pacificsunrise

i am not sure how many of you feel the same way, but i find it so irritating that my AH is perceived as such a nice guy. he is high functioning and more than likely just about noone would suspect that he uses cocaine or whatever else (we've been separated for over a year now).

i know that i cannot do anything about his denial. he has always been such a nice person towards everyone. in a way, it's like he almost is being too nice in order to compensate for the truth. it is annoying to me b/c deep down i know that it's not the truth. it makes me feel like i am the perpetrator and he is the victim here. "i don't allow him to see the kids", "i left him when he needed me", "just let him know if we need anything"(coming from someone who is not even paying his child support like he should), etc, etc.

i am not sure what am i actually asking for. all of this has already been covered and talked about. i guess, i just needed to vent. thank you all for all the support.

hugs and hope.

story74

I'm in the same boat. When everything about his addiction and cheating and abandonment happened pretty much EVERYONE was saying "but its him. He is such a great person. Why won't she let hime take the kid?" They had no clue and believed him when he told them he was done with cocaine...lmao! This is a man with NO self discipline, but can quit just like that. He was embarassed and trying to save face. I deleted anyone and everyone who had anything to do with him. They were all in denial, and none of them had empathy, compassion or sympathy. Somehow, I was the angry woman. Whatever. I surround myself with people who know the truth and understand what I have gone thru. I lost a lot of mutal friends, but I don't care. I am rebuilding my life, am free and am finding some really wonderful people to surround myself with. His family is a mess. Half are in denial and the other half accept he is an addict. My xah even made me feel guilty saying our son would end up resenting me bc I have held him away from him. I questioned myself for a second, but this couldn't be farther from the truth. Just another manipulation by my addict in denial. Oh, and his mom came to visit in march and he TOTALLY snowed her. She actually had enough balls to tell me that she wasn't sure if he was addict. He abandoned his family and left us to starve. Denial is VERY powerful. And my xah is VERY charming. People LOVE him! I just don't care what anyone thinks anymore, bc the people who lived it with me know that I have done the right things. Addiction is very evil. There are so many different shades of gray and so much ambiguity...especially if the addict is in denial.

Get those toxic people out of your life. Chin up. You are doing what is best for you and your children. Those jerks have no clue what mess we are cleaning up emotionaly and financially. They are selfish pople. We are in the trenches. We are cleaning up the destruction.

Blessings.

tjp613

OMG YES!!! My 1st husband was an alcoholic and emotionally abusive, especially when drunk....which was about 5 days a week. He also hit me a couple of times and once had me on the floor choking me. BUT.... everyone loved him!! NOBODY ever saw the abusive side but me! To this day I still don't think my own sister believes that he was ever anything but perfect and that there must be something terribly wrong with me to leave such a wonderful man.

I feel ya, sister.

lightseeker

I feel you too.....it really triggers me to hear what a nice person my ex is and what a great sense of humor he has. I knew a completely different person.

I've had similar experiences with family members and it really does sting...badly. I read a book called "The Sociopath Next Door" and it helped me to see and understand exactly what he does to create this illusion of being a great guy.

When I hear those nice things I momentarily can get "sick" again and second guess myself.....playing the tape out really helps me. Abuse is insidious and it has surprised me to learn how much it's tentacles can get ahold of me at times even a year later.


Thinking about you - you are not alone.

Ann

Addiction does strange things to our loved ones.

I remember a time when my husband and I were trying to calm our son down as he was more than angry, raging would be more like it and totally out of control to the point of being frightening. The phone rang and it was his girlfriend...he immediately swung into the sweet nice young man, had a loving calm conversation with her, hung up and went right into "rage" mode again. I have never seen anything like it before or since but it showed me that addiction wears many faces and sadly, we see the worst one.

I have learned that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of our addicted loved ones, no matter how normal they may appear we know in our hearts the truth. As sad as that may be sometimes, I have learned that others don't have to know or agree with what my heart knows to be true, I know and that keeps me safe.

Hugs

pacificsunrise

thank you guys for responding.

i guess the reason that it is irritating to me is because it makes me doubt my decisions. now it has been a long time since we left and in a way i have to remind myself of the negative things that have happened. and i almost have to do in on a daily basis, just to have some peace of mind (talk about an addiction, lol).

story74 - you sound great and i admire your courage and strength. thank you for the encouragement. our husbands (or ex) sound so much alike. you are right, so charming. everyone loves my husband also. i am the one w/ barely any friends, the evil one that does not let him see the kids, the "depressed" one, and so on. his family's reaction also suprised me. now that i look back at his family, i can see how dysfunctional they are and in a way it is a blessing that my kids have nothing to do w/ any of them. i hate to say this, b/c i have always enjoyed visiting his family. they have also made no real effort to see the kids since the split. how sad. my AH also makes a point of trying to make me feel guilty about him not seeing the kids or talking to them on the phone. i have to fight w/ myself to justify it, but i know that it is the right decision. i just don't "believe it" all the time when my codie monster shows up. once again, thank you so much. my blessings are with you and your son. people like you give me strengt to go on. hugs and hope to you.

tjp613 - thank you for responding. that is so disturbing that they are able to fool even the people closest to us. my family had and still pretty much has no clue about the addiction and how it works. i get upset every so often w/ them for talking or texting w/ my AH, but then on the days that i'm smarter, i tell myself "who cares about what they do" and go on about my business. i don't have complete trust in my family when it comes to what is best for me or my kids anyways. they try to help, but their help has proven to be disastrous for me in the past. thank you for your encouragement.

lightseeker - thanks for always being there for me. so sorry to know about what you are going thru. yes, the second guessing. i do it all the time. about everything, not just my AH. i hate it. and the tentacles of abuse, so nicely put, i can get myself so jumbled up just hearing his voice or my family talking to me about him is enough to mess me up for few hours. i need to work on myself much more. thank you for sharing.

Ann - thank you for pointing out that what others think or say does not have to be detrimental to our success. i often struggle w/ this one b/c i have a tendency to desperately seek peoples approval on anything and everything that i do. that is my issue to work on. also, the swith, so true. i get texts from my AH and they are like night and day, yet only few hours apart. thank you for keeping up w/ me. hugs and hope.

thank you everyone for your input. it is greatly appreciated. blessings to all of you and everyone struggling w/ addiction and its effects. love you all.