Am I overreacting?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 24
I am definitely seeing the game he's playing. I'm finding that in order to get through to him I have to do the opposite of what my instincts tell me to do (comfort him, reassure him, etc). You're right about the pin too - he had spy software on the computer for a while. He had checked that before to get my passwords and got my bank information to transfer money through pay pal. He will always find a way, it's just a matter of time.
Can't afford a therapist but I'm a veteran too and because he is being treated at the VA I can use their services too. I saw one there when things flared up before and the doctor said that it's situational and referred me to a marriage counselor (to see by myself). That appt is June 5th - super slow system there.
I looked at NarAnon meetings and I will go to the next one. I told my AH if he wasn't going in last Thursday then I wanted him to watch the kids so I could go to the meeting. He wanted to go to the meeting too - he is afraid that people there would convince me to leave him (he's doing a great job of that himself!).
He just stopped by the house to say goodbye - his friend is supposedly taking him to the VA tonight. He is all hugs and kisses and big goodbyes, asking if it's okay if the doctor calls with an update every day. I'll believe it when I see it.
Can't afford a therapist but I'm a veteran too and because he is being treated at the VA I can use their services too. I saw one there when things flared up before and the doctor said that it's situational and referred me to a marriage counselor (to see by myself). That appt is June 5th - super slow system there.
I looked at NarAnon meetings and I will go to the next one. I told my AH if he wasn't going in last Thursday then I wanted him to watch the kids so I could go to the meeting. He wanted to go to the meeting too - he is afraid that people there would convince me to leave him (he's doing a great job of that himself!).
He just stopped by the house to say goodbye - his friend is supposedly taking him to the VA tonight. He is all hugs and kisses and big goodbyes, asking if it's okay if the doctor calls with an update every day. I'll believe it when I see it.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Don't do any on line banking, think on your feet, you know what he is capable of doing.
When dealing with an addict it becomes nothing more than a game of chess, each move needs to be thought out and executed.
When dealing with an addict it becomes nothing more than a game of chess, each move needs to be thought out and executed.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I am trying not to be negative - I am just sharing what I have learned and because the DOC is the same, I feel like I understand it more then if he was using another DOC.
Your husband is getting help so as not lose you! My AH did the same thing and still may be...time will tell. I felt so "loved," so special..he was choosing me and our family over that nasty drug. (note sarcasm).
It wasn't real, he wasn't in recovery and nothing changed. Actually, he got better at lying, better at hiding it and far more sneaky. The addiction had won and I took it very personal. The man I loved no longer existed. My "dream" marriage was gone.
In a short time, I have learned a lot. Addiction is ugly. I was a huge enabler. An addicts behavior will always shock you, if you let it.
I love Al-anon, I love my therapist and I am feeling strong and stronger. I still make mistakes and I know its a process but I now have boundaries. I will not live with an active addict. I will not drug test him. His behavior must be consistent. Its his recovery and its my life and I will chose who I want to share it with.
Your husband is getting help so as not lose you! My AH did the same thing and still may be...time will tell. I felt so "loved," so special..he was choosing me and our family over that nasty drug. (note sarcasm).
It wasn't real, he wasn't in recovery and nothing changed. Actually, he got better at lying, better at hiding it and far more sneaky. The addiction had won and I took it very personal. The man I loved no longer existed. My "dream" marriage was gone.
In a short time, I have learned a lot. Addiction is ugly. I was a huge enabler. An addicts behavior will always shock you, if you let it.
I love Al-anon, I love my therapist and I am feeling strong and stronger. I still make mistakes and I know its a process but I now have boundaries. I will not live with an active addict. I will not drug test him. His behavior must be consistent. Its his recovery and its my life and I will chose who I want to share it with.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 24
I definitely feel like I'm in the middle of a game but he doesn't follow any rules so it's hard to stay a step ahead but I'm trying.
LMN - I know he's only going so I will stay. As of right now I don't intend to take him back but I need some time away from him to take care of myself and the kids without all the calls and texts and bs from him. He says its a 35 day program. Hopefully by the time he's done I will have had enough distance to stick to my guns.
Oh, and on the way to the hospital (if that's really where he was going) he called and told me he made sure he would get in this time. When I asked if he had taken some pills he said, "yeah, a lot" and told me he stole them from the friend he was staying with. I had a feeling he was on something when he stopped by the house because he was all happy with a little slurred speech. I have not seen a dime from that $86 he had on Friday or any of the yard sale money - pretty sure I know where that went now.
LMN - I know he's only going so I will stay. As of right now I don't intend to take him back but I need some time away from him to take care of myself and the kids without all the calls and texts and bs from him. He says its a 35 day program. Hopefully by the time he's done I will have had enough distance to stick to my guns.
Oh, and on the way to the hospital (if that's really where he was going) he called and told me he made sure he would get in this time. When I asked if he had taken some pills he said, "yeah, a lot" and told me he stole them from the friend he was staying with. I had a feeling he was on something when he stopped by the house because he was all happy with a little slurred speech. I have not seen a dime from that $86 he had on Friday or any of the yard sale money - pretty sure I know where that went now.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
I'd go with your gut. He may go with the program, or he may just continue the games so that he can keep you and keep doing the drugs. My RABF tried similar stories before he got clean. He made up stories about rehab places, talking to people about outpatient, etc. He told me he was going to a clinic, when he really went to get a prescription for more pain pills. He made up a name of an outpatient clinic, and told me where it was. It didn't even exhist.
I agree that you need to get him out of the house so that you can get your sanity back. That is awful having to listen to those stories and put up with him telling you doing one thing but doing another. It is also completely unacceptable that he stole your debit card and your money.
I agree that you need to get him out of the house so that you can get your sanity back. That is awful having to listen to those stories and put up with him telling you doing one thing but doing another. It is also completely unacceptable that he stole your debit card and your money.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 128
I agree with Dollydo. Open a separate bank account. It's easy to do and will give you peace of mind. I did this, and my anxiety level improved greatly. He doesn't need to know. You could even open it at a different bank or credit union. Protect yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
He said you could not see the could original doctor because he had signed the release form for the worker I have a feeling likely all he had to do was sign a consent form , so IMO he didn't want you talking to the doctor and know what was or was not going on but now he wants to turn the smokescreen back on because you are now being told the doctor from Rehab. will call you with daily updates... I so hate drugs.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
if your state requires a years separation then you could start the process now if you want. that way you would be gaining time toward your ability to obtain a legal divorce. I know that in one state you can even be living in the same house...
the separation just has to be publicly declared, and to families etc.
find out how to start the process so that you are working toward freedom, or at least more choices in your direction...you can always change your mind.
the separation just has to be publicly declared, and to families etc.
find out how to start the process so that you are working toward freedom, or at least more choices in your direction...you can always change your mind.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
When the 35 days are up, he'll want to come home and the same old same old resumes. Be prepared. My son came home from a 28 day rehab and he plopped himself back in his room (that had been turned into the guest room four years earlier) for seven long months. Don't let that happen to you--and it will if he comes home.
And get your finances protected.
And get your finances protected.
Still Standing
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
I have heard all of these stories from my alcoholic/addict grown son while he was living with me & even when he wasn't. They are all just manipulation for sure. If & when, addicts are telling the truth or really want to get well, it will be an obvious difference in the way they speak & act. If it's not Obviously True, then it's Not True At All.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 24
His friend texted me to say they wouldn't keep him and he picked him up at 3 am. My husband said he insisted on treatment and they said he had to do outpatient treatment. He made a big show about being angry, going to file complaints. The VA has a crisis line/online chat so I did the chat to find out about options for him because he is going to end up homeless or in jail.
Someone from the VA called me yesterday and I told them just the recent events of how much he has taken and he said he would look into it. My husband came home that afternoon and a counselor talked to him - he put her on speaker phone and it was clear he hadn't told the full extent of it - he claimed he was only buying 20 a month (ha! that wouldn't last him 2 days - the only reason he can't get all that he wants is because they are $10 a piece from a drug dealer and we are broke). She got him scheduled for 35 day inpatient treatment on June 19th.
After all the fuss he has put up about wanting treatment and not being able to get it, he was actually upset after that phone call. He says that if he's already clean now then he doesn't think he should need inpatient care - it made it clear to me he was only going through the motions to keep me. I saw that he was searching on the internet last night about "why is chronic pain mistaken for addiction" - again, I think he's only saying he has a problem to pacify me.
I picked up a few books and read one by Dr. Drew (didn't realize he was the author until I got home) - called "When Painkillers Become Dangerous" and read the whole thing in a day. It had some really interesting information about prescription abuse and included stuff about chronic pain too. My AH had an appt with his psychiatrist this morning which he overslept and missed (didn't seem concerned about it at all) and he was supposed to go to a job interview at 9:30 which he also missed and went to late (couldn't name the company or the exact location, not sure what he's doing right now and trying not to care).
I'm still trying to figure out what to do - I'm on the verge of just giving up just so I don't have to fight any more. I also bought Codependent No More - I'm learning I have my own issues to work through too. He obviously doesn't want or think he needs help and I am tired of trying to making him see that.
Someone from the VA called me yesterday and I told them just the recent events of how much he has taken and he said he would look into it. My husband came home that afternoon and a counselor talked to him - he put her on speaker phone and it was clear he hadn't told the full extent of it - he claimed he was only buying 20 a month (ha! that wouldn't last him 2 days - the only reason he can't get all that he wants is because they are $10 a piece from a drug dealer and we are broke). She got him scheduled for 35 day inpatient treatment on June 19th.
After all the fuss he has put up about wanting treatment and not being able to get it, he was actually upset after that phone call. He says that if he's already clean now then he doesn't think he should need inpatient care - it made it clear to me he was only going through the motions to keep me. I saw that he was searching on the internet last night about "why is chronic pain mistaken for addiction" - again, I think he's only saying he has a problem to pacify me.
I picked up a few books and read one by Dr. Drew (didn't realize he was the author until I got home) - called "When Painkillers Become Dangerous" and read the whole thing in a day. It had some really interesting information about prescription abuse and included stuff about chronic pain too. My AH had an appt with his psychiatrist this morning which he overslept and missed (didn't seem concerned about it at all) and he was supposed to go to a job interview at 9:30 which he also missed and went to late (couldn't name the company or the exact location, not sure what he's doing right now and trying not to care).
I'm still trying to figure out what to do - I'm on the verge of just giving up just so I don't have to fight any more. I also bought Codependent No More - I'm learning I have my own issues to work through too. He obviously doesn't want or think he needs help and I am tired of trying to making him see that.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
He.does.not.want.recovery. He is saying what he thinks you want to hear. You KNOW this. How long you continue this game is up to you, but do not expect him to suddenly see the light and desire treatment. He has been dragging this out as long as possible and lying, not only to you, but to the treatment facility. You have to decide what YOU want for YOU.
He.does.not.want.recovery.
He.does.not.want.recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by suki44883 
He.does.not.want.recovery. He is saying what he thinks you want to hear. You KNOW this. How long you continue this game is up to you, but do not expect him to suddenly see the light and desire treatment. He has been dragging this out as long as possible and lying, not only to you, but to the treatment facility. You have to decide what YOU want for YOU.
He.does.not.want.recovery.
He.does.not.want.recovery.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
about time...
what is the longest period that you have spent away from him? I ask because that leap of faith is a lot easier knowing that it gets easier. hard to imagine when you haven't been away...I think that's why there are a "few" of us who wean ourselves away...
we test the waters solo
a little longer the next time
then we start to swim
and then we're floating in the sunshine of the spirit...unburdened by the painful weight of lies, manipulation, hiding, deceit and destructive lifestyles...
come on in, the water's fine!!!
what is the longest period that you have spent away from him? I ask because that leap of faith is a lot easier knowing that it gets easier. hard to imagine when you haven't been away...I think that's why there are a "few" of us who wean ourselves away...
we test the waters solo
a little longer the next time
then we start to swim
and then we're floating in the sunshine of the spirit...unburdened by the painful weight of lies, manipulation, hiding, deceit and destructive lifestyles...
come on in, the water's fine!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 24
Usually I'll leave and then about the 3rd or 4th day when my anger wears off I start to consider coming back. The longest I was away was in November 2010 when I took a trip to FL without him and I was gone a week.
We were actually divorced for 11 months before we got remarried. Unfortunately during that time I did not know he had started taking pain killers because he was in the military stationed in Italy - he was only back a few months before we got remarried. When we were apart I just had my son but I did it all on my own and with the help of friends. I loved my life, finished my degree, had a lot of fun/quality time with my son and got an awesome job. I managed my finances. Now with 2 small children and no money or job, it's hard to leave, especially when I know I'll receive the huge guilt trip/manipulation.
We were actually divorced for 11 months before we got remarried. Unfortunately during that time I did not know he had started taking pain killers because he was in the military stationed in Italy - he was only back a few months before we got remarried. When we were apart I just had my son but I did it all on my own and with the help of friends. I loved my life, finished my degree, had a lot of fun/quality time with my son and got an awesome job. I managed my finances. Now with 2 small children and no money or job, it's hard to leave, especially when I know I'll receive the huge guilt trip/manipulation.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi, im sorry this is happening for you. im a recovering addict and im sorry to say but seems like he's just not ready to quit. nothing you can do or say that will make him want to recover, he has to desperately want it for himself or it will get progressively worse. addicts are master manipulators but you dont have to go down with him, that is a choice you'll have to make for yourself, one day at a ime, you are not alone.
my husband was also addicted, took me 21 yrs of the on and off, in and out relationship before i realized i had to separate myself from him and his addiction inorder to literally save my own sanity.
i say actions speak louder than words,addicts lie, thats just what they do. keep the focus on you, follow your gut feeling, create a plan b, just in case you need one, keep posting and go to meetings for you. you and yours are in my prayers
my husband was also addicted, took me 21 yrs of the on and off, in and out relationship before i realized i had to separate myself from him and his addiction inorder to literally save my own sanity.
i say actions speak louder than words,addicts lie, thats just what they do. keep the focus on you, follow your gut feeling, create a plan b, just in case you need one, keep posting and go to meetings for you. you and yours are in my prayers
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
