lightseeker

I just told my 18 year old son that he could no longer live with me. He has been using pot for 3 years now and we have gone through lots of episodes of catching him. Last month when I caught him smoking in my house (for the 8th time) I told him that if I ever caught him smoking in my home again that I would not allow him to live with me.

Well.....just walked in from work and the house was reeking of pot smell. I went into his room and the fan was running full blast and the smell almost choked me. He had just left (Thursday nights he is at his dad's) so I called him and told him that I was aware that he had been smoking pot in my home and he admitted it. I told him that the consequence that we had discussed was now in effect and that he was not able to live with me any longer. He is going to live with his dad who turns a blind eye to his use. His dad was a total pot head for a long time until he went to work for a drug free company 25 years ago.

I'm just really sad...he is supposed to go off to college in 4 months and I was really looking forward to these last few months with him.

I knew that when I made that ultimatum that I would need to follow through with it. I hoped that he would have made a different choice but he didn't. I don't want anyone smoking pot in my home......and I know that setting that boundary was completely appropriate. I'm just really sad right now. It's been a really tough year (left my abusive husband ...the boy's step dad..... last May, just moved last week, etc). Glad I have some recovery and that I know that I have HP holding me...but it still really feels awful. I feel so lonely and really sad right now.

suki44883

Of course you are sad, who wouldn't be? But, he has to learn that actions have consequences and it isn't like you haven't given him plenty of chances. Glad to know you decided to uphold your boundary. You are right to do so. Your home is your sanctuary and you have every right to decide what is and is not acceptable.

It will be okay. We're here to support you.

December2011

Girl, hang in there--- you stuck to your guns. Yes, it is sad.. I am a mom, so I get that. I have to tell you that I never took my addicted sons stoner ways seriously, and I was full of empty threats. He became addicted to shooting OXY. Not that that would happen in your case, but I never put my foot down until like a few months ago.

Your son will still be able to go to college-- you do not have to give up on that.. it may just take a little more time

dollydo

For every bad action there is a bad reaction, everything will work out as the HP desiginates it to be.

Keep posting, we are here for you, and, I am sorry that you are in pain.

Ann

Doing the right thing can be very painful, but it's still the right thing.

The alternative would be to live with your son doing drugs in your home, and that's painful too.

Just know that he may learn from this, and that there are consequences to his choices. You didn't "throw him out", he threw himself out when he knowingly crossed your very clear boundary.

Big hugs from a mama who understands and will keep you both in my prayers.

EJG123

Sometimes having some space can actually bring people closer. Maybe living apart will allow you each to make choices that won't put you in direct conflct.

greeteachday

(((Lightseeker))) I'm sorry for your pain. You know you are doing the right thing, but that doesn't make it any less painful. I'm glad you can come here and share and I hope that helps you to feel a little less lonely and to work through the pain by acknowledging and feeling it.

I do think that sticking to your boundaries and following through is one of the greatest gifts you can give your son. He will learn by your example that actions have consequences and the importance of saying what you mean and meaning what you say (while not saying it mean) And his little brother will learn too since he will see that you are not going to allow unacceptable behavior in your home. Mega-hugs, mom. We are walking with you.

wicked

Lightseeker,

What a tough thing to do. I know it sucks to kick a child out of the house.
I may have to do another one soon. Dammit.
Thank you for sharing your story. It gives me strength.

Beth

newnormal4me

Hugs to you. Sorry you are having to deal with this.

Chino

I'm sorry for your pain too, and that you had to deal with that. I'm also glad for you, that you did deal with it

Ilovemysonjj

Hugs, It is very hard but since he is so young, maybe this will show him that your relationship and your values are uncompromising. Mine is 22 and I am FINALLY realizing my boundaries can be established.

BeavsDad

That is very painful, but necessary.

I wish I would have had my boundaries in place earlier.

lightseeker

thanks ya'll.....it really helps to have your support. I knew that when I made that boundary that I had to be at the point to keep it. As painful as it is I'm glad that I did it. I literally cried all night but it was just "normal sad" - and sad that his desire to be high/smoke pot is that powerful. I know that I just don't want illegal substances in my home....I went through his closet and drawers last night and found all sorts of vaporizors, pipes, bongs, rolling machines. He is clearly very involved in this and it's not just a "social thing" as his dad likes to call it. His dad pays for his car, the insurance, etc so as long as he has that all supplied he has a pretty cushy life. I guess that this is now their deal to handle.

Anyway....it's definitely an adjustment and I'm just going through the grief period. I'm so glad that I have a recovery program to rely on and the support of each of you. I know if so many of you can do this then I can too....but gosh! it sure can be painful.

I'm in the middle of trying to settle into my new home and I'm sad that he's not here to be part of that...but it's not meant to be.

Thanks again for the words of support - they mean more to me than you will ever know.

candie

My Brother has been a pot head for 25 years, and I wish my Mum had been stronger with him, as it has totally ruined his life.He had so much potential and could have done anything, but just smokes pot every day
I know you must feel really bad right now hun, but you're doing him a massive favour in the long run

kmangel

Doing the right thing is so hard. We want to not have to be put in that position--hoping for our loved ones to do the right thing themselves so we wont have to be "the bad guy" standing behind our words of what we will tolerate and what we wont from them. Someday your son may come to you and tell you that the most loving thing you ever did was stand by your boundary of no drugs in your home. It may be the beginning of the turn around in his life. And that will be a wonderful day!

We want our kids to want what is good for them, to learn from ours and others mistakes so they don't have to suffer themselves, but sometimes our kids have to learn the hard way in order to find the right path. Hang in there. Be proud you stood firm.

lightseeker

KMAngel,

thanks...it helped to read your words (and everyone elses). I'm struggling right now because he would have been coming home right now. He has such a soft place to land (his dad's home where there is tacit approval of smoking pot) that I doubt if much will change. Maybe when his dad is dealing with it day in and day out he'll change his tune.

I've gone through so much over the last while that I am really struggling a lot with this. I think that my resiiency was low anyway. I guess that there is never a good time for any of this though. I am fighting all of my codie tendencies right now...but I don't feel myself waivering. Just so sad...... .