funkzter

Dear sr friends,
It has been a while and i dont even know where to begin. My journey with an addict has been and still is, a long one.
Ive been with heroin addict bf for 12 years, where he was on/off drugs, on/off rehabs, on/off jobs and a 6mths prison stunt, 12yrs Where we also had the most amazing girl, 4yrs and half now.
We moved to France (where im originally from) 2.5 years ago and he was clean the 1st year where we had a really peaceful happy time. Then came relapse for 3 mths on/off then clean again but i can see it's still in his skin, asking to come out anytime...
Few weeks ago he asked to marry me, after 12yrs, down on one knee saying the most beautiful proposal, and i said yes.
I dont regret it but im scared, and he knows it, we discuss openly about it, as he knows as much as i know after all those years that he can't promise to stay off drugs, that he cant keep promising stuff he can't control. The "good" thing is, i know where im heading. The bad thing is i know now that no matter how much two persons can love each others, no matter what, a third "person" will always be in between and its either you accept it or you walk away...
And what scares me is 'do i really accept it?'

Thx for listening xx

dollydo

Hi, long time no see. Your daughter is turning into quite a young lady.

You know the drill, you know what you are in for, I sincerely hope that you are truely
ready for this venture.

Take care, sending my best your way....Dolly

Ann

Hello from me too, glad you stopped in.

Dolly said it well...you know what you are dealing with, you know the drill so it's entirely up to you how you want to proceed. If I had a concern at all, it might be "how does all this affect your precious little girl?"

Welcome back hugs

Freedom1990

It is great to see you back, and I almost fell over when you said your beautiful daughter is 4 1/2 now! My gosh, where does time go?

I obviously accepted a marriage proposal from my EXAH, and he never had any recovery save the 30 days inpatient that he was mandated to attend by the department of corrections.

The marriage was doomed to fail from the start, but I was as stubborn as a mule and didn't listen to a single soul.

Today I am grateful for that marriage. Even though it was filled with rage, violence, and fear, it is what took me to my knees in my own addictions. I lasted 5 years with him and almost didn't get out alive.

My EXAH is deceased now, complications from AIDS, a direct result of his lifestyle. We were both IV drug users.

It's just amazing how I have ended up where I am now. Life is a journey.

I wish you nothing but the best, and please give that daughter of yours a hug for me!

lightseeker

aww Funkzter!

So great to hear from you. It was crazy how much you were on my mind last week which was why the PM.....and now...here you are just like one wonderful big blessing!

I CANNOT believe that your little girl is 4 1/2. That's amazing!!!!!! But my boys are 17 and 18 now so I know how quickly it goes.

Your love for Rain has perserved through thick and thin and I wish you well. You do know the ups and downs of addiction for sure so I support you in what is best for you. Like Ann, my main concern is your daughter. You are asking some pretty powerful questions in your post....and you know we are here to listen if you need to sort it out. You are one smart cookie so I know you will be sorting through it all.

We all chose different paths and no one walks in our shoes so there is no one answer. My husband mistreated me so my answer was easy. If he struggled with addiction, worked his program, and was kind it would have made things different I'm sure....or least a lot more difficult to know what to do.

Anyways....so excellent to hear from you!!!!!! I always brighten when I see you!!!!!! Keep us posted!!!! Miss you and love yoU!

funkzter

((SR))
My friends, it's so great being home ( though im not home often!). You know, i always kinda think i wont need to come back, that i know it all, but here i am again and, well, it feels right and i did miss you.
Our daughter is amazing (did i say that before? and of course will always be our priority. During her 1st year n half her daddy was in/out of rehab, so in a way i hope to think she was too young to really realize whats up, but it might have affected her in some ways. After, we had a full year the 3 of us perfect, then i started being again what i call "the business woman" with job with responsabilities and that put us back to the old format we had in HK and Rain relapsed ( no excuses, just facts). At that time Mia was going to school n i believe she didnt realize much, of course she frlt her parents were not happy n laughing like before. Rain left for HK for few months to sort paper (and continued using) so it was just her n me but we do fine. Now he is back for few months and clean and taking her to school, taking care of her and being great with her and making concrete plans for the future. Lets see what comes next but be sure my friends that she is our priority in everything we do.
Thx again xx

laurie6781

Glad to see you, but sorry for 'why' you stopped in.

Ann said it pretty well IMO:

Dolly said it well...you know what you are dealing with, you know the drill
so it's entirely up to you how you want to proceed. If I had a concern at all,
it might be "how does all this affect your precious little girl?"

And you said: Lets see what comes next but be sure my friends that she is
our priority in everything we do.

Since Rain seems to have a track record of relapsing periodically, I would suggest
that you not even set a date, until he can show you at least TWO years of contin-
uous time sober and clean and showing progress in himself during those two
years.

Children are little sponges that absorb EVERYTHING that is going on around them,
and I am sure even though she may not be able to say what 'it' was, she was
affected by those times that he relapsed. If you have any doubts as to how much
a child can be and is affected, go read for a bit in the "Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic
Parents":

Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug
Addiction Help and Information

It will be quite an eye opener.

I am glad you have come back. Please keep posting and let us know how you are
doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

funkzter

Thanks Laurie and all other friends for advise & thoughts.

Regarding above, i do not believe in "2 years test" as i personally don't believe it makes a difference. He might do well during that time and right after relapse. I however won't rush into the altar, taking time until i'm (and he is) truly ready. Still, saying 'i do' was a big step for both of us.

Regarding kids, of course i know kids are sponge and can feel everything around them. It might be stupid but it makes a difference to me: Rain (ra) never ever raised his voice to me or daughter, never called me names, let alone lay a hand on us, and never cheated in 12 years (yes, i know). When he is using he's just a sad/lonely guy and we just ignore each others and i go on with my & Mia's life.
Yes, it's sad and i wish it was easier, but is it worst than (healthy)couples arguing everyday, kids in between?
We sometimes go through rough phases, yes, and Mia feels it, yes, but for the past 3 years she is a happy kid with her both loving parents.
Once again, if Rain's addiction was out of control (ok i know, it's stupid to say that because it is out of control once he relapses) and by out of control i mean like what i have experienced in the past: him nodding off all the time, falling asleep with his cigaret
on, locked in the toilet half OD with a syring in his arms etc etc...then YES i would leave him in a heart beat as no way i want Mia to see her dad like that!!
And it's true that the past 3 years i haven't seen him like that, somehow he managed to "tame' it with us (but went full time when he went back to HK for few months -but he was not with us so it didn't affect us as much). Anyway, don't know if what i say makes sense.
thxxx

lightseeker

Funkzter,

through the years I've discovered that focusing on me and what were my tolerance levels worked a whole lot better than trying to place criteria for someone else to follow...so I understand where you are coming from.

Also, you are dead on right about timing/relapsing/etc. My ex husband went 7 years without using crack at one point but drank, smoked, and did pills. Then he went 6 years completely sober. Now, he has relapsed. It really isn't until someone hits the 5 year mark that the stats start to be even 1/2 way encouraging. Even then, all anyone has is a daily reprieve.

I used to get so rattled at Naranon meetings when a loved one would come in and say "I'm back, my husband went 13 years without using but now he was relapsed". Not every addict relapses but it definitely is a disease where relapse is very common. It's foolish to believe that someone has "it beat". So...you are wise to keep your head about you.

My situation with my ex is different because we did not have children together. However, if I had to go on and marry him like I did I sure do wish that I had an iron clad prenup that would have protected my assets. Even when you think that someone will never take advantage of you please make sure that legally you are not going to go down too if things did go bad. I've just seen too many people end up responsible for debts and damages that there addict created.

There certainly isn't any rush so you are smart to just see how it plays out for awhile. I trust you will know if and when it's the right thing to do. If you have any little tiny lingering doubts though it's always best to go with the saying "if in doubt, don't". Marriage is difficult under the best of circumstances...

I have a friend who knows that she does not want to marry....she is living with and deeply in love with her partner though. He would like to marry... so they have compromised and had a commitment ceremony (non legal) and exchanged rings. It seems to be working well. Remember, you can always live outside of anyone's box and create what works for you.

So excited to see Mia's picture! What a cutie!!!!! What languages does she speak?

verylost

lightseeker has some wonderful practical advice. Marriage is a legal contract and ties you to a person in ways you don't even consider until things start to go terribly wrong. All the sudden your freedom to up and leave becomes much more difficult than just an emotionally based issue. If you do decide this is what you both want, a prenup and keeping your finances separated might give you more freedom if things do go wrong.

funkzter

Thanks again my friend ((lightseeker)) and ((verylost)), you are absolutely right. Actually i always thought it was good not to marry him so i could run anytime if anything happen. So yes i still think -if im outside the box- that its much wiser not to. Yet i said yes and still feel like a "i do to be"... What a weird way of thinking... We have plans for the future of going to Australia ( he has family there and australian passport) lots of things to plan and think ahead..
To answer you Lightseeker, she speaks french and english but no chinese yet

Impurrfect

Hey sweetie!!! I have no advice to add that hasn't all been covered above, but am REALLY glad to see you and, like the others, I can't believe ((Mia)) is 4-1/2! I remember when she was just a wee baby!

Whatever happens, I wish you all the best.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

funkzter

Hi ((Amy))
Nice to read you, thanks for your nice words & thoughts!
Yeah Mia is growing fast, such a big girl now, almost already a teen, ahah!
Gosh still no easy way to insert a pic on SR, otherwise i'd bombard you with tones of her pics in here
Got to figure how to do that again...
Hope all is well your side xxxx