HerHubz

Hello everyone. New to the board.

I've been dealing with my SO's substance abuse for over 2 years. It's been admitted to now for just over a year though.

I've done everything I can think of to be supportive in letting her work her recovery, but she just always seems to fail or have a misstep.

We have a wonderful little boy who is about to turn 2 and it terrifies/saddens me to think that he is almost old enough to start remembering "Mama" being passed out and generally showing the signs of using.

My general concern is for his safety, her health and out marriage. I am beginning to fear that the 3rd concern there is too far gone. Does anyone have any experience of helping a SO recover and then having to step away? Does this seem cold and callous?

I want her better, but I know that she has to want herself better more.

Enough of my ramblings.....any advice?

beeswax

With my AH, I've had to step away from him to allow him to choose to get better-- or to choose not to. He has very little (and no unsupervised) contact with our children right now, also. That makes me sad, but it's what I had to do to protect myself and our children from the addiction.

outtolunch

People in active addiction/early recovery are not competent to parent.

Your precious child is absorbing it all like a sponge. What can you do to protect your son from the inconsistency, drama and chaos of addiction?

Kindeyes

I tried to change my XAH some 30 years ago or so. It didn't work so well. I didn't understand addiction. I didn't understand what was happening to him.....to us.....to me.......and maybe I didn't do enough before I just got fed up and called it quits.

So what would I do if I had a do-over? I would have sought help in Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. I would have begun to explore myself. I would have tried to understand addiction but more importantly, I would have explored the concept of codependence but I don't think it was really recognized back then in the early 80's.....certainly not like it is now.

Welcome to SR. This is a great place with lots of collective wisdom. I hope you stick around. Read. Learn. Post. And take what you need and leave the rest.

gentle hugs
ke

HerHubz

Well, we've been dealing with DHR, most people may refer to it as CPS, I don't know.

They've basically charged me with his safety and in making sure he isn't at risk if she ever relapses. Basically that involves either getting someone to come pick her up for a few days, taking him to my parents for a few days while I go back to make sure she keeps breathing or simply positioning myself between the two of them both when we're awake and during the time of night I should be sleeping.

It's alot, I have to admit. While I will always profess to my son my love for him and be his staunchest protector, I fear letting something happening to his mother, my wife and having to explain to him that I didn't do all that I could for her. Sounds cheesy and lets me be manipulated/enable.

I have a hard time deciding what point is the point that I am not able to live up that vow of in good times and in bad, sickness and health.

Heartbroken0608

Your primary concern needs to be your sons well being. You are the only competent parent he has so in order to best take care of him you have to make sure you are taking care of yourself. Staying up all night babysitting your wife and running yourself ragged to try to save her is not in your best interest nor in your sons best interest.

Would you rather have to explain to your son why you couldn't save his mom or have to apologize to him for all the trauma he will inevitably experience if you don't protect him. Take a look at the forum for adult children of alcoholics... The effects are severe and life-long.

Addicts need to feel pain from their addiction in order to want to stop. As long as you are there to protect her from herself she has no reason to want to change. My advice would be to set some boundaries for you and your son and then stick to them! For example, "I will not allow my son to live in a household with someone who abuses drugs/alcohol". If she chooses to ignore that boundary you and your son leave (or she does). She is an adult and can make choices. Your son cannot. He has to rely on you to protect him. Your post sounds like you already know this but just need some strength to follow through.

If you haven't yet, please consider finding an alanon/naranon/families anonymous group to attend. You will find tremendous support and will realize you are not alone and that you DO have the strength to do what needs to be done for you and your son.

I'm glad you are here. The people on this site truly understand and will help you through this.

Take care of yourself and your son!