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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Colorado
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New to this forum
Hi everyone. I wanted to introduce myself here. I'm a recovering alcoholic with 13 months free of alcohol. It led me to some really dark places in life, and I'm so thankful to be in a healthier place. The thing is, now that I'm not off in my own little drunken world, I have to face reality. I've done a lot of reading in this forum and it has helped me so much. You all seem like a wonderful group of people with so much combined wisdom, and that's why I'm posting here.
I think I'm a double-winner. I'm 29 and my husband is 26. We have no children, and have been married for 11 months. I am on birth control and there are no plans to have children, mainly because of what the rest of this post is about.
I have a problem with his pot use. We live in Colorado so he is legal with the state - he's in the registry and sees a doctor once a year to re-register. I don't mind "medicinal" use. To me, that means light use to control pain/whatever other symptoms you've got the prescription for. I myself used to smoke occasionally, but eventually I just didn't like it anymore. I like being sober.
My problem with what's going on is that he's using more than I've seen him use ever before in our 4 years together. He grows a little more than what's allowed according to the laws of our state. He sells the extra to close friends. Some are registered with the state of CO, some not. I've felt uneasy about this but have mostly kept my mouth shut because I had my own problems and I haven't felt like I'm in a position to criticize anyone's drug or alcohol use. So far, the amounts we're talking about would most likely not have serious consequences, but I find myself constantly worrying about what's in the basement. When he grows outside during the summer it totally disrupts our lives and we can't have friends or family over because they would see the jungle in the backyard.
Last week, he was laid off from his waiter job and we lost half of our income. A few days before that, he met a guy who is a big player in the scene and who had offered him work at an operation out in the middle of nowhere. I have already stated that I'm not willing to move from our home. He is neglecting school to feed this obsession with growing. He wants to be a big player in the scene and I do not. This weekend, he had a friend over and they spent two days smoking hash and laying around in my living room like a couple of zombies. It's the first time I've seen something like that here and it made me extremely uncomfortable. It was like our very own opium den. It was disgusting.
After what I went through with my drinking, I just want to live a normal life inside the boundaries of the law. At the height of my addiction, I worked as a prostitute for a year, which was traumatic and just awful in so many ways. At the time I had convinced myself that what I was doing was some kind of feminist economic experiment, that I was providing a needed service as a companion to men who had no other outlet for basic needs, but now I think that's a bunch of BS, and even if it's not that lifestyle clearly isn't for me, at the very least.
I don't want to go back to fearing the law every day of my life. I don't feel like this is an issue of civil disobedience of personal rights like it might be if his plans to grow were limited to his use only- this is a huge industry I don't want to be involved in, but he's ready to dive in head first and drag me with him. He's constantly comparing what's going on now to prohibition in this country from 1920-1933. I'm really sensitive to this whole issue, as you might imagine, because of what I went through with alcohol. I'm afraid he's convincing himself that he's some kind of weed Gandhi just like I had myself convinced that I was acting rationally by becoming an escort.
I'm exhausted thinking about this all the time and I know I am ready to spread my wings and fly on, so to speak, after all that I went through with alcohol. It took a huge toll on my self esteem and it has taken a year to get this far. I want so much more for myself, I want more from him. I'm just tired of fighting and I feel like I don't have a voice in this relationship. Thanks for listening.
I think I'm a double-winner. I'm 29 and my husband is 26. We have no children, and have been married for 11 months. I am on birth control and there are no plans to have children, mainly because of what the rest of this post is about.
I have a problem with his pot use. We live in Colorado so he is legal with the state - he's in the registry and sees a doctor once a year to re-register. I don't mind "medicinal" use. To me, that means light use to control pain/whatever other symptoms you've got the prescription for. I myself used to smoke occasionally, but eventually I just didn't like it anymore. I like being sober.
My problem with what's going on is that he's using more than I've seen him use ever before in our 4 years together. He grows a little more than what's allowed according to the laws of our state. He sells the extra to close friends. Some are registered with the state of CO, some not. I've felt uneasy about this but have mostly kept my mouth shut because I had my own problems and I haven't felt like I'm in a position to criticize anyone's drug or alcohol use. So far, the amounts we're talking about would most likely not have serious consequences, but I find myself constantly worrying about what's in the basement. When he grows outside during the summer it totally disrupts our lives and we can't have friends or family over because they would see the jungle in the backyard.
Last week, he was laid off from his waiter job and we lost half of our income. A few days before that, he met a guy who is a big player in the scene and who had offered him work at an operation out in the middle of nowhere. I have already stated that I'm not willing to move from our home. He is neglecting school to feed this obsession with growing. He wants to be a big player in the scene and I do not. This weekend, he had a friend over and they spent two days smoking hash and laying around in my living room like a couple of zombies. It's the first time I've seen something like that here and it made me extremely uncomfortable. It was like our very own opium den. It was disgusting.
After what I went through with my drinking, I just want to live a normal life inside the boundaries of the law. At the height of my addiction, I worked as a prostitute for a year, which was traumatic and just awful in so many ways. At the time I had convinced myself that what I was doing was some kind of feminist economic experiment, that I was providing a needed service as a companion to men who had no other outlet for basic needs, but now I think that's a bunch of BS, and even if it's not that lifestyle clearly isn't for me, at the very least.
I don't want to go back to fearing the law every day of my life. I don't feel like this is an issue of civil disobedience of personal rights like it might be if his plans to grow were limited to his use only- this is a huge industry I don't want to be involved in, but he's ready to dive in head first and drag me with him. He's constantly comparing what's going on now to prohibition in this country from 1920-1933. I'm really sensitive to this whole issue, as you might imagine, because of what I went through with alcohol. I'm afraid he's convincing himself that he's some kind of weed Gandhi just like I had myself convinced that I was acting rationally by becoming an escort.
I'm exhausted thinking about this all the time and I know I am ready to spread my wings and fly on, so to speak, after all that I went through with alcohol. It took a huge toll on my self esteem and it has taken a year to get this far. I want so much more for myself, I want more from him. I'm just tired of fighting and I feel like I don't have a voice in this relationship. Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: In a better place
Posts: 282
Hi, and welcome. You sound strong, intelligent, insightful--anyone who has you in his/her life is blessed indeed.
It also sounds as though you know the answers--just need some wise voices to support and encourage you. SR is a good place to be.
I'm assuming you have a sponsor and/or attend support meetings, so talking to your sponsor about what is happening in your life with your husband is a healthy way to begin processing what you need to do for your own well-being.
Those feelings of uneasiness and God's gift to us--early warning signs that we ignore or deny at our own peril. Your instincts and intuition sound as though they are functioning well for you. Listen to them, and to wise counsel, and you will find the guidance and protection that you need.
Wishing you many blessings, and the courage to take care of yourself during this time.
It also sounds as though you know the answers--just need some wise voices to support and encourage you. SR is a good place to be.
I'm assuming you have a sponsor and/or attend support meetings, so talking to your sponsor about what is happening in your life with your husband is a healthy way to begin processing what you need to do for your own well-being.
Those feelings of uneasiness and God's gift to us--early warning signs that we ignore or deny at our own peril. Your instincts and intuition sound as though they are functioning well for you. Listen to them, and to wise counsel, and you will find the guidance and protection that you need.
Wishing you many blessings, and the courage to take care of yourself during this time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,071
Thank you PrayingMama. I got sober through the support here on SR. I think AA is a wonderful program but it wasn't for me. The downside to that is that I don't have a sponsor to confide in.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: In a better place
Posts: 282
Perhaps Alanon might be helpful to you at this point, since you are married to someone who appears to be walking a dangerous path? Just a thought.
Is there a sane, centered friend or family member with whom you can share this? Sometimes having face-to-face, in-person support is important and when situations change, sometimes the kind of "medicine" you need changes. Again, just a thought.
Hope you are doing whatever you can to protect yourself legally, emotionally, and physically. You sound too dear to allow anyone to place your safety and sanity in jeopardy.
Is there a sane, centered friend or family member with whom you can share this? Sometimes having face-to-face, in-person support is important and when situations change, sometimes the kind of "medicine" you need changes. Again, just a thought.
Hope you are doing whatever you can to protect yourself legally, emotionally, and physically. You sound too dear to allow anyone to place your safety and sanity in jeopardy.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,071
Thank you for your kind words, PrayingMama. I'll check out some meetings. I just feel so powerless in this situation. The last time I put my foot down about something it turned out to be the worst decision of my life.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
It seems like he has all the power, and he views you as just going along for the ride.
The fact that what he is involving himself in all of this, beside greatly hindering your social life, and being against the law, goes against all you are and all you have worked for.
You said the last time you put you foot down it was the worst decision in your life, maybe so, but the decision you are faced with here, is totally about you, your values, and your idea of acceptable life style.
It sucks when we face these decisions, because it appears you will always be living in fear if you don't express your needs, or it may end the relationship if you do. It's a tough decision. But what I see is that you are already obsessing about what you are dealing with . It's not going to get better, my guess..
Please protect your sanity and sobriety at all costs, that is what is most important I think. You sound like a very insightful and awesome person, I would hate to see you risk all of your sound accomplishments for a business you want not part off out of the gate. And if it is going on where you live, you can certainly be viewed as an accomplice.
love to you Katie
The fact that what he is involving himself in all of this, beside greatly hindering your social life, and being against the law, goes against all you are and all you have worked for.
You said the last time you put you foot down it was the worst decision in your life, maybe so, but the decision you are faced with here, is totally about you, your values, and your idea of acceptable life style.
It sucks when we face these decisions, because it appears you will always be living in fear if you don't express your needs, or it may end the relationship if you do. It's a tough decision. But what I see is that you are already obsessing about what you are dealing with . It's not going to get better, my guess..
Please protect your sanity and sobriety at all costs, that is what is most important I think. You sound like a very insightful and awesome person, I would hate to see you risk all of your sound accomplishments for a business you want not part off out of the gate. And if it is going on where you live, you can certainly be viewed as an accomplice.
love to you Katie
Not The Way way, Just the way
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: US
Posts: 1,413
None of the following is legal advice, or is in any way professional feedback. I am not a professional in any human service field.
I would
1 - get an anonymous legal opinion or two about how I could secure my non-complicity in any illegalities.
2 - make sure nothing illegal is going on on our common property. All legal limits will now have to be met at home, no fudging. What's done away from home, I can't control.
3 - make sure our common property would not be at risk of impoundment even if I wasn't complicit?
3 - try to persuade my loved one choose to be drug free for at least two or three days a week with me, and make it sound like an attractive idea - plan interesting human type things together.
4 - make sure all partners in crime are not welcome to stop by, because I would have no idea what's on them, in their vehicles, or possibly being exchanged.
5 - start thinking and feeling about my options of not living with that person.
I would
1 - get an anonymous legal opinion or two about how I could secure my non-complicity in any illegalities.
2 - make sure nothing illegal is going on on our common property. All legal limits will now have to be met at home, no fudging. What's done away from home, I can't control.
3 - make sure our common property would not be at risk of impoundment even if I wasn't complicit?
3 - try to persuade my loved one choose to be drug free for at least two or three days a week with me, and make it sound like an attractive idea - plan interesting human type things together.
4 - make sure all partners in crime are not welcome to stop by, because I would have no idea what's on them, in their vehicles, or possibly being exchanged.
5 - start thinking and feeling about my options of not living with that person.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
He is an addict and that is the problem.
The core problem is not the jungle out back or the zombie friends.
The problem is that he is an addict.
Your problem then is codependency. It is inevitable that you will be codependent in any relationship with an addict. It happens to everyone. Until you seek recovery for codependency, you will likely behave in self-defeating ways which come from a place of low self-esteem, guilt for taking care of your needs, fear of abandonment, and anxiety/obsession around the addict in your life.
So we are glad you are here. We have good reading material linked up under the STICKY labels on our opening page. Read about codependency and then decide what you want to do about yours.
In your town there will be Al-Anon meetings, maybe Codependents Anonymous and Nar-Anon meetings. Those will turn you in the right direction. They have great free materials and it feels good to sit and listen to people who have some sanity.
You have addictive disease. You have taken responsibility for that and you have made a decision to live your life based on your core values. When you were under the influence, you could not live a life based on those values because in addiction you lost your freedom.
But now you are free. Free to live according to your deepest principles and that means living free of shame and free of dishonesty.
We know how hard it is, how paralyzing it can be, to be in relationship with an addict and to be afraid to make significant changes.
But you'll have to take responsibility for your codependency--just another facet of the disease of addiction--and when you do, you will not only be able to solve the problems you face now, you will experience how good it feels to be know people who want to grow, just as you want to, and to hold their heads high.
So welcome to SR.
The core problem is not the jungle out back or the zombie friends.
The problem is that he is an addict.
Your problem then is codependency. It is inevitable that you will be codependent in any relationship with an addict. It happens to everyone. Until you seek recovery for codependency, you will likely behave in self-defeating ways which come from a place of low self-esteem, guilt for taking care of your needs, fear of abandonment, and anxiety/obsession around the addict in your life.
So we are glad you are here. We have good reading material linked up under the STICKY labels on our opening page. Read about codependency and then decide what you want to do about yours.
In your town there will be Al-Anon meetings, maybe Codependents Anonymous and Nar-Anon meetings. Those will turn you in the right direction. They have great free materials and it feels good to sit and listen to people who have some sanity.
You have addictive disease. You have taken responsibility for that and you have made a decision to live your life based on your core values. When you were under the influence, you could not live a life based on those values because in addiction you lost your freedom.
But now you are free. Free to live according to your deepest principles and that means living free of shame and free of dishonesty.
We know how hard it is, how paralyzing it can be, to be in relationship with an addict and to be afraid to make significant changes.
But you'll have to take responsibility for your codependency--just another facet of the disease of addiction--and when you do, you will not only be able to solve the problems you face now, you will experience how good it feels to be know people who want to grow, just as you want to, and to hold their heads high.
So welcome to SR.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
listen to what you're instincts are saying. they will guide you. you do sounds like a strong woman who has a clear vision in what she wants and does not want in her life. if your husband and you do not share the same vision for your futures, then it might be time to think of spreading those wings and lose the dead weight.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,071
Thank you so much for all of your kind replies. I've read codependent no more several times (I come from a crazy family, big surprise, right?). I always found the principles in it relatively easy to apply when it came to my family. It's harder this time. I feel so weak and cowardly. Of course what's going on between us is a big secret from everyone else. At least with my family, other people could see how sick it all was. How do you gather the courage to stand up for yourself?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
How do you gather the courage to stand up for yourself?
You tell us :ghug3
Read what you wrote about your life , honey you are so strong. You have overcome so much.
One day at a time. It's so scary, but you have what it takes to come through this.
How did you gather the courage to become the healthy you today. Wow, you have a lot to share with all of us.
It will all be revealed to you. I'm so sorry you are hurting.
you are in my thoughts Katie
You tell us :ghug3
Read what you wrote about your life , honey you are so strong. You have overcome so much.
One day at a time. It's so scary, but you have what it takes to come through this.
How did you gather the courage to become the healthy you today. Wow, you have a lot to share with all of us.
It will all be revealed to you. I'm so sorry you are hurting.
you are in my thoughts Katie
Not The Way way, Just the way
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: US
Posts: 1,413
Originally Posted by GirlFromCO 
Thank you so much for all of your kind replies. I've read codependent no more several times (I come from a crazy family, big surprise, right?). I always found the principles in it relatively easy to apply when it came to my family. It's harder this time. I feel so weak and cowardly. Of course what's going on between us is a big secret from everyone else. At least with my family, other people could see how sick it all was. How do you gather the courage to stand up for yourself?
Maybe wait on the "big player" stuff for a bit, and get him to do something you both like in the morning and ask him to wait on taking the first hit until you're back from that hike in the mountains, for instance. Dang, how I'd love to have a mountain over here!
I would think one specific agreement you could make would be the expectation from each other of "OK, I really want to be honest about what I'm feeling and thinking about _______" so neither of you would feel you had to muster up a defensive sort of courage in discussing opinions about your future. Maybe set up a time every week for this, preferably when he's not zonked out.
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Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: not sure
Posts: 452
You are a bright young lady. You have to be to have accomplished what you have and realize you don't want that life.
My biggest concern about your post is that when you put your foot down, it was the biggest mistake of your life. I hope he isn't physically abusive to you. The rest is bad enough.
You do whatever you need to do to take good care of yourself! I'm glad you came here to share. You will find many caring people here.
My biggest concern about your post is that when you put your foot down, it was the biggest mistake of your life. I hope he isn't physically abusive to you. The rest is bad enough.
You do whatever you need to do to take good care of yourself! I'm glad you came here to share. You will find many caring people here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,071
Originally Posted by washbe2
My biggest concern about your post is that when you put your foot down, it was the biggest mistake of your life. I hope he isn't physically abusive to you. The rest is bad enough.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Sober, I don't think I would have done that. In fact, I quit drinking and escorting at the same time.
Just reading your posts here tell me as long as you are not drinking, you can trust your instincts. Just as I can.
I am glad you are here, but sorry for the reason.
You have received a lot of great ideas, but I want to know about the courage one too.
Sigh......
Beth
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