JustSix

Hi everyone. I'm new to the group. My 33 year old son, who has not lived at home for 14 years, and who has not really asked us for anything in terms of money or other resources since he moved out, just entered rehab for cocaine addiction. His sister and his friends staged an intervention about 4 weeks ago and it worked. He and his sister showed up at our house and asked for help with the rehab costs, which we agreed to pay.

I have known for years that he had some sort of issue that was holding him back. He's a smart, college educated guy and was just not thriving. At the time of the intervention he was still painting houses with the company he's been with since his college years. I even confronted him about 7 years ago and all that got was more distance between the two of us, a more superficial relationship when we saw each other. His father and sister chose to look the other way. So, until everyone else in his life was ready to confront him, I could only sit and observe.

I find that I'm kind of in a limbo place. I question myself about the money for rehab--am I still enabling because I'm signing the check every month? I don't know where I fit into his process or recovery. I'm just waiting for him to tell me. In the meantime, I'm attending Al-Anon meetings, showing up for family meetings when summoned, and seeking out online support (here). I have tried to manage my food intake, get enough sleep, meditate and exercise daily, to take care of myself.

As I read the posts of others who are suffering with letting go, I can see that I have it better and that's great. But there is this big hole in my heart. I feel like I should be doing . . . something . . . but don't know what that is. So I'm going to work and moving through my self-care routine, while I wait for the shoe to drop.

Just wanted to introduce myself in case a crisis erupts. I don't know what I'm asking for, or if I'm actually asking for anything.

Vi

kmangel

IMO paying for rehab is not enabling your son. That is the one thing that many people are advised to offer--help with rehab and little else. How long he is in rehab is another story and whether he is committed to following the program while in rehab is something you will need to determine. When my son was in rehab, the counselor advised a 90 day program, but my son wanted out after 28 days. Because my son was intent on leaving after the first month, I believe he was showing where his heart was in the matter. He relapsed a few times when he first came home to us. Now, though, he does seem to be doing okay.

If you are going to continue to foot the rehab bill, then you will need to know if the counselors consider him working a strong program while in rehab. You don't want to waste your money if he is not truly committed to the program.

JustSix

I appreciate the thoughtful response. According to his counselor, he is doing very well. He is on the third step. I guess I'm skeptical because the guy is so smart and so convincing, and he fooled a lot of people for a long time, so I don't want to believe it. He's been in rehab for 29 days and I can tell it's getting hard. When we visited on Saturday, he needed to tell us how terrible things had become for him. He described that because his veins were collapsing, he was literally stabbing himself multiple times a day to inject the drug (cocaine). It was really hard to hear it, and I wondered if he was telling us because he needed to come clean or wanted to hurt us. I wasn't sure what was being accomplished. Most of the time I'm just baffled.