I need some guidance
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: San Antonio, TX
Posts: 6
I need some guidance
I'm a mother of a 5 year drug addict. I'm new to the family programs though and trying to work them, but I'm a terrible co-dependent.
I need some advice. My son was 100 days clean and he relapsed this weekend. He didn't use his normal drugs or at least I don't think he did, but he was drunk. He had been in a sober house but had only been home two weeks. I think the old environment did it for him.
In any case, I told him he had to leave which was what I've been taught in my programs. He left and went to his girlfriends where he has been the last few nights.
Here is my question - becuase I bought his car and it's still in my name as well, I could use that as leverage to get him back into a sober house, but should I do that or should I let him continue as he is. I want him to get the treatment and think he needs to be back in the sober house, but should I push him there or let him be?
It's so tough to know when to push and when to let him be.
I need some advice. My son was 100 days clean and he relapsed this weekend. He didn't use his normal drugs or at least I don't think he did, but he was drunk. He had been in a sober house but had only been home two weeks. I think the old environment did it for him.
In any case, I told him he had to leave which was what I've been taught in my programs. He left and went to his girlfriends where he has been the last few nights.
Here is my question - becuase I bought his car and it's still in my name as well, I could use that as leverage to get him back into a sober house, but should I do that or should I let him continue as he is. I want him to get the treatment and think he needs to be back in the sober house, but should I push him there or let him be?
It's so tough to know when to push and when to let him be.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Boston, Ma
Posts: 184
I think its a mixture of yes and no.
If you want to decide to take the car back because you want to stop enabling him to get around where/when he sees fit, take the car back. But don't do it as a move to force him back into a sober house. He needs to choose it for himself regardless. If I were you and had already decided he couldn't live in the house, I'd totally take the car back, but not in an attempt to force him back to being clean.
What about your recovery? It seems like you are still thinking that YOU can fix him and that your decisions can corner him back into recovery.
If you want to decide to take the car back because you want to stop enabling him to get around where/when he sees fit, take the car back. But don't do it as a move to force him back into a sober house. He needs to choose it for himself regardless. If I were you and had already decided he couldn't live in the house, I'd totally take the car back, but not in an attempt to force him back to being clean.
What about your recovery? It seems like you are still thinking that YOU can fix him and that your decisions can corner him back into recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Please don’t play manipulation games with your child or use anything as leverage.
Because he was in a program he knows exactly where to go and what he needs to do for himself. At this moment is seems he isn’t ready, that doesn’t mean he won’t be and isn’t learning something in the relapse. Relapse has a way of undoing bad thinking, kinda proving to yourself you have no control, and he can learn from it.
My only concern with the car is because it is in your name if he hurts someone with it they can come after you as the owner…so either turn it over to him, since you got it for him, or take it back because it is in your name.
Now I have to ask did you buy it as a gift for him? If you did then it remains a gift and is his and I would get it out of your name asap….we don’t use anything as a bargaining tool, to stay or get clean, we also don’t give and take back to suit motive or based on fear or if they are clean or using, that isn’t healthy for us. If you gave it to him, it is his as you choose to buy it for him.
Because he was in a program he knows exactly where to go and what he needs to do for himself. At this moment is seems he isn’t ready, that doesn’t mean he won’t be and isn’t learning something in the relapse. Relapse has a way of undoing bad thinking, kinda proving to yourself you have no control, and he can learn from it.
My only concern with the car is because it is in your name if he hurts someone with it they can come after you as the owner…so either turn it over to him, since you got it for him, or take it back because it is in your name.
Now I have to ask did you buy it as a gift for him? If you did then it remains a gift and is his and I would get it out of your name asap….we don’t use anything as a bargaining tool, to stay or get clean, we also don’t give and take back to suit motive or based on fear or if they are clean or using, that isn’t healthy for us. If you gave it to him, it is his as you choose to buy it for him.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
I'd keep the car to protect myself. I wouldn't let him have it back until he demonstrated ongoing recovery, legally bought it from me in one lump sum, wasn't on my policy, no longer lived in my home and no bills of his came to my home. All of that would cover my conscience and legally protect me.
I learned that the hard way with my recovering daughter :/
I learned that the hard way with my recovering daughter :/
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
I was the Queen of Leverage ( manipulation) when it came to my daughter and addiction.I spent serious 6 figures on Mds, detoxes, rehabs, therapists, medications, bribes and more in my quest to fix her. And none of it mattered until she made the decision to get and stay clean and she did so inspite of me, when she was ready to do so.
As it relates to your son, he did himself in, cause the enviornment is always present, wherever he goes.
As it relates to the car in your name and presumably on your insurance policy... that's an easy one- protect yourself and your assets.
How old is your son? Is he employed? In school?
As it relates to your son, he did himself in, cause the enviornment is always present, wherever he goes.
As it relates to the car in your name and presumably on your insurance policy... that's an easy one- protect yourself and your assets.
How old is your son? Is he employed? In school?
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
If he gets a DWI, is in an accident it will go against your insurance, and your insurance premium can easily triple. I would either get your name off the car and let him get his own insurance or I would take the car back until he can stay clean and sober and has a year of soberity under his belt.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
My husband and I had given our son a car not realizing he was a drug addict (he was living in another state and we were clueless). Even so, the car should have been titled over to our son, but it wasn't. Like so many other things, we were very naive and stupid. After the truth came to light about our son, I took back our car, telling him that when the day comes he can pay for all the expenses that go with a car and he has a valid driver's license, he can have the car back. It will also be at that time that the car is titled over to him We are just so lucky that our stupidity didn't cause too many problems for us. One problem that arose is my being held responsible for our son running on the toll road without paying. That wouldn't have been linked to me had the car been titled to him and we hadn't paid for the license on the car.
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