bunkie65

In my quest to understand me and of course the addict!!! My sights have been set on our "relationship" and what I want that to look like, be like and what it is not and what it was and what it should be!!!! Why does it all seem so clear to me right now!!!!!! I feel so liberated and free and would love to jump and sing, however addiction is not that kind of party! Its more of a grim reaper type event, if they stay in active addiction! At any rate my freeing moment, spiritual awaking I'm thinking just happened! And its so freaking simple! Are you kidding me right now!

As I said I have spent years looking for a relationship with someone I know from reading and listening is unavailable, but I did not really get it, until now! What the hell was I really thinking? This man is a active addict and is in a tremendous amount of pain and uses to numb this pain and perhaps other reasons just cause he wants to I suppose. It does not really matter WHY he uses he does!!!!! What really matters is he gets recovery!!! And if and when he chooses that he should not be in any kind of relationship for at LEAST a year! That's what I have heard! So my point is this Why was my focus not on that? I cried and may still do that as I'm breaking through my walls of denial and self will! I have been praying and meditating diligently for Gods will for my life and the power to carry that out! Its not his will for a struggling, hurting addict to have any kind of relationship except with him (GOD)! Just as I the struggling, hurting co-dependent should not be in any kind of relationship except with (GOD), while I heal and learn how to take care of me!!! This is only my perspective for me and my situation at this time!

Why did I not see this this way before? Guess I was not ready? I just feel so free. Free to know that even if it is Gods will for us or not to ever be a family again, it sure wont be anytime soon! He is still using and in major denial. He many never get recovery, I pray he does. I cant seem to focus on me and my recovery while he is in the picture and not in recovery his self. I'm not mad or sad at all and in fact I feel quite at peace today! For this knowledge which is so unbelievably simple it's gotten me shaking my head and slightly chuckling to myself as to I knew this stuff but I did not really KNOW this stuff. Not in my spirit and heart! I think I have been so consumed with my will and not even aware of it, that I could not see it cause I was not ready to. Until I got really ready then and only then did I receive what God's will was! When I was really ready and fought for it, and dug deep in me and looked at me and felt the pain and lived through it.

Which leads to my next part of this situation. Is it okay to let the addict know your aware of his dual addictions and don't judge him for it, but ask him to please get help cause he is worth it!? Was I out of line for saying this? I felt free in doing it, I felt like all the secrets were out and let the healing begin. I felt like that is what I needed to do in order to let go and then it all came to me!!!!!! What was I thinking all these years? Wanting what I wanted and not seeing it for what it was and what Gods will was!!!!!
Its really amazing that looking at it from a different perspective, his recovery and his end results if he does not choose that, were not about me and how his using has hurt me or our kids. It was about how the truth is and I did say what I said in love. I did it from a true loving place. I thought if I really love this man as a human being and I don't tell him the truth of what I know and ask him for help then I really don't love him. And ya know what I do. It's not about me and him and us and being a family etc etc etc blah blah blah..... Its about the truth setting him free, if he chooses, the truth of Gods will for my life setting me free. Its about caring but letting go and trusting and knowing you did what you were suppose to. Yea mistakes were made and still will be, but its one day at a time and being true to myself. And most importantly. Turning MY WILL and my life over to the care of God as I understand him. I think I may create in my loved one by the brutally honest truths i told him but that's okay if he gets angry if he does. I did what I had to for me. I told the truth and it set me free.

I hope that was okay to do, I hope I don't wake up and feel like I should not have, it was not my business etc.??? Trial and error I suppose. But I feel a burden or heaviness has lifted from doing that. So hard sometimes second guessing things that are new experiences.

pep

I think it must be right if it has set you free. He will interpret what you said to him how he sees fit or is able to through his addict filter. Sometimes it is the meaning behind things that matter most... not the words or the present action. If you feel Gods will working through you with love that is definitely a beautiful thing! x

outtolunch

In my humble experience the last thing to die is our hopeful fantasy that what we say or do or not is powerful enough to snap someone out of addiction.

The more we focus on what other people should and should not do, the less we focus on what we can do to protect ourselves and minor children from the chaos of addiction.

Your guy is living his life as he intends. Are you?

rsk

The truth will set you free. You both deserve the truth so do not feel bad for receiving or giving it. Best wishes always.

bunkie65

Yes.... Iam living my life now as I see fit as is he. I have finally learned or Iam learning how to take care of me! And let go of the self will behaviors that clouded my thinking! Very freeing indeed! But what is/was more freeing is asking for Gods will and the power to carry that out! Im taking care of me and my children!