Toxic family members
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Anytown
Posts: 59
Toxic family members
Hello all. First post here, but I've been dealing with a spouse in active addiction for 20+ years now.
He overdosed on opiates last summer, almost died and had a stroke which has left him with permanent impairments. He now is regaining some function, but still needs 24 hour nursing care.
It is now time to release him from the stroke rehab hospital and social workers recommend placement in a nursing home. I agree. He is in a wheelchair, the house isn't adapted. I work long shifts. I care about what happens to him, but frankly I am still dealing with anger issues at what he did and the aftermath and I've made it clear to everyone that I refuse to bring him home.
Social workers agree, but his family members are laying a major guilt trip on me. Saying I am kicking him when he is down, writing him off. They are threatening to hire a lawyer to get his share of the equity in the house. I am really being emotionally tortured by them and wonder if anyone on the forum has dealt with this situation.
He overdosed on opiates last summer, almost died and had a stroke which has left him with permanent impairments. He now is regaining some function, but still needs 24 hour nursing care.
It is now time to release him from the stroke rehab hospital and social workers recommend placement in a nursing home. I agree. He is in a wheelchair, the house isn't adapted. I work long shifts. I care about what happens to him, but frankly I am still dealing with anger issues at what he did and the aftermath and I've made it clear to everyone that I refuse to bring him home.
Social workers agree, but his family members are laying a major guilt trip on me. Saying I am kicking him when he is down, writing him off. They are threatening to hire a lawyer to get his share of the equity in the house. I am really being emotionally tortured by them and wonder if anyone on the forum has dealt with this situation.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
hi! welcome to SR Im new here and not very wise but I wanted to tell you that even though I have not experienced the gravity of your situation, I can relate in a fraction of a degree. My guy is addicted to Heroin and had a relapse at the sober living house. His family and I all agreed that he could not stay with us because we wanted him to pay his consequences... except for his mother. ugh she is such a thorn in our sides. giving him money, and yet controlling his checking account, his dad relented and allowed him to sleep in the shed in the backyard, and of course his mom sneak him in to his nice warm comfy bed when dad isn't looking. Its so frustrating! she sits in on his meetings because she needs to know that he goes, asked him to fill out paperwork so the therapist can tell her all that he says, drug tests him almost daily, then rages when the results are negative. and Im the bad guy for not wanting to do these things. for continuing our relationship without hounding him about recovery. sorry to vent on your thread I guess Im just trying to say... yes. I think I can relate to him having toxic family members.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I have not been in a similar situation to yours, but I want to welcome you to the forum and am glad you reached out to others here.
What I do know which may be helpful is that in families of addiction, one member is often the designated scapegoat. This is the person upon whom all the other family members project their own dark side which they are unwilling to consciously admit.
So, in your situation, your addict husband has a family--with apparently no recovery--which is riddled with GUILT that they might have done something to cause the addict to turn to drugs (especially the parents), ANGER toward the addict because of the chaos and insanity he has caused them all, SHAME that they have a drug addict in the family, REGRET that they might have missed a chance to help him get clean a long time ago, and a whole host of other inner disturbances all of them has repressed and denied and buried so deep that it has all turned to poison in them.
Buried toxic feelings like these in one way or another will work their way back up to the surface. Always. And when they do, if the individual family members have no recovery, no therapy, and no awareness, then they will unconsciously try to get rid of this poison inside them.
And one of the ways people do that is they place all those toxic emotions out onto someone else: a scapegoat. And the in-law is a perfect target. So they try to force you to carry the guilt and shame that they will not themselves own in their own hearts.
The social worker has recommended to you that your husband have 24-hour care in a qualified, professional facility which is designed precisely for that. Your home is not, as you say, adequate to the task, you work long hours and cannot provide the necessary care, even if your heart was in it. Of course it is the best choice that he be in a convalescent home where he will receive qualified care.
The larger issue for you, dear, is all the emotional pain you are in, the rage you feel because he has brought this devastation into your life and your marriage, the anguish you feel about being abandoned by him, and the fear you have about the future. These are all inevitable for you, because they are all the common emotions of profound grief.
You would do well seek mental therapy for yourself to find the support you need. This is too much for you to carry alone, and while Al-Anon meetings would be helpful, it is the intimacy and guidance you would receive from a skilled counselor which will bring healing and peace to you. A counselor can help you identify and hold your boundaries with his family, can help you with the crazy thinking we have in times of crisis and replace that with some clarity, and can offer you a safe place to relieve yourself of your own dark feelings. Every member of the family of addiction struggles with those, as each also struggles with overwhelming feelings of grief and abandonment. There are healthy ways to move through this crisis. And your husband's family is demonstrating the unhealthy way by naming you as the scapegoat.
The more isolated you are, the more at the mercy of outside dangerous influences. The support and guidance of a therapist can save your health and your sanity, combined with weekly Al-Anon meetings for the relief of being with others recovering from the effects of addiction in their families and relationships.
You are important.
What I do know which may be helpful is that in families of addiction, one member is often the designated scapegoat. This is the person upon whom all the other family members project their own dark side which they are unwilling to consciously admit.
So, in your situation, your addict husband has a family--with apparently no recovery--which is riddled with GUILT that they might have done something to cause the addict to turn to drugs (especially the parents), ANGER toward the addict because of the chaos and insanity he has caused them all, SHAME that they have a drug addict in the family, REGRET that they might have missed a chance to help him get clean a long time ago, and a whole host of other inner disturbances all of them has repressed and denied and buried so deep that it has all turned to poison in them.
Buried toxic feelings like these in one way or another will work their way back up to the surface. Always. And when they do, if the individual family members have no recovery, no therapy, and no awareness, then they will unconsciously try to get rid of this poison inside them.
And one of the ways people do that is they place all those toxic emotions out onto someone else: a scapegoat. And the in-law is a perfect target. So they try to force you to carry the guilt and shame that they will not themselves own in their own hearts.
The social worker has recommended to you that your husband have 24-hour care in a qualified, professional facility which is designed precisely for that. Your home is not, as you say, adequate to the task, you work long hours and cannot provide the necessary care, even if your heart was in it. Of course it is the best choice that he be in a convalescent home where he will receive qualified care.
The larger issue for you, dear, is all the emotional pain you are in, the rage you feel because he has brought this devastation into your life and your marriage, the anguish you feel about being abandoned by him, and the fear you have about the future. These are all inevitable for you, because they are all the common emotions of profound grief.
You would do well seek mental therapy for yourself to find the support you need. This is too much for you to carry alone, and while Al-Anon meetings would be helpful, it is the intimacy and guidance you would receive from a skilled counselor which will bring healing and peace to you. A counselor can help you identify and hold your boundaries with his family, can help you with the crazy thinking we have in times of crisis and replace that with some clarity, and can offer you a safe place to relieve yourself of your own dark feelings. Every member of the family of addiction struggles with those, as each also struggles with overwhelming feelings of grief and abandonment. There are healthy ways to move through this crisis. And your husband's family is demonstrating the unhealthy way by naming you as the scapegoat.
The more isolated you are, the more at the mercy of outside dangerous influences. The support and guidance of a therapist can save your health and your sanity, combined with weekly Al-Anon meetings for the relief of being with others recovering from the effects of addiction in their families and relationships.
You are important.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Anytown
Posts: 59
Thank you all for your input. Seeking counselling has been suggested to me as well by the social workers on my husband's case. I keep telling them I'm ok as long as people just leave me alone, but you are right - I'm not ok. I have so much anger in me that although I know I'm making the right decisions, they are clouded by anger.
It was me that found my husband and called the ambulance. He was very close to death and maybe had another half hour and he would have been gone. There are times when I wish I hadn't called the ambulance and it finally would have been over. How sick thinking is that?
My husband is better off with me out of his life. And with him out of mine.
It was me that found my husband and called the ambulance. He was very close to death and maybe had another half hour and he would have been gone. There are times when I wish I hadn't called the ambulance and it finally would have been over. How sick thinking is that?
My husband is better off with me out of his life. And with him out of mine.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Why on earth would they think they should get his share of the equity in the home? That sounds like strange hollow threats thrown out to keep you off balance. Just because they say something doesn't mean that they will actually do it......or win if they did. I agree with EnglishGarden, I suspect they are projecting their own guilt and anger over the situation on you.
I'm sorry that you are dealing with this. It has to be very emotionally draining. I do hope you consider counseling. No one is equipped to handle something like this and the feelings associated with it without some help.
Keep posting. We'll walk with you.
gentle hugs
ke
I'm sorry that you are dealing with this. It has to be very emotionally draining. I do hope you consider counseling. No one is equipped to handle something like this and the feelings associated with it without some help.
Keep posting. We'll walk with you.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 72
I am so sorry for the situation you are dealing with right now. I think everyone on SR can attest to have those same feelings of anger at one point or another. As for your thoughts about if you had not called the ambulance and it would have been over, that is a thought that I am sure some of us on here have had. It crossed my mind after my brother was hit by a motorcyle, and it broke my heart to hear my mom say the same thing. She was so upset with herself for even thinking it, but I think it is understandable given the heartache. Don't beat yourself up about it, forgive yourself, and remember that you are only human.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Anytown
Posts: 59
It has been months since I wrote this post and if anything, my situation has worsened. One of my in-laws now has control of my ex-husband's finances and has used his money to start court proceedings against me on behalf of my ex to claim half of my house (which is only in my name). If he wins, my in-law will have the power to evict me from the house, force a sale, charge me rent - whatever revenge he wants to inflict on me.
When I say "ex", it is because we have a legal separation in place, but my in-law claims my letting him live at the house means we were a common law couple.
I am penniless to fight this and this in-law is a millionaire. My house is worth less than $50,000, but he wants me OUT because I won't let me ex back here. Today was a nightmare from hell - even worse than the worst day when my ex was doing drugs and living under my roof.
I know I sound cemented in a victim role, but what is happening to me is victimization and outright blackmail. I've been told it can "all go away" if I take my ex back in the house and care for him. Ex has severe and permanent post stroke dementia as a result of his drug overdose last summer. He is urinating and defecating all over the place and screaming that he wants to leave, where is my car... Hospital and nursing staff are at their wits end. They don't know what to do with him. They want him out of the hospital. Anywhere - just out. So in-law is going to use his financial guardianship powers to sue me on ex's behalf.
I can't - I won't take him back here. I'd rather be in a homeless shelter than live another day with my ex.
To those of you new to the situation - with boyfriends/girlfriends with addiction problems and no tight ties. Please know that you are going to lose everything by caring for these people. You can love them from afar, but if you hold them close, they will destroy your life. I wish I had a crystal ball years ago to see what lie ahead of me. It is something you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy.
I hope my HP has good plans for me, because I am ready to break.
When I say "ex", it is because we have a legal separation in place, but my in-law claims my letting him live at the house means we were a common law couple.
I am penniless to fight this and this in-law is a millionaire. My house is worth less than $50,000, but he wants me OUT because I won't let me ex back here. Today was a nightmare from hell - even worse than the worst day when my ex was doing drugs and living under my roof.
I know I sound cemented in a victim role, but what is happening to me is victimization and outright blackmail. I've been told it can "all go away" if I take my ex back in the house and care for him. Ex has severe and permanent post stroke dementia as a result of his drug overdose last summer. He is urinating and defecating all over the place and screaming that he wants to leave, where is my car... Hospital and nursing staff are at their wits end. They don't know what to do with him. They want him out of the hospital. Anywhere - just out. So in-law is going to use his financial guardianship powers to sue me on ex's behalf.
I can't - I won't take him back here. I'd rather be in a homeless shelter than live another day with my ex.
To those of you new to the situation - with boyfriends/girlfriends with addiction problems and no tight ties. Please know that you are going to lose everything by caring for these people. You can love them from afar, but if you hold them close, they will destroy your life. I wish I had a crystal ball years ago to see what lie ahead of me. It is something you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy.
I hope my HP has good plans for me, because I am ready to break.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Aurora, CO
Posts: 85
Oh how awful 
I am so sorry for your pain right now!! I can't offer any words other than that you aren't all alone and that somehow things will get better. Sounds trite, but they always always do!
And just fyi - you aren't horrible for part of you wishing you hadn't called the ambulance. I know that I have had awful thoughts like that about my AM too. I think that's pretty normal to just wish it would all just go away.
Hang in there honey! You're in my thoughts!!
I am so sorry for your pain right now!! I can't offer any words other than that you aren't all alone and that somehow things will get better. Sounds trite, but they always always do!And just fyi - you aren't horrible for part of you wishing you hadn't called the ambulance. I know that I have had awful thoughts like that about my AM too. I think that's pretty normal to just wish it would all just go away.
Hang in there honey! You're in my thoughts!!
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
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Anond,
Take a deep breath.
Wow, is all I can say.
I think you should start recording all these threats because they sound kind of like criminal harassment.
Think about this.
They are basically demanding that you become a slave.
If I am not mistaken, this is against the law, what they are doing.
You might want to look into going to the police about these threats.
You are done.
He is not your responsibility.
You are right, it would have been better had you not called 911.
There, I said it!
It is time to start looking into free legal aid.
Where are your family?
Your friends?
Fight back.
Shame them!
They are millionaires?
Threaten to go big time PUBLIC with what they are doing.
You are right.
That counts.
You have right on your side.
I know they have you convinced otherwise, but wealth doesn't always buy everything.
Ridiculous demands.
Even if you were fully equipped to deal with a sick relative that you wanted to care for, if the hospital can't cope, why would you?????
Come on! Fight back! Get angry!
Take a deep breath.
Wow, is all I can say.
I think you should start recording all these threats because they sound kind of like criminal harassment.
Think about this.
They are basically demanding that you become a slave.
If I am not mistaken, this is against the law, what they are doing.
You might want to look into going to the police about these threats.
You are done.
He is not your responsibility.
You are right, it would have been better had you not called 911.
There, I said it!
It is time to start looking into free legal aid.
Where are your family?
Your friends?
Fight back.
Shame them!
They are millionaires?
Threaten to go big time PUBLIC with what they are doing.
You are right.
That counts.
You have right on your side.
I know they have you convinced otherwise, but wealth doesn't always buy everything.
Ridiculous demands.
Even if you were fully equipped to deal with a sick relative that you wanted to care for, if the hospital can't cope, why would you?????
Come on! Fight back! Get angry!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Anytown
Posts: 59
The communication has been in writing, but everything has "without prejudice" on it. Don't know if the police would even look at what I have because of that. I definitely can try.
Unfortunately, I got into a pissing match with him today and even though I didn't initiate the contact, responding could negate any harassment charge I might have. I'm damned if I respond and damned if I don't.
Ex inlaw is so smug about the whole thing. He knows that the case is complicated and my portion of the house would be eaten up in legal fees. He doesn't even have to cough up money, as he is using my ex-husband's.
I waiver from being strong and angry to being weak and in a mess.
Money, unfortunately can buy justice. I can't afford justice - I barely survive as it is.
I'm in contact with a lawyer and hopefully he will be able to tell me how much of a retainer it will cost. I keep telling myself "it is only a house" - HE has to deal with ex-husband and his problems now. Who is the winner???
Unfortunately, I got into a pissing match with him today and even though I didn't initiate the contact, responding could negate any harassment charge I might have. I'm damned if I respond and damned if I don't.
Ex inlaw is so smug about the whole thing. He knows that the case is complicated and my portion of the house would be eaten up in legal fees. He doesn't even have to cough up money, as he is using my ex-husband's.
I waiver from being strong and angry to being weak and in a mess.
Money, unfortunately can buy justice. I can't afford justice - I barely survive as it is.
I'm in contact with a lawyer and hopefully he will be able to tell me how much of a retainer it will cost. I keep telling myself "it is only a house" - HE has to deal with ex-husband and his problems now. Who is the winner???
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
this is awful!!!!!! I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. It sounds like his family members are just wanting someone to take him off their hands and they've decided that it is you.
I work in the rehabilitation field and the situation that you describe is definitely NOT one that you can/should/could manage. It would be impossible.
Is there a legal aid place in your town? I wish I had some advice to give you on the legal front but I have no idea about that. I do know that it would be impossible to take care of a person like you have described.
Hang in there.....I'll be sending you thoughts and prayers.
I work in the rehabilitation field and the situation that you describe is definitely NOT one that you can/should/could manage. It would be impossible.
Is there a legal aid place in your town? I wish I had some advice to give you on the legal front but I have no idea about that. I do know that it would be impossible to take care of a person like you have described.
Hang in there.....I'll be sending you thoughts and prayers.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 98
Though I have not dealt with this kind of a scenario, I advise that you do not kick him out, you are part of the recovery process and what you do determines whether he recovers or not. Help him recover fully and sit him down and let him promise never to allow it to happen again.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by FlowersJasmine 
Though I have not dealt with this kind of a scenario, I advise that you do not kick him out, you are part of the recovery process and what you do determines whether he recovers or not. Help him recover fully and sit him down and let him promise never to allow it to happen again.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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Posts: 59
FlowerJasmine, I did not kick him out. I found him unconscious in a bed, almost dead of a cocaine/morphine/alcohol overdose. I called an ambulance - he was in a coma for weeks and has never left the hospital since last summer.
He has been left brain damaged and has dementia.
The hospital wants to free up the bed and they are looking for a place to put him. His family has decided that place is with me.
I can't provide the level of care he needs. I have tried to be supportive and his family has said either I take him home or they will not let me even visit him. I have tried to respect their wishes, because I realize what he wants is to come here. He weighs 200 lbs, I can't even lift him. I have no wheelchair access. I work and have no help.
I wish it was just about being supportive. But I did do that, for many many years. Or was it enabling? All I know is that I stand to lose it all, because I have tried to be there for him.
He has been left brain damaged and has dementia.
The hospital wants to free up the bed and they are looking for a place to put him. His family has decided that place is with me.
I can't provide the level of care he needs. I have tried to be supportive and his family has said either I take him home or they will not let me even visit him. I have tried to respect their wishes, because I realize what he wants is to come here. He weighs 200 lbs, I can't even lift him. I have no wheelchair access. I work and have no help.
I wish it was just about being supportive. But I did do that, for many many years. Or was it enabling? All I know is that I stand to lose it all, because I have tried to be there for him.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Anond, please try to find a personal counselor for your mental health and a free legal aid organization in your community to help you fight this. It sounds like big-time bullying wrapped up in "legal" threats. Don't be scared of their money. A judge would have to rule in his favor and there are probably plenty of health care providers who would attest to your inability to properly care for him. There are lawyers who will do pro-bono work--ask around. Free or extremely reduced. They can't take your home, or, at least I cannot imagine such a thing being possible. When was the separation? How long have you owned the home? What are the married property laws in your state--stuff like that is what you need to arm yourself with. He overdosed! He is now permanently damaged. There are judges with hearts and brains. Try to not "future trip." Stay in the moment, get help and advice. Pray.
I am so very sorry you have had this nightmare of hellish months. You are in my prayers.
I am so very sorry you have had this nightmare of hellish months. You are in my prayers.
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