In the ICU with my son - completely devastated
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 32
In the ICU with my son - completely devastated
Hello to this forum - my daughter linked me here about two weeks ago and I've been so happy to find you. I've devoured the "stickys" and they are so helpful to me! So many insights and scenarios similar to what I've been going through, well, all my life. I am a CoA, was married to an alcoholic and then my son became narcotic addicted (so what I'm saying is that my whole life has been affected by addiction of one kind or another).
The zenith of anguish occurred 2 nights ago when my 27 year old son, who has stuggled with addiction for at least the last 10 years, attempted suicide 2 nights ago. The details are horrific and maybe not appropriate for my first post. Anyway, I'm here with him in the ICU. By some MIRACLE, he may survive and maybe might even regain full cognitive function (we won't know until he's off the ventilator and sedation the full extent of the brain injury). But if he does come back to us, can anyone here please post a link or maybe some insights on how we should respond to him? We know he is going to be sad and he may express guilt and he might even be angry with us for saving him. We want to communicate love and understanding first and foremost.
Any help would be appreciated. The whole family (except the ex alcoholic father) is open to an intensive recovery effort for all members of the family. I went to my first al-anon meeting the Friday before this happened. Bawled my eyes out and was greatly ministered to just by the first step alone - "you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it". And now, just days later I'm confronted with the most searing pain a mother can imagine.
Sorry for the long & needy first post. I'm just so sad and desperate.
The zenith of anguish occurred 2 nights ago when my 27 year old son, who has stuggled with addiction for at least the last 10 years, attempted suicide 2 nights ago. The details are horrific and maybe not appropriate for my first post. Anyway, I'm here with him in the ICU. By some MIRACLE, he may survive and maybe might even regain full cognitive function (we won't know until he's off the ventilator and sedation the full extent of the brain injury). But if he does come back to us, can anyone here please post a link or maybe some insights on how we should respond to him? We know he is going to be sad and he may express guilt and he might even be angry with us for saving him. We want to communicate love and understanding first and foremost.
Any help would be appreciated. The whole family (except the ex alcoholic father) is open to an intensive recovery effort for all members of the family. I went to my first al-anon meeting the Friday before this happened. Bawled my eyes out and was greatly ministered to just by the first step alone - "you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it". And now, just days later I'm confronted with the most searing pain a mother can imagine.
Sorry for the long & needy first post. I'm just so sad and desperate.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 267
I am so sorry.
I am the daughter of an alcoholic. My father attempted suicide when I was a young adult. The EMTs brought him back, and he survived. After his time in the hospital, he went to a 28 day program, and then embraced AA and recovery.
You and your son will be in my prayers tonight. Hopefully he will get through this, and will realize that recovery is his only option.
I am the daughter of an alcoholic. My father attempted suicide when I was a young adult. The EMTs brought him back, and he survived. After his time in the hospital, he went to a 28 day program, and then embraced AA and recovery.
You and your son will be in my prayers tonight. Hopefully he will get through this, and will realize that recovery is his only option.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I am so sorry for what has brought you here, but glad you found us. I don't have personal experience in dealing with what you are, but am sending up lots of hugs and prayers for you and your son.
Amy
Amy
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Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: not sure
Posts: 452
I am so very sorry and can relate to your pain. It's not an easy journey. I pray your son fully recovers in every way. I am currently at the hospital with my son who has an infection in his bloodstream. Not easy. Glad you found this site. It has been a blessing. For me and know it will be for you, too.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
My prayers go out for your son also. I almost lost my son to overdoses more than once and attempted suicide must be even more difficult.
I am glad you joined us, there are many mamas here...we call ourselves the Posse of Mama's because we rally together when times get tough. So welcome to the Posse too.
I hope things get better for you and for your son in the next few days. How receptive he may be to long term rehab may depend on his state of health when he comes around, but I hope this will be a time when he wants to turn his life around.
Hugs
I am glad you joined us, there are many mamas here...we call ourselves the Posse of Mama's because we rally together when times get tough. So welcome to the Posse too.
I hope things get better for you and for your son in the next few days. How receptive he may be to long term rehab may depend on his state of health when he comes around, but I hope this will be a time when he wants to turn his life around.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
God bless your ill child and may angels be by his bedside with you.
Addiction is a disease of the brain and the effects it has on the brain chemistry are devastating and often result in severe major clinical depression which can lead to suicide. Drugs assault the normal brain chemistry, and your son--suffering with addictive disease which created loss of control over drugs--can be helped by a doctor who thoroughly understands the chemistry behind a major depressive breakdown and can explain it to your son. My son is not a drug addict, but in his 20's he suffered with major clinical depression for three years, and without medical help, I don't know if he would have been able to continue living. Major Depression is a brain disease which feels to the sufferer so overwhelmingly painful that life is simply unbearable and the sufferer views suicide as a way to escape the anguish and psychic pain. It is not weakness nor lack of character. It is a chemical disaster in the brain. But one which can be healed. Your son's addiction can be treated, his brain chemistry can be normalized. He can live a full life with medical and psychiatric help.
While you are waiting for his eventual transfer from ICU to a regular ward in the hospital, you can research the very best addiction specialists and psychiatrists in your area and be ready to offer your son all the medical treatment available. Take the long view with him, and approach his recuperation and recovery as a slow but steady healing of body and mind. You can ask NA members to come into the hospital and offer him their experience, strength and hope. You can yourself join a 12 step group for family members.
Your son's fate lies in the hands of a power greater than yourself, but you can offer him access to many angels here on earth who are available with their knowledge and insight.
This can be the turning point to a most beautiful new life for your son. I pray that it shall be so.
Addiction is a disease of the brain and the effects it has on the brain chemistry are devastating and often result in severe major clinical depression which can lead to suicide. Drugs assault the normal brain chemistry, and your son--suffering with addictive disease which created loss of control over drugs--can be helped by a doctor who thoroughly understands the chemistry behind a major depressive breakdown and can explain it to your son. My son is not a drug addict, but in his 20's he suffered with major clinical depression for three years, and without medical help, I don't know if he would have been able to continue living. Major Depression is a brain disease which feels to the sufferer so overwhelmingly painful that life is simply unbearable and the sufferer views suicide as a way to escape the anguish and psychic pain. It is not weakness nor lack of character. It is a chemical disaster in the brain. But one which can be healed. Your son's addiction can be treated, his brain chemistry can be normalized. He can live a full life with medical and psychiatric help.
While you are waiting for his eventual transfer from ICU to a regular ward in the hospital, you can research the very best addiction specialists and psychiatrists in your area and be ready to offer your son all the medical treatment available. Take the long view with him, and approach his recuperation and recovery as a slow but steady healing of body and mind. You can ask NA members to come into the hospital and offer him their experience, strength and hope. You can yourself join a 12 step group for family members.
Your son's fate lies in the hands of a power greater than yourself, but you can offer him access to many angels here on earth who are available with their knowledge and insight.
This can be the turning point to a most beautiful new life for your son. I pray that it shall be so.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tacoma WA
Posts: 109
Seventytimes7, my prayers are winging out to you and your son. As the mother of an AS, one of my darkest fears is that he will attempt suicide.
I believe with all my soul that God/a higher power holds addicts and their families in loving grace. It doesn't always feel like it, but I have found it to be true and very reassuring.
Addiction is so cruel. I don't believe our addicted love ones are the same human they were when they were small and innocent. Somehow this gives me comfort. It isn't a moral issue.
May this horrific nightmare be a turning point for healing for both of you.
with compassion,
peaceandgrace
I believe with all my soul that God/a higher power holds addicts and their families in loving grace. It doesn't always feel like it, but I have found it to be true and very reassuring.
Addiction is so cruel. I don't believe our addicted love ones are the same human they were when they were small and innocent. Somehow this gives me comfort. It isn't a moral issue.
May this horrific nightmare be a turning point for healing for both of you.
with compassion,
peaceandgrace
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Sorry for the long & needy first post. I'm just so sad and desperate.
EnglishGarden has a lot of good input for you in one of the posts above mine. What I want to share with you is my experience.
The addict who is no longer in my life had a suicide attempt about 18 months ago. Obviously, the devastation it brought upon me cannot compare to nearly losing a child. But the wave and intensity of all the emotions in the aftermath of my experience was overwhelming. And for you, I'm certain it's beyond devastating. You've just sustained a major, major blow, and in the hours, days, and weeks to come, you're going to be on an emotional rollercoaster from hell. My hope for you is you tend to those wounds. Al Anon is a great, great place to start, and you're right: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. If you liked the meeting you attended, I hope and encourage you to make it a part of your weekly routine. There are a lot of women such as yourself in Al Anon that have children who are struggling with addiction, and the strength and wisdom they've gained is nothing short of extraordinary. What's even better, though, is the warmth and caring they have for newcomers. Allow them to comfort you and give you strength during this period of time.
This is going to be a long haul for you and your family. It's going to be an even longer haul for your son, God Bless Him. My hope for him is that he recovers and, when the time is right, he begins work on healing himself, through therapy and through NA.
As I wrote earlier, you're going to be on an emotional rollercoaster from hell. There will be parts of your day when you're overwhelmed. When that happens, and you're safely home, please reach out to us. We're here for you, and we always will be.
Best,
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
Welcome to SR. So glad you have found the stickys and posts helpful.
I would encourage you to stick with the AlAnon meetings through this. My thoughts are with you for strength and serenity for what you are and will be dealing with.
I would encourage you to stick with the AlAnon meetings through this. My thoughts are with you for strength and serenity for what you are and will be dealing with.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Seventytimes7,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. My son OD'd several times, and I've always feared the next. I can't imagine waiting for the effects of a suicide attempt.
Perhaps in the meantime you could look for a reliable addiction/mental health specialist that could work with your son. What you describe is so far over the heads of us parents.
You love your son, and I have no doubt he knows that. You can support him best by getting help for yourself, and allowing him the chance to get his life back on track with help from those who know better than us. But you will find great strength here, and with Alanon/Naranon.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family
(((Hugs)))
I am so sorry for what you are going through. My son OD'd several times, and I've always feared the next. I can't imagine waiting for the effects of a suicide attempt.
Perhaps in the meantime you could look for a reliable addiction/mental health specialist that could work with your son. What you describe is so far over the heads of us parents.
You love your son, and I have no doubt he knows that. You can support him best by getting help for yourself, and allowing him the chance to get his life back on track with help from those who know better than us. But you will find great strength here, and with Alanon/Naranon.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family
(((Hugs)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 32
Thank you all for the outpouring of love and support. I wept when I was blanketed with all your compassion and prayers.
Thank you so much for welcoming me so tenderly.
This is the first forum I've posted in so I might get this reply in the wrong place.
Going to try to sleep for a bit.
Thank you so much for welcoming me so tenderly.
This is the first forum I've posted in so I might get this reply in the wrong place.
Going to try to sleep for a bit.
Still Standing
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
Seventytimes7,
I am so sorry for all that you are having to go through, but I'm very happy for you that your son survived the attempt. I'm so glad that you had started going to the meetings before this happened. I really hope that you will continue to go to meetings regularly. You'll get a very special kind of support & understanding there, that you won't be able to find anywhere else.
I hope that you are able to rest some this evening. I am sending you very ******{Caring Hugs}}}
I am so sorry for all that you are having to go through, but I'm very happy for you that your son survived the attempt. I'm so glad that you had started going to the meetings before this happened. I really hope that you will continue to go to meetings regularly. You'll get a very special kind of support & understanding there, that you won't be able to find anywhere else.
I hope that you are able to rest some this evening. I am sending you very ******{Caring Hugs}}}
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
You and your dear son will be in my prayers. This must be so very difficult. My AS has threatened suicide with such frequency that I've become quite numbed to it. I don't know what I would do if faced with the reality of it.
I hope that you continue to go to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings. They have been a life saver for me....dealing with the addiction of my son was simply too much for me to deal with alone. I have found great comfort in working the steps.
I'll pray that your son fully recovers....physically and spiritually.
gentle hugs
ke
I hope that you continue to go to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings. They have been a life saver for me....dealing with the addiction of my son was simply too much for me to deal with alone. I have found great comfort in working the steps.
I'll pray that your son fully recovers....physically and spiritually.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Hi seventyTimes7: I get your user name. I get that you have been motivated by the teaching to forgive to the nth degree. I too am motivated by that teaching.
I also have a 27 YO AS (addicted son). I have come to know that my forgiveness and my enabling became intertwined to the point of hurting my son. I have come to learn that I can forgive my son and yet not enable. I have learned that I am not outside of the teachings of our Higher Power (whom I choose to call God) when I say to my son that I love him but that his root problem is drugs and/or alcohol and that until he decides to find help and embrace recovery from that root problem that I have nothing for him. But if he decides to embrace recovery then I will help him in any way I can.
It is only here and in Alanon/Naranon meetings that I can be accepted with that approach. Everybody outside (including my AS as well as some family members) thinks I am pretty un-forgiving (as in, "What kind of a Christian would let her kid go hungry or homeless?).
I like to read addicts' stories of recovery. Most (not all) of those stories reinforce that our beloved addicts need pain - and lots of it - to be able to be positioned where his/her Higher Power can do the heart-work that is necessary to move them out of drugs/alcohol.
As for the situation with your son's suicide attempt, he is a very fortunate young man in that the majority of his family are helping themselves by going to meetings, educating themselves, being open to help from outside entities. Your answers will come - how could they not when the family is moving into the arenas where the answers reside! God is good!
Keep coming back....
I also have a 27 YO AS (addicted son). I have come to know that my forgiveness and my enabling became intertwined to the point of hurting my son. I have come to learn that I can forgive my son and yet not enable. I have learned that I am not outside of the teachings of our Higher Power (whom I choose to call God) when I say to my son that I love him but that his root problem is drugs and/or alcohol and that until he decides to find help and embrace recovery from that root problem that I have nothing for him. But if he decides to embrace recovery then I will help him in any way I can.
It is only here and in Alanon/Naranon meetings that I can be accepted with that approach. Everybody outside (including my AS as well as some family members) thinks I am pretty un-forgiving (as in, "What kind of a Christian would let her kid go hungry or homeless?).
I like to read addicts' stories of recovery. Most (not all) of those stories reinforce that our beloved addicts need pain - and lots of it - to be able to be positioned where his/her Higher Power can do the heart-work that is necessary to move them out of drugs/alcohol.
As for the situation with your son's suicide attempt, he is a very fortunate young man in that the majority of his family are helping themselves by going to meetings, educating themselves, being open to help from outside entities. Your answers will come - how could they not when the family is moving into the arenas where the answers reside! God is good!
Keep coming back....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Seventy times 7,
this link may be helpful for you : After a Suicide Attempt
keeping you and your family in my thoughts,
Lenina
this link may be helpful for you : After a Suicide Attempt
keeping you and your family in my thoughts,
Lenina
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 32
Originally Posted by sojourner 
I have come to know that my forgiveness and my enabling became intertwined to the point of hurting my son. I have come to learn that I can forgive my son and yet not enable. I have learned that I am not outside of the teachings of our Higher Power (whom I choose to call God) when I say to my son that I love him but that his root problem is drugs and/or alcohol and that until he decides to find help and embrace recovery from that root problem that I have nothing for him. But if he decides to embrace recovery then I will help him in any way I can.
It is only here and in Alanon/Naranon meetings that I can be accepted with that approach. Everybody outside (including my AS as well as some family members) thinks I am pretty un-forgiving (as in, "What kind of a Christian would let her kid go hungry or homeless?).
I like to read addicts' stories of recovery. Most (not all) of those stories reinforce that our beloved addicts need pain - and lots of it - to be able to be positioned where his/her Higher Power can do the heart-work that is necessary to move them out of drugs/alcohol.
As for the situation with your son's suicide attempt, he is a very fortunate young man in that the majority of his family are helping themselves by going to meetings, educating themselves, being open to help from outside entities. Your answers will come - how could they not when the family is moving into the arenas where the answers reside! God is good!
Keep coming back....
It is only here and in Alanon/Naranon meetings that I can be accepted with that approach. Everybody outside (including my AS as well as some family members) thinks I am pretty un-forgiving (as in, "What kind of a Christian would let her kid go hungry or homeless?).
I like to read addicts' stories of recovery. Most (not all) of those stories reinforce that our beloved addicts need pain - and lots of it - to be able to be positioned where his/her Higher Power can do the heart-work that is necessary to move them out of drugs/alcohol.
As for the situation with your son's suicide attempt, he is a very fortunate young man in that the majority of his family are helping themselves by going to meetings, educating themselves, being open to help from outside entities. Your answers will come - how could they not when the family is moving into the arenas where the answers reside! God is good!
Keep coming back....
Yes, finding the balance is incredibly difficult. In the meantime I stay hidden in the shadow of His wings. The night this happened I woke up anxious and prayed. This time (after going to Al-Anon) my prayer was different - it was a turning my son completely over to God. I had this amazing awareness of God's mighty strength and ability & willingness to take this burden from me. It made such an impression that I had a profound peace that lingered even into the next day. That evening, I got the call.
I have since strayed in an out of that peace, but I know it's where the healing is. That and the "community" so to speak of kindred souls, which I have found here and at Al-Anon. I'll be clinging pretty tightly. Thank you for the post, it really helped me.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
It was like that for me too, at the darkest time of my life I finally said the most important prayer I have ever said...the one that gave my son to God's care.
I too immediately felt my burden lifted and I have lived in faith ever since that God's will is so much mightier than mine.
Keeping you and your son both in my prayers.
Hugs
I too immediately felt my burden lifted and I have lived in faith ever since that God's will is so much mightier than mine.
Keeping you and your son both in my prayers.
Hugs
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