Advice Request: Dating an Addict in Recovery
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Location: Tucson, AZ
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Advice Request: Dating an Addict in Recovery
I've been dating a recovering meth addict/alcoholic for a month. He told me on our second date that he is in recovery and has not used or drunk for four-and-a-half years. In that time he completed his bachelor's degree and is currently working full time while applying to grad schools. He is active in AA and seems fully committed to his recovery. He's 31; I'm 28.
So far, apart from the basic fact of his drug/alcohol history, there have been no red flags. He treats me with respect and, as far as I know, he's been fully honest with me. It turns out we have a number of mutual friends, all of whom he knows since he began his recovery and all of whom speak highly of him. Assuming the respect and honesty continue, I want to pursue a relationship with him. I feel a real connection, and I respect that he has dealt (continues to deal) with his addiction constructively. We've agreed to take things slowly.
With that in mind, I have never dated anyone in recovery, and I would like some candid advice from people with experience. Anything you can recommend regarding: sensitivity to his experiences, supporting/not hindering his continued recovery, his risk of relapse, what to do in case of relapse, etc. Thanks!
So far, apart from the basic fact of his drug/alcohol history, there have been no red flags. He treats me with respect and, as far as I know, he's been fully honest with me. It turns out we have a number of mutual friends, all of whom he knows since he began his recovery and all of whom speak highly of him. Assuming the respect and honesty continue, I want to pursue a relationship with him. I feel a real connection, and I respect that he has dealt (continues to deal) with his addiction constructively. We've agreed to take things slowly.
With that in mind, I have never dated anyone in recovery, and I would like some candid advice from people with experience. Anything you can recommend regarding: sensitivity to his experiences, supporting/not hindering his continued recovery, his risk of relapse, what to do in case of relapse, etc. Thanks!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
my last bf was a meth addict and when i met him he hadnt had any in 2 years. during his 15 years of drug abuse/addiction he graduated from Uni with a Degree in Chemistry where he got a Distinction. this was one highly functioning addict ( he was using pot while at uni). our relationship lasted 7 months. when i met him he hadnt drunk in a year (didnt know that alcohol was an issue for him, just drugs and he still took acid a few times a year) but as i am a social drinker he started to drink. that became more and more until it became obvious to me that he had a problem. he still had active addict friends, dealers, and people he enjoyed drinking and taking acid with. he obviously didnt work a program when he quit and was very much in denial that he even had a problem.
we broke up because of his drinking and drugs, and so he promised to quit, as i was much more important to him that any of that. 2 weeks later he went out with one of his mates he likes to party with and drank. i saw him the next day and he had gone back to having social drinks with dinner. when i questioned him about this after his mate had gone he told me he didnt want to beat himself up over it, and that he would just see what happened. the next day i wrote him a letter and left. we have never spoken again.
this is the story of someone who isnt working a program, who hasnt dealt with the issues of his addictions, and is still in denial about how big his problem is. from the info you have given, it sounds like your guy is open about his issues (mine really didnt want to talk to much about his addiction days) his recovery, and is active in wanting to keep his life clean. others will have more insight, but as long as you keep the communication lines and your eyes open, listen to your instincts, dont brush under the carpet any of your concerns, and look after yourself, i dont see why dating an ex addict couldnt work.
others in here might have some other info, or insight to share with you. hope it works out.
we broke up because of his drinking and drugs, and so he promised to quit, as i was much more important to him that any of that. 2 weeks later he went out with one of his mates he likes to party with and drank. i saw him the next day and he had gone back to having social drinks with dinner. when i questioned him about this after his mate had gone he told me he didnt want to beat himself up over it, and that he would just see what happened. the next day i wrote him a letter and left. we have never spoken again.
this is the story of someone who isnt working a program, who hasnt dealt with the issues of his addictions, and is still in denial about how big his problem is. from the info you have given, it sounds like your guy is open about his issues (mine really didnt want to talk to much about his addiction days) his recovery, and is active in wanting to keep his life clean. others will have more insight, but as long as you keep the communication lines and your eyes open, listen to your instincts, dont brush under the carpet any of your concerns, and look after yourself, i dont see why dating an ex addict couldnt work.
others in here might have some other info, or insight to share with you. hope it works out.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Quebec
Posts: 38
I dated a recovered meth/alcohol addict who never showed any signs of relapsing. He did, however, have very slim coping skills and managed his emotions like a teenager. When someone has resorted to dealing with their problems via drugs and alcohol for years, they aren't always the best at coping with issues as they come up. My ex had severely low self esteem, couldn't handle the fact that i had been with other men before him, and was generally an anxious mess. He wasn't working any programs and wasn't in therapy. I think sometimes, the more difficult part is coping with the issues that the drugs/alcohol were masking. Everyone is different, i'm sure but those were some of the things I encountered. I wish you well!
Let go and Let God!
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 352
thesweetone, I have been clean and sober for over 9 years and I still say I am in recovery. All we have is a daily reprive based upon our spiritual condition.
wcjaz, I am a recovering addict dating a recovering addict. We both know that our recovery comes before anything. I also read codependent no more, I strongly recommend that book.
Titanic is correct that you can only change you. You can't change or control what your bf does. You say he is active in AA that is wonderful. You can sit there and wonder the whatifs or you can take it one day at a time.
wcjaz, I am a recovering addict dating a recovering addict. We both know that our recovery comes before anything. I also read codependent no more, I strongly recommend that book.
Titanic is correct that you can only change you. You can't change or control what your bf does. You say he is active in AA that is wonderful. You can sit there and wonder the whatifs or you can take it one day at a time.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
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Recovering means one lousy decision away from addiction. While the same could be said about anyone, there is a substantially higher risk that someone in recovery will relapse than someone who has never used drugs. The more in recovery time, the greater the liklihood of remaining in recovery.
Does he abstain from all mood altering substances, now?
You need not do anything to support his recovery. That's what AA is all about.
Do you know anything about Meth addiction? Police Departments increasingly have special protocols for handling Meth Addicts because they are substantially prone to spontaneous violence.
Relapse is a part of addiction, not recovery. "I will not engage in relationships with anyone in active addiction" is a boundary that will protect the boundary setter from the chaos and misery of addiction fallout. A boundary is only as good as the setter's willingness to enforce it and remove themselves from the situation. It does not seek to interfere with nor control another person who lives life as they see fit to do.
Taking it real slow and watching for red flags is good advise in any new relationship.
Does he abstain from all mood altering substances, now?
You need not do anything to support his recovery. That's what AA is all about.
Do you know anything about Meth addiction? Police Departments increasingly have special protocols for handling Meth Addicts because they are substantially prone to spontaneous violence.
Relapse is a part of addiction, not recovery. "I will not engage in relationships with anyone in active addiction" is a boundary that will protect the boundary setter from the chaos and misery of addiction fallout. A boundary is only as good as the setter's willingness to enforce it and remove themselves from the situation. It does not seek to interfere with nor control another person who lives life as they see fit to do.
Taking it real slow and watching for red flags is good advise in any new relationship.
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Location: Tucson, AZ
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Originally Posted by thesweetone 
He's still recovering after 4.5 years?
Last edited by wcjaz; 09-11-2012 at 08:31 AM. Reason: Follow-up based on more posts read.
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Originally Posted by outtolunch
Does he abstain from all mood altering substances, now?
Originally Posted by outtolunch
Do you know anything about Meth addiction?
Thanks, everyone, for your helpful posts so far!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
Originally Posted by wcjaz
That's probably bad communication on my part based on my lack of familiarity with terminology and/or addiction itself. I used "recovering" because recovery seems like a lifelong process. But maybe the term "recovered" is more appropriate? (Or perhaps not based on others' comments.)
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Location: Seattle, WA
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No one can predict what the likelihood of a relaspe is for him. You can never be sure he will never pick up drugs again. Current lifestyle can tell you a lot, but still you never know.
Do you know what boundaries are? Boundaries are "I statements" and they are about the kind of behavior you will and will not accept in your life. Boundaries have consequences.
If you have good strong firm personal boundaries in a relationship, then his recovery shouldn't come into play (unless you have a boundary that states "I will not date addicts, whether they are in recovery or not").
I suggest you write down your boundaries, and consequences for violating them so that you keep them fresh in your mind and then you will not forget what you want out of a relationship - just in case you are ever faced with a relapse or the dishonest, manipulative, disorienting behavior that accompanies one..
Don't make them about him. Make them about you and what you value in a relationship.
Do you know what boundaries are? Boundaries are "I statements" and they are about the kind of behavior you will and will not accept in your life. Boundaries have consequences.
If you have good strong firm personal boundaries in a relationship, then his recovery shouldn't come into play (unless you have a boundary that states "I will not date addicts, whether they are in recovery or not").
I suggest you write down your boundaries, and consequences for violating them so that you keep them fresh in your mind and then you will not forget what you want out of a relationship - just in case you are ever faced with a relapse or the dishonest, manipulative, disorienting behavior that accompanies one..
Don't make them about him. Make them about you and what you value in a relationship.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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Originally Posted by wcjaz
I've been dating a recovering meth addict/alcoholic for a month. He told me on our second date that he is in recovery and has not used or drunk for four-and-a-half years. In that time he completed his bachelor's degree and is currently working full time while applying to grad schools. He is active in AA and seems fully committed to his recovery. He's 31; I'm 28.
So far, apart from the basic fact of his drug/alcohol history, there have been no red flags. He treats me with respect and, as far as I know, he's been fully honest with me. It turns out we have a number of mutual friends, all of whom he knows since he began his recovery and all of whom speak highly of him. Assuming the respect and honesty continue, I want to pursue a relationship with him. I feel a real connection, and I respect that he has dealt (continues to deal) with his addiction constructively. We've agreed to take things slowly.
With that in mind, I have never dated anyone in recovery, and I would like some candid advice from people with experience. Anything you can recommend regarding: sensitivity to his experiences, supporting/not hindering his continued recovery, his risk of relapse, what to do in case of relapse, etc. Thanks!
So far, apart from the basic fact of his drug/alcohol history, there have been no red flags. He treats me with respect and, as far as I know, he's been fully honest with me. It turns out we have a number of mutual friends, all of whom he knows since he began his recovery and all of whom speak highly of him. Assuming the respect and honesty continue, I want to pursue a relationship with him. I feel a real connection, and I respect that he has dealt (continues to deal) with his addiction constructively. We've agreed to take things slowly.
With that in mind, I have never dated anyone in recovery, and I would like some candid advice from people with experience. Anything you can recommend regarding: sensitivity to his experiences, supporting/not hindering his continued recovery, his risk of relapse, what to do in case of relapse, etc. Thanks!
This is a tough question to answer because it really depends on the individual. My experience dating an addict new to recovery was, frankly, a nightmare. But she didn't have the clean time the guy you're dating claims to have. I say "claim" because too often an addict will claim to be not using when, in fact, they are.
The only thing I can tell you is do not judge him by his words. Judge him by his actions. And if his actions set off any alarms, then get out of there.
Best,
ZoSo
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Posts: 1,691
hi and welcome. I think that someone you can do for you is to learn what recovery is and looks like. I would not want to have a relationship with a recovering addict unless they were working a really strong recovery program. It sounds like your friend is on the right track.
I would recommend the programs of Alanon and/or Naranon for anyone that is dealing with a person in recovery. It is a program for us- that allows us to keep the focus on us.
With addiction - especially one as serious as meth .... a daily reprieve is all that you will ever have. My ex husband was a crack addict and was sober for 6 years. He has relapsed but he also stopped working a recovery program. All I am trying to say is that there are no guarantees. That's true in life in general...but it just depends upon what sort of risks you are willing to take.
I knew about my husband's issues and I still became involved with him. I realized that I had to work doubly hard on taking care of me. Even with all of my awareness and knowledge I still got swept away. A lot of people that love addicts in recovery struggle over the fact that there recovery will always need to come first. That means that you will always be at least 2nd in line.
No one can predict the future....I do know that in AA/NA they say that only 10% of their members will end up "dying sober"....meaning how likely relapse is. There are people that have long term sobriety/recovery but they really understand that it is truly a daily reprieve.
The best way to support someone elses recovery is to work a strong recovery program of your own.
This is a wonderful forum - I hope that you will stick around!
I would recommend the programs of Alanon and/or Naranon for anyone that is dealing with a person in recovery. It is a program for us- that allows us to keep the focus on us.
With addiction - especially one as serious as meth .... a daily reprieve is all that you will ever have. My ex husband was a crack addict and was sober for 6 years. He has relapsed but he also stopped working a recovery program. All I am trying to say is that there are no guarantees. That's true in life in general...but it just depends upon what sort of risks you are willing to take.
I knew about my husband's issues and I still became involved with him. I realized that I had to work doubly hard on taking care of me. Even with all of my awareness and knowledge I still got swept away. A lot of people that love addicts in recovery struggle over the fact that there recovery will always need to come first. That means that you will always be at least 2nd in line.
No one can predict the future....I do know that in AA/NA they say that only 10% of their members will end up "dying sober"....meaning how likely relapse is. There are people that have long term sobriety/recovery but they really understand that it is truly a daily reprieve.
The best way to support someone elses recovery is to work a strong recovery program of your own.
This is a wonderful forum - I hope that you will stick around!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Enfield, IL
Posts: 45
Well my BF has been clean from Meth for over 10 years now. He is a loving kind gentle man ...although I am sure when he was using he wasn't so much. However my last boyfriend was clean when I met him but in 3 years later relapsed and after only 8 month passed away. Why did I take a chance again...I don't know except that I am not perfect and I have a past granted I am not an addict but I love him for the man he is today and his past made him who he is.
BeenThere
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by thesweetone
He's still recovering after 4.5 years?
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 4
Thanks, everyone, for sharing your experiences and insight. Given your responses and some of the Internet research I've done, I plan to move forward in the relationship as long as he continues to be active in recovery. I feel a strong connection and, observing how he presently lives his life (without regard to his past), I can say that he's somebody I want in mine.
Forewarned is forearmed, as the saying goes, and I think you've given me some of the basic tools I'll need in order to recognize a bad situation if one arises and to move on if the circumstances call for it.
Over time I've developed some generalized relationship boundaries but have never thought to write them down before. I'm doing that this evening. Also, I appreciate the recommendation about attending Al-Anon/Nar-Anon meetings. I see that there are several in my area. I think I'll express my intentions to RBF beforehand--just so we're both on the same page--and attend later this month.
Again,
all for your responses!
Forewarned is forearmed, as the saying goes, and I think you've given me some of the basic tools I'll need in order to recognize a bad situation if one arises and to move on if the circumstances call for it.
Over time I've developed some generalized relationship boundaries but have never thought to write them down before. I'm doing that this evening. Also, I appreciate the recommendation about attending Al-Anon/Nar-Anon meetings. I see that there are several in my area. I think I'll express my intentions to RBF beforehand--just so we're both on the same page--and attend later this month.
Again,
all for your responses!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
You are one of the few posters here I've seen that has a recovering addict doing all the right things. It is refreshing to read what we here so often post about a truly recovering addict doing! My advice would to be wary but hopeful. Your boyfriend seems to be on the right track. I hope all goes well for the two of you and you will have a lifetime of happiness!
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