GirlFromCO

You used drugs - sounds like the definition of a drug user to me. Why do you trust this guy more than your parents? Seems to me like they might have a helpful perspective on this. They only care about you so you know they'll have your back no matter what. Your boyfriend, on the other hand, well who knows what he cares about? Sort of seems like he cares only about himself right now.

You're right, this is sad. A girl died and you're more worried about the guy involved in it than the truth about what happened to the dead chick. Which is bad enough by itself, but just sick and sad when you think about the girl and her choices and where she came from and realize how that could really easily be you next time, and might be considering how willing you seem to believe whatever comes out of this guys mouth and do whatever he asks you to do against your better judgement.

If it was happening to you right now how would you even know it? You wouldn't because you trust him too much. What has he done to earn your trust, anyway? It ain't so hard to end up as a ho, trust me, I've done it. It's pretty easy to OD too. If it were you that died, would you want his next gf to sit around in her bikini worrying about HIM or would you want her to put her damn clothes on and run away as fast as she could?

Just sayin.

Bristolgirl07

Hi PinkChampagne
The first thing I'd say is that if you are convinced that he had nothing to do with the death of the girl then you've nothing to worry about. It did strike me when I first read your post that you were worrying needlessly because you seem so sure that he is innocent of any involvement.

Secondly, the police will be eliminating people who were involved with the girl around the time of her death. They might be questioning him for a while so that they can establish if they can eliminate him so don't worry about the time it's taking.

The guy I was seeing - that I've referred to in a couple of other threads that I've started - told me that he dealt drugs all through university (and he's not ashamed of it. I suspect he might still be doing a bit of low level dealing now). I didn't want to know that he'd funded his way through uni by dealing. He asked me why it bothered me so much when it was a long time ago and I said that it was because it told me something about the kind of person he is. People could have died or become addicted from the drugs he sold them and he isn't sorry for doing this.

I wonder if part of your worry comes from feeling uncomfortable about your boyfriend's past life as I did with my "ex" (if I can call him that, given that the relationship was so short). I accept that you say he isn't like that now but it's possible that you do feel uncomfortable with the person that he was - and could be again.

I do think it's possible to change. My own brothers, as I mentioned in my other thread, are now both family men and don't touch drugs except for the occasional beer. My older brother used to take various things but now goes to bed at 9.30pm every night so he can get up with my gorgeous nephew at 6am. The only social activity he does is go to a badminton club twice a week! My younger brother is more interested in his remote control car racing now than smoking weed. So I do think some people grow out of it and I hope that's the case with your boyfriend.

I do think that some of the advice you've been given above is wise though. It may be sensible to prepare yourself for the fact that your boyfriend may be more involved than you originally thought. Hopefully that's not the case though.

Please keep posting!

Katiekate

You really should contact your family and let them know where you are.

At the very least.

lesliej

why would he have wanted to "help clean up" one girl who had already made the choice to use, who he was having sex with

but then try to get the new "already clean girl" to try using drugs...saying the sex would be better

what is he? a savior or a pusher?

I agree with the idea of googling his names and looking for arrest records...but then again that might be just contributing to the obsession that is emerging...trying to "see inside" the world of addiction

dollydo

"Oh no, I cant tell my paretns they would flip out and tell me to break it off with him."

Smart parents, they have the maturity to understand, you do not...not telling them will catch up with you...it always does.

And yes, google his arrest record....you may be surprised.

Lenina

Pink champagne,

as a woman, I recommend that you always have your own "get home" money in a safe place on you. A subway token, bus pass, train or plane fare. Always be able to take care of yourself in this way. Please do not depend on other people, especially boy friends. Be your own person.

Love from Lenina

pinkchampagne

He just called me and said he is at the attorney office with his dad. He said everything was ok and I asked him if it was all over and he said not exactly but he would explain later and would be home soon. I started crying and he was baby talking me trying to make me feel better and said it would all be ok.

Bristolgirl, Maybe you are right and it just takes a long time to go through this process. I mean police don’t work quick and I know they don’t care about his schedule. Thank you for sharing what you did and maybe you are right. I didn’t tell my parents about his past or this situation because it does make me really uncomfortable. I don’t approve of drug use, but Im not condemning someone for using every now and then. Like what happened when I tried the coke with him.

People asked and we have been together a year, and we live together. My parents know him and they adore him but they don’t know anything about drugs and if we get through this they wont have to know.

I mean you guys make me feel bad because I tried the coke on a weekend almost a year ago and NEVER again. But he didn’t make me do it and he was high when he said the stuff about sex being good with coke. I mean I don’t think he was lying it was pretty amazing. But he didn’t lead me down a road I didn’t go. I mean I got drunk once too with my girlfriends and we were at a bar. They told me I was so wasted that I was ready to go home with this ugly old guy, but they had my back and it didn’t happen. Im not sure if any of that is true because they I think wanted to freak me out about how I was drunk. Like wearing a lampshade kind of thing.

But you know so ok I have been drunk that time in college, and I tried drugs with my boyfriend, and I have been de-flowered too. But Im mean these things happen and it doesn’t ruin you for life.
I don’t know when he will be back I will try to do that search on the internet and find out who Natalie Holloway is. I think she was a girl that disappeared or something.

My parents do know where I am, and I have my phone with me. I talk to my mom this morning and I told her I was going to be by the pool today and I didn’t lie. I was Crying my eyes out and pacing and doing laps to exhaust myself but I was by the pool.

Cynical one, how do you know all this stuff to look up crime. Are you a cop or something?

Lesliej, My boyfriend didn’t push drugs on her. I never said that. I think he did try to help her just because he wasn’t in live with her, and he used her kind of , that doesn’t mean he wasn’t looking out for her and trying to help her. She was in bad shape right or she would not have overdosed. My boyfriend is really caring about people and he would try to help her I believe that.

If I have to fly home then I will use a credit card. I have my own and I have one of my dads so there is enough credit for anything I might need to do. I wouldn’t feel safe carrying around a thousand dollars for cars and planes and all that.

Ann

Okay, whoa Nellie. I've cleaned up some posts that break the above rule and ask you all to take a deep breath and pause before you post. If your post is missing, it is because of the above rule.

We are here to share our pain and to give support or receive it. We are not Ann Landers, we are codependents in recovery and we do best here when we share our own experience, strength and hope...what worked for us.

There is some terrific recovery coming through many of the posts here, these are the posts most likely to be read by the original poster.

People listen more closely to a whisper than a scream, so walk softly, speak softly and share what worked for you. The original poster can then know that if she wants what you have, she can do what you did to find it.

Thank you for listening, now please let's get back to the original poster's pain...or move on to another thread if this one triggers the worst in you...I have a few of those myself sometimes and the best plan is to just move on.

lesliej

I didn't mean that he pushed drugs on her.

I said...he claims to have tried to "clean up" the girl who was already on drugs (her)...

but then offers (pushes) drugs on the girl who isn't already on drugs (you).

see the disconnect in reasoning? that's part of the reason why I don't believe his version of history that he is feeding you. why in the world would he try to clean up one girl...supposedly...only to try to turn another one on, who is so innocent to drugs.

this is a world that you do not have to know. there is no reason for you to become familiar with what we know here...there are a million charming beautiful men out there who do not have this past as part of who they ARE

Jody675

pinkchampagne, thats actually funny that your bf used that line on you...the sex would be better if we were high. mine wanted me to try LSD because having sex while high was so much better...man i must be really bad in bed if is wanting me to take acid to make it better. personally i think he just wanted me to try it so he would feel more comfortable using it in front of me. kind of like making subtle changes to bring his world of drugs into the life we were building. you would think that knowing how bad a life on drugs is, that you would want those who mean the world to you to stay well clear of that scene, no matter how harmless they say the drug is.

this seems a very common thing for people who are still taking drugs to use on us not so savvy non drug users. and how special it would be if we could share his drug passion. thankfully i listened to my gut instinct and said thanks but no thanks, and thank goodness i have found this site to find out that has helped me open up my eyes to the type of manipulation my bf is trying on me. whether he is aware of it or not. he also doesn't lie upfront, but he does lie through omission. gives me part truths. i guess if he truly loved me then he wouldn't want me to be part of that world. he would put my safety and wellbeing first. the fact that he still hangs out with his drug using friends and uses with them, means he still wants to use. from the stories i hear from on here, a person in recovery cuts all connections to those friends in order to help remove temptation. i have been with my bf for 6months pink and i still wouldn't say i know about his past. all i know is that he isn't proud of it, that it was pretty dark, and that it contained a lot of drugs. listen to what everyone here is trying to tell you. listen to your instincts telling you that something is wrong. i hate the idea of breaking up with a guy who does have lots of great qualities, but i have more to lose by staying with him. you are young. if you are too ashamed to tell your family about his past, then there is something wrong. if he is as great as you say he is, then they will see it as a strength that he has come through some very tough times and made a much better life for himself. the reason we don't tend to want to tell someone something is that we are too scared to hear the answers that are already in our heads. talk to your parents about what is going on. go home and let him sort out his past. come to your own conclusions. you will not necessarily get straight answers from your bf. he will tell you want he thinks you can handle. because to be honest, it doesn't sound like you want to hear the truth even if it is told you straight up.

good luck and i hope you can get the answers you need.

Justfor1

I'm confused if this is the same poster? But that "shuffling a shopping cart down the street at 2AM with stolen tools" arrest is a shocking example of denial. I mean normal people are just never in that position to begin with. Getting a boyfriend/girlfriend to try drugs is never a loving or kind thing to do. It's like the saying, "misery loves company."

washbe2

As a mom, I would say to listen to what your head is telling you about how your parents would feel if they knew. I assure you, no one loves you more and wants best for you more than your parents. If you are with someone that you know your parents would "freak out" about, it would probably be in your best interest to leave this young man. It is dangerous to be with one who is probably either using or reaping consequences of using.

My son is an active addict. I would tell you the same thing if you were with him. Having much heartache in your future seems likely. Protect yourself and any future children you may have by seeking counsel to help you through this. I care.

Vale

Pink Champaign----Noone on SR is counter to your interests.
But there were times when I was told things I just did not
want to hear.
The overriding mission of SR is the wisdom contained
therein.People who have "been there" and above all things
they do not want to see unnecessary pain repeated time and
time again.......like the horror flick where you are SCREAMING
at the girl "Don't go down in that basement".You know what is
down there and you don't want to see her hurt ( like so many
SR's HAVE been hurt.
It comes down to motive.Can you imagine any circumstance
where this young man says to you. "I hurt that girl , but I
don't want to face the consequences"
It won't happen.I doubt it has happened in the history
of the world.He would be frankly stupid to say that to you.
It would entail ALL COST and zero benefit for him.
People of SR? They have no incentive to lie to you.
I know many of them by their 'handle' ----but I will never
meet any of them in real life.
A Doctor should not ever practice on a family
member--he/she cannot make unbiased professional
decisions where a loved one is involved---SR can give you (dispassionate) good advice.But taking that advice is your prerogative .we live in a free
society and most of us would not have it any other way.
We wish you the best---we really do.
Sometimes I find myself wishing that the SR members
who gently counseled me would have told me what I wanted
to hear----that 'my ' addict was special---and my enabling was
the right thing to do.
Alas,reality always wins.Always.There is not a soul
reading these words that hasn't at one time wished it were
not so.

Jody675

thanks vale they are awesome words that i too need to hear today...and yes i wish people hear would tell me my bf and his occasional use of acid is ok. but that is what is great about all of you, you have no reason to talk from anywhere but experience and the heart. i hope pink hears your concerns and follows her gut. but thats up to her. you can only lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.