lesliej

I just wanted to post here from the perspective and feelings that I have today. Today is the only day I have for today.

Today I feel calm, serene, excited about some things I am creating, I feel deep gratitude for my friends, my recovery, my home, my work...the list is long.

I do not feel remorse, guilt, despair, shame, worry, fear...the list could get very long indeed.

I am living today in a state of love and grace.

Life is a journey, I suppose it is eventually a destination (an ending) but it is a journey of day by day, moment by moment. If today is the destination of all days previous...if today is the "ending" of my past thus far...then I must say that I am living in a "happy ending".

I am so grateful for the work I have done and the support I have received to get to this point. Happy Ending does not require that the "girl gets the boy" or even that the "mother gets the son" (sadly enough).

If we are here it is because we are on a journey and seeking help and support. We are seeking the experience, strength and HOPE of others who have been on a similar journey. NONE of us really know what the destination IS, we can only do our best, do what we can do, to find serenity and peace in our current place on the path.

Before I learned what I have learned, life looked painful and desolate without the love of my A. I thought that without him I could not have a "happy ending". I love him now unconditionally. I feel the love that surrounds all of us. If we were not loved there would not be a place like this, we would not be here to help each other shoulder our pain and find some semblance of understanding.

Addiction is rampant in the world. So is cancer, obesity, infidelity, ignorance, bigotry, and buses that happen to run people over. The list could go on...

Each of us here has a higher power within to find peace, serenity, healthy boundaries, an excited outlook on life, a creative environment, spiritual well being, and HAPPINESS.

Happiness, or a "happy ending" does NOT require that someone else stops using.

Today I am embracing the happiness that I have worked hard to allow into my life. I had to learn to let go of fear, shame, blame, fear, hurt, worry, fear, shame...I had to learn to let go of all my little demons. I had to stand up as a healthy strong gorgeous intelligent spiritual happy princess...and slay my own dragons.

This is my happy ending and I am proud of it.
I think that there are A LOT of happy endings on this site.

YearForMe

Wow! Loved every word of it and I SO SO SO needed to read that today.

THANK YOU LESLIE J......!!!!!

becky1982

Thank you lesliej, your sharing where you are now gives me so much hope. And your sharing where you came from helps me expose my demons too, so that I may become the warrior princess that you are and learn to slay my own dragons too!

You are so so so wise, and I am very grateful for SR, and your ES & H!

SuzyMarie

That was beautiful. I identify with everything that you have so eloquently written and today I needed the reminder. Thank you.

lesliej

I hope that it is clear, but I feel the need to clarify.

I have come to love my A unconditionally. I am no longer with him as a romantic partner. This is because while I love him as a human being and I have hope for his recovery, I DO have conditions on who I choose to have as a partner, life companion.

Crack and all of its cohorts (lying, deceit, manipulation, spirit killing, self esteem stealing, time and resource thieves, depression and anxiety inducing, illegalities, weapons, possible STDs etc etc) are conditions that I do not accept in romantic companionship and future building partnerships.

My A and I will always be "in relationship", we share a past (we were in HS together 3o years ago!) and for that reason have common friends, we walk in the same circles of recovery and share friends in fellowship. We share interests and creative aspirations, and for that I pray for his recovery. I truly believe the world would be a better place with his active voice. (his voice gets stolen by his addiction)

So while I love him, and I always will love him as a human being and pray for his recovery...that love is no longer under the condition that he be in romantic partnership with me. My parameters, my healthy boundaries do not allow for that. But my heart has space to care for him as a struggling human being.

Early on, and then ongoing into our growing relationship, as his use became more and more apparent, friends, family (I'm lucky enough to have family members in recovery with me), and fellows in recovery (including many on this site, thank you!) have told me that my greatest act of love would be to let him go. I understand that now.

Being able to do so, and being happy and at peace in so doing, is a gift to my spirit for which I am very grateful.

washbe2

Beautifully said. Gives me more food for thought...And I like that thought.
Thanks.