Tarot

I am beginning to think the next step has to be No Contact. I just don't feel quit strong enough to commit to it yet. I think i will be using it for the wrong reasons. I am still living in hope that something i say or something i do may get through to him....even though i have pretty much tried everything and nothing has worked. I am using the 3 C's as a mantra but not quite there yet. I am still clutching to that last straw of hope even though his actions are far removed from his words. I think i just need some encouragement to take that last step of no contact. To stop me sitting by the phone and longingly checking everyone who walks passed my window insane its him. I want to explain to him why i need no contact but want to say the right thing. Not that it will make much of a difference because he is so lost in the madness at the moment. I think i just need a bit of strength to know that i am doing the right thing in going no contact...for the right reasons.

eveleivibe

What are the3 C s?
Do it. Would he be sitting there waiting for you?

LoveMeNow

Going no contact is for you, not him! It's your time to heal and stop the crazy making.

But it can be very much like the addict seeking their high, so work the program you would want him to work. Fight the urges, lean on God, and stay busy. Take One Day at a Time and acknowledge your feelings, don't stuff them down.

Acknowledge you are letting go with love and letting God. I had to get out of the way and allow God to do his work. I was always interfering with God.

Tarot

He turned up just after i posted this. He was absolutely wasted. I listened patiently to the crap he was spouting...the same old same old repetitive BS he has been spouting all through our relationship. Not one constructive word. Not one scrap of truth. Goofing out whilst swearing that he was clean. In the end my anger got the better of me and i could no longer keep my cool and shouted at him. I told him i wanted nothing more to do with him ever again. That i would get a restraining order on him if he so much as looked at me in the street. It was not at all as i had hoped it would go...a far cry from detatching with love and i am not proud of myself but everything i tried to say constructive got twisted by him and shot down in flames. In the end i snapped, he tried to accuse ME of lying and i just flipped. Well at least it got through to him not that i would imagine he will remember a word i said. But at least he will no longer be calling or texting or turning up. Now all i have to do is stop shaking and look forward to the day i don't have him on my mind every waking minute of the day.

LoveMeNow

Been there, done that! Such a waste of energy and time. I was smart enough not to argue with a drunk but wasn't ever smart enough to not "try to talk and rationalize" with an active addict.

Time to find your balance, your serenity. Play some fun music and dance, if that makes you feel better. Take a bubble bath, go for a brisk walk.

Cry, be angry, be hurt...deal with your emotions - then let them go. The more you work on you, the less you will think of him.

FindingErica

Everytime I break my no contact rule, I pay for it. The price is my emotional wellbeing, a thing I didnt think I had a right to put a price on. Ive spent so many years putting my emotional wellbing on the backburner to others nonsense.

Tarot, you deserve to be in peace. At some point you have to accept the situation for what it is today, right now, and let the future go. When is your today? When is your right now?

Tarot

Do you know i spent hours writing him the most heartfelt, soul searching letter two days ago. I asked him where other was and he said he hadn't even read it yet....grrrr....proof that he doesn't give a toss yet he sat here saying how much he loved me and missed me.....actions not words hey!!

LoveMeNow

Now picture yourself giving that letter to someone so drunk they could barely talk! Drug addiction is no different, it can just be hid better at times.

He is an addict, his love is his drugs! Have you read the stickies? This is who you spent YOUR time writing that letter to:

What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.

Tarot

Thankyou for reminding me of that!....i am actually smiling now...i had that letter by Jon written out and carry it in my purse....how could i forget? I need it tattooed in my eyelids!!! Thanks for reminding me of that Forgetmenot...genious x

Tarot

You too FindingErica....let the future go...he has no intention of sorting himself out he was just manipulating me and here was i hoping for the day he would realise what he was losing and take his recovery seriously and we could get somewhere. All his promises of rehab etc...me holding on to the future...grrrr how stupid of me! Thanks hun for x

Tarot

to you too Eveleivibe....no he's not sitting there waiting for me to call....he's not even read a letter he's had for 2 days!!!

Lily1918

Tarot, sending you huggs Im so glad you're here. I saw your post in the other forum and was hoping you would make your way to this one! Don't forget we are here for you. Im so glad to have found this safe place, and I hope you feel the sane way.

Tarot

Thanks Lily...yes i thank God i found this forum. I am 3 weeks " clean" of him and i wouldn't have done it if i hadn't have for d the strength and advice from you guyz on here. Its great to speak to people who know and understand the hell of trying to cope with loving an addict. Going insane with their insanity. With no one else in the world to turn to for some guidance important afraid that i would have stayed on that emotional rollercoaster for good. God bless you all!!

FindingErica

20 years with my sister, and my dad is still thinking something he does today will get through to her. If ______ would just occur, then she would get better because he is so worried that _____ is going to happen. 20 years he lives this hope and fear every day of it. When is it time to let go? Today, tomorrow, in a decade, on your death bed? WHEN? You get to decide and that is all you will ever get to decide regarding anothers addiction.