What to expect after a year clean?
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What to expect after a year clean?
My RAH has been clean for 1 year now. We celebrated our 6 yr wedding anniversary yesterday. I found out he was addicted to pain pills almost 3 years ago. He had been using for over 10 years. I thought he was just using occasionally and never thought he was addicted. I was very naive when it came to drugs and alcohol.
Once I found out he was addicted to roxy’s it then took him about 6 months to get clean. He was then a dry addict for about a year, relapsed for about a month and a half, then started working NA and the 12 steps. It was a long road as it seems it always is for addicts. During the year he was a dry addict I had an affair which just put our already nightmare of a life into a tale spin!
So we both made a decision to take responsibility and try and clean up our sides of the street. I stopped my affair, started working on my codependency, he stopped the drugs and started working the 12 steps. We spent a lot of time the last year working on ourselves and trying to focus on raising our 3 year old son. We have been through the darkest days of our lives over the last few years. I thought we honestly would be further along in our marriage recovery than we are right now. There is still a lot of trust, resentment and anger issues.
I was like many that thought when he stopped using drugs than everything would be fine. That is so far from the truth!!!! Our lives are still dealing with the residue of drugs and codependency!
My RAH attends 1 NA meeting a week and is working on step 2 right now. I have also been working my program, reading beyond codependency and seeing a counselor.
I still feel stuck though! I feel like I am stuck not trusting. It seems that he doesn’t understand why I just don’t forgive and forget!
This weekend we talked a lot about this. I was asking him questions about when he was using. Trying to get insight and maybe understand more about where he was at that time. He would answer my questions but not elaborate. He answered them very short. Kinda made me feel like he didn’t want to talk about it. So after receiving many short answers. I said to him that it is very hard for me to ask him about “those days” because it brings up bad memories for me and so when I do bring them up I need him to give me the details so that I can try and understand, I need him to validate my feelings and reassure me that he is not going to be that person anymore. This is what we have worked on in counseling also.
So I went out onto a limb yesterday when I was feeling afraid and asked him for these things. (when really I just wanted to avoid conflict) So he said he’s sorry and that he feels anxiety when I ask him questions about his use. He said he is sorry but that he is working his program and he doesn’t feel that it is productive to talk about it.
When he says that . . . I feel like he is unsure about his recovery. That he is not confident that he won’t use again. That he is still very much just taking it one day at a time so therefore it is hard for him to talk to me about it. This makes me feel scared bc I feel that if he was confident in his recovery and had insight than he would share it with me.
Is it too soon still for me to be looking for this? Am I over stepping my boundaries by asking for this? Does this sound controlling?
I feel that this is what I need to move forward. I feel that these are the “actions” I need. To see a recovered person who is confident in their recovery.
I need some outside views please!!
Once I found out he was addicted to roxy’s it then took him about 6 months to get clean. He was then a dry addict for about a year, relapsed for about a month and a half, then started working NA and the 12 steps. It was a long road as it seems it always is for addicts. During the year he was a dry addict I had an affair which just put our already nightmare of a life into a tale spin!
So we both made a decision to take responsibility and try and clean up our sides of the street. I stopped my affair, started working on my codependency, he stopped the drugs and started working the 12 steps. We spent a lot of time the last year working on ourselves and trying to focus on raising our 3 year old son. We have been through the darkest days of our lives over the last few years. I thought we honestly would be further along in our marriage recovery than we are right now. There is still a lot of trust, resentment and anger issues.
I was like many that thought when he stopped using drugs than everything would be fine. That is so far from the truth!!!! Our lives are still dealing with the residue of drugs and codependency!
My RAH attends 1 NA meeting a week and is working on step 2 right now. I have also been working my program, reading beyond codependency and seeing a counselor.
I still feel stuck though! I feel like I am stuck not trusting. It seems that he doesn’t understand why I just don’t forgive and forget!
This weekend we talked a lot about this. I was asking him questions about when he was using. Trying to get insight and maybe understand more about where he was at that time. He would answer my questions but not elaborate. He answered them very short. Kinda made me feel like he didn’t want to talk about it. So after receiving many short answers. I said to him that it is very hard for me to ask him about “those days” because it brings up bad memories for me and so when I do bring them up I need him to give me the details so that I can try and understand, I need him to validate my feelings and reassure me that he is not going to be that person anymore. This is what we have worked on in counseling also.
So I went out onto a limb yesterday when I was feeling afraid and asked him for these things. (when really I just wanted to avoid conflict) So he said he’s sorry and that he feels anxiety when I ask him questions about his use. He said he is sorry but that he is working his program and he doesn’t feel that it is productive to talk about it.
When he says that . . . I feel like he is unsure about his recovery. That he is not confident that he won’t use again. That he is still very much just taking it one day at a time so therefore it is hard for him to talk to me about it. This makes me feel scared bc I feel that if he was confident in his recovery and had insight than he would share it with me.
Is it too soon still for me to be looking for this? Am I over stepping my boundaries by asking for this? Does this sound controlling?
I feel that this is what I need to move forward. I feel that these are the “actions” I need. To see a recovered person who is confident in their recovery.
I need some outside views please!!
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
Originally Posted by learningtofly 
Am I over stepping my boundaries by asking for this? Does this sound controlling?
I feel that this is what I need to move forward. I feel that these are the “actions” I need. To see a recovered person who is confident in their recovery.
I need some outside views please!!
I feel that this is what I need to move forward. I feel that these are the “actions” I need. To see a recovered person who is confident in their recovery.
I need some outside views please!!
I see all about him and his action and forgiving.. I see little about your side of the street(codie, AFFAIR). One day at a time is not a bad thing. We are not promised Tomorrow.
Might be a good idea NOT to ask him for something he isn't capable of giving. Better chance of him getting better if you are. By harping you are contributing to the problem you are trying to avoid.
AG
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 127
Originally Posted by AlwaysGrowing
Controlling YES!
I see all about him and his action and forgiving.. I see little about your side of the street(codie, AFFAIR). One day at a time is not a bad thing. We are not promised Tomorrow.
Might be a good idea NOT to ask him for something he isn't capable of giving. Better chance of him getting better if you are. By harping you are contributing to the problem you are trying to avoid.
AG
I see all about him and his action and forgiving.. I see little about your side of the street(codie, AFFAIR). One day at a time is not a bad thing. We are not promised Tomorrow.
Might be a good idea NOT to ask him for something he isn't capable of giving. Better chance of him getting better if you are. By harping you are contributing to the problem you are trying to avoid.
AG
You have been clean for a very long time! When you became confident in your recovery were you open to sharing with people in your life? Did you feel that it was helpful to explore your past?
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Originally Posted by learningtofly
In marriage many times we have to stretch ourselves and comprimise. Do you feel that for me to ask him to share about using drugs in our home while being married to me is being controlling?
You have been clean for a very long time! When you became confident in your recovery were you open to sharing with people in your life? Did you feel that it was helpful to explore your past?
You have been clean for a very long time! When you became confident in your recovery were you open to sharing with people in your life? Did you feel that it was helpful to explore your past?
I would suggest Alanon in helping answer and/or have peace with yourself. He may be ashamed and often we men aren't talkers... It was just another drunk night, it was just this or that. Nothing WE think is relevant so it might not register. Sure, there will be things he may not want to talk about YET or it may not ever be talked about.
I know you were asking about MY recovery... Thing is,, I believe what I say would be 'used' and finger pointed not at yourself but at him. We are all different. We all have similarities for sure but different people. So I would answer to a fellow person in addiction as they are looking for self validation as they aren't alone, but not for the purpose of holding someone else accountable BY their spouse.
Keeping to our own streets isn't easy, but if we don't then will we not end up in the ditch?
AG
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by learningtofly
Do you feel that for me to ask him to share about using drugs in our home while being married to me is being controlling?
It's one day at a time, every day, forever, for many who are in recovery.
Living with someone in recovery, especially early recovery is a choice and , implies increased uncertainties. It's either acceptable to you or not. If not, maybe consider removing yourself from the situation.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
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I love the saying "share the message, not the mess"
often times, even among fellow addicts, it is not necessarily a good thing to go back and "reminisce" about the bad old days. as a recovering alcoholic I can laugh about my shenanigans and the holy hello that I managed to live through, but that laughter is kind of reserved as a way to let new comers know that recovery is joyful, that our sins(often sins against ourselves!) find forgiveness, and that we empathize with the awful places they have been.
ruminating over the past, especially when one is somewhat new (he is only a year in a program and he is only on step two...so he is still quite new!) can even be a trigger. the brain does not know the difference between seeing sugar and imagining sugar...
that is why fast food commercials are so dangerous for those on a diet
there is some reason you want to dig up on his dirt, instead of working on letting it go
maybe his dirt, maybe his faults, make you feel better about your own...
maybe holding blame...which, really, going back and re-haunting the pain he "caused" is reinstating blame...is a power play, or maybe you "need" more of his begging for forgiveness
dig deep on your own motives
live and be in the present, move forward in healing and recovery and spiritual consciousness...ask yourself why you want him to revisit his darkest days
breathe
often times, even among fellow addicts, it is not necessarily a good thing to go back and "reminisce" about the bad old days. as a recovering alcoholic I can laugh about my shenanigans and the holy hello that I managed to live through, but that laughter is kind of reserved as a way to let new comers know that recovery is joyful, that our sins(often sins against ourselves!) find forgiveness, and that we empathize with the awful places they have been.
ruminating over the past, especially when one is somewhat new (he is only a year in a program and he is only on step two...so he is still quite new!) can even be a trigger. the brain does not know the difference between seeing sugar and imagining sugar...
that is why fast food commercials are so dangerous for those on a diet
there is some reason you want to dig up on his dirt, instead of working on letting it go
maybe his dirt, maybe his faults, make you feel better about your own...
maybe holding blame...which, really, going back and re-haunting the pain he "caused" is reinstating blame...is a power play, or maybe you "need" more of his begging for forgiveness
dig deep on your own motives
live and be in the present, move forward in healing and recovery and spiritual consciousness...ask yourself why you want him to revisit his darkest days
breathe
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by lesliej
I love the saying "share the message, not the mess"
At this point in time I am grateful for how much I don't and will never know about my daughter's addiction and trust she feels the same about knowing where my own codependency landed me.
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Thank you all for your responses!
AG you brought up a good point . .Does it matter?
Leslie you asked what are my motives . . .why do I want to bring up the past. . . what am I looking for?
He has grown in many ways but I still seem to be looking for someone else to appear. I think I'm waiting for this "different" person to imerge.
Hhhmmmm I need to toss these questions around some more!
I am the type of person that has to dissect EVERYTHING . . know the who, why, when and where of everything and I can't seem to rest until I do. It is really hard to be this kind of person when dealing with addiction!
AG you brought up a good point . .Does it matter?
Leslie you asked what are my motives . . .why do I want to bring up the past. . . what am I looking for?
He has grown in many ways but I still seem to be looking for someone else to appear. I think I'm waiting for this "different" person to imerge.
Hhhmmmm I need to toss these questions around some more!
I am the type of person that has to dissect EVERYTHING . . know the who, why, when and where of everything and I can't seem to rest until I do. It is really hard to be this kind of person when dealing with addiction!
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In a marriage/relationship we want to be close to our partners. We want to KNOW THEM! We want to know their thoughts, feelings, up, downs, we want to know childhood stories, the relationship with their parents, how their day is, whats going on with their work, we want to know how they are! So how is it different in addiction? I want to know my husband! I want to know the good, bad and ugly.
Am I wrong for wanting to know? Is it ok to hide parts of ourselves?
Am I wrong for wanting to know? Is it ok to hide parts of ourselves?
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I never ask my husband (who is only a little over 90 days clean and is only on step 2) the whats, the wheres, and the hows. I am not even sure what made him finally hit bottom and get help. I know more then I need to know. I even cringe when he tells me things. Its best for me not to get in the mind of an addict or their thinking while they were active. I will never understand it anyway!
Some people ask me how I can forgive him? I think it's a process. I am living ONE DAY AT A TIME and for the most part I like it that way. I do get stressed about our financial future/security at times but worrying helps nothing. It just keeps me thinking in a very unhealthy way. I have faith that God will always provide what I need, maybe not all that I want..but what I need.
I do have a back up plan in the event of a relapse. It gives me "peace of mind." I will not ever live with some one in active addiction again.
Some people ask me how I can forgive him? I think it's a process. I am living ONE DAY AT A TIME and for the most part I like it that way. I do get stressed about our financial future/security at times but worrying helps nothing. It just keeps me thinking in a very unhealthy way. I have faith that God will always provide what I need, maybe not all that I want..but what I need.
I do have a back up plan in the event of a relapse. It gives me "peace of mind." I will not ever live with some one in active addiction again.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by learningtofly
In a marriage/relationship we want to be close to our partners. We want to KNOW THEM! We want to know their thoughts, feelings, up, downs, we want to know childhood stories, the relationship with their parents, how their day is, whats going on with their work, we want to know how they are! So how is it different in addiction? I want to know my husband! I want to know the good, bad and ugly.
Am I wrong for wanting to know? Is it ok to hide parts of ourselves?
Am I wrong for wanting to know? Is it ok to hide parts of ourselves?
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Join Date: Jan 2010
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Originally Posted by outtolunch
Living with someone in recovery, especially early recovery is a choice and , implies increased uncertainties. It's either acceptable to you or not. If not, maybe consider removing yourself from the situation.
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Originally Posted by LoveMeNot
Do you really want to share all the details about your affair? It's really none of his business and would only hurt him. Does that make sense?
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(((LTF))) - I'm both a recovering codie as well as an RA. I can only share my ES&H. I KNEW my family didn't trust me. I was living with them, and if they didn't know where I was, when I'd be home, answer the phone or call back within a short amount of time...it set them off. I know this sounds crazy, but I'm grateful to be a recovering codie because I understood it. Didn't LIKE it, but I understood it.
When my dad would ask me "do you still think about using" it would tick me off. My answer was usually "actually, hadn't thought about it until you brought it up, but not lately". It took a lot of time and me being accountable for the trust to build back. I honestly don't think I would have been comfortable answering questions about my past in the first year.
That is NOT to say you are wrong for asking, I'm just saying I did the same thing..answered with short answers and wanted to get as far away from the conversation as I could, as FAST as I could.
I've been in recovery for almost 5-1/2 years. I don't know when it was that I started sharing my past. I told my dad/stepmom the nitty-gritty details. My dad threw those details in my face for a while until I was strong enough to say "that is who I was, I am no longer that person". I could say that because my ACTIONS matched my words.
I am NOT saying you don't have the right to know, or that you are wrong for asking. Every RA is different, I'm just sharing my experience. Being on both sides of the addiction fence, I'm probably more in tune with the codies, but since I began recovery for both codie-ness and addiction at the same time, I could appreciate dad's side, it took time for me to open up.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
When my dad would ask me "do you still think about using" it would tick me off. My answer was usually "actually, hadn't thought about it until you brought it up, but not lately". It took a lot of time and me being accountable for the trust to build back. I honestly don't think I would have been comfortable answering questions about my past in the first year.
That is NOT to say you are wrong for asking, I'm just saying I did the same thing..answered with short answers and wanted to get as far away from the conversation as I could, as FAST as I could.
I've been in recovery for almost 5-1/2 years. I don't know when it was that I started sharing my past. I told my dad/stepmom the nitty-gritty details. My dad threw those details in my face for a while until I was strong enough to say "that is who I was, I am no longer that person". I could say that because my ACTIONS matched my words.
I am NOT saying you don't have the right to know, or that you are wrong for asking. Every RA is different, I'm just sharing my experience. Being on both sides of the addiction fence, I'm probably more in tune with the codies, but since I began recovery for both codie-ness and addiction at the same time, I could appreciate dad's side, it took time for me to open up.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
A very wise RA poster told me NOT to ask. Leave his recovery to him. Focus on my own. I listened!!
When he comes home from his meetings, I always ask "how was your meeting," but it's more out of being polite. I really don't like hearing about it.
Are you having anxieties about whether he is really working his recovery?
When he comes home from his meetings, I always ask "how was your meeting," but it's more out of being polite. I really don't like hearing about it.
Are you having anxieties about whether he is really working his recovery?
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