rexesmum

Hi everyone, I need some advice and probably just to clarify what I know is right in my mind. I've posted a couple of times before about my XAH, but now the problems with my step-son have arisen once more. (I must attract these people!)

I have been with my current partner for 6 years now and his son who is now nearly 21 has caused all of us trouble almost from the word go. Apparently this type of behaviour was happening right back when he was in primary school, so I wouldn't blame the whole thing on his parents divorce etc. Although that may have made his behaviour worse.

The point of my post is to get your opinions on what to do now. Over the past few years he has been arrested several times, is drinking to excess and is doing drugs in a major way. I had to get a restraining order taken out on him last year because of his behaviour. Obviously he no longer lives with us. He told my partner the other night that he is now dealing drugs and has 'people after him'. Naturally this is upsetting for my partner to hear. He also told my partner that he reckons he needs to go to rehab, but Ive dealt with this before and he is very good at playing the game to gt what he wants. He tells his father what he knows will get him into the 'good books' and then the money starts to be handed out again and his father runs around after him and then, soon after, he stops contacting him and we dont hear from him for months.

I wont have him in our home and he uses this as an excuse for his behaviour, saying that he 'doesnt have a family'. I have given him sevral chances to prove that he wants to change is ways, and every time his poor behaviour returns within a couple of weeks at most. He is verbally abusive and agressive and having lived with a XAH for 16 years who behaved the same way, I dont want to put myself or my daughter in tht position again.

My partner is obviously upset and worried about his son's drug habit and lifestyle and has asked me whether I would change my mind about having him visit our home for a meal etc. I refused.

I need reassurance that I am doing the right thing and also, how do I get the message across to my partner that by giving in to his son every time he wants something, that he isn't actually helping him, he's only encouraging his poor behaviour.

Thanks in advance.


Am I wrong for not wanting him

dollydo

No, you are not wrong. The son is an adult and responsible for his decisions. Dealing drugs can be a dangerous business and you
certainly do not want to be exposed to this side of life.

If your partner wants to see his son he can meet him at a public place. You cannot control what your partner is going to do, however, you can control your end of it.

crazybabie

i believe you know your doing the right thing would your husband consider going to any meetings for himself ? Is it possible you could come here or another site IMO (this, is the site) and not be logged in and maybe show him some of the stickies see if that helps him?

I realize that may not be an option as you are a member here and may not want him seeing anything you post.

rexesmum

Good morning . I've suggested that they meet elsewhere, and that has happened from time to time. But as we know, addicts (be it drugs and/or alcohol) are selfish and tend to only think of themselves. Many times my partner has been let down by his son and now he doesnt even tell me when he is planning to meet with him. I have also tried to share some of the stories and experiences of the people on here, and my own, but I cant seem to get across the fact that he cant change his son's habits by giving him money and running to him constantly. Its a hard lesson to learn, I know, it took me a very long time, but I just dont want to see him go down the same path as I did. In the meantime it causes huge arguments between us and many times we have nearly parted.

dollydo

Well, your partner is in deep denial and appears to be a codependent enabler. Have you suggested that he attend meetings? You can talk until you are blue in the face, and, unfortunately until he gets it, nothing will change. Sorry to say, there are some who never get it.

I do understand how frustrating it must be for you. Wish I had other suggestions.

rexesmum

Its just wonderful to know that I can come on here and vent and get support from other people who are in a similar situation. i dont know whether my partner will ever accept the situation for what it is and I agree that he is a co-dependent enabler - Ive been there myself with my XAH. In the meantime I guess I just have to go along for the ride and hope for the best. Today he and I spent the day together - no kids- and it was great. We had lots of laughs and we both forgot about our worries. I think it did us both a lot of good. Thankyou for listening to me it means an awful lot.