As my nightmare ends, theirs just begins
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 75
As my nightmare ends, theirs just begins
I received the call from AH's mom last night. The one telling me how sorry he is for his latest binge. She told me that he "swears he's never touching that stuff again." She told me that he had nothing left and that he said that if she hadn't picked him up that he was planning on overdosing. She told me how much he misses me and that he wants to know if I will talk to him. I said 'No."
I explained to her why. Because I have heard his promises over and over and over again. They don't matter anymore. I told her - AGAIN - about the suicide threats I have been lucky enough to experience. About the time he held a loaded shotgun to his head in front of me in my kitchen. About the time he called and asked if he could come home and if I said no that he had a knife to his throat and he was going to bleed out all over my truck. I've seen the remorse and how short-lived it is.
She told me he is thinking about going to rehab. Okay. Thinking about - talking about - and doing it are totally different animals. Then she tells me that he is getting off the pills for good and how sick and scared he is right now. And then she downplayed the role of crack - the drug that has utterly and completely destroyed him. I don't deny that he has an issue with prescription drugs as well, but crack is what he sold everything for. Crack is what he lost his jobs over and crack is his deepest darkest demon. She doesn't seem to believe me. Why? Because she is choosing to listen to him and to believe his lies and his manipulation. Of course he doesn't want to admit it! But why can't she just look at the facts and understand that I have no reason to lie to her? HE does.
He is still covering, lying and manipulating her to cover his addiction. I told her that he may admit to having an issue with cocaine - that's what he tells people when confronted because there is an especially dirty stigma that accompanies crack addiction that he doesn't want associated with him - so he lies. I explained to her that when cocaine is in a rock form and you smoke it, it IS crack. I told her that not only did I find 3 crack pipes in my house after he left, but he also had one at her house when I was there about 6 weeks ago (it fell out of his pocket). And still I know that no mater what I may say, she will still believe him.
I won't talk to him. I don't believe his lies anymore. I told her that. I told her that once he is REALLY clean, once he has gotten a job, a vehicle and a life back, that then maybe he will be in a position to tell the truth. But not until then.
I feel sad for her - and for him. But this is a lesson she will have to learn on her own. I don't need to. I don't want to. I want my life back. He can't have my happiness anymore. It's mine and I deny him the right to destroy it.
I explained to her why. Because I have heard his promises over and over and over again. They don't matter anymore. I told her - AGAIN - about the suicide threats I have been lucky enough to experience. About the time he held a loaded shotgun to his head in front of me in my kitchen. About the time he called and asked if he could come home and if I said no that he had a knife to his throat and he was going to bleed out all over my truck. I've seen the remorse and how short-lived it is.
She told me he is thinking about going to rehab. Okay. Thinking about - talking about - and doing it are totally different animals. Then she tells me that he is getting off the pills for good and how sick and scared he is right now. And then she downplayed the role of crack - the drug that has utterly and completely destroyed him. I don't deny that he has an issue with prescription drugs as well, but crack is what he sold everything for. Crack is what he lost his jobs over and crack is his deepest darkest demon. She doesn't seem to believe me. Why? Because she is choosing to listen to him and to believe his lies and his manipulation. Of course he doesn't want to admit it! But why can't she just look at the facts and understand that I have no reason to lie to her? HE does.
He is still covering, lying and manipulating her to cover his addiction. I told her that he may admit to having an issue with cocaine - that's what he tells people when confronted because there is an especially dirty stigma that accompanies crack addiction that he doesn't want associated with him - so he lies. I explained to her that when cocaine is in a rock form and you smoke it, it IS crack. I told her that not only did I find 3 crack pipes in my house after he left, but he also had one at her house when I was there about 6 weeks ago (it fell out of his pocket). And still I know that no mater what I may say, she will still believe him.
I won't talk to him. I don't believe his lies anymore. I told her that. I told her that once he is REALLY clean, once he has gotten a job, a vehicle and a life back, that then maybe he will be in a position to tell the truth. But not until then.
I feel sad for her - and for him. But this is a lesson she will have to learn on her own. I don't need to. I don't want to. I want my life back. He can't have my happiness anymore. It's mine and I deny him the right to destroy it.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: SouthEast
Posts: 159
I admire your strength and the choices you are making for YOU! I was in denial and stayed with my exAH too long. I married at 17 and was very naive, from a small rural town. The stand by your man at all cost was popular and his family did not believe in divorce - but I did!
I believed all of the lies and the 'I'm sorry I'm gonna change You are my life'. And of course we all know how very difficult it is so get them out of our lives. I had children which meand you will always have some kind of ties.
He was fired for selling drugs from a Fortune 500 company truck, got into some kind of other drug trouble and dissappeared for 2 years. Then one night his mother, sister, and SIL show up on my doorstep with him. He loves me and wants to try again. NO THANKS!!
I still had many calls to the police for the next couple of years to get him to understand I was serious.
I wish I had this forum for support!!! It is so hard to go through, even when we know it is for the best.
(((huggs and blessings)))
I believed all of the lies and the 'I'm sorry I'm gonna change You are my life'. And of course we all know how very difficult it is so get them out of our lives. I had children which meand you will always have some kind of ties.
He was fired for selling drugs from a Fortune 500 company truck, got into some kind of other drug trouble and dissappeared for 2 years. Then one night his mother, sister, and SIL show up on my doorstep with him. He loves me and wants to try again. NO THANKS!!
I still had many calls to the police for the next couple of years to get him to understand I was serious.
I wish I had this forum for support!!! It is so hard to go through, even when we know it is for the best.
(((huggs and blessings)))
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
Great job making all these decisions for yourself. Your in control of your life and your happiness, and I'm so proud of you for taking the power back.
A's can only bring us down if we let them. Once we accept who they truely are, then it is up to us to make the right choices for us and to move forward and allow ourselves to have a happy and fulfilled life.
Unfortunately, you can't make his mom see the truth. She has to figure this all out on her own. You have said your peace, but your words will fall on deaf ears until she decides she can handle accepting that her son is an addict. Maybe after she lives with him for a awhile or after she starts seeing nothing is changing for the better she will realize what is truely going on in her house.
My boyfriends younger sister who was 17 was developing a pill addiction. I tried to talk to my boyfriends mom and showed her proof- text messages from her asking me for pills, teh rolled up bills in her room, the powder on the sink counter, the missing money, the stolen stuff, etc. because I was an addict and knew that at such a young age she should get out while she could. My boyfriend's mom turned around said I was crazy, a lier, and that I had been the one that stole everything and I was trying to turn it around and blame it on her daughter. That was a long rant to show that sometimes no matter what you say, it just doesn't work.
Keep taking care of yourself.
Maylie
A's can only bring us down if we let them. Once we accept who they truely are, then it is up to us to make the right choices for us and to move forward and allow ourselves to have a happy and fulfilled life.
Unfortunately, you can't make his mom see the truth. She has to figure this all out on her own. You have said your peace, but your words will fall on deaf ears until she decides she can handle accepting that her son is an addict. Maybe after she lives with him for a awhile or after she starts seeing nothing is changing for the better she will realize what is truely going on in her house.
My boyfriends younger sister who was 17 was developing a pill addiction. I tried to talk to my boyfriends mom and showed her proof- text messages from her asking me for pills, teh rolled up bills in her room, the powder on the sink counter, the missing money, the stolen stuff, etc. because I was an addict and knew that at such a young age she should get out while she could. My boyfriend's mom turned around said I was crazy, a lier, and that I had been the one that stole everything and I was trying to turn it around and blame it on her daughter. That was a long rant to show that sometimes no matter what you say, it just doesn't work.
Keep taking care of yourself.
Maylie
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Congratulations Mfox on your path to healing and peace. I guess your mother-in-law is like so many of us and must learn the hard way. 
(The step father, who was so rude to you, must be having a fit and a half about all this.)
(The step father, who was so rude to you, must be having a fit and a half about all this.)
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
I have been really inspired by your posts. You have shown such a great balance of compassion and strength / self care. I will be keeping all of you in my prayers.
I have an idea regarding your MIL: How about we do a switcheroo?
My husband has been clean for 9 months. He went through detox, rehab, works with a psychiatrist, is stable in his career again, just overall trying really hard, and his mom is still COLD to him. Its her choice and we respect her feelings, hopefully she will WARM up in time, but for now: If you want to swap, just let me know. If I can coax her into a box, I will ship immediately via Fed Ex Air !
Just kidding. My son would miss his grandma. Of course he is also entranced with toilet tissue so ???
I have an idea regarding your MIL: How about we do a switcheroo?
My husband has been clean for 9 months. He went through detox, rehab, works with a psychiatrist, is stable in his career again, just overall trying really hard, and his mom is still COLD to him. Its her choice and we respect her feelings, hopefully she will WARM up in time, but for now: If you want to swap, just let me know. If I can coax her into a box, I will ship immediately via Fed Ex Air !
Just kidding. My son would miss his grandma. Of course he is also entranced with toilet tissue so ???
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 75
LMN - the step-dad...who knows what he's saying. He's right there 'helping'. He was there when AH 'borrowed' the car and he was there when they picked him up from the crack house. He had every opportunity to say 'No' but he didn't. Honestly, he's been such a jerk to me personally, that I just don't care what kind of fit he throws. He isn't my problem and not part of my life.
Allforcnm - As much as I hope my AH gets to where your husband is, right now, switching with you would mean that I have to see him so I could knock him in the head and stuff him into a box (don't think for a moment that I am as generous as you and willing to 'coax' him in - it would be quick and painful for him - might even knock a few screws back into their proper places). As gratifying as the 'knocking him out' sounds, not so sure its really worth having to see him right now. But I like your thinking.
It's just so sad to finally reach a point where the hope you have for a loved one seems pointless - like a waste of your time - and you have to move on to dreams that actually have a chance of becoming reality. But I think it is good for me. I really am finding myself. My life is peaceful and happy. My kids are so incredible and I have more blessings than I can count. It's unfortunate that so many people feel they need to be engulfed in tragedy and drama to feel alive. Trust me, dealing with an addict doesn't make you feel 'alive'. It makes you tired, lost and hopeless.
I feel most alive when I hear my children's laughter - and their bickering, when I melt into the sofa with a book and a glass of cocoa (or wine - depends on the mood I guess), when I smell the fresh cut grass and flowers in my yard, when I soak in all of the sounds, smells and tastes of my life. Life is amazing and should be savored. Yes, we all have our struggles, but they are the part that makes the rest of it so rewarding. I don't plan on letting another day go by where I don't truly embrace the blessings in my life - and appreciate the battle it took to get here.
Allforcnm - As much as I hope my AH gets to where your husband is, right now, switching with you would mean that I have to see him so I could knock him in the head and stuff him into a box (don't think for a moment that I am as generous as you and willing to 'coax' him in - it would be quick and painful for him - might even knock a few screws back into their proper places). As gratifying as the 'knocking him out' sounds, not so sure its really worth having to see him right now. But I like your thinking.
It's just so sad to finally reach a point where the hope you have for a loved one seems pointless - like a waste of your time - and you have to move on to dreams that actually have a chance of becoming reality. But I think it is good for me. I really am finding myself. My life is peaceful and happy. My kids are so incredible and I have more blessings than I can count. It's unfortunate that so many people feel they need to be engulfed in tragedy and drama to feel alive. Trust me, dealing with an addict doesn't make you feel 'alive'. It makes you tired, lost and hopeless.
I feel most alive when I hear my children's laughter - and their bickering, when I melt into the sofa with a book and a glass of cocoa (or wine - depends on the mood I guess), when I smell the fresh cut grass and flowers in my yard, when I soak in all of the sounds, smells and tastes of my life. Life is amazing and should be savored. Yes, we all have our struggles, but they are the part that makes the rest of it so rewarding. I don't plan on letting another day go by where I don't truly embrace the blessings in my life - and appreciate the battle it took to get here.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: SouthEast
Posts: 159
My exAH never did change, but I sure did. I remember how glad I was that he remarried. He was already engagded and set a date - we were still married and she did not know about me. I think the fool would have gone through with it lol!
He still would call me and ask if I was happy, I replied VERY HAPPY. Then the new wife started calling and asking me if I was happy. I assured her she had nothing to worry about - there was nothing in the world that could entice me to be with him again.
Years later his mother was on her deathbed asking for him and his family didn't know how to reach him. They called me and I called (they were living with her mother) and left a message that this was the last time I would pass messages to him from anyone. That I did it this time out of respect for his mother, not for him. After all that time I was still in my codependent ways. I think some of mine is the old South female upbringing to always please at all costs.
They went to the funeral and friends told me they both looked like druggies, I wasn't surprised.
But I was surprised that her family let them live with them for about 10 years. Some people just can't understand how much they enable. He did have some contact with the children in the beginning - never any child support - lots of heartbreak watching my son sit on the steps waiting for his dad to pick him up and he never showed. And his dad played mind games telling him he wanted to move back but mommy wouldn't let him.
Their father has never met the 16yo and 18yo grands, my children have not seen him in 20+ years. I know one day he will be looking for them, or send one of his family members. At one time I struggled with whether I would give him their contact info - and if it was spiteful if I chose not to.
I was a single parent for 20 years and have been with a wonderful man for the last 14. I have healed at last! I know that when he does contact me I will tell him that he has to find his children on his own. I do not say this with any anger or spite - I am working on codependent no more - that is not my problem - it was his decision and he owns it.
(((huggs and blessings)))
He still would call me and ask if I was happy, I replied VERY HAPPY. Then the new wife started calling and asking me if I was happy. I assured her she had nothing to worry about - there was nothing in the world that could entice me to be with him again.
Years later his mother was on her deathbed asking for him and his family didn't know how to reach him. They called me and I called (they were living with her mother) and left a message that this was the last time I would pass messages to him from anyone. That I did it this time out of respect for his mother, not for him. After all that time I was still in my codependent ways. I think some of mine is the old South female upbringing to always please at all costs.
They went to the funeral and friends told me they both looked like druggies, I wasn't surprised.
But I was surprised that her family let them live with them for about 10 years. Some people just can't understand how much they enable. He did have some contact with the children in the beginning - never any child support - lots of heartbreak watching my son sit on the steps waiting for his dad to pick him up and he never showed. And his dad played mind games telling him he wanted to move back but mommy wouldn't let him.
Their father has never met the 16yo and 18yo grands, my children have not seen him in 20+ years. I know one day he will be looking for them, or send one of his family members. At one time I struggled with whether I would give him their contact info - and if it was spiteful if I chose not to.
I was a single parent for 20 years and have been with a wonderful man for the last 14. I have healed at last! I know that when he does contact me I will tell him that he has to find his children on his own. I do not say this with any anger or spite - I am working on codependent no more - that is not my problem - it was his decision and he owns it.
(((huggs and blessings)))
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