blackandblue

I am surrounded by incredible people and community. But the loneliness is real. There isn't even an emotion I can attach to it and it's not an easy place to be. I am not sure if loneliness is a state of being or feeling. It's a place where I can actually feel what I need to feel without putting on a mask. When alone, I am fine. But lonely- that's become like a new relationship. I wake up with it and I sleep with it and for better or worse- it loves me unconditionally.

I am immersed in Step One in Al-anon. Powerless- yes. Unmanageable-yes. How does that make me feel- liberated and shaky. My life may look amazing to the outside world with successes. I lead a charmed life although troublesome. Maybe it is amazing. On the inside- I know the truth. I am passing through a spiritual vortex where I don't recognize myself as I used to be. That is also lonely.

While surrounded by beautiful loving couples and friends my age making life plans, having kids, being happy etc.- I take in my reality. I don't need to confess my whole reality in this post, but tonight my reality is bath, al-anon reading, prayer, and loneliness on my way to dream land. I am sure a few people out there would not mind the alone time I have. I am blessed with this time for reflection.

Is it possible that I am missing something key- as in "the key?" Like a key that I actually possess that has been hidden from me or that I have hidden from myself. And if I had the key would I know which door? And would I be brave enough to open that door? Tonight, I believe that addiction hid my key from me and in that same vain it is giving it right back to me with a gift. It is not easy to be so grateful under such circumstances. But the gifts keep coming. And the lessons get harder the more I try to ignore them.

So what now? Because when the busyness of the day is done we are left with reality. Even though in reality at the moment there is no chaos, I am aware of this calm feeling before a storm. Where the ground begins to shake just before it hits. Especially when I miss him. And when I admit that I am powerless over addiction and life has become unmanageable- I can at least relinquish some of the burden over to a HP. Blessings and prayers. Goodnight.

Chino

blackandblue, that was poignantly eloquent. Blessings and prayers to you, too. Goodnight