boymama

I am currently dealing with my sister's denial of addiction. The problem with the "letting go" is that my husband and I currently have custody of her daughter and she has visitation. I am surely not alone in this situation, am I?

My sister has dealt with various addictions since she was 15. (She's 35 now). Most recently, she and her husband were using opiates and stimulants (Percocet/Adderall). In the last 2 years she has lost 2 jobs, he lost one, they lost their home, their rental home, they have borrowed about $13000 total from relatives, and the list just goes on....

Her husband left her in May 2012, telling our family that they both have drug problems. He is also a dealer and he seems to have dropped off the face of the earth for now.

My sister moved in with a boyfriend. When that happened, my husband and I picked up her daughter from another questionable relative (on Dad's side) and have had her ever since. We spent the entire summer this year in a complete panic-state ... we would go weeks without hearing from her, we rocked my niece to sleep every night, she was screaming for her mommy. We have three other children and to say they were having adjustment problems is a very large understatement. As a sister, I was scared to death. She has had episodes (binges?) before but never this long. We were told through friends that she was using Meth and heroin.

So blah, blah blah ... all the regular stuff ... she came over totally wasted, falling all over herself, talking on and on and on about herself, would call at 3am, had sores ALL OVER her body... I mean, I am not stupid, I KNOW she was using. Her denial had me questioning myself over and over... and my parents' denial did as well... so I had a very challenging summer.

Once he recognized there was indeed a problem, My father (parents are divorced) came into town to help her get her life back together. My sister and my dad have always been very close and it was a harsh reality for him. But, he talked to her, he gave her loads of money, he took her to a psychologist every week, he bailed her boyfriend out of jail, he broke up a domestic between her and her boyfriend, etc., etc. Thinking he was helping, but believing her that she was "clean" and enabling her over and over again. He said he had to "try". When she was seeing her doctor, she was getting tested every weeks. I believe she had 4 consecutive clean tests ... although she bragged more than once about smoking pot and still testing clean. I believe in my heart she manipulated the test in some way. My dad called me a skeptic, since the doctor sends the tests out to be verified ... but I believe an intelligent person like herself would surely know how to rig a test somehow. She also got a pretty decent job and seemed to calm down a lot.

Anyway, he left town 2 weeks ago. She hasn't been to her doctor since. She had a standing appointment every Friday at 4 for 6 weeks. She was supposed to go last Friday now and she told me "they" changed her appointment until today (Monday) ... and today, when I offered to meet her for dinner after her appointment she said "it is Tuesday at 11:15" ... so, I believe there are more lies.

So, while all of this is happening, a family member gave my husband and I a blank check towards legal costs to protect our niece. We got one of the very best attorneys in our area and were added on as third-party defendants in their divorce case. Since we had the money, we encouraged our attorney to negotiate with sister's attorney to peacefully allow the magistrate to order temporary custody over to my husband and I. We are SO fortunate to have this financial help! I am very thankful.

Anyway, the terms of the custody give sister visitation with niece. She was supposed to pick her up from school Tuesday/Thursday and keep her until 7 and one over night a week, 4-4 Sat-Sun. Then when she got her job it was 5:30 til 7. Niece's therapist suggested that we change the short visits to one extended visit, having Wed 5:30 - 8:30 and making the Sat-Sun 12-12.

So, of course things have "come up" to change these times ... she's NEVER been on time or consistent.

Yesterday when I saw her, I know without a doubt that she's using again. She really is. Her eyes were red, she had LOADS of heavy make up on, she had new and open sores (and bandaids to cover the bad ones) and 1/2 the time she was talking to me her eyes were closed. She would appear to a novice to be extremely motivated and well organized, but I. know. better. She also told me that she and my niece were out until 11 at a friend's house (friend also has a daughter who is 6)... and that's not responsible parenting, is it?

Why does this hurt so badly?

I asked her if she was using again (I knew this was futile, but felt like I wanted her to know I knew) and she looked at me like I was a crazy-pants.

Now I have to figure out what we should do with regards to my niece (should she really be visiting? how do I prove she's using again?) and also ... what should I do?

If there wasn't a child involved, I would seriously just let go ... ignore her. But there's this little girl. The hope is that one day she'll go back to her mom. But i think I am becoming more realistic now and realize that a paycheck doesn't mean a suitable apartment is on its way ... it means more drugs. Even though sister says over and over that she's getting a place and her goal is to get her daughter back... it isn't, is it?

So, how can I let go, when we're bound by this child?

I am almost 40 years old and I swear, I feel like I am 8 ... I just keep looking for someone to tell me it is going to be okay. I don't know how to make it okay ... for me, for my husband, for my niece and for my own children.

Thank you for letting me just get it out. I know some of the story is lacking detail - but I am just furiously typing and wanted to just type as I am thinking.

interrupted

I would discuss pursuing full custody without visitation with your lawyer. At this point the lack of routine or stability is likely doing a lot more harm than good. Thank you for being there for this child, she didn't ask for any of this. I'm sorry your situation is so painful, but I'm glad you found us, you are not alone.

gurlie214

Oh my goodness! Bless your heart! I am an aunt too, and this scenario would KILL me! I cannot imagine how upsetting this must be. Thank GOD for you, Thank GOD you are putting this child first! You are absolutely doing the right thing! Thank God for the family member who gave you money to help you pursue temporary custody. If I knew she was using, there is no way I could send the child off with her (and I am certain you feel the same). Perhaps your attorney can suggest/request supervised visitation? What if something happened to her? I don't agree with her being out until 11 PM at a "friend's house" either, mainly beause of her track record, though. If none of this were an issue, I could surely see how on rare occasion she went to friends for a function, etc. But the truth is, you cannot trust your sister's judgment right now! Don't give in.....you are doing the right thing! HUGS to you!!!

boymama

Thank you both for replying. It is such an odd place to be. It would horrify me as a mother to have my children taken from me. How does this not phase her?

crazybabie

I agree her daughter doesn't need to be with her your sister is using and driving with the child in the car. I would talk to the attorney again and tell them about the meth sores you see and any other symptoms... I would not let my sister know and I would go for no visitation right now and if you can't get that then supervised.

Her daughter nor your children (if they are) do not need to see her like this or be around her. I am glad her daughter has you so many children get stuck in this mess.

Faithlove

If your attorney has a blank check, he/she can surely secure supervised visitation for the child. I'm not telling you to disobey a court order but there's no way in Hades I'd let a child go with someone I thought was high at that moment. I doubt a judge would want a child in that situation. What about no unsupervised visits until she passes a hair follicle test? These are more difficult for addicts to show up clean on.

You are an angel! Stay strong! You and your family are in my prayers!

boymama

Thank you for the encouragement! I am relieved I have found a place like this where maybe my experience can help someone and theirs help me.
Thanks you.

peaceandgrace

boymama, you have angels in your life right now! And, your family is an angel to your niece.

PLEASE seek full custody of this innocent child. There couldn't be a judge anywhere in country who wouldn't grant it given the story you have just posted here.

The biggest heartbreak of addiction is the wrecked lives and innocence of the children involved.

I know I would do anything, and am, in my power to keep my granddaughter safe from my AS.

with compassion,

Peaceandgrace

boymama

Thank you.

So, honestly, the story sounds rational - possible? Sometimes I think I am SOOO crazy because the things that happen are so unbelievable.

peaceandgrace

Yes, the story sounds plausible. One thing I've found dealing with my AS and his messes is that sometimes I have thought it's ME who is over reacting. They can make us feel like we don't get it.

Stay strong. Anytime an innocent child is involved with addictions, we need to become lionesses.

Impurrfect

((boymama)) - I have a niece who is like my own child. Her mom died in a car wrech when she was 1, her dad is an A (addict). My stepmom (her grandmother) and my dad raised her. We went through all kinds of custody issues, but we got my niece a guardian-ad-litem (they work for the CHILD'S best interest) and by age 3, she had this, a lawyer and psychiatrist.

As far as why doesn't your sister recognize the risk of losing her daughter? I'm both an RA (recovering addict) and recovering codie (codependent - have loved ones who are addicts). When I was using drugs, nothing was important to me BUT the drugs. I had to hit bottom, meaning losing practically everything I had, including my freedom. I missed a few years of my niece's life. I can't undo what I did, but I work my recovery every day and I make "living amends".

I don't know what your sister's bottom is, but I am very grateful her daughter, you niece, has you.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

FindingErica

Lots of similarities to our stories. My sister is 35 and has been an addict since 15-meth has been her DOC mostly and alcohol and pot. Im nearing 40 with 3 kids. We tried to get her son out of the foster system but the dad beat us, only because we were out of state. Probably best we didnt get custody as turns out my husband is now an addict. Though i still think i am a more adequate parent than his bio dad. That was a three year fight and i had a lawyer, and i still didnt win. She did some neglectful things to that boy and put his life in danger after he was given back to her. My dad also used to go out and grt her off the street, live in a hotel or motorhome, cleaning her up and taking her to appts. Now his health is too poor. He is still so codependent.

My advice, if you want this child, you fight now while you have the leverage of her being in your home. Document everything, every late visit, every unsafe action, if she is high. I love my sister, but i would have and did as best i could, protect that baby from her. Try to get supervised visits for her. Demand drug tests. There is a good forum on adoption.com for family members trying to adopt. Alot of people on there with similar situations. Good luck!

boymama

Wow. I am amazed at how much better I feel. Thank you so much for replying. I made an appointment with our attorney for next Wednesday. I think we're going to move the next step up and go for supervised visitation. The magistrate has already issued an order for 1 agency-supervised hour a week for Dad ... but he hasn't crawled (or slithered) out from under his rock yet to claim his daughter.

My niece is so so so sweet. The saddest part is that I think she has typical "child of an addict" behavior. She really has trouble trusting adults and she worries constantly that I am going to forget something or somehow get her in trouble. I just keep making the appointments with a therapist and my husband and I are doing the best we can to make her trust adults again.

On my sister's front, there was drama ALL day. She missed her drug test (really, hmm ... not surprised there!) and then she blamed it on a dental surgery she apparently had yesterday (even though no one knew of this - and my sister is such an incredible narcissist, we would have been told the story 10 times if it was true) and it came out that she was prescribed percocet for the pain ... hmmmmmm...

My guess is that she probably a tooth pulled just so she could get the percs then she and her boyfriend got high last night and she slept in and had to make up an excuse to miss work AND doctor's appointment.

I hate that there is so much guessing -- because I don't want to take away her child if she isn't using ... I only want to protect her. I've used that reasoning with my sister before ... I won't judge you, I just want to protect your daughter, etc., etc ... and she just denied everything.

I am just going to keep moving forward as though she IS POSITIVELY and taking appropriate actions and hope that eventually my mind can accept her addiction.

SSHope

I am so sorry for the reason that you have come to this forum. Addiction is a family disease that makes us all feel like we are losing our minds at one time or another. In your recent reply you said you didn't know if she was using again. I wanted to share something that I read in response to another member's post. It has helped me tremendously when dealing with my addict brother.

Rather than trying to prove whether she is using or not, focus on her behaviors. Are they acceptable?

It sounds like they are not even close to acceptable, especially to be spending time unsupervised with her daughter. God bless you and your sweet niece!

seventytimes7

Yes, ditto on the "thank you for being there for this child".

I am truly sorry for the chaos that has come into your life. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

But by God you can love that child. :-)

I have learned quickly about the 3 c's. What is harder for me is the LOGISTICS of letting go. As you so succinctly put it “so I had a very challenging summer.” It is easy to say “let go and let God” and I think that is vital in the wee small hours of the morning when the repetitive thoughts and fears come to call, but in the daylight, when we are having to “be there for a child” or manage a “residential treatment admission” and all the paperwork hoops and LOGISTICAL details – I can’t figure out how this letting go and letting God actually fleshes out. I still have to do things to manage the chaos left in the wake of addiction. Sometimes it makes me feel overwhelmed.

Just thinking out loud.

February13

I can't help wondering how old your niece is.

I have a 2 year old daughter and my doctor who is also her addicted father's doctor told me not to leave her alone with him. Not at all. Not for an hour. Sure he is not your sister but I would think that she shouldn't be alone with her daughter either.

Your sister cannot take care of your niece, she cannot protect her. I have heard some really scary stories of abuse from children of alcoholics/ addicts.

Try to go for supervised visits for sure.

boymama

Thank you so much. The difficult part isn't taking care of my niece, I feel guilty when I am praised for that. The challenge lies in dealing with my sister.

My niece is 6. :-)

Kimm992

Your niece is incredibly lucky to have you and your husband!!