alybally

I just wanted to know how the story ended. We always read the initial fall out, but not how things turned out later for the poster. Just curious since I'm struggling and wish I had a crystal ball.

alybally

Found it. I especially loved one thing he said:

This could have been written in my own handwriting. Only 3 years here, but still feel like a Holocaust survivor. I can forgive my EXAGF for the cheating, the lies, the manipulation, the using me, almost everything. The only thing I will NEVER forgive her for, or ever get back, is stealing my innocence. I am truly a different person now.

zoso77

I pulled this out from your post at FFA:

Here's the deal. He's operating on one set of rules, and you're operating at another set. The sets are incompatible with each other, because his set of rules is no rules at all. It doesn't matter how understanding you are, or how much compassion you have regarding his situation, and that's because he's unable to absorb it. Addicts and alcoholics are like big containers with a hole in the bottom of them. You pour all your love and support in, and it comes right back out. It's got nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.

The question you have to answer is how you're going to adapt to a world without him in it. It's not going to be easy. When we invest our heart and soul in someone and they turn around and f*ck us, it's a body blow for sure. But in my experience, once we obtain some space and distance from someone like that, we're able to see them more clearly and for what they really are. If you go back through my posting history, you'll see I got porked by an addict, and once she did what she did, that I was it. I was done.

Life is incredibly short. There is never a guarantee of happiness. There's never a guarantee we won't get hurt. That's just the way it is. But what we can do is make sure we allow people into our lives that reciprocate the love and support we give them, and those who don't won't get through the door. All you can do today is what you've done; reach out for support, and do the things you need to do in order to in order to have some semblance of balance and sanity. Before you know you it, you will adapt to a world without him in it, and you'll be OK. Trust me on this. You will be OK.

Needabreak

I used to feel this way too -- my ex was / is a cocaine addict and an alcoholic, which didn't really become apparent until years into our relatoinship.

But now, at 52 years old, I can honestly say that losing my "innocence" was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I used to move through life in my happy, naive little world, thinking that everyone and everything was good. Problems? What problems. Nothing that a little love or effort can't fix....

Now, I see people and things -- and most importantly, myself -- so much more clearly, with so much more depth. It took longer than it should have for me to reach this stage, but you know, all things in their own time.

Anger is good -- it serves its purpose and it's a natural stage of grief, and it protects you while you're hurt. But for me, it wasn't healthy to stay in the anger stage for too long. My real growth came once I got through the anger stage.

alybally

I just hope red baron found peace and happiness.

Vale

The fascinating thing about a thread that gets answered ten years after the fact is the fact that this behavioral trait/imbalance known as addiction simply never changes. You could be responding to a message posted yesterday....or from 1998. Addiction is pain, suffering, angst, and sadness. It creates a blast radius that consumes everything in its path, indiscriminately and omni directionally. There is only one maneuver that promises the slightest chance of survival.........pulling a 180 and getting the hell out of there as fast as whatever conveyance you brought can take you.

Vale

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Me too.

MIRecovery

I can only speak for myself. When I was in early recovery I was mentally unstable. The only thing I knew for sure was I wanted a drink and I couldn't have one.

This is why it is recommended that people stay out of relationships for the first year. I was married and while I was physically faithful I had an online affair. In my clouded mind I rationalized this because if it wasn't physical it didn't count. That is how screwed up my thinking was.

Today I can see how wrong my actions were but at the time it sounded like a good idea.

Personally I would not be involved with anyone that is not pretty solid in their sobriety. Give them a year or two to get sober and sort out their lives. If the relationship was ment to survive it will.

That said. My wife stuck with me and here we are 16 years latter and have a great marriage. All I know for sure is I wouldn't have put up with me

alybally

Thank you so much for your comment, I really appreciate it because you have provided the "other side" of the coin or story. I'm so caught up in my own grief I can barely breathe let alone relate to the rest of the world or have any objectivity. I know that I won't have that happy ending with my alcoholic. ��

alybally

Thank you so much. I appreciate the time you put into your response. I got porked too, big time, like you and everyone else on here. It's unreal the repetitive pattern with only slight tweaks or differences in the story.

I am trying to adapt to the world without him around. A month ago when he lost his job I was overjoyed. THRILLED. I thought finally, this is it, this is rock bottom and my patience and efforts will pay off. Then, wham, no same old same old but with the added cruelty of oh a new girlfriend suddenly. Wham. After everything. And one five notches or so below me on the totem pole which is a huge insult. And now...just silence. Just gone. Like the day after a huge hurricane. No birds chirping, all quiet, just broken trees and buildings left behind.

JOIE12

your grief is evident and consuming.

I am so sorry Alybally.

I didn't deal with cheating but I was second to the bottle and it's damages. I divorced him after 21 yrs of marriage. There were many painful years filled with abuses of every kind. I stay focused on what I saved myself and my girls from vs what I lost. He's showing you who he really is. I always let things go on for longer than others may have understood but it was long enough to be sure of my decisions and that I never went back. Never. No second chances after the final decision.

Please do something each day for yourself no matter how simple or insignificant it may seem. Each is a milestone and brings strength to your mind and your will. Control what you can (yourself) and leave the rest to those who should be responsible to themselves. I was happy when my ex finally found a girlfriend. She was five steps (or more) below me, everything that I was never allowed to do (she was the opposite of me - moody, a daily drinker, moochy, short, big big chest, short hair, mean, selfish, never held a job for more than a year, lazy/lazy/lazy ... had never raised a child but expected my girls to call her 'mom' ) and I must say, that was a tough one to accept but for whatever reason I felt they were better off together than infecting two other partners. She is alone now. He died this past spring. I have no anger, no bitterness ... I healed a lot before he was removed from our home in '00. I remember a night that he destroyed a solid glass door, nearly injuring our youngest who was 7 at the time and my face with the glass, was taken to the hospital and then a hotel room. He spent the night stitched up from his fingers to his elbow watching porn. That was my wake up. Never mind the abuse he heaped upon me for all those years - that was the last straw. He showed me who he was. And I couldn't look back.

You're numb and in pain but tomorrow will come and you have the choice to put your feet on the floor and walk forward or stay in this relationship which has caused you so much pain. I hope you choose the first option. You are a kind person. Keep coming here.

I attended Alanon around our 13th yr of marriage - and it saved me. I learned how to cope. But one day as we sat around the large long table, I looked at each person that had all become friends ... and realized that they were all divorced or divorcing - and asked them what good it was to come here if it all ended the same (I think I was fighting my own mind at that time) ... they reminded me that the meetings were for us, not for him. To strengthen us to become healthy again. It wasn't the ending that I had prayed for each day, but it was necessary. Best to you and hugs during this difficult time. Joie

Eauchiche

WOW!!!
Your post is a revelation to me.
My ex used to tell me that I only saw the good in people. I thought this was a virtue, but your comment is leading me to believe that it is really a character defect.

This has definitely given me something to work on and ponder.

Many thanks!!!