Kaim

After my last post, we decided to try an Intensive Outpatient Rehab facility in exchange for her son (17) living with us full time. We drew up a contract that clearly specified no drug or alcohol use, with car usage limited to school and work. Well, it lasted all of two days.

My girlfriend ended up leaving work early last night, and her son wasn't home. Eventually he came home, and we immediately called the cops. We tried to find an inpatient rehab facility, but he ended up at a runaway facility for a few nights while we figure out other plans. Eventually he admitted that before the IOP started, he wanted to party and was smoking weed heavily and drinking again. It is the roughest thing we've ever had to do, but we had to draw the line somewhere. There can't continually be one more last chance, the boundary and consequence was clearly defined and he knowingly violated it thinking he wouldn't get caught.

There is nothing else that we can do, diversion program didn't work, calling the cops didn't work, counseling didn't work. A few years ago, I never would have said pot was addictive now I can't help but think it's like alcohol. Some people will never have a problem with it, others will never be able to touch it due to their illness. He's lost everything that ever mattered, we still love him more then life itself, but we won't enable him any longer. The weed, drinking, pills has to stop, we will gladly pay for him to go to inpatient rehab but he needs to want to get clean. He clearly doesn't want to at this point, as he admitted it today that he can't wait to have his own place so that he can have a few beers and joints with his friends.

Addiction sucks, but I'm determined to break the cycle even if it's just allowing my girlfriend and I to have a normal-ish life and not be responsible for her son's addiction any longer. We are both going to start going to a counselor to learn how to deal, I'll end up going to Al-Anon meetings (she does a different one that I can't remember the name of at the moment). I still have hope for him, still love him, but this path he walks is his alone. We will be there to support his recovery, but we won't support his addiction any longer.

Natom

You've said it yourself. He needs to want to get clean. You let him go off and do what he wants to do and eventually one day he may see sense.

heartbroken2214

Kaim,
Good luck to you. Thank you for sharing this with us. I know this took an incredible amount of courage and bravery to just step back and let him go. It is against our very nature in relationships to "just let go."
I am in the very same position right now. My boyfriend who I love and adore has been gone on a binge/thinking and alone time since yesterday. Before his relapse, we were never apart. Now I wake up and he's not there... It kills me and I've been having a very emotional day. So, I'm currently struggling with the codependent need for him to come home to me vs. kicking him out and loving him the right way so that he can find his rock bottom.
Good luck to both of us then.

kmangel

My son began drinking and drugs at age thirteen. When he turned 19 he, my husband and i moved out of state. There was a respite for him from drugs after we moved. He graduated from university. Then he decided to move back to where he was a drug/alcohol abuser. I told him that I was concerned he would fall back into his old pattern. He moved away and four years later became a heroin addict. One way or another I think he was destined to travel that road. My husband and I only delayed the inevitable. My husband and I were a thousand miles away so we did not interfere with his abusing drugs as much as we could have. We didn't know he was a drug addict until the last year and then we were very naive about it. The legal system is what put the breaks on for him. He was ordered to rehab. He is doing better now. He is back living near us, though not with us. I truly believe he had to experience all he experienced to get to the place he is now.

It is hard to see our children suffer but there is no other way but through it for them. Then there is a possibility of hope. Let what must happen happen. It is going to happen sooner or later anyway.

Ann

Contracts, promises (no matter how sincere at the time), listing rules...all a waste of time and energy because when the time comes, nothing can stand between an addict and his drug.

I learned to set boundaries, they were about me and what I would or would not allow in my life. Then and today, I will now allow drugs of any kind in my home, nor any person who I suspect has used them. I will not allow disrespect from anyone, nor will I tolerate being lied to or stolen from. The consequence for pushing any of these boundaries is immediate eviction from my home and possible police action.

I let my son come home many times, afraid for his life on the street. It never once worked out well. And making him leave was always an emotional experience that hurt us both.

You did the right thing, as hard as that sounds. We can love them no matter what but we don't have to take a front row seat to their drama of addiction.

Hugs from a mama who's been there and designed her own fabulous T-shirt.