Will he EVER feel differently about me?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 7
Will he EVER feel differently about me?
I haven't been on here in a long time. My AH started using crack 6 years ago and more recently heavily using that K2 spice stuff. I finally mentioned divorce and we started going to marriage counseling. So far he has been pretty defensive about our problems. Well, yesterday the counselor told him she wanted him to go 1 mo. without using it since that was my biggest beef and for me in return to spend more time with him since that was his supposed big problem with me. Needless to say he go very irrate foing on about how he has a right to smoke it and it's not illegal and about how controlling i am. So now, he has taken it once steo further and decided to go off his paxil as well and is being just mean as heck to me. Saying he hayes me, I disgust him and to not be in the room with him. I just want my old husband back because we have been married for 23 years with four daughter ages 22, 20, 6 and an infant. I guess my question is, will he ever look back and love me again and feel bad about what happened to our marriage?
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 64
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I'm pretty new here myself, so I don't have much advice. I can say I know how much it hurts to have your husband say vicious things to you. Sounds like his addiction screaming at you, as people here say, because you tried to come between him and his drugs. Please read "codependent no more" if you haven't already. It really helped me.
Take care of yourself and your babies right now as best you can. Be kind to yourself. You deserve better than this.
Take care of yourself and your babies right now as best you can. Be kind to yourself. You deserve better than this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 7
Thanks. He said he is going clean for a month then divorcing me. I would divorce him but he wants 50% custody and that scares me. My children are every thing to me! I truly wish he would just get a clear head and go back to what we use to have. I have no job or skills so it's not like I could walk away and have funds while we battle it out. Not to mention my baby sleeps with me and is 100% breastfed. My 6 yr. old keeps asking why he is being mean and fighting.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 64
I also have a baby and an eight year old. How terrible of him to say that to you. I don't believe that he will be able to be clean for a month. Besides what happens after a month? Back to drugs? The court will not award someone on drugs any custody. They have advocates at the court that are free and can guide you. You may want to talk to the police, tell them he is out of control and using drugs, and you don't know what to do. There are people who will help you. Reach out.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: In the South
Posts: 228
That must be very had when small children are involved. I don't know about the laws in your state, but if he is using crack in your home and you know about it, there could be legal implications for both of you since you have minor children.
All we have is 'what is' right now. It's hard being a single mother raising children alone, I know because I did it. But I think it would be harder having to deal with an adult addict in the house, verbally and emotionally abusing me in the presence of those impressionable children.
All we have is 'what is' right now. It's hard being a single mother raising children alone, I know because I did it. But I think it would be harder having to deal with an adult addict in the house, verbally and emotionally abusing me in the presence of those impressionable children.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 7
See he hasn't used crack in a few months so that isn't in his system and when he used he went on runs, never here. He has been using the K2 smoking blends that you can buy legally at the gas stations around here (convienient for an addict). it is a synthetic marijuana that is 5 times more potent and 5 times more addictive but acts much differently on the system. It isn't traceable in the system which is also convienient for an addict too. So basically he will deny using anything and come up clean. All I have to go on in the copy of the police report when he gave his car to a dealer to borrow in exchange for crack and then he had to report it stolen when the guy kept it. My husband was honest and told them he was out looking for crack. That was back in July right after our last daughter was born.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Orem UT
Posts: 312
I suggest go to al-anon, it did help me, I needed to know why I chose addicts in my live just to be hurt by them. I know that but changing my thinking my life has changed.
Detachment with love means caring enough about others to allow them to learn from their mistakes. It also means being responsible for our own welfare and making decisions without ulterior motives-the desire to control others.
Ultimately we are powerless to control others anyway. Most family members of an addicted person have been trying to change that person for a long time, and it hasn't worked. We are involved with other people but we don't control them. We simply can't stop people from doing things if they choose to continue.
Detachment with love means caring enough about others to allow them to learn from their mistakes. It also means being responsible for our own welfare and making decisions without ulterior motives-the desire to control others.
Ultimately we are powerless to control others anyway. Most family members of an addicted person have been trying to change that person for a long time, and it hasn't worked. We are involved with other people but we don't control them. We simply can't stop people from doing things if they choose to continue.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Jacksonville Florida
Posts: 48
Let him make all the threats he WANTS. he will soon learn that we live in a world that we dont always get what we want.
hire a lawyer NOW!
Before the divorce you will have to go into mediation, the lawyers will explain everything to you. You dont need a lot of money to hire a decent lawyer, especially if your husband abuses drugs. It might be hard to prove by drug test, but eventually it will catch up to him, and he'll be jailed for buying crack or possession, and that will blow his chances even more.
He is trying to scare you, dont buy into it. He's so powerless right now, he's freaking out. You have a lot more power than you think. Find out what it is, and use it!
hire a lawyer NOW!
Before the divorce you will have to go into mediation, the lawyers will explain everything to you. You dont need a lot of money to hire a decent lawyer, especially if your husband abuses drugs. It might be hard to prove by drug test, but eventually it will catch up to him, and he'll be jailed for buying crack or possession, and that will blow his chances even more.
He is trying to scare you, dont buy into it. He's so powerless right now, he's freaking out. You have a lot more power than you think. Find out what it is, and use it!
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
In my personal experience, when they are screaming at you about how much they hate you, they are really talking to themselves.
And the truth is, they are much harder on themselves than they could ever be to you.
That said, you certainly don't have to listen to it. HIS problems are not YOUR problems. Therefore, YOU are not the cause of HIS problems. And he needs to figure that one out on his own.
And the truth is, they are much harder on themselves than they could ever be to you.
That said, you certainly don't have to listen to it. HIS problems are not YOUR problems. Therefore, YOU are not the cause of HIS problems. And he needs to figure that one out on his own.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
if he used crack for 6 years and jsut has not used in a month, he still has not addressed his issues. his wanting to continue to use something whether it is legal or not, shows that he is not willing to change himself. his lashing out does indicate him being unhappy with him. to answer the question, i do not think how he feels about you will change until he changes. you have become the enemy in this war where the addiction fights against those who stand in its way. of course i do not know the entire story, and base this just upon what was posted above. it is a terrible place to be in and i hope you find peace.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by nahird 
. I just want my old husband back because we have been married for 23 years with four daughter ages 22, 20, 6 and an infant. I guess my question is, will he ever look back and love me again and feel bad about what happened to our marriage?
Do their needs come before a hopeful fantasy?
Putting the crack pipe down for a pause is not recovery. Smoking spice is not recovery. There is nothing you can say or do that will cause him to stop or relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are. Recovery is 100% an inside job. It starts with taking responsibility. Blameshifting is the opposite of taking responsibility.
What do you want that you control?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 267
Synthetic marijuana is not legal: News from DEA, Domestic Field Divisions, Washington DC News Releases, 03/01/11
It's possible that enforcement is lax in your community. Also, family court judges can order urine screens if there are allegations of substance abuse (they may want to test you both). Some companies can test for synthetic marijuana but you generally have to request is specifically because it is expensive. More and more courts have access to such testing.
Relationship-wise, it's irrelevant whether or not what he's using is illegal. It's harming him and it's harming your family. I just wanted to let you know that what he's doing could help you in a custody dispute should it come to that.
I'm sorry you are going through this. He may feel differently some day and regret what is happening now...he also may not or may not allow himself to. Reading and going to Al-anon will help you figure out what will work for you and your family regardless of what he does or does not do.
It's possible that enforcement is lax in your community. Also, family court judges can order urine screens if there are allegations of substance abuse (they may want to test you both). Some companies can test for synthetic marijuana but you generally have to request is specifically because it is expensive. More and more courts have access to such testing.
Relationship-wise, it's irrelevant whether or not what he's using is illegal. It's harming him and it's harming your family. I just wanted to let you know that what he's doing could help you in a custody dispute should it come to that.
I'm sorry you are going through this. He may feel differently some day and regret what is happening now...he also may not or may not allow himself to. Reading and going to Al-anon will help you figure out what will work for you and your family regardless of what he does or does not do.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Marriage counseling with an active drug addict is completely ineffective and most marriage counselors refuse to counsel couples if one of them is in active addiction.
It is typical for crack addicts to go weeks or months between runs. Your husband is an active crack addict and he is building up to his next run. He is not interested in the marriage or in parenting.
You have a helpless infant and a six-year-old in your home who are at risk. This is not acceptable legally or morally.
Your choice now is to continue to live with a crack addict who is ruining the mental and emotional health of your family, or to contact an attorney about your legal rights in a separation or a divorce.
Hoping he will find some tenderness somewhere out in the distant future is not helpful in protecting your children.
You are the mother and you have a responsibility to make your home safe. You can do it. With support, counseling, recovery meetings, and legal action, you can do what is right.
Hoping you will.
It is typical for crack addicts to go weeks or months between runs. Your husband is an active crack addict and he is building up to his next run. He is not interested in the marriage or in parenting.
You have a helpless infant and a six-year-old in your home who are at risk. This is not acceptable legally or morally.
Your choice now is to continue to live with a crack addict who is ruining the mental and emotional health of your family, or to contact an attorney about your legal rights in a separation or a divorce.
Hoping he will find some tenderness somewhere out in the distant future is not helpful in protecting your children.
You are the mother and you have a responsibility to make your home safe. You can do it. With support, counseling, recovery meetings, and legal action, you can do what is right.
Hoping you will.
Linkin Park Enthusiast
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
My ABF keeps bugging me about court, should we ever break up.
To be honest, I think that is why I have been sticking around.
Two nights ago, I told him I am not even worried about him getting visitation because he has no permanent address and uses too many drugs. And the worst part is, he would be due for visitation and just blow off the baby because he is out getting high.
He had nothing to say.
When they realize that you take away their power when you stop believing their manipulations, it shocks them.
To be honest, I think that is why I have been sticking around.
Two nights ago, I told him I am not even worried about him getting visitation because he has no permanent address and uses too many drugs. And the worst part is, he would be due for visitation and just blow off the baby because he is out getting high.
He had nothing to say.
When they realize that you take away their power when you stop believing their manipulations, it shocks them.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 317
I think he does love you, and feels bad about what he does and says. It seems to be the addict talking. At this point he loves the drugs more. We all have great memories of the person our loved one used to be, but that fact is that it is not them today, and unfortunately it may never be them again. It is always up to them. Do you have family support that you have count on to help you?
Hugs
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