my love relapsed. now what?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2
my love relapsed. now what?
Yesterday was a roller coaster. My boyfriend of a little over a year, who I am completely head over heels in love with and trying to plan a future together just relapsed on opiates.
first, a little re-cap of my year: met boy, fell in love SO fast (like no one I have ever met before, ever!), started acting weird, lies, found out he had an addiction problem with oxy's, more lies, later found out he was shooting oxy's, even more lies and secrecy, stealing money from me, manipulation, everything you read about that addicts do, I have been though, he eventually put himself through IOP and completed without using for about 4 months and has been taking suboxone daily. So proud of him.
Now it's been about 4 months since his IOP and the strange behavior and just that gut feeling like something hasn't been right is happening again. Like he just hasn't been talking about how he is feeling and just the little things like that, I can't really pin-point anything specific, it's just THAT feeling ya know? I talk with him all the time and try to let him know that honesty is the best policy (corny line-but so true), whether it be brutal or good, its the secrecy and lies that are more hurtful than the actual drug use itself. Anyway.. back to the story, My suspicion grew and I've been periodically checking his phone the last couple weeks (I HATE being "that girl" that has to look at his phone, but what am I supposed to do!? just believe him after everything he's put me through..yeah ok). But I found some messages asking people for drugs- said he was letting his friend use his phone bc he ran into him at the store and he didn't have a phone so he let his friend use his. anyway, even if that were true, YOU JUST COMPLETED IOP, WHY THE F*** are you driving your "friends" to get drugs. and letting them use your phone and put the bug in your ear. such a bad idea but whatever. Then a few days later there was a message from a girl that he met at iop that said something along the lines of this: "sorry that **** didn't get you guys that f*** up, i meant to give you the uncut bag, come over later and i'll get you both rocked" and that was it, so obviously he deleted whatever the past conversation was between them. I instantly confronted him and he said he bought some coke off her to sell and make some quick cash because he is beyond in debt from the past drug use and he tried just a little bump to try it (it's the first time he's done coke since like college, he's 24 now and that was never the issue with his drug addiction, but STILL!) He didn't think it would be a big deal and he just needed a little cash, so why not? after this little whirlwind I knew it wouldn't be long until he was lying about shooting up again. annnd I was right.
Yesterday, I was waiting around for him to come home from work and I was driving around doing errands, I was literally on the phone with him and he was saying he was almost back, probably 10-15 min until he was back in town, and who do I see drive by me at that moment; my wonderful boyfriend with some guy in the passenger seat. I was BEYOND furious, like shaking so pissed off that I'm pretty sure i yelled f** you and flipped him off. and had an anxiety attack and started bawling seconds later. funny how emotions are SO strong sometimes. I don't know why but I decided to go see him (we are not living together) so we could talk and listen to his excuse this time. Of course, he was driving another "buddy" around to get drugs bc they don't have a car. I was just like is there ANYTHING else you would like to get off your chest because i'm all ears and I asked to look at his arms and that's when he finally confessed that he messed up. 4 new track marks on his healed up scars. all the hard work, just gone. He broke down in tears and I can tell he hates himself for relapsing, but at the same time, it's like, well the past 2 weeks have been nothing but sketchy behavior, pretty much had it coming (I didn't say this to him but def thinking it).
Now I know I'm putting myself in this situation and I should just run away, but when he's sober, he's amazing, we're just so perfect for each other it's weird, i've never had a connection with anyone like him before. I just can not turn my back on him, I care and love him way too much, and I know he loves me, I'm pretty much all he has and he tells me all the time that i'm his angel and he needs me and can't do this alone and I know he cares about me but this is just so hard. I've never been through this before, and I as much pain as he puts me through, I feel like it will be worth it in the end, it's just so sad to watch him struggle. I know he wants to be sober, like I can just tell from the look in his eyes, it's genuine ya know?
will i ever trust him again? will there be a point where i don't feel like I need to look through his things just to prove it to myself that he's being honest?
How do I talk to him about his relapse? how do we move on from here? so confused/lost/angry/sad/pretty much every emotion.
first, a little re-cap of my year: met boy, fell in love SO fast (like no one I have ever met before, ever!), started acting weird, lies, found out he had an addiction problem with oxy's, more lies, later found out he was shooting oxy's, even more lies and secrecy, stealing money from me, manipulation, everything you read about that addicts do, I have been though, he eventually put himself through IOP and completed without using for about 4 months and has been taking suboxone daily. So proud of him.
Now it's been about 4 months since his IOP and the strange behavior and just that gut feeling like something hasn't been right is happening again. Like he just hasn't been talking about how he is feeling and just the little things like that, I can't really pin-point anything specific, it's just THAT feeling ya know? I talk with him all the time and try to let him know that honesty is the best policy (corny line-but so true), whether it be brutal or good, its the secrecy and lies that are more hurtful than the actual drug use itself. Anyway.. back to the story, My suspicion grew and I've been periodically checking his phone the last couple weeks (I HATE being "that girl" that has to look at his phone, but what am I supposed to do!? just believe him after everything he's put me through..yeah ok). But I found some messages asking people for drugs- said he was letting his friend use his phone bc he ran into him at the store and he didn't have a phone so he let his friend use his. anyway, even if that were true, YOU JUST COMPLETED IOP, WHY THE F*** are you driving your "friends" to get drugs. and letting them use your phone and put the bug in your ear. such a bad idea but whatever. Then a few days later there was a message from a girl that he met at iop that said something along the lines of this: "sorry that **** didn't get you guys that f*** up, i meant to give you the uncut bag, come over later and i'll get you both rocked" and that was it, so obviously he deleted whatever the past conversation was between them. I instantly confronted him and he said he bought some coke off her to sell and make some quick cash because he is beyond in debt from the past drug use and he tried just a little bump to try it (it's the first time he's done coke since like college, he's 24 now and that was never the issue with his drug addiction, but STILL!) He didn't think it would be a big deal and he just needed a little cash, so why not? after this little whirlwind I knew it wouldn't be long until he was lying about shooting up again. annnd I was right.
Yesterday, I was waiting around for him to come home from work and I was driving around doing errands, I was literally on the phone with him and he was saying he was almost back, probably 10-15 min until he was back in town, and who do I see drive by me at that moment; my wonderful boyfriend with some guy in the passenger seat. I was BEYOND furious, like shaking so pissed off that I'm pretty sure i yelled f** you and flipped him off. and had an anxiety attack and started bawling seconds later. funny how emotions are SO strong sometimes. I don't know why but I decided to go see him (we are not living together) so we could talk and listen to his excuse this time. Of course, he was driving another "buddy" around to get drugs bc they don't have a car. I was just like is there ANYTHING else you would like to get off your chest because i'm all ears and I asked to look at his arms and that's when he finally confessed that he messed up. 4 new track marks on his healed up scars. all the hard work, just gone. He broke down in tears and I can tell he hates himself for relapsing, but at the same time, it's like, well the past 2 weeks have been nothing but sketchy behavior, pretty much had it coming (I didn't say this to him but def thinking it).
Now I know I'm putting myself in this situation and I should just run away, but when he's sober, he's amazing, we're just so perfect for each other it's weird, i've never had a connection with anyone like him before. I just can not turn my back on him, I care and love him way too much, and I know he loves me, I'm pretty much all he has and he tells me all the time that i'm his angel and he needs me and can't do this alone and I know he cares about me but this is just so hard. I've never been through this before, and I as much pain as he puts me through, I feel like it will be worth it in the end, it's just so sad to watch him struggle. I know he wants to be sober, like I can just tell from the look in his eyes, it's genuine ya know?
will i ever trust him again? will there be a point where i don't feel like I need to look through his things just to prove it to myself that he's being honest?
How do I talk to him about his relapse? how do we move on from here? so confused/lost/angry/sad/pretty much every emotion.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
10 ways an addict hooks a woman:
1. Tells her she's an angel.
2. Tells her he doesn't deserve her.
3. Cries.
4. Tells her she's the only good thing in his life.
5. Makes plans for the future with her.
6. Describes the house, the kids, the dog.
7. Dissolves every healthy boundary she ever had by repeating the above when necessary.
8. Then tells her she's messed up (many variations on this).
9. Lies (many variations).
10. Gets loaded (consistently).
Replays until she wakes up.
You need a good guy. He is not an amazing connection, he is an illusion. Amazing connections never happen with addicts.
Hope you will get away.
1. Tells her she's an angel.
2. Tells her he doesn't deserve her.
3. Cries.
4. Tells her she's the only good thing in his life.
5. Makes plans for the future with her.
6. Describes the house, the kids, the dog.
7. Dissolves every healthy boundary she ever had by repeating the above when necessary.
8. Then tells her she's messed up (many variations on this).
9. Lies (many variations).
10. Gets loaded (consistently).
Replays until she wakes up.
You need a good guy. He is not an amazing connection, he is an illusion. Amazing connections never happen with addicts.
Hope you will get away.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Sounds like you are head over heels in love with a hopeful fantasy of the guy you want him to be. The reality is, he's an addict doing what addicts do.
Is there some reason why addiction makes lying OK with you?
There is absolutely nothing you can say or do that will keep him clean or cause him to relapse. You are not that powerful. None iof us are. If all it took was love, none of us would be here.
Trying to plan a future with an addict is a contridiction.
Is there some reason why addiction makes lying OK with you?
There is absolutely nothing you can say or do that will keep him clean or cause him to relapse. You are not that powerful. None iof us are. If all it took was love, none of us would be here.
Trying to plan a future with an addict is a contridiction.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2
to both- thank you. it just sucks. and it hurts. so much. someone you had such great expectations from to just keep breaking your heart a little more each time. I feel so stupid. It should be so easy to simply walk away and it's not 
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Welcome to SR. I am glad you found us but sorry for the reason you
had to. You have found a great place with lots of Experience, Strength,
and Hope (ES&H) from folks who have been where you are, or are
where you are.
Hate to tell you this but since the most he has had is 4 months clean you do NOT
know the sober him. AT 4 months the fog is just starting to clear and he still would
have no clue as to who he is, what he s, what he wants out of life, etc all you know
is the addict, full blown at that,
Read around this forum, be sure to read 'the sticks' on the front page of this forum.
As you read around this forum and the different threads you will see this over and
over, I believe it is in the addict's/alcoholic's handbook (joking). This is part of the
STANDARD MANIPULATION of an addict, commonly called QUACKING.
He does not know if he loves you, as he doesn't even love himself.
Addicts/alcoholics do not get into relationships, they TAKE HOSTAGES.
No, you cannot help him. When he finally gets serious, if he ever does, he will find
a program and work it like his life depended on it, because it does.
Please for your own peace and serenity, step away from the addict, go NO CONTACT
if you can, and then when he has been sober and clean for a year, see if his actions
match his words.
I would suggest that you try at least 6 different Alanon and/or Naranon meetings to
start working on you, and/or some one on one counseling, and work a program for yourself that you would like to see him work.
J M H O based on my personal experience and my many years of working with both
A's and codependents.
Please keep posting and let us know how you're doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
had to. You have found a great place with lots of Experience, Strength,
and Hope (ES&H) from folks who have been where you are, or are
where you are.
but when he's sober, he's amazing, we're just so perfect for each other it's weird, i've never had a connection with anyone like him before.
know the sober him. AT 4 months the fog is just starting to clear and he still would
have no clue as to who he is, what he s, what he wants out of life, etc all you know
is the addict, full blown at that,
Read around this forum, be sure to read 'the sticks' on the front page of this forum.
I just can not turn my back on him, I care and love him way too much, and I know he loves me, I'm pretty much all he has and he tells me all the time that i'm his angel and he needs me and can't do this alone and I know he cares about me but this is just so hard.
over, I believe it is in the addict's/alcoholic's handbook (joking). This is part of the
STANDARD MANIPULATION of an addict, commonly called QUACKING.
He does not know if he loves you, as he doesn't even love himself.
Addicts/alcoholics do not get into relationships, they TAKE HOSTAGES.
No, you cannot help him. When he finally gets serious, if he ever does, he will find
a program and work it like his life depended on it, because it does.
Please for your own peace and serenity, step away from the addict, go NO CONTACT
if you can, and then when he has been sober and clean for a year, see if his actions
match his words.
I would suggest that you try at least 6 different Alanon and/or Naranon meetings to
start working on you, and/or some one on one counseling, and work a program for yourself that you would like to see him work.
J M H O based on my personal experience and my many years of working with both
A's and codependents.
Please keep posting and let us know how you're doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
It should be so easy to simply walk away and it's not
The REALITY is his 'potential' is not there until he finds recovery, Doesn't
sound like that will be anytime soon.
Meetings and/or counseling will help you to LET GO.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: the shire
Posts: 379
Originally Posted by amigoingcrazy 
it just sucks. and it hurts. so much. someone you had such great expectations from to just keep breaking your heart a little more each time. I feel so stupid. It should be so easy to simply walk away and it's not
after i stopped enabling him, he just went to the next girl which is his hs friend who is a recovering coke addict, alcoholic and weed smoker...i never did smoke nor do drugs in my life...go figure.
its a roller coaster ride...and i feel you, its hard to walk away....if he didnt break up with me, id still probably be with him...believing his lies and manipulation.
take care of you first.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 134
I so feel for you. I'm sorry you're going through this.
I went through a very similar situation with my boyfriend (although it was heroin that he was shooting)
I understand what it's like to not want to walk away. I sure as hell didn't want to walk away from the guy I loved, the guy I had a life with...
But the harsh reality of addiction is that when the addict is actively using, their drug of choice will come before anything else. And yes, that means the drug is coming before you too.
I guess what you should be asking yourself is, are you willing to take a backseat to a drug? Are you willing to be second in his life?
My life was completely turned upside down because of someone else's addiction, because I allowed it to happen. You don't have to go down that road. Think about what's best for YOU. He's a big boy and will handle himself.
I promise you, YOU WILL NOT BE THE ONE TO SAVE HIM.
I know the idea of being that one person that can help him is so incredibly intoxicating. I wanted to play that role so bad. But the truth is, you can't help him. He needs to want it. You can't love the addiction out of him.
There's no cure for addiction. It can only be controlled. And it can only be controlled if the addict works a recovery program like their lives depend on it...because their life will depend on how strong their recovery program is.
You need to ask yourself if you're willing to live this life everyday.
I went through a very similar situation with my boyfriend (although it was heroin that he was shooting)
I understand what it's like to not want to walk away. I sure as hell didn't want to walk away from the guy I loved, the guy I had a life with...
But the harsh reality of addiction is that when the addict is actively using, their drug of choice will come before anything else. And yes, that means the drug is coming before you too.
I guess what you should be asking yourself is, are you willing to take a backseat to a drug? Are you willing to be second in his life?
My life was completely turned upside down because of someone else's addiction, because I allowed it to happen. You don't have to go down that road. Think about what's best for YOU. He's a big boy and will handle himself.
I promise you, YOU WILL NOT BE THE ONE TO SAVE HIM.
I know the idea of being that one person that can help him is so incredibly intoxicating. I wanted to play that role so bad. But the truth is, you can't help him. He needs to want it. You can't love the addiction out of him.
There's no cure for addiction. It can only be controlled. And it can only be controlled if the addict works a recovery program like their lives depend on it...because their life will depend on how strong their recovery program is.
You need to ask yourself if you're willing to live this life everyday.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 513
Time to move on.
I once had a really intoxicating relationship with an addict. A physically gorgeous, charismatic man who told me all of the same things he told you. It took me years to get over that fantasy. YEARS. Now I realize, after he's been married and divorced within a couple of months, isn't sober, is a regular cheater - I feel like he's a sociopath without any guilt for the way he destroys every woman in his path. He's doing coke ("but that was never his problem..." Come on, get real, he is not sober if he recently got out of treatment and is doing any drugs), he says he is helping friends pick up and selling, you find track marks, the lies - it's time to move on. Grieve like you need to grieve to get over it, feel the pain, and heal - but don't waste another minute getting further enmeshed into the web before you can't figure out which way is up.
I once had a really intoxicating relationship with an addict. A physically gorgeous, charismatic man who told me all of the same things he told you. It took me years to get over that fantasy. YEARS. Now I realize, after he's been married and divorced within a couple of months, isn't sober, is a regular cheater - I feel like he's a sociopath without any guilt for the way he destroys every woman in his path. He's doing coke ("but that was never his problem..." Come on, get real, he is not sober if he recently got out of treatment and is doing any drugs), he says he is helping friends pick up and selling, you find track marks, the lies - it's time to move on. Grieve like you need to grieve to get over it, feel the pain, and heal - but don't waste another minute getting further enmeshed into the web before you can't figure out which way is up.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 513
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden
10 ways an addict hooks a woman:
1. Tells her she's an angel.
2. Tells her he doesn't deserve her.
3. Cries.
4. Tells her she's the only good thing in his life.
5. Makes plans for the future with her.
6. Describes the house, the kids, the dog.
7. Dissolves every healthy boundary she ever had by repeating the above when necessary.
8. Then tells her she's messed up (many variations on this).
9. Lies (many variations).
10. Gets loaded (consistently).
Replays until she wakes up.
You need a good guy. He is not an amazing connection, he is an illusion. Amazing connections never happen with addicts.
Hope you will get away.
1. Tells her she's an angel.
2. Tells her he doesn't deserve her.
3. Cries.
4. Tells her she's the only good thing in his life.
5. Makes plans for the future with her.
6. Describes the house, the kids, the dog.
7. Dissolves every healthy boundary she ever had by repeating the above when necessary.
8. Then tells her she's messed up (many variations on this).
9. Lies (many variations).
10. Gets loaded (consistently).
Replays until she wakes up.
You need a good guy. He is not an amazing connection, he is an illusion. Amazing connections never happen with addicts.
Hope you will get away.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,393
Look at it this way. What do you hope to accomplish by checking his phone? To prove he is a liar? To prove you were right? To prove you are smarter than he is? You are not changing him. You are turning yourself into that girl. Run away. Stay away.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 324
What would you tell your best friend to do if she came to you with something like this?
Would you tell her to support him no matter what the cost to her own sanity and self-respect?
Would you try to slap some sense into her?
If you do leave, it doesn't have to be forever.
If he somehow gets a year in active recovery, you could try it again armed with knowledge of addiction and codependency.
Or you may have moved on to a better life...
Would you tell her to support him no matter what the cost to her own sanity and self-respect?
Would you try to slap some sense into her?
If you do leave, it doesn't have to be forever.
If he somehow gets a year in active recovery, you could try it again armed with knowledge of addiction and codependency.
Or you may have moved on to a better life...
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