Silence...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Enfield, IL
Posts: 45
Silence...
I realize that for me cutting off my son what my desperate attempt to help him realize the consequences of his actions....so now it has been about a week with no calls or texts and I am scared to death... I did recieve one text earlier this week that he made an appointment with a counselor ..but that was it ...so is this what it feels like to detach..I am just not sure what I am suppose to do I just don't know how to do nothing ...
I watch all these intervention shows and wonder if I have done enough ..I thought I did but then I see the lengths that some people go through to help their child or relative and I wonder if I tried hard enough. Although I could never afford to give him the option of an expensive rehab ...I guess this all takes time
I watch all these intervention shows and wonder if I have done enough ..I thought I did but then I see the lengths that some people go through to help their child or relative and I wonder if I tried hard enough. Although I could never afford to give him the option of an expensive rehab ...I guess this all takes time
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Dear Sue, it is very difficult when you first detach. I also went through anxiety and grief when my son relapsed. he chose the No Contact because of his actions (which included theft from our home), but at some point, they must find out for themselves that their choices to use drugs always lead to the same place: Jail, Institutions or death.
He is angry because his enabler is now choosing to stop enabling. he is punishing you through manipulation in hopes that you will be so desperate when he does call that you will collapse to his demands. You have to detach for yourself, regardless of what he thinks or feels. In your previous posts, it is clear that YOU are done. Give this to God.
We are all here and understand your feelings and your concern. There are some amazing posts from Kind Eyes about FOG. That stands for Fear, Obligation or Guilt. does that sound familiar? We codies all operate in those modes.
Please get to a meeting to know that you are NOT alone.
Hugs,
Teresa
He is angry because his enabler is now choosing to stop enabling. he is punishing you through manipulation in hopes that you will be so desperate when he does call that you will collapse to his demands. You have to detach for yourself, regardless of what he thinks or feels. In your previous posts, it is clear that YOU are done. Give this to God.
We are all here and understand your feelings and your concern. There are some amazing posts from Kind Eyes about FOG. That stands for Fear, Obligation or Guilt. does that sound familiar? We codies all operate in those modes.
Please get to a meeting to know that you are NOT alone.
Hugs,
Teresa
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
It took me a very long time to walk through the fear. My son understood my triggers much better than I did. He knew that my fear was a tool for him. He understood that I reacted to hints that I was obligated to be a "good mother". He could say things that would absolutely cause me to convulse with guilt. He knew how to manipulate me into doing just about anything he wanted.......I was easy. I was a gold medal winning codependent (not proud of that....it's just true).
I certainly wondered for a very long time whether I had done enough for him. But in the process of trying to prove what a good mother I was and how very much I loved him......I lost me.
The process of finding myself and detaching with love from my son was a process that took ten years or more....the most intense being the last three years. Give yourself some time. The most important suggestion that anyone ever made to me was to work the program I wished he would. And I have. It hasn't necessarily succeeded in getting him clean and sober but it has given me my life back. And I know that he'll get clean and sober if/when he's good and ready and not a moment sooner.
Take care of you. It's the best thing you can do for you, your dear son, and anyone else who loves you both.
gentle hugs
ke
I certainly wondered for a very long time whether I had done enough for him. But in the process of trying to prove what a good mother I was and how very much I loved him......I lost me.
The process of finding myself and detaching with love from my son was a process that took ten years or more....the most intense being the last three years. Give yourself some time. The most important suggestion that anyone ever made to me was to work the program I wished he would. And I have. It hasn't necessarily succeeded in getting him clean and sober but it has given me my life back. And I know that he'll get clean and sober if/when he's good and ready and not a moment sooner.
Take care of you. It's the best thing you can do for you, your dear son, and anyone else who loves you both.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tacoma WA
Posts: 109
Dear Schab33, the silences are excruciating aren't they? Our minds conjure up all kinds of scenarios. As the years pass, I take the long long silences as part of the addiction. My AS is 27. He found his true lover, marijuana, at 14. There have been more drugs added to his tool bag over the years, but marijuana is his true love.
The pain and fear isn't nearly as searing now. It's more of just a constant little heartache. Not debilitating. Not enough to prevent me from living a rich life.
I've tripped and fallen over the years in response to him, but my life is full and spiritual. Ultimately, I chose not to fall with him.
It hurts. Its hurts wicked bad. But, I look back and I am proud of my strength.
I know I was a good mother. One of the addict's favorite accusation to hurl is how horrible a mother we were to them. They know how to go for the jugular.
Walk in peace. Your battle scars will become scars of survival and wisdom.
with compassion,
Peaceandgrace
The pain and fear isn't nearly as searing now. It's more of just a constant little heartache. Not debilitating. Not enough to prevent me from living a rich life.
I've tripped and fallen over the years in response to him, but my life is full and spiritual. Ultimately, I chose not to fall with him.
It hurts. Its hurts wicked bad. But, I look back and I am proud of my strength.
I know I was a good mother. One of the addict's favorite accusation to hurl is how horrible a mother we were to them. They know how to go for the jugular.
Walk in peace. Your battle scars will become scars of survival and wisdom.
with compassion,
Peaceandgrace
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Understand the harder we try as mothers to save them, the sicker they get and the sicker we get.
Understand that cutting him off in desperation as an attempt to get him to see, isn’t why we should cut of. We cut off to remove ourselves from being part of the problem.
Know that the most fancy and expensive rehab will not save a child, the child saves themselves when they are ready. I couldn’t afford rehab and I wouldn’t pay if I could. My son was an adult, he found a way to into outpatient and he found way to get into inpatient. Neither cost him a dime.
I let my son live as he wanted. He wanted to use and I didn’t argue he shouldn’t. I allowed him to do it his way in each attempt he made to get well or to get worse.
I was told by other mothers, when I shared and advised them to please for the sake of the child to let go … that they loved their kids.
I can’t stress enough that the pattern never changes, each attempt to help, cushion, save them from the consequences of their addiction just gives them time to figure out a way around what confused, scared or hurt them in it … The lessons we tend to teach with helping, makes them smarter and more equipped to live in the madness addiction should present.
What to do, depends on how the questions is posed.
What to do for him, well is there anything to you can do … No. And isn’t he capable of doing for himself … Well of course he is.
What you need to do for you, well that one is a bit more complicate. You are allowed to talk to him, you know that right? And to see him if you so choose. But everything needs to be about what you need, not what you think he needs and not in some attempt to save him or get him to see.
Keeping good thoughts.
Understand that cutting him off in desperation as an attempt to get him to see, isn’t why we should cut of. We cut off to remove ourselves from being part of the problem.
Know that the most fancy and expensive rehab will not save a child, the child saves themselves when they are ready. I couldn’t afford rehab and I wouldn’t pay if I could. My son was an adult, he found a way to into outpatient and he found way to get into inpatient. Neither cost him a dime.
I let my son live as he wanted. He wanted to use and I didn’t argue he shouldn’t. I allowed him to do it his way in each attempt he made to get well or to get worse.
I was told by other mothers, when I shared and advised them to please for the sake of the child to let go … that they loved their kids.
I can’t stress enough that the pattern never changes, each attempt to help, cushion, save them from the consequences of their addiction just gives them time to figure out a way around what confused, scared or hurt them in it … The lessons we tend to teach with helping, makes them smarter and more equipped to live in the madness addiction should present.
What to do, depends on how the questions is posed.
What to do for him, well is there anything to you can do … No. And isn’t he capable of doing for himself … Well of course he is.
What you need to do for you, well that one is a bit more complicate. You are allowed to talk to him, you know that right? And to see him if you so choose. But everything needs to be about what you need, not what you think he needs and not in some attempt to save him or get him to see.
Keeping good thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Paying his rent and bills enabled addiction.
Ceasing to do so disabled your role in his addiction. This is HUGE.
Continuing to believe that what you do or not will cause him to change is codependency.
He is living his life as he sees fit to do. Are you?
Ceasing to do so disabled your role in his addiction. This is HUGE.
Continuing to believe that what you do or not will cause him to change is codependency.
He is living his life as he sees fit to do. Are you?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Schab33 
I realize that for me cutting off my son what my desperate attempt to help him realize the consequences of his actions....
I do understand the desperation, and often I would find myself engaged in these "battles" with my AD earlier in her addictions. It was a knee-jerk and emotionally charged decision every time.
As I learned in my own recovery from addiction/alcoholism, I had to cease to fight. I had to surrender to the fact I was powerless over my AD's addiction, and in order to move forward, I had to let go of the control game and focus on my own recovery.
Sending you many hugs of support on the chilly Kansas winds this morning!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
I feel your pain, Schab33.
Until very recently, I was constantly comparing my actions to help my AD with others' actions and finally stopped that train because it did nothing to help me detach or accept my daughter's CONTINUED choice to feed her addiction. An old friend caught me in my own loop one day and reminded me of instances years ago where she'd been amazed by my efforts to help my teenaged daughter. I'd forgotten what I'd done. I was busy worrying in the present about a past I'd nearly forgotten. When our kids are young, we may have some influence, but addiction can still win in the end. My daughter had to go through this in her own way. Her bottom wasn't five weeks in the hospital after an OD. It came later. And it may not be THE bottom, either. The thing is, we can't really do anything, and this is excruciating. It is exactly why we have to take care of ourselves, and not get lost in something we have no control over anyway.
It's hard, yes, but it has also been a relief for me to not have any money to give her. She knows she has to do her recovery and her living on her own. It seems to have empowered her to finally do her own growing.
I so understand the pain of silence. The FOG really rolls in then! But these past few months, even though she is very silent, and hardly ever talks to me, I have learned on SR and at NarAnon that attending to myself is KEY to my recovery and truly the only thing I have control over.
You're in my prayers for continued strength and peaceful heart.
Until very recently, I was constantly comparing my actions to help my AD with others' actions and finally stopped that train because it did nothing to help me detach or accept my daughter's CONTINUED choice to feed her addiction. An old friend caught me in my own loop one day and reminded me of instances years ago where she'd been amazed by my efforts to help my teenaged daughter. I'd forgotten what I'd done. I was busy worrying in the present about a past I'd nearly forgotten. When our kids are young, we may have some influence, but addiction can still win in the end. My daughter had to go through this in her own way. Her bottom wasn't five weeks in the hospital after an OD. It came later. And it may not be THE bottom, either. The thing is, we can't really do anything, and this is excruciating. It is exactly why we have to take care of ourselves, and not get lost in something we have no control over anyway.
It's hard, yes, but it has also been a relief for me to not have any money to give her. She knows she has to do her recovery and her living on her own. It seems to have empowered her to finally do her own growing.
I so understand the pain of silence. The FOG really rolls in then! But these past few months, even though she is very silent, and hardly ever talks to me, I have learned on SR and at NarAnon that attending to myself is KEY to my recovery and truly the only thing I have control over.
You're in my prayers for continued strength and peaceful heart.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Enfield, IL
Posts: 45
Originally Posted by peaceandgrace
My AS is 27. He found his true lover, marijuana, at 14. There have been more drugs added to his tool bag over the years, but marijuana is his true love.
Peaceandgrace
Peaceandgrace
Thankk you all for your replies it really is so comforting..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Enfield, IL
Posts: 45
The silence was broken...apparently he went to one counseling session and felt that was enough to make me happy and started calling for money, a new phone and oh yeh for me to move home. All of which I said no and hung up ...I did respond to a few text messages but I just couldn't help myself ... he continues to be on probabtion and have court cases pending in a second state I hope that these legal issues will come to an end soon and either land him in jail or court ordered rehab ..he lives in MA/RI area and the legal systems seem to be more than slow ...on the up side he actually sounded pretty good and the money he was asking for was to pay for his utilities from the apartment he just moved out of ...he is afraid to ruin his credit ...go figure ..
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Alabama
Posts: 239
Originally Posted by Schab33
The silence was broken...apparently he went to one counseling session and felt that was enough to make me happy and started calling for money, a new phone and oh yeh for me to move home. All of which I said no and hung up ...I did respond to a few text messages but I just couldn't help myself ... he continues to be on probabtion and have court cases pending in a second state I hope that these legal issues will come to an end soon and either land him in jail or court ordered rehab ..he lives in MA/RI area and the legal systems seem to be more than slow ...on the up side he actually sounded pretty good and the money he was asking for was to pay for his utilities from the apartment he just moved out of ...he is afraid to ruin his credit ...go figure ..
Toss
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