Useless update, confused as ever
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Useless update, confused as ever
I've had several pm's from people who were sort of concerned about me since I haven't been posting. I was surprised that anyone missed me or was worried. I appreciate everyone's support here so much. I just want to make a little update and let everyone know I'm ok. I haven't been posting because there hasn't been too many new things happening, and maybe the things I do have to share aren't going to sound so great. I feel very lost and confused I guess. I've been here reading other threads, but I feel I'm not one to give advice to anyone lately, and sometimes I just don't feel like I'm in the right mindset to respond.
My bf's been fine I think. He seems to be going to his meetings, but they'll go down to only 3 times a week starting tomorrow. I asked him if he's thought about getting a sponsor and he said maybe. He thinks the idea is good.
Recently, I think I'm doing anything but setting boundaries. I'm doing the opposite sometimes. I catch myself afterwards thinking "why did you do that?"
Somebody tell me how stupid I'm being. I need to figure out health insurance for the baby. I'm on my parents' insurance, but it won't cover the baby. My bf's also on his parents' insurance. Currently he works part-time bc he's normally in school too. He's off this semester bc he was still in rehab when the semester started. So, he's going to move to full-time and continue that when school starts in January. That means he can get on their health insurance and the baby can be on it too. It's really stupid for me to do that, isn't it? He managed to keep his job while addicted to heroin for 1.5 years, so what will happen now? I just don't know what else to do. Can I trust him to be responsible for something like this?
My bf's been fine I think. He seems to be going to his meetings, but they'll go down to only 3 times a week starting tomorrow. I asked him if he's thought about getting a sponsor and he said maybe. He thinks the idea is good.
Recently, I think I'm doing anything but setting boundaries. I'm doing the opposite sometimes. I catch myself afterwards thinking "why did you do that?"
Somebody tell me how stupid I'm being. I need to figure out health insurance for the baby. I'm on my parents' insurance, but it won't cover the baby. My bf's also on his parents' insurance. Currently he works part-time bc he's normally in school too. He's off this semester bc he was still in rehab when the semester started. So, he's going to move to full-time and continue that when school starts in January. That means he can get on their health insurance and the baby can be on it too. It's really stupid for me to do that, isn't it? He managed to keep his job while addicted to heroin for 1.5 years, so what will happen now? I just don't know what else to do. Can I trust him to be responsible for something like this?
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 267
Kyles,
Most states have health insurance programs for uninsured children. You may want to check into that. It may be cleaner and more straight forward than relying on you bf. What would happen to his insurance when he goes back to school? If the baby winds up being dropped at that point, it will be more of a hassle getting him or her covered than if you get them set up with the state program from the start.
Here's where you can get information about the program in your state; Programs in Your State | InsureKidsNow.gov
Most states have health insurance programs for uninsured children. You may want to check into that. It may be cleaner and more straight forward than relying on you bf. What would happen to his insurance when he goes back to school? If the baby winds up being dropped at that point, it will be more of a hassle getting him or her covered than if you get them set up with the state program from the start.
Here's where you can get information about the program in your state; Programs in Your State | InsureKidsNow.gov
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He plans to continue working full-time when he goes back to school, just work his classes around it I guess. That means he'd still have his own insurance through work. He's mainly only going to move into the full time position to get the insurance for the baby.
I don't think I qualify for the state programs because I'm a dependent of my parents and they make too much. I just looked for my state and I don't think I meet the criteria. I'll still look at it though.
I don't think I qualify for the state programs because I'm a dependent of my parents and they make too much. I just looked for my state and I don't think I meet the criteria. I'll still look at it though.
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Join Date: May 2012
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Hi . I was also wondering how you were doing, and hoping all was ok.
Glad to hear your BF is sticking with his outpatient meetings .. Good sign.
I dont know a lot about the healthcare; but I would think that the employee sponsored healthcare might give you the best options. I bet your BF could go to human resources, and talk to them about getting some information about what is covered for children. They might have a booklet, etc. that you could read up on. That might ease some of your worries.
Also, I do know there is a law in place that requires employers to offer their group insurance to employees even if they are terminated, laid off, or have their hours reduced in the future. Its called COBRA Insurance I think. This would have to be paid for out of pocket, but at least you would know insurance wouldnt have to be dropped immediately in case something like job loss happened. I think its good for at least 18 months.
Glad to hear your BF is sticking with his outpatient meetings .. Good sign.
I dont know a lot about the healthcare; but I would think that the employee sponsored healthcare might give you the best options. I bet your BF could go to human resources, and talk to them about getting some information about what is covered for children. They might have a booklet, etc. that you could read up on. That might ease some of your worries.
Also, I do know there is a law in place that requires employers to offer their group insurance to employees even if they are terminated, laid off, or have their hours reduced in the future. Its called COBRA Insurance I think. This would have to be paid for out of pocket, but at least you would know insurance wouldnt have to be dropped immediately in case something like job loss happened. I think its good for at least 18 months.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Glad to hear from you, Kyles. Since you are asking this question on SR, I am going to guess you'd like to hear how the health care decision relates to your relationship with your ABF...
Using his insurance when he is still on fragile ground and may be fired at any moment is, IMHO, not supporting your or your baby's best interest. We've chimed in about this before by offering advice, based on his addiction, that you create a life independent of his actions around drug use for some time to come. Relying on him for anything right now (and for the next year or two) seems like risky business for the welfare of your child and your own mental health.
If you looked online for the state insurance info, you may not have the whole story. Take a morning and go to the county offices and meet with a live social worker. I can't imagine that your baby will not have some access to health care in some program or other. (Well, I can, but things have gotten better in this regard lately.)
Take care.
Using his insurance when he is still on fragile ground and may be fired at any moment is, IMHO, not supporting your or your baby's best interest. We've chimed in about this before by offering advice, based on his addiction, that you create a life independent of his actions around drug use for some time to come. Relying on him for anything right now (and for the next year or two) seems like risky business for the welfare of your child and your own mental health.
If you looked online for the state insurance info, you may not have the whole story. Take a morning and go to the county offices and meet with a live social worker. I can't imagine that your baby will not have some access to health care in some program or other. (Well, I can, but things have gotten better in this regard lately.)
Take care.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
So we have a father here that is stepping up to take on responsibility for his childs healthcare. He has a plan in place, and way to meet this responsibility; yet instead of giving him kudos, many people think that he should not be allowed to accept this parental responsibility?
The mother and father are on good terms, the father even though using drugs has been a proven track record of being able to maintain his school / work responsibilities. Other than an attempt to separate him from his child; if this insurance is adequate - what would be the benefit of instead placing the child on state funded welfare at this point? Its not like it wouldn’t be an option down the road if necessary.
Wouldn’t this even be a form of enabling the father; sheltering him from the responsibilities of taking care of his childs basic needs? Doesn’t the father deserve the right and privilege to do this?
An in regards to Cobra insurance; I cannot say for certain that it is 102% of the amount that employer gets in their special group rate; or that is is 102% of the premium that is paid by the employee… but what I do know is that years ago, when I got laid off from a job I used it, and although costly; I accepted this because I felt it was my responsibility to maintain my own healthcare.
The mother and father are on good terms, the father even though using drugs has been a proven track record of being able to maintain his school / work responsibilities. Other than an attempt to separate him from his child; if this insurance is adequate - what would be the benefit of instead placing the child on state funded welfare at this point? Its not like it wouldn’t be an option down the road if necessary.
Wouldn’t this even be a form of enabling the father; sheltering him from the responsibilities of taking care of his childs basic needs? Doesn’t the father deserve the right and privilege to do this?
An in regards to Cobra insurance; I cannot say for certain that it is 102% of the amount that employer gets in their special group rate; or that is is 102% of the premium that is paid by the employee… but what I do know is that years ago, when I got laid off from a job I used it, and although costly; I accepted this because I felt it was my responsibility to maintain my own healthcare.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
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Originally Posted by allforcnm 
So we have a father here that is stepping up to take on responsibility for his childs healthcare. He has a plan in place, and way to meet this responsibility; yet instead of giving him kudos, many people think that he should not be allowed to accept this parental responsibility?
The mother and father are on good terms, the father even though using drugs has been a proven track record of being able to maintain his school / work responsibilities. Other than an attempt to separate him from his child; if this insurance is adequate - what would be the benefit of instead placing the child on state funded welfare at this point? Its not like it wouldn’t be an option down the road if necessary.
Wouldn’t this even be a form of enabling the father; sheltering him from the responsibilities of taking care of his childs basic needs? Doesn’t the father deserve the right and privilege to do this?
An in regards to Cobra insurance; I cannot say for certain that it is 102% of the amount that employer gets in their special group rate; or that is is 102% of the premium that is paid by the employee… but what I do know is that years ago, when I got laid off from a job I used it, and although costly; I accepted this because I felt it was my responsibility to maintain my own healthcare.
The mother and father are on good terms, the father even though using drugs has been a proven track record of being able to maintain his school / work responsibilities. Other than an attempt to separate him from his child; if this insurance is adequate - what would be the benefit of instead placing the child on state funded welfare at this point? Its not like it wouldn’t be an option down the road if necessary.
Wouldn’t this even be a form of enabling the father; sheltering him from the responsibilities of taking care of his childs basic needs? Doesn’t the father deserve the right and privilege to do this?
An in regards to Cobra insurance; I cannot say for certain that it is 102% of the amount that employer gets in their special group rate; or that is is 102% of the premium that is paid by the employee… but what I do know is that years ago, when I got laid off from a job I used it, and although costly; I accepted this because I felt it was my responsibility to maintain my own healthcare.
If he has covered the child, and then can't, it will be much more difficult than getting the baby covered from day 1 with a state sponsored program. If Kylie can get things set up on her own now, it will be much more certain for her and the baby.
My feelings would be different if they were married- as then Kylie would be legally informed of the COBRA options if he lost his job...but in the present situation, to rely on him to take care of something so essential is not the best choice.
I have two daughters, and this is the advice I'd give them if they found themselves in this situation...your mileage may vary.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
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In this case I have to agree with those who say see if you can get insurance outside the father my thinking on this, is in part due to age and then add in his new recovery if he is still recovered it is way to soon IMO to depend on him for anything this important .
Yes COBRA is at least in my state over 100 percent my step-mom had it not long ago.
The facts are he gave you his drug which he later admitted to using some of hopefully he is clean and will stay that way but your baby can't count on that for healthcare.
Yes COBRA is at least in my state over 100 percent my step-mom had it not long ago.
The facts are he gave you his drug which he later admitted to using some of hopefully he is clean and will stay that way but your baby can't count on that for healthcare.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
I believe in stacking the deck in favor of the health and well being of this baby, it has nothing to do with an attempt to separate the child from its father. The risks of depending on him are too substantial. He's a drug addict, and he's also going to try maintaining both a full-time job and a full-time student class load. Those are not good odds. If it were me having a baby under these circumstances I would want something a lot more dependable for my unborn child.
Addiction is progressive, past performance is not an indication of future success.
Originally Posted by allforcnm
the father even though using drugs has been a proven track record of being able to maintain his school / work responsibilities
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Thanks to everyone who has responded. I didn't mean to start an argument...sorry
I'm about 7 months pregnant now, 28 weeks. I didn't find out until I was nearly 2 months. Is there normally a waiting period for the government insurance too? I didn't think of eligibility waiting periods before...
Originally Posted by cynical one
It's 102% over what both the employer and employee pay. ie the employer pays $700 per month, the employee pays $300 per month= $1000 x 102%.
When kylie first posted the end of August she said she found out she was pregnant 4 months prior. If she was unsure of being pregnant for a month prior to that, she’s approximately 6 months pregnant now. If it's a normal 9 month pregnancy, the baby will arrive before the first of the year. So she has a narrow window of opportunity to get insured prior to the birth of the baby. For eligibility for private insurance, many times there is a 30-90 day waiting period. She can get on the Children’s Health Program prior to the birth just to ensure that she has coverage and then go off of it at a later date.
And we have a vey very young father here “saying” he is going to step up, and hopefully he will and everything will be rainbows and unicorns. But in reality, even he steps up this afternoon if there is a eligibility waiting period and the baby comes sooner than expected, the baby would have no insurance and that could be catastrophic for all involved.
When kylie first posted the end of August she said she found out she was pregnant 4 months prior. If she was unsure of being pregnant for a month prior to that, she’s approximately 6 months pregnant now. If it's a normal 9 month pregnancy, the baby will arrive before the first of the year. So she has a narrow window of opportunity to get insured prior to the birth of the baby. For eligibility for private insurance, many times there is a 30-90 day waiting period. She can get on the Children’s Health Program prior to the birth just to ensure that she has coverage and then go off of it at a later date.
And we have a vey very young father here “saying” he is going to step up, and hopefully he will and everything will be rainbows and unicorns. But in reality, even he steps up this afternoon if there is a eligibility waiting period and the baby comes sooner than expected, the baby would have no insurance and that could be catastrophic for all involved.
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Originally Posted by GardenMama
Glad to hear from you, Kyles. Since you are asking this question on SR, I am going to guess you'd like to hear how the health care decision relates to your relationship with your ABF...
Using his insurance when he is still on fragile ground and may be fired at any moment is, IMHO, not supporting your or your baby's best interest. We've chimed in about this before by offering advice, based on his addiction, that you create a life independent of his actions around drug use for some time to come. Relying on him for anything right now (and for the next year or two) seems like risky business for the welfare of your child and your own mental health.
If you looked online for the state insurance info, you may not have the whole story. Take a morning and go to the county offices and meet with a live social worker. I can't imagine that your baby will not have some access to health care in some program or other. (Well, I can, but things have gotten better in this regard lately.)
Take care.
Using his insurance when he is still on fragile ground and may be fired at any moment is, IMHO, not supporting your or your baby's best interest. We've chimed in about this before by offering advice, based on his addiction, that you create a life independent of his actions around drug use for some time to come. Relying on him for anything right now (and for the next year or two) seems like risky business for the welfare of your child and your own mental health.
If you looked online for the state insurance info, you may not have the whole story. Take a morning and go to the county offices and meet with a live social worker. I can't imagine that your baby will not have some access to health care in some program or other. (Well, I can, but things have gotten better in this regard lately.)
Take care.
I don't know how to create a life independent of him now that I'm having his child and he wants to be involved. Do you mean just the relying on him for anything important/needs part? 1-2 years is such a long time.
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Originally Posted by dollydo
I may have missed this or forgotten...how old is the father and where is at in the educational process?
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Kyles, all I was suggesting was that you take care of the baby's needs in the most reliable & secure way. I am NOT saying he shouldn't be involved in the baby's life if he is clean and sober! I have learned here on SR & elsewhere that it often takes a recovering addict 2-3 years clean for every year s/he used and that relapse is common--that's what I meant about time. My suggestion has to do with you not setting yourself up for the loss of anything you and the baby need: insurance, financial support, child care, etc. should he relapse or break his promises about care. That's all. Sorry I wasn't clear.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
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Hey girl. Good to see you here.
I'd start by calling your state department of health and services so you can get health insurance and food coupons and financial support for the baby. In Washington, we call it DSHS. I'm not sure what it's called in your state. A case worker will gladly help guide you through the process of applying for whatever programs you might qualify for. You might also call WIC. The nurses at that program are really nice and they will help provide you guidance as well as get you started on their program which will help with food if you are breast feeding (and/or formula if you decide to bottle feed).
You don't have to create a life independent of your boyfriend if you aren't ready to do that. But you DO need to be responsible and provide for your baby no matter what he does. And there are government and other resources that can help you do that. However, you have to pick up the phone and call them. Or go and apply online.
There are also non-profit organizations that can help you. For instance Catholic COmmunity Services can help guide you in getting whatever resources you need. And they DON'T shove religion down your throat. They are just committed to making sure that babies and young mothers have the help they need to get a successful start in life.
I'd start by calling your state department of health and services so you can get health insurance and food coupons and financial support for the baby. In Washington, we call it DSHS. I'm not sure what it's called in your state. A case worker will gladly help guide you through the process of applying for whatever programs you might qualify for. You might also call WIC. The nurses at that program are really nice and they will help provide you guidance as well as get you started on their program which will help with food if you are breast feeding (and/or formula if you decide to bottle feed).
You don't have to create a life independent of your boyfriend if you aren't ready to do that. But you DO need to be responsible and provide for your baby no matter what he does. And there are government and other resources that can help you do that. However, you have to pick up the phone and call them. Or go and apply online.
There are also non-profit organizations that can help you. For instance Catholic COmmunity Services can help guide you in getting whatever resources you need. And they DON'T shove religion down your throat. They are just committed to making sure that babies and young mothers have the help they need to get a successful start in life.
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hello-kitty, I will look into everything. I really only need to worry about the insurance right now. My parents are covering everything else. They would put the baby on our family's policy if it was allowed. My dad said if worse comes to worse we can get a private insurance policy if we need to. I don't want them to have to do that. They're already doing so much financially. I'll never stop feeling guilty about it, probably ever.
I'm no angel!
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The reason I asked is because some universities offer insurance for their students and children of the students. I do not know what the cost is.
I would also call your state, there are state funded insurance programs for low income families.
I would also call your state, there are state funded insurance programs for low income families.
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Originally Posted by dollydo
The reason I asked is because some universities offer insurance for their students and children of the students. I do not know what the cost is.
I would also call your state, there are state funded insurance programs for low income families.
I would also call your state, there are state funded insurance programs for low income families.
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Join Date: May 2012
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I think it's an important topic for discussion - and there are lots of components related to addiction here, so of course there are numerous opinions, but thats ok- we can all learn from one another. And most important, we all agree the care of the baby comes first.
I appreciate the insight shared on state / govt funded resources because I admit I would be as confused as you; I've no knowledge of any of them.
To be honest, if I was in your situation my parents would respond the same way as yours and first thought would be to buy private insurance for the baby if it didnt work out with the babys father covering him on his policy.
I will say that I am on my husbands insurance and so is our son. I'm very curious to look at our statements because I'm wondering if there is any part of the delivery / after care before he came home that wasn't covered under my plan; I don't think so. Don't think it started until the follow up visits. But I'm really curious for my own knowledge.
And I still hold firm that while it may be talk right now, I think signs point to your BF thinking and moving towards responsibility for his child, and I think that deserves a cautious positive acknowledgement.
My husband was reading baby books while in the second month of rehab; his idea. And now with 5 months clean; he is a solid dad. So I don't really buy into there being a cookie cutter approach saying a recovering addict isn't capable of parenting. It's a safe approach, but just not always true.
I also completely support your independence. Regardless of a relationship, I think women need to be able to support themselves and their kids.
With that said; I seriously doubt your parents have regrets helping you with all this. Your their daughter & this is their GRANDbaby.
My advice, just talk to them to ease your feelings.
My parents were amazing help when my son was born, all through husbands rehab, and even now. They adore their GRANDbaby.
Sending out big waves of support for you & the little one.
I appreciate the insight shared on state / govt funded resources because I admit I would be as confused as you; I've no knowledge of any of them.
To be honest, if I was in your situation my parents would respond the same way as yours and first thought would be to buy private insurance for the baby if it didnt work out with the babys father covering him on his policy.
I will say that I am on my husbands insurance and so is our son. I'm very curious to look at our statements because I'm wondering if there is any part of the delivery / after care before he came home that wasn't covered under my plan; I don't think so. Don't think it started until the follow up visits. But I'm really curious for my own knowledge.
And I still hold firm that while it may be talk right now, I think signs point to your BF thinking and moving towards responsibility for his child, and I think that deserves a cautious positive acknowledgement.
My husband was reading baby books while in the second month of rehab; his idea. And now with 5 months clean; he is a solid dad. So I don't really buy into there being a cookie cutter approach saying a recovering addict isn't capable of parenting. It's a safe approach, but just not always true.
I also completely support your independence. Regardless of a relationship, I think women need to be able to support themselves and their kids.
With that said; I seriously doubt your parents have regrets helping you with all this. Your their daughter & this is their GRANDbaby.
My advice, just talk to them to ease your feelings.
My parents were amazing help when my son was born, all through husbands rehab, and even now. They adore their GRANDbaby.
Sending out big waves of support for you & the little one.
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