am i suicidal
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 10
am i suicidal
Ive been off the board for a while got moved then got depressed i am so tired and as i moved and unpacked i am amazed at how many things are missing had 4 laptops now one. Looking at whats gone and going thru all of these things brings forth a lot of memories. My daughter wants to know why her dad isn't moving with us she misses him as do i and the rest of the children I slept or tried to sleep in this unfamiliar place alone and feeling so empty. I haven't been to sleep in weeks don t see how addicts do it. My kid wants to know how come i cant fix her dad like i do the people at work which makes me feel like a failure. I told her the truth even though she is only seven i told them all the truth no more excuses like dads sick this weight has become more than i can carry. I am so tired I have given up on him and it hurts I have never given up on anyone I love that thru sickness and health vow but this is one sickness I cant deal with. This is so hard I told him I give up and I wish him well it was hard to do but he wouldn't let things go by me just not taking his phone calls he looks like crap but he doesn't seen it. The 4th was my anniversary and it killed me all that day I keep trying to figure things out god im tired I came back because sense that day Ive been really tempted to take my whole bottle of sleeping pills thus far the only thing that stops me is I know if I die he will get my kids I don't really want to die or i don't think i do I am just so tired im trying so hard to stand and i know i cant take him back all trust is gone but don't know where to go from here im just so tired so here i am
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
There are some really good threads on the mental health forum that helped me a lot when I was feeling this way the stickies and it also had the suicide hotline number please go to the hospital and be evaluated should you refuse that call the hotline they let you talk and they listen no one will know you called sometimes all we need is a real person who is not judging us on the other line.
I hope I have broken no rules but i could not just not respond.
YOU are worth living and YOUR kids need you go to the hospital...
I hope I have broken no rules but i could not just not respond.
YOU are worth living and YOUR kids need you go to the hospital...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
empty1 have you thought about just going to go and see a therapist about how you feel and just get all of the stress you have been under out? i know when i have gone through some pretty tough breakups, i barely was able to get out of bed. my kids were the only things that kept me going when i just walked to hide from the world. but talking to someone about how you feel might lift some of your burden you have carried for so long.
btw...you NEVER failed. it was your partner that failed. give him back his guilt and blame, and you will see that you did your best.
btw...you NEVER failed. it was your partner that failed. give him back his guilt and blame, and you will see that you did your best.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Hi Empty, I'm so sorry you are feeling so low. I'm not suprised after all you have been through.
If these thoughts you are having are this heavy, please seek medical help. None of us are doctors, we are just people like you that know exactly how you feel.
It takes time for us to find our footing again, it's a lot of pressure and stress to do what you have done and having to keep your children safe and feeling okay is very hard when you too have so much grief. None of us leave our A;s without going through a lot of hard days.
If you can it might be a really good idea to seek some counseling. It might be very helpful for you to have a place to go and start talking about how hard things are .
We are here, and we care, a lot. Please keep posting, there are so many here that have been where you are , it's going to be okay, it takes time.
lots of love to you Katie
If these thoughts you are having are this heavy, please seek medical help. None of us are doctors, we are just people like you that know exactly how you feel.
It takes time for us to find our footing again, it's a lot of pressure and stress to do what you have done and having to keep your children safe and feeling okay is very hard when you too have so much grief. None of us leave our A;s without going through a lot of hard days.
If you can it might be a really good idea to seek some counseling. It might be very helpful for you to have a place to go and start talking about how hard things are .
We are here, and we care, a lot. Please keep posting, there are so many here that have been where you are , it's going to be okay, it takes time.
lots of love to you Katie
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I am so sorry for your pain. I remember my dark days when I could hardly lift my head, I was so filled with sadness and fear and I could see no way out of that dark hole. I wasn't suicidal but I felt that if I didn't do something I would surely die.
It was when I had nothing left to lose, except maybe my life, that I grabbed on to meetings, to support and to SR. At first I just treaded water, going through the motions and trying to grasp some straw of hope. A wise member here once told me that the only way to get through this kind of pain is to look it in the face and walk through it. So I kept walking.
One day I felt less sad, one day I could go for a walk and actually feel the sunshine, one day I could share and let the tears flow...and one day at a time it got better and better and better.
Today I find joy in every day. I see the beauty of a sunrise and feel my spirit soar, even on bad days. The only way I got from "there" to "here" was to walk through the pain and follow the light of those who went before me. They held that light until I could find my own.
Sweety, bad times don't last forever, you have come this far to bring yourself and your babies to a safe place. That's huge. Keep walking and know that we're walking with you. You are no longer alone and there is hope for better days ahead. I promise and I never lie.
Hugs and prayers for all of you.
It was when I had nothing left to lose, except maybe my life, that I grabbed on to meetings, to support and to SR. At first I just treaded water, going through the motions and trying to grasp some straw of hope. A wise member here once told me that the only way to get through this kind of pain is to look it in the face and walk through it. So I kept walking.
One day I felt less sad, one day I could go for a walk and actually feel the sunshine, one day I could share and let the tears flow...and one day at a time it got better and better and better.
Today I find joy in every day. I see the beauty of a sunrise and feel my spirit soar, even on bad days. The only way I got from "there" to "here" was to walk through the pain and follow the light of those who went before me. They held that light until I could find my own.
Sweety, bad times don't last forever, you have come this far to bring yourself and your babies to a safe place. That's huge. Keep walking and know that we're walking with you. You are no longer alone and there is hope for better days ahead. I promise and I never lie.
Hugs and prayers for all of you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Originally Posted by Ann 
I am so sorry for your pain. I remember my dark days when I could hardly lift my head, I was so filled with sadness and fear and I could see no way out of that dark hole. I wasn't suicidal but I felt that if I didn't do something I would surely die.
It was when I had nothing left to lose, except maybe my life, that I grabbed on to meetings, to support and to SR. At first I just treaded water, going through the motions and trying to grasp some straw of hope. A wise member here once told me that the only way to get through this kind of pain is to look it in the face and walk through it. So I kept walking.
One day I felt less sad, one day I could go for a walk and actually feel the sunshine, one day I could share and let the tears flow...and one day at a time it got better and better and better.
Today I find joy in every day. I see the beauty of a sunrise and feel my spirit soar, even on bad days. The only way I got from "there" to "here" was to walk through the pain and follow the light of those who went before me. They held that light until I could find my own.
Sweety, bad times don't last forever, you have come this far to bring yourself and your babies to a safe place. That's huge. Keep walking and know that we're walking with you. You are no longer alone and there is hope for better days ahead. I promise and I never lie.
Hugs and prayers for all of you.
It was when I had nothing left to lose, except maybe my life, that I grabbed on to meetings, to support and to SR. At first I just treaded water, going through the motions and trying to grasp some straw of hope. A wise member here once told me that the only way to get through this kind of pain is to look it in the face and walk through it. So I kept walking.
One day I felt less sad, one day I could go for a walk and actually feel the sunshine, one day I could share and let the tears flow...and one day at a time it got better and better and better.
Today I find joy in every day. I see the beauty of a sunrise and feel my spirit soar, even on bad days. The only way I got from "there" to "here" was to walk through the pain and follow the light of those who went before me. They held that light until I could find my own.
Sweety, bad times don't last forever, you have come this far to bring yourself and your babies to a safe place. That's huge. Keep walking and know that we're walking with you. You are no longer alone and there is hope for better days ahead. I promise and I never lie.
Hugs and prayers for all of you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Originally Posted by Ann
One day I felt less sad, one day I could go for a walk and actually feel the sunshine, one day I could share and let the tears flow...and one day at a time it got better and better and better.
My hope is that support you receive, here and elsewhere, will help to get through this very difficult time. I am so sorry for you and your kids, though, it is evident you are a good mom and are doing your best to guide them through. Try to find a way to get some rest; getting sleep usually helps significantly to make it through the tough days.
We are here for you. I am sending prayers for comfort, peace, healing, and safety for you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I understand that feeling of such deep loss and unrelenting sadness.....utter despair. It's a horrible feeling. I hope you find comfort knowing that others have been there and survived. And you will too.....even if it feels like you can't......you will.
My lowest point was lying in a hospital bed knowing that my life had become so unmanageable that I was tied to an IV and it was that craziness that had gotten me there. I had a complete breakdown right there in that bed. It was the beginning of a journey out of the mess my mind and life had become. I knew I had to do something to save myself.
Those bottoms are turning points. A light went on in my head.......I began going to meetings in earnest. I didn't get "it" but I was determined to keep going until I did. Those meetings and reading literally saved my life.
When the blinders get ripped off and we are forced to look at our lives and face our own demons, it is unbearable. I'm going to suggest a book that is seldom mentioned here on SR but it's another book that helped me tremendously. It is by Melody Beattie called "Make Miracles in 40 Days". The process she suggests in that book didn't make a whole lot of sense to me but I did it anyway. It changed my perspective on life. It changed my life.
Take care of you first.....even before you take care of your children......take care of you. If you give all of you to them, there is no you left. Renew your spirit. You're worth it. And then take care of the kids to the best of your ability. It takes a lot of courage to move forward but you can do it. One little baby step at a time......one day at a time.....you can.
gentle hugs
ke
My lowest point was lying in a hospital bed knowing that my life had become so unmanageable that I was tied to an IV and it was that craziness that had gotten me there. I had a complete breakdown right there in that bed. It was the beginning of a journey out of the mess my mind and life had become. I knew I had to do something to save myself.
Those bottoms are turning points. A light went on in my head.......I began going to meetings in earnest. I didn't get "it" but I was determined to keep going until I did. Those meetings and reading literally saved my life.
When the blinders get ripped off and we are forced to look at our lives and face our own demons, it is unbearable. I'm going to suggest a book that is seldom mentioned here on SR but it's another book that helped me tremendously. It is by Melody Beattie called "Make Miracles in 40 Days". The process she suggests in that book didn't make a whole lot of sense to me but I did it anyway. It changed my perspective on life. It changed my life.
Take care of you first.....even before you take care of your children......take care of you. If you give all of you to them, there is no you left. Renew your spirit. You're worth it. And then take care of the kids to the best of your ability. It takes a lot of courage to move forward but you can do it. One little baby step at a time......one day at a time.....you can.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
I have felt similar feelings over the last few years....and then especially once I left my husband. I hope that by leaving things would instantly feel better but I was wrong. I had to face the reality of my life and that was really really tough.
SR (and this forum in particularly, has been a life saver for me). Getting myself to meetings also has helped me immensely. So has counseling. Slowly but surely, the clouds are lifting. You are not alone and others are going through this - or have gone through this. Please know that you do matter and that things will and can get better.
We have to adjust to a new normal and that just takes time. I am a strong person and it was difficult for me to admit my defeat against addiciton. There is no making it through "for better and for worse" with addiction. Every person, even every minister has told me that addiction is a deal breaker for those vows....I know that that is true. I've tried everything in my power and accept that that is a battle that should not be fought in a marriage.
I'm glad that you've found our forum and have reached out. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing!
SR (and this forum in particularly, has been a life saver for me). Getting myself to meetings also has helped me immensely. So has counseling. Slowly but surely, the clouds are lifting. You are not alone and others are going through this - or have gone through this. Please know that you do matter and that things will and can get better.
We have to adjust to a new normal and that just takes time. I am a strong person and it was difficult for me to admit my defeat against addiciton. There is no making it through "for better and for worse" with addiction. Every person, even every minister has told me that addiction is a deal breaker for those vows....I know that that is true. I've tried everything in my power and accept that that is a battle that should not be fought in a marriage.
I'm glad that you've found our forum and have reached out. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
The 4th was my anniversary and it killed me all that day I keep trying to figure things out god im tired I came back because sense that day Ive been really tempted to take my whole bottle of sleeping pills thus far the only thing that stops me is I know if I die he will get my kids I don't really want to die or i don't think i do I am just so tired im trying so hard to stand and i know i cant take him back all trust is gone but don't know where to go from here im just so tired so here i am
What I can tell you is it takes courage to face what you have to face. The fact that you're posting about where you are tells me you've got strength, probably more than you realize. I'm not going to try to tell you any of this is going to be easy, because you and I both know that it's not. But what I can tell you is all you have to do is get up in the morning and do the best you can. Hour by hour if you have to. Cry, punch a pillow, post here...just keep pushing forward as best you can. Acknowledge to yourself that, yes, this sucks, this is awful, but this is where I am NOW. This is where I am TODAY. This doesn't mean this is where you'll be tomorrow.
What helped me during a rough stretch was turning to a Higher Power. I'm pretty convinced that as human beings, we can only handle so much pain. So it's OK to turn to God and ask Him to shoulder what you're feeling. Because He will. And before you know it, one good day turns into a couple of good days. And then maybe that turns into three good days. Do it every day.
Finally, I think you would benefit from a therapist that you can trust and connect with. I think we all need an objective ear, but also someone that's going to give us support when we're way down low. Look into that. It will help both you and your kid.
Please, be safe, and let us know how you're doing.
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 398
It's exhausting to be married to an addict. You have every right to be tired but please don't let it consume you. Maybe now that you've separated from him you can get some rest. Real rest. Not the kind of rest where you barely sleep because you're wondering what on earth they're doing. Just take it day by day. It will take time for you to reach a point where you can breathe and sleep and play again. Keep posting and reading! *Praying for you to be blessed with peace.*
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 10
i went to sleep i slept for a long time about a day on and off i told my oldest who is teenage that i was tired and needed to go to bed i laid down i cried must of let go of something because this time it was different i went to sleep it still hurt when i woke up as it still does now but i am getting a better grip on things i did as a wise person told me to do and took care of me and wow everything is ok i dont think i wanted to die just stop hurting as zoso77 said its hard for me to not be superwoman in front of my children i dont like having to lean on any one but this to will pass with time thank you all who replied for your kind words and wisdom it was much needed xoxoxo
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
