I've been friends w a woman in AA who's daughter was in a rehab w me 28 years ago. I believe she might be dead now actually, but the point is that these 3 that I know somewhat intimately have done everything imaginable to help the ones they loved dearly, and to no avail. Kicking out, locking up, hospitalizing, opening their doors for, helping in every way possible, giving all the love in the world... even getting them jobs. In the end, the addicts still stole from them, lied to them, and continued to bring them unimaginable and unthinkable heartache. The power of heroin scares me. It always did, and I believe that's why I never touched it. I've seen drinkers get ultimatums, reluctantly try AA, and once in a rare while it sticks.... but I've never seen that happen with heroin.
I heard at a meeting once someone state the difference between an alcoholic and a drug addict. It's funny cuz I think there's truth to it. An alcoholic will steal from you. A drug addict will steal from you and help you look for it. Not sure what that has to do with this all, but wanted to share it anyhow.
I heard at a meeting once someone state the difference between an alcoholic and a drug addict. It's funny cuz I think there's truth to it. An alcoholic will steal from you. A drug addict will steal from you and help you look for it. Not sure what that has to do with this all, but wanted to share it anyhow.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by helpdahelpless
has a Heroin addiction
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I recently met a guy and....
he falls asleep in the middle ob his sentences,
he is always broke,
he dose not care about his appearance,
He is neglecting himself, his kids and his personal responsibilities.
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I recently met a guy and....
he falls asleep in the middle ob his sentences,
he is always broke,
he dose not care about his appearance,
He is neglecting himself, his kids and his personal responsibilities.
He denies using drugs. He has not asked you for help.
Why the quest to change him into your hopeful fantasy of the guy you want him to be?
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by outtolunch
He denies using drugs. He has not asked you for help.
Why the quest to change him into your hopeful fantasy of the guy you want him to be?
Do not help this man, he doesn't want help.. Trust me on this!!! He more then likely thinks he doesn't have a problem or he thinks his problem is not that bad!!!!! If your going to stay with him please please please get help for yourself!!!!
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
No one is worth going to hell for! If you decide to stay with him, you will see how demon possessed, evil, and frightening addiction is. The devil has a hold on his soul, he is a hostage to his addiction right now.
His only one true love and thoughts are about heroin and finding money for more heroin. He is looking for his next victim/enabler. Are you sure you want to be it? It is beyond painful. It is a very dark, scary, lonely and devastating place to be.
Please keep reading and posting.
His only one true love and thoughts are about heroin and finding money for more heroin. He is looking for his next victim/enabler. Are you sure you want to be it? It is beyond painful. It is a very dark, scary, lonely and devastating place to be.
Please keep reading and posting.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
Welcome to SR.
Education and money has nothing to do with drug use, I am a law student from a great home and I was a heroin addict.
As a recovered addict and a loved one of an addict, I can tell you this, you can't make him want help, you can't make him get clean, and you can't make him be the man you think he can be.
Why won't he tell you the truth so you can help him? It's simple, he doesn't want to open up to you and he doesn't want your help. Just because someone is addicted to drugs does not mean they want help, in fact, it is quite the opposite.
Please take a step back and reflect on why you want to be with him and why your urge to help him is so great. Let me just put it out there now that the answer to those two things is not simply "because I love him".
Even if he told you the truth, it wouldn't change anything. When he is ready to get clean, he will. Until then, anything you say will fall on deaf ears and he will lie to get you to stop talking. He is a grown man and has decided how he wants his life to be. It is time that you took a look at your life, and made decisions about how you want YOUR life to be.
Education and money has nothing to do with drug use, I am a law student from a great home and I was a heroin addict.
As a recovered addict and a loved one of an addict, I can tell you this, you can't make him want help, you can't make him get clean, and you can't make him be the man you think he can be.
Why won't he tell you the truth so you can help him? It's simple, he doesn't want to open up to you and he doesn't want your help. Just because someone is addicted to drugs does not mean they want help, in fact, it is quite the opposite.
Please take a step back and reflect on why you want to be with him and why your urge to help him is so great. Let me just put it out there now that the answer to those two things is not simply "because I love him".
Even if he told you the truth, it wouldn't change anything. When he is ready to get clean, he will. Until then, anything you say will fall on deaf ears and he will lie to get you to stop talking. He is a grown man and has decided how he wants his life to be. It is time that you took a look at your life, and made decisions about how you want YOUR life to be.
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