Accountability
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
Accountability
One of the reasons that I come to visit the community here at SR each day is that I want to be accountable to my life through being present here. I have gone for a month now without contact with my exABF. He moved out in October...but we continued to try to "make it work" up until February 14th.
We have had VERY little contact since Feb., and we have not been in a "romantic relationship" whatsoever since then. I thought I could be a friend, I still thought that I could help him as a friend in recovery...
Now, I am finally at that place where I understand why "no contact" works. It has been one month.
I hope that coming here is okay...this has been a place for me to expose my vulnerabilities and gain strength and experience and hope from others. But I am still new. Even though I have done more than two years of intensive research...seriously...two treatment programs, a dozen books, every online resource I could find, documentaries, films, stories, meetings, seriously...over two years of trying to "understand" addiction/codependency.
I hope that it is okay that I am still here...I hope that if I am here in a year...still talking about it...I hope that is okay.
As far as I have been able to tell in my own recovery, it has been the strength of those who have made it to a better place that has helped me on the path.
There was a time when I could NOT imagine life without alcohol. Could NOT imagine. I needed people there to tell me it would get better.
There was a time when I could NOT imagine life without my exABF. Could NOT imagine. I needed people to tell me it would get better.
And they were right.
We have had VERY little contact since Feb., and we have not been in a "romantic relationship" whatsoever since then. I thought I could be a friend, I still thought that I could help him as a friend in recovery...
Now, I am finally at that place where I understand why "no contact" works. It has been one month.
I hope that coming here is okay...this has been a place for me to expose my vulnerabilities and gain strength and experience and hope from others. But I am still new. Even though I have done more than two years of intensive research...seriously...two treatment programs, a dozen books, every online resource I could find, documentaries, films, stories, meetings, seriously...over two years of trying to "understand" addiction/codependency.
I hope that it is okay that I am still here...I hope that if I am here in a year...still talking about it...I hope that is okay.
As far as I have been able to tell in my own recovery, it has been the strength of those who have made it to a better place that has helped me on the path.
There was a time when I could NOT imagine life without alcohol. Could NOT imagine. I needed people there to tell me it would get better.
There was a time when I could NOT imagine life without my exABF. Could NOT imagine. I needed people to tell me it would get better.
And they were right.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 110
To have gone through all that with your ex boyfriend, to still want to be his friend, but the wisdom to see that you cannot, and your own recovery makes you a very smart, strong and big hearted person. Better things are sure to be on their way for you 
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Leslie -
I am thankful you are here and hope we are both here in a year....sharing and growing and maybe at some point really showing others the true meaning of self care.
The post by "another" was rude, hostile and very insensitive. I wouldn't pay it any mind, as most of her posts are made solely to criticize someone else. For some, it's still easier to be defensive, blame, attack, deny, and insult others then making the needed changes in her their life. Sadly, I was probably a lot like that at one time.
Emotionally maturity comes with change, comes with discovery and growth, and come with acceptance. Unfortunately, some people want to stay emotionally stunted and will put their hope and happiness in the hands of another. And we all know how well that works.
How sad and empty someone must feel to come to a "recovery" site to judge, criticize and attack others who are actually seeking support, seeking change and seeking the wisdom of others.
I don't mind be "stung" with the truth by the best of the best, but I have no use for criticism from someone who is still very unhealthy and extremely emotionally immature.
Hope you have a wonderful, blessed day.
I am thankful you are here and hope we are both here in a year....sharing and growing and maybe at some point really showing others the true meaning of self care.
The post by "another" was rude, hostile and very insensitive. I wouldn't pay it any mind, as most of her posts are made solely to criticize someone else. For some, it's still easier to be defensive, blame, attack, deny, and insult others then making the needed changes in her their life. Sadly, I was probably a lot like that at one time.
Emotionally maturity comes with change, comes with discovery and growth, and come with acceptance. Unfortunately, some people want to stay emotionally stunted and will put their hope and happiness in the hands of another. And we all know how well that works.
How sad and empty someone must feel to come to a "recovery" site to judge, criticize and attack others who are actually seeking support, seeking change and seeking the wisdom of others.
I don't mind be "stung" with the truth by the best of the best, but I have no use for criticism from someone who is still very unhealthy and extremely emotionally immature.
Hope you have a wonderful, blessed day.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
thank you LMN.
I realize that I am still very vulnerable where I am at in my life. I am only one month into detaching into silence. I get triggered still pretty easily by the desire to believe in love and hope when it comes to my ex. My defenses come up because I just do not want to go back to where I was and have to find my way back out of it again. I do believe that love is love...and it is so powerful. Everyone has to decide for themselves whether the love in their life is healthy or not, and what to do about it.
It is still hard for me, I am still letting go of silvery seductive threads and I still need support. I understand the need to go through the process. I also understand that many DO recover and that at one point when my ex had 8 months I thought that I had been the one to stand by his side and support him and that we had made it together. The heartbreak and betrayal is life destroying and I just do not want to go back and live through it again.
Sometimes when new people come here I want to just say RUN. I want them to not have to go through what I have gone through. But there is no shortcut I guess. AND AND AND some people DO recover. I have told people to RUN. I have said it. I should learn better that in most programs there is the principle of NOT giving advice. Sometimes it is hard, when the picture that is painted in a post seems so clear.
It is my job to try to maintain my own serenity and try to back away from triggers. Maybe I am not as aware of how sharp I come off in my posts. I think I am probably really doing it for me...trying to post in a strong way for my own spirit. I come here for myself, of course. Being in community in recovery hopefully helps others...and in doing so hopefully helps your self as well. You can't give away what you haven't got. (whoops...more slogans)
All of this to say that I am feeling really vulnerable. and maybe when I feel this way I should just shut up and listen! please please please grant me the serenity.
I realize that I am still very vulnerable where I am at in my life. I am only one month into detaching into silence. I get triggered still pretty easily by the desire to believe in love and hope when it comes to my ex. My defenses come up because I just do not want to go back to where I was and have to find my way back out of it again. I do believe that love is love...and it is so powerful. Everyone has to decide for themselves whether the love in their life is healthy or not, and what to do about it.
It is still hard for me, I am still letting go of silvery seductive threads and I still need support. I understand the need to go through the process. I also understand that many DO recover and that at one point when my ex had 8 months I thought that I had been the one to stand by his side and support him and that we had made it together. The heartbreak and betrayal is life destroying and I just do not want to go back and live through it again.
Sometimes when new people come here I want to just say RUN. I want them to not have to go through what I have gone through. But there is no shortcut I guess. AND AND AND some people DO recover. I have told people to RUN. I have said it. I should learn better that in most programs there is the principle of NOT giving advice. Sometimes it is hard, when the picture that is painted in a post seems so clear.
It is my job to try to maintain my own serenity and try to back away from triggers. Maybe I am not as aware of how sharp I come off in my posts. I think I am probably really doing it for me...trying to post in a strong way for my own spirit. I come here for myself, of course. Being in community in recovery hopefully helps others...and in doing so hopefully helps your self as well. You can't give away what you haven't got. (whoops...more slogans)
All of this to say that I am feeling really vulnerable. and maybe when I feel this way I should just shut up and listen! please please please grant me the serenity.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
I think I made this post out of honesty...really truly out of a need for support. Getting the loving reply from LMN and pinkdog is awesome. Getting some solid replies and care from two of the people I used to be kind of afraid of is something else...it gives me strength and I so appreciate it.
I think I am posting because I want to be self aware. I think I can come off rude and sharp when I post in reply to people. I think that part of that is just me trying to stand and be strong when really...even though I am making progress, I am still very vulnerable.
witness...I am sitting here with tears running down my face. This is my history...to try to just stand and be strong and independent when really I need support and help. I reply to other peoples posts with this kind of strong arm approach, to try to give it to myself at the same time...instead of once in awhile reaching out and letting people know that I am vulnerable...and in fact, quite soft hearted.
I am in the heart of wedding season, where I am off leading people in speaking their vows. It's that idea that the "cobbler's kids have no shoes". I am surrounded by couples who are telling me their story about love and trust and future plans and yet...
I am so fresh into this last step toward letting go of the last hopes I had.
My life is unfolding in amazing ways.
I have a new office that is absolutely incredible...it really is just a dream launch for my own small business that I have been tending for ten years and rcv'd my masters in two and half years ago...I was writing my thesis when I met my ex.
And and and...last Saturday my daughter (who I reunited with after 24 years of adoption) gave birth to the most beautiful little girl. I am a grandma to the sweetest little human being I have ever had the grace to meet.
My daughter had sat with me through very compassionate conversations as I struggled in my relationship with my ex. She had pretty amazing patience and understanding and acceptance through all of it. When she knew she was expecting she finally drew her own boundary...and told me she would not be letting her daughter around my ex. And, of course it was absolutely clear to me...instead of a red flag shredding in a thunderstorm...it was just a delicate pink baby blanket fluttering in the breeze.
What I have come to know is that I suffered such neglect as a child that when I would find "love" I was loyal to it in the extreme. bulldog grip. I am grateful to my ex for this: that in the painful time that I have spent with him I HAVE learned to love myself...and for this I had to let go.
I pray one day that he loves himself too.
Thank you for being here.
I think I am posting because I want to be self aware. I think I can come off rude and sharp when I post in reply to people. I think that part of that is just me trying to stand and be strong when really...even though I am making progress, I am still very vulnerable.
witness...I am sitting here with tears running down my face. This is my history...to try to just stand and be strong and independent when really I need support and help. I reply to other peoples posts with this kind of strong arm approach, to try to give it to myself at the same time...instead of once in awhile reaching out and letting people know that I am vulnerable...and in fact, quite soft hearted.
I am in the heart of wedding season, where I am off leading people in speaking their vows. It's that idea that the "cobbler's kids have no shoes". I am surrounded by couples who are telling me their story about love and trust and future plans and yet...
I am so fresh into this last step toward letting go of the last hopes I had.
My life is unfolding in amazing ways.
I have a new office that is absolutely incredible...it really is just a dream launch for my own small business that I have been tending for ten years and rcv'd my masters in two and half years ago...I was writing my thesis when I met my ex.
And and and...last Saturday my daughter (who I reunited with after 24 years of adoption) gave birth to the most beautiful little girl. I am a grandma to the sweetest little human being I have ever had the grace to meet.
My daughter had sat with me through very compassionate conversations as I struggled in my relationship with my ex. She had pretty amazing patience and understanding and acceptance through all of it. When she knew she was expecting she finally drew her own boundary...and told me she would not be letting her daughter around my ex. And, of course it was absolutely clear to me...instead of a red flag shredding in a thunderstorm...it was just a delicate pink baby blanket fluttering in the breeze.
What I have come to know is that I suffered such neglect as a child that when I would find "love" I was loyal to it in the extreme. bulldog grip. I am grateful to my ex for this: that in the painful time that I have spent with him I HAVE learned to love myself...and for this I had to let go.
I pray one day that he loves himself too.
Thank you for being here.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by cynical one 
I’ll tell on myself. About 3 years ago, I was PMing with another member and I said something like “Is it me, or does so and so always seem to be seeking validation from others, or am I the crazy one”. And the member I was PMing with said “you do realize that YOU are now seeking validation”.
Bit?h taught me a lesson, and I hate sharks now because of her ^^^^ (yeah her up there) but have never looked for outside validation since.
Bit?h taught me a lesson, and I hate sharks now because of her ^^^^ (yeah her up there) but have never looked for outside validation since.
lmaoGotta love the healthier ones!
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