All over the place!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: North West, England
Posts: 500
All over the place!
I've been kind of AWOL lately. I've been reading here a lot but haven't had the words to post much, and when I have posted its been short and snappy looking although I didn't intend that.
I started with a new counsellor, she's amazing and well worth the 6 months I waited! I'm trying to be very honest and not hide anything- I've got an issue where I really want her to 'like' me and I struggle telling her 'bad stuff' in case she thinks I'm awful, horrible etc. I know that's ridiculous, I'm trying to work through it though. I'm finding though that I'm struggling a lot with anxiety and panic attacks and nightmares- almost as if the 'boxes' I'm disturbing are taking on a life of their own, which is scary. If anyone's got any tips for dealing with this that would be gratefully received!
My other issue.. For a couple of weeks I was hearing on the grapevine that threats were being made on my life by a drug dealer. Then it switched to other people's lives unless they told him where I am. Noone knows where I live except my mum, brother, sister and my sponsor. Literally no one else has been to my house or knows my address, so although I was scared I was ok.
Then yesterday I went into the city with my daughter to buy a birthday gift. As I came out of the train station and waited to cross the road I see the drug dealer and pray to God he hasn't seen us. He had. He came over, stopped me in the middle of the street as I was crossing and ranted and raved literally 4-5 inches from my face. He's apparently looking for my ex, he's going to burn his sister's car out, he's going to burn her workplace down etc.. He spat in my face and told me if he sees me somewhere quiet he's going to kill me. I seriously think the only thing that saved me from a beating yesterday was that I was surrounded by people on a very busy shopping street on a Saturday afternoon.
I put my best brave face on and walked away as soon as it was safe to do so. He didn't see how much he scared me but OMG. I could hear people saying 'imagine speaking to a girl like that when she's out with her baby' and I just wanted to curl up and disappear
I'm sorry to go missing and then come back looking for advice or support but just been in a really weird place lately!
I started with a new counsellor, she's amazing and well worth the 6 months I waited! I'm trying to be very honest and not hide anything- I've got an issue where I really want her to 'like' me and I struggle telling her 'bad stuff' in case she thinks I'm awful, horrible etc. I know that's ridiculous, I'm trying to work through it though. I'm finding though that I'm struggling a lot with anxiety and panic attacks and nightmares- almost as if the 'boxes' I'm disturbing are taking on a life of their own, which is scary. If anyone's got any tips for dealing with this that would be gratefully received!
My other issue.. For a couple of weeks I was hearing on the grapevine that threats were being made on my life by a drug dealer. Then it switched to other people's lives unless they told him where I am. Noone knows where I live except my mum, brother, sister and my sponsor. Literally no one else has been to my house or knows my address, so although I was scared I was ok.
Then yesterday I went into the city with my daughter to buy a birthday gift. As I came out of the train station and waited to cross the road I see the drug dealer and pray to God he hasn't seen us. He had. He came over, stopped me in the middle of the street as I was crossing and ranted and raved literally 4-5 inches from my face. He's apparently looking for my ex, he's going to burn his sister's car out, he's going to burn her workplace down etc.. He spat in my face and told me if he sees me somewhere quiet he's going to kill me. I seriously think the only thing that saved me from a beating yesterday was that I was surrounded by people on a very busy shopping street on a Saturday afternoon.
I put my best brave face on and walked away as soon as it was safe to do so. He didn't see how much he scared me but OMG. I could hear people saying 'imagine speaking to a girl like that when she's out with her baby' and I just wanted to curl up and disappear
I'm sorry to go missing and then come back looking for advice or support but just been in a really weird place lately!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
(((((Windmills))))) I am sorry you were treated in such a horrible way please take every precaution to stay safe that had to be terrifying. Windmills, maybe you could use being honest with her as a way of working the steps? admitted our faults?
Counselors have heard so many things through out the years they usually do not judge.
I used visualization to help with my panic attacks but it took awhile for me too learn it correctly. I obviously am not a doctor and am not making a diagnosis but with what you have been through it could be possible the nightmares are coming from some PTSD, maybe ask your counselor how to deal with the above things she will defiantly know the things to try.
Counselors have heard so many things through out the years they usually do not judge.
I used visualization to help with my panic attacks but it took awhile for me too learn it correctly. I obviously am not a doctor and am not making a diagnosis but with what you have been through it could be possible the nightmares are coming from some PTSD, maybe ask your counselor how to deal with the above things she will defiantly know the things to try.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Oh gawd, Windmills.... call the Police. This guy threatened your life.
Can you move to a different neighborhood?
As for your therapist, could it hurt to tell her the same you told us? You have this need to be liked and fear she will judge you if you are honest. She's a pro and will work with you to help you over the hump.
Can you move to a different neighborhood?
As for your therapist, could it hurt to tell her the same you told us? You have this need to be liked and fear she will judge you if you are honest. She's a pro and will work with you to help you over the hump.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
(((((Windmills))))))
No need to apologize, sometimes we need to take a break and concentrate on us.
I get how the counseling can amp things up for you, it definitely happened for me a couple of years ago when seemingly all the issues came up to the surface. It was a very hard and scary time for me. I was admitting things to my counselor that I had buried very deeply and had not been able to admit to myself, I had a lot of shame, I too felt like I didn't want to disappoint her. I brought that up to her one day and she just kind of smiled and told me she knew exactly how I felt, she too had those feelings herself, years ago, when she herself was in counseling. Honey, we are just like everyone else, and we are precious. The anxiety and depression surrounding all of the issues that came up, mostly the intense anger I had been carrying around over feelings about my mother , has lifted, as my counselor said they would. It just takes time. But it does end, it's so important to be compassionate with yourself, and gentle. I did a lot of walking in those days, and deep breathing, and cryinng and yelling in the shower. Be kind to yourself, things will move through and then move out.
So nice to see posting, love to you Katie
No need to apologize, sometimes we need to take a break and concentrate on us.
I get how the counseling can amp things up for you, it definitely happened for me a couple of years ago when seemingly all the issues came up to the surface. It was a very hard and scary time for me. I was admitting things to my counselor that I had buried very deeply and had not been able to admit to myself, I had a lot of shame, I too felt like I didn't want to disappoint her. I brought that up to her one day and she just kind of smiled and told me she knew exactly how I felt, she too had those feelings herself, years ago, when she herself was in counseling. Honey, we are just like everyone else, and we are precious. The anxiety and depression surrounding all of the issues that came up, mostly the intense anger I had been carrying around over feelings about my mother , has lifted, as my counselor said they would. It just takes time. But it does end, it's so important to be compassionate with yourself, and gentle. I did a lot of walking in those days, and deep breathing, and cryinng and yelling in the shower. Be kind to yourself, things will move through and then move out.
So nice to see posting, love to you Katie
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
OMG!! I am so angry at that no good POS drug dealer!! How dare he!!
Your therapist is going to adore you, like everyone who is helping you make a better a life for you and your daughter, like all of us here at SR!! You have so much to be proud of, your past does not define.
I really like Brad Yates (EFT) on youtube, give it a try!!
Your therapist is going to adore you, like everyone who is helping you make a better a life for you and your daughter, like all of us here at SR!! You have so much to be proud of, your past does not define.
I really like Brad Yates (EFT) on youtube, give it a try!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 316
Your therapist understand that it takes time to build trust and I totally understand-but there is nothing you could say that would surprise her-I've told my therapist about my issues and let me tell you-they were ugly. I have anxiety issues as well.. As far as that man, lets hope he's all talk and no action.. Sounds like the police need to find out about this man.. I can see that it would make you feel bad about that... It would be great if you could leave that area completely!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: not sure
Posts: 452
Windmill, that sounds so scarey. I hope you tell your counselor about the experience. Someone needs to know this who can guide you in the right direction for your safety.
I hope you never run into him again and stay away from secluded places. How awful of him!
Pray for the safety of you and your child! I care.
I hope you never run into him again and stay away from secluded places. How awful of him!
Pray for the safety of you and your child! I care.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 455
Do what you can to ensure your safety. It is a terrible thing to feel threatened because of your relationship to an addict. At one time I felt threatened by on of my AD's drug dealers. Fortunately for me, and unfortunately for him, he overdosed a month of so later.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Up and onwards... :)
Posts: 274
Windmills, this is the LAST thing you need in your life... total piece of crap that drug dealer... (head shake). You are doing the best you can, you got out of your abusive relationship with your addicted partner (whom I think you still loved?)... how freaking hard is that!?!?! And now, you've moved and are basically hiding from the world for your own protection.
DO NOT FEEL BAD, EMBARRASSED OR ASHAMED of anything!!! You are a SURVIVOR!!! You are an amazing woman who has had to go through mires of sheit to get where you are today. I have a counselor and I understand the need to want to be liked, but then... would I really get better? Her and I have disagreements. She's said a few things and I have cut her off (tried not to be rude) and said that it's not what I meant ... etc., but overall, it's going fairly well.
You deserve to be heard. You deserve to be well and thrive in this life. I pray that this drug dealer goes away and stops bothering you and your loved ones.
Here's to a good night sleep for you and many many more to come,
Peace and love,
DO NOT FEEL BAD, EMBARRASSED OR ASHAMED of anything!!! You are a SURVIVOR!!! You are an amazing woman who has had to go through mires of sheit to get where you are today. I have a counselor and I understand the need to want to be liked, but then... would I really get better? Her and I have disagreements. She's said a few things and I have cut her off (tried not to be rude) and said that it's not what I meant ... etc., but overall, it's going fairly well.
You deserve to be heard. You deserve to be well and thrive in this life. I pray that this drug dealer goes away and stops bothering you and your loved ones.
Here's to a good night sleep for you and many many more to come,
Peace and love,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Do not go into the city anymore. Do not go there. Take the threat seriously.
You are not worth his time to go looking for you where you live now. But that drug dealer owns that city right now, and you should never go there until you hear either he is dead or your ex is dead. Stay right where you are, stay in contact with your family at scheduled intervals throughout each day, and carry pepper spray. Keep a consistent schedule each day and stick to it. And absolutely stay away from the city. My feeling is that you will be safe if you do.
As to bringing guilt and shame into counseling, my therapist likes to use the image of the thimble. "Thimble-fulls", he says, when we are dealing with the really hard or dark things. He is very patient and very protective of his clients and whether they feel stable and strong enough to do hard work. If you do not feel that way right now, it is all right to place the harder work at the back of the closet for another day out in the future. Rebuilding your love for yourself should be the number one priority first. And whatever you don't want to reveal or to face, remember that you, like all of us here, are not bad and you are not crazy. You are wounded. And whatever wrong turns you have made are because of that. And now you are being healed.
God bless you and your little one. May angels walk with you day and night.
You are not worth his time to go looking for you where you live now. But that drug dealer owns that city right now, and you should never go there until you hear either he is dead or your ex is dead. Stay right where you are, stay in contact with your family at scheduled intervals throughout each day, and carry pepper spray. Keep a consistent schedule each day and stick to it. And absolutely stay away from the city. My feeling is that you will be safe if you do.
As to bringing guilt and shame into counseling, my therapist likes to use the image of the thimble. "Thimble-fulls", he says, when we are dealing with the really hard or dark things. He is very patient and very protective of his clients and whether they feel stable and strong enough to do hard work. If you do not feel that way right now, it is all right to place the harder work at the back of the closet for another day out in the future. Rebuilding your love for yourself should be the number one priority first. And whatever you don't want to reveal or to face, remember that you, like all of us here, are not bad and you are not crazy. You are wounded. And whatever wrong turns you have made are because of that. And now you are being healed.
God bless you and your little one. May angels walk with you day and night.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: North West, England
Posts: 500
Thankyou all for your support and kind words.
I actually live about 8 miles out of the city centre, pretty much as far out as you can get without leaving the city. I think I'm pretty safe here, it's an ok area and because we're right on the edge, noone is likely to be driving through etc. I think I need to reconsider college though, the one I've been accepted to is only a few streets from where this incident happened.. It's hard that even though I've done so much to change my life, I'm still controlled by the past. I plan to move out of my city in 5-6 years, it's a horrible place anyway, but I need to qualify and get a good job before I can afford to do it!
I informed the domestic violence centre about the threats when I first heard of them, all they could do was put a flag on my address should the police be called out and give me a panic alarm. I'm going to call my sponsor tonight and tell her (it's bank holiday weekend here so I haven't wanted to bother her.. I know I'm stupid!) as she works at the DV centre so might be asble to tell me where to go.
Regarding the counselling. I think when I go on Thursday I will be honest with her and tell her about the issue I'm having. She'll probably think I'm crazy.. There I go again projecting!
I actually live about 8 miles out of the city centre, pretty much as far out as you can get without leaving the city. I think I'm pretty safe here, it's an ok area and because we're right on the edge, noone is likely to be driving through etc. I think I need to reconsider college though, the one I've been accepted to is only a few streets from where this incident happened.. It's hard that even though I've done so much to change my life, I'm still controlled by the past. I plan to move out of my city in 5-6 years, it's a horrible place anyway, but I need to qualify and get a good job before I can afford to do it!
I informed the domestic violence centre about the threats when I first heard of them, all they could do was put a flag on my address should the police be called out and give me a panic alarm. I'm going to call my sponsor tonight and tell her (it's bank holiday weekend here so I haven't wanted to bother her.. I know I'm stupid!) as she works at the DV centre so might be asble to tell me where to go.
Regarding the counselling. I think when I go on Thursday I will be honest with her and tell her about the issue I'm having. She'll probably think I'm crazy.. There I go again projecting!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by Windmills 
Regarding the counselling. I think when I go on Thursday I will be honest with her and tell her about the issue I'm having. She'll probably think I'm crazy.. There I go again projecting!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
