jksears13

Hi everyone,

I posted my story last week about the guy I was dating in early recovery. He had a major meltdown the other weekend and bailed very unexpectedly on our budding relationship. Please feel free to read my OP for the details if you don't know them.

I mentioned in one of my posts that I had spoke to him briefly last Wed. I didn't hear anything from him until Sat when I texted him a Happy Birthday message, to which he simply replied thank you. I had scheduled off from work on Fri, because he and I were supposed to go to a concert together. Obviously, we did not. I had a pretty bad long weekend, I basically just sat around in my apt., alone with my thoughts. At one point on Fri, after FORCING myself to walk to the post office to return one of his birthday gifts, I just sat on the curb outside my apt. and cried for 2 hours, while texting my sister. I know that's the worst thing to do, but I've been having such a hard time with this that I was really too sad to do anything else. Some moments I would feel hopeful and then it would seem it would be gone as soon as it came. I went back and forth between what I should do, how I should handle this. He said he wants me as a friend, yet his actions speak otherwise. Is that about me? Or is it because of what he's going through right now? Do I continue to try to contact him? Do I let it go?

Monday, I decided that I would attempt to contact him and try to at least get an answer out him, if he would even respond. Nothing deep, just basically I didn't want to keep contacting him because he said he still wanted me in life, if it really was just crap. At this point, I hadn't heard anything from him since the Sat birthday text. The text I sent at about 5:30 when I got home from work, did not get a response. I thought this was confusing and was a bit shocked, but at this point I just sort of went numb with acceptance. At 9:50 I sent another text, simply asking if he was alright. For someone who has mentioned wanting to kill himself so much in the past week, I at least wanted to know that. And I figured he would at least let me know that. The response I got back to that was immediate and said "Yes, I'm doing alright. Did you not get my other response?" I said no I hadn't and he then explained that he had sent one and told me what he had said. I then asked him if I was upsetting him by contacting him, to which he responded no. And I told him I was a bit confused because his actions were not giving me the vibe that he wanted me in his life. He asked why I was feeling that way. I explained the lack of contact. We went from talking all day everyday to nothing. He apologized multiple times, said he would try to be more responsive and then said that he has just been off in his own world the past few days dealing with his issues and thoughts and that he was sorry if he was being distant, that wasn't his intention. This then continued on into a conversation about his recovery, how he was doing and his upcoming trip to visit his sister in Fl.

So, basically I don't know where to go from here. I was very confused. He seemed to not really even feel like he had dropped off for a week. That conversation ended at about 11:30 last night and I've had no further contact since then. I don't know if I should continue to contact him, should I give him space, do I give up on trying to have him in my life at all? I don't even know if I will be able to adjust to things this way, they already feel a little weird.

Thanks guys..

kmangel

Give him time and space to work out his problems. That is what I am seeing. He is preoccupied. Let him come back to you in his timing. It is hard to do, but it is what it is.

emptyshell

I read your other post about your story as you suggested. And have to say I agree with kmangel, he needs his space to work on himself. If he truely wants you in his life he will contact you, but that doesnt mean you should sit around waiting for him to call or text. Go out with your friends, do things you enjoy and get your mind off of him. I do not mean this in a harsh way at all so please dont take it that way- but do you think it is a good idea for you to be with another guy who has these problems? I believe you said in your other post that your last bf had probs. It sounds as though you really like this guy, but perhaps you need to focus on you. I am new to SR and have been reading alot about codependency and falling into relationships that are not good for oneself. I also am 29 and My last bf had probs, and then I went a married a man with probs (still married and dealing with it), I never thought that I might be codependent or falling into relationships that are bad, but now due to reading on this site I am starting to think I am. Alot of people on SR have told me to go get help and to do things for me, I have only taken the first step in that today and already I feel a lil better. I hope this helps you a little.

jksears13

Thank you guys for the support. Something that I've really been struggling with through this is, how has it been so easy for him to go from contacting me all day everyday, to basically not at all? If I'm having such a hard time dealing with it, how is he not? How is it so easy for him to make that transition?

My other big question... where was his sponsor? Why didn't he protect us? I've read that many AA sponsors will advise their sponsees, but in the end when they don't heed the advice, they let them make their own mistakes and learn from them. But "J"s sponsor basically supported this. Even from the beginning (back when I was with my ex and "J" and I were just friends) he advised him on how to proceed. To my knowledge, he never had anything bad to say about the situation, no one did. No one raised a flag. That makes me feel like they knew he would use me and just didn't care
Also, I'd love to know what he's told all these people now. He talked about me none stop to everyone in his life. They all knew he was smitten. So what now? You just told them all "it just changed" ?

emptyshell: I am also new to SR, and I hear what you are saying. I too have been reading about codependency on here and all of the things you mentioned have not been far from my mind. I'm thinking I may go back to therapy, to not only help me through this but also deal with this possible relationship pattern that has evolved. And if anything, I know I am going to have to stay single for a while to level myself back out. I was in a really good place before I started dating my first addict ex, hopefully I can get back there. It just seems so hard right now.

amaslow

Please know I say this to give you something that can help you get it in perspective,For whatever reason, ( maybe his own issues that have nothing to do with your desireabilty) he is just not that into you. I know coming to that realization has helped me in the past..He probably doesn't have the capability to be into anyone for any length of time.

An addict is rarely just an addict without other issues.. I would cut my loses and move on. Find someone who is available. HUG!!

lightseeker

I am sorry for the confusion and pain that you are feeling in this situation. Unfortunately, what you wrote is pretty common with relationships in early recovery. There are a lot of hot and cold times, stops and starts. And a whole lot of pain with little blips of things feeling "ok".

I remember when I went from feeling like "ubber girl" to feeling like yesterday's news. It was really confusing to me and I wanted things back like they had been. I was addicted to how it had been at one time and really struggled to adjust to the new normal.

There are so many good books to read regarding this sort of thing and they all helped me a whole lot (all of Melody Beattie's books, Love Addiction by Pia Melody, Women, Sex, and Addiction by Charlottte Kasl). I really was so confused and I did everything that I knew to hang in there.

The number one thing that helped me with a partner in brand new recovery was to get into a recovery program of my own. It wasn't until I did that that I began to develop the skills to help me deal with the confusion that came with all of the changes in my relationship.

Earlier tonight I made the comment.....if anyone even mentions the word addiction to me in a potential relationship situation I am running for the hills.....the pain and confusion is just not conducive to what a relationship really should be about....it can become very one sided and focused on the needs of the other person. Don't forget that you are an equal part of any relationship and definitely deserve to get every bit as much as you give.

It is hard right now...you are right....but it will get better as you learn more about what makes you happy and what you deserve and need.

outtolunch

You have known him for only a few months.
He's very new to recovery.
He's not that into you, right now..

Addiction/recovery aside, there are likely about 10 million people in the U.S. going through something similar, right now. One of the two was more into the relationship than the other and it ended abrubtly.

Please don't let his inconsistentcy define you. Likely it has nothing to do with you. Heck, maybe he's gay.

A boundary along the lines of " I do not do relationships with active addicts or those new to recovery" protects you from more of the same, going forward.

jksears13

Thanks amaslow. I hear what youre saying, and I honestly agree with you. It's just difficult to go from one extreme to the other. For months I was the greatest thing since sliced bread and now... ? And not to "toot my own horn" but I know I have an enormous amount going for me and I know I had more in common with him and treated him better than any relationship he's ever known. I guess my head is just trying to find a reason that probably doesn't exist. In fact, the only real reason there probably is, is that he's an addict.

kmangel

You are trying to analyze why he did what he did but all you are going to get is he wants a break. Accept it and get on with your life. Let him contact you rather than you him. Get busy so you are not sitting around waiting on your phone to ring. As a recovering addict he has a lot on his plate and he has been clear about that with you.

jksears13

This is exactly it. That's how I feel pretty much to a tee. Thank you. I will look into getting those books (already ordered codependent no more). Surprisingly, one of the only things that is comforting to me through all of this is trying to understand as much about it as I possibly can. I feel like I just want to drown myself in knowledge surrounding the whole situation. Is that weird?

And thank you outtolunch, that not only was comforting and insightful, but also made me laugh

jksears13

kmangel: You're absolutely right I am! and I know its awful I have a really hard time with that. When I was in therapy, I learned that I am always in my head. I over analyze and over think, and I can't really silence my thoughts or distract myself like others can. It makes things very difficult. Plus, I'm a scientist. So, I don't think that helps

lightseeker

Gosh....I so understand wanting to drown in knowledge in order to better understand the whole thing. I am a voracious researcher and unfortunately can admit to reading almost every book in the world on addiction, relationships, addiction and relationships, recovery, etc.

A book that helped me to understand addiction was "Craving for Ecstasy" by Harvey Milkman. It's not about the drug ecstasy but for the feeling.

I finally understood that I had become addicted to the feeling of being ubber girl. That truly was my addiction. Now that my ex husband no longer has me he perceives me once again as "ubber girl". Only now I know that if I went back to him we would start this whole horrible cycle again. If what I said really rang true for you then I'd really get that Pia Melody book. I pulled it back out last night and realized that I need to spend some time with it again.

jksears13

Thank you so much lightseeker, this has been a true help.

crazybabie

I also over analyze everything to the extent my friends call me Bones, like you I have a hard time stopping this I have found when I can distract myself from doing so I feel much better I have worn a rubber band around my wrist before and will pop it every time I catch myself analyzing what is there is no way for me to figure out.

Freedom1990

When I began to define myself, my self-worth, my self-esteem, through what others were/weren't doing, I was miserable, not to mention that I gave them control over me whether I realized it or not.

After I left my abusive EXAH, I thought I had solved the problem. The truth was that the common denominator in both of my marriages and all the dysfunctional relationships in my life was me.

I was broken inside, and until I did some serious work on self (and continue to do so many years later), I was not healthy enough to even consider a relationship.

I took everything personally with my partners, and based my reality on them. I was insecure.

In hindsight, I was extremely egotistical, though in my mind that was the furthest thing from the truth because I was the most giving person in the world in relationships (to the point it was detrimental to me in every sense of the word). It really was about me. That was a tough pill to swallow when I started my recovery from codependency.

Another book I'd like to recommend is "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. I'm sure that book was written just for me!

I hope you continue to post, and sending you hugs of support on the cool Kansas winds this morning!

Lara

[QUOTE=jksears13;3535288]how has it been so easy for him to go from contacting me all day everyday, to basically not at all? If I'm having such a hard time dealing with it, how is he not? How is it so easy for him to make that transition?
Hi jksears... welcome to SR.
So many of us have been here - I know the torment of your question. I would go over and over in my mind trying to figure out 'if he loved me so much how could he just walk away'??? I drove myself crazy. Trying to read into everything, trying to remember ever last conversation, text message... to figure out what 'i had done wrong'.
If you read my threads "Is there ever chance of a loving relationship' & 'Am I losing my friend' & 'Liar, Liar, Range Rover on fire' - you will see incredible input from members here.
That this is NOT about YOU - it is about HIM the addict. And you will never figure it out. That with addiction, and the addictive brain - there is serious cross wiring of the synapses... they don't think like we do. The addictive brain only thinks about the DOC - how to get it, when will they be alone to take it... and if anyone gets in the way of their FIRST LOVE (drugs) they will lie, manipulate and say ANYTHING To you - to prevent you standing in the way of their FIRST LOVE.
My darling friend of over 10 years - my best friend, one of the loves of my life, literally screamed at me - out of the blue - to 'get the hell out of his life'!!! It broke me. It completely turned my world upside down. I was blindsided. I did not see it coming. I thought he was in recovery. I was so wrong. I had NO IDEA!!! And that is what made me join SR!!!!
Thoughts and prayers are with you!!!

outtolunch

You have nailed it.

Addiction defies all logic.

I came to my own conclusion that many addicts need drugs like air to breathe. I simply cannot imagine what it takes to overcome addiction.

emptyshell

I agree with Lara, its an addict behavior and you will never be able to figure it out. Trust me Ive been trying for close to 6 years to figure out my own husband and can't seem to get a clue. You can't change anything about what happened you can only change you bc that's what you have control over, only you. Think about it addicts lie, manipulate, steal, blah blah blah the list goes on, their moods and behavior change so quickly, as well as they lose interest in things &people quickly. They have mastered shutting off that part of your brain that cares, whether he's in recovery or not all of that bad stuff is still in there, it's still part of him. And it's easier for an addictive personality to shut others out then to truely let them in. You are def right you should go back to counseling to get a handle on your emotions and pattern of relationships and you are also probably right that bc you are a scientist that you can't get out of your own head, my sister is also a scientist and has the exact same prob. Take care of you, make your life better, be alone for awhile, and then when you are ready find a man who is truely available and will love you the way you deserve to be loved.

jksears13

Thank you guys for all the insight. I feel like I'm in this weird spot right now, of half being ready to move on and half not, but yet I feel like I know it's inevitable.

Lara: I did go back and read some of your threads. When I read your first one, my heart skipped a beat a little haha... it was a little like deja vu.

I spoke with "J" last night, as well as today. Last night we got into some things. I basically confronted him about whether or not he even wanted me in his life anymore. I told him that I just felt like he was trying to phase me out and forget about me and that I just didn't want to be strung along if that was the case. He was telling me one thing but his actions were saying another. He again told me that really isn't what he wants and that he has just been so distant because of his issues. He says he is trying to get it together and has not been very successful. It sort of turned into a conversation about what happened with us. He apologized a bunch and told me he never meant to hurt me and that this just happened. That he can't give me all the answers because he doesn't really have them. He doesn't understand or know how to deal with many of his own emotions and feelings right now. He said this hasn't been easy for him. He was pretty supportive and said he is going to try to be more "attentive", whatever that means... and make more of an effort to talk and hangout.

This led to him texting me this afternoon about my day and we had a pretty normal conversation that lasted into evening.

So, we are supposed to meet up for coffee Sat afternoon/evening.

I will be honest and say, I don't know how this is going to go. This could end up being a poor choice. I'm trying to keep him in my life as a friend, but yet I don't even know if that is the right choice for me yet. Ugh.

No one disown me

Lara

Hey how are you doing? Did you meet on Saturday - how do you feel? It is tough - really tough!