Experience
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Crazy Land USA
Posts: 259
Experience
Greetings all.
In Naranon and Alanon you hear people share about outside of meetings how they live with active addiction. Confuses me. Doesn't take much to confuse me though.
Dont' make life long decisions the first six months of recovery unless your safety is jeopardized. I am confused. Although I love my AH and want a sober life together as a couple I don't expect that to happen because I don't expect sobriety. So, I sit here watching the calendar for the six months to be up. It is like grieving the death of an ALO who is not dead. I don't foresee my future with this man because of this disease. I have a boundary...I will not be in a relationship with active addiction. Now I must act. I must plan my future. I feel so much sadness for his sufferring but yet at times I am angry for his using. But I take a second look at my anger and am I really angry at his using or am I angry because I supported him and I am taking his using again personally? I know he is doing what addicts do. Addicts use. Addicts lie to cover up their use. The drug is all they think about at any costs. I am a casuality of this war but it is a war I didn't sign up for and a war I don't want to be in. I want peace and serenity today and in my future. I am tired of living on this crazy train. I am tired of the hostility I feel and the anger that takes over.
Yesterday, my son who is 13 went into the the clothes dryer. Now I tell him all the time do not go in the dryer. He opens the door and slams it. Drives me crazy (far trip I know LOL). So I go into the laundry room and my dryer is making a funny sound. Here my son closed the door with a shirt hanging out and it literally caught up in the drum mechanism and now my dryer won't spin. Ok, he did what 13 year old boys do, not listen. So as a result his basketball jersey is destroyed. Ok, his consequence. But why do I take it to another level! I am salty and angry with him the entire night because now I have to go down to my mother's house to finish the wet clothes. I pretty much ignore him the rest of the evening. Do I have a five year extended warranty? Yes. Will it be fixed? Yes. Are they coming out tomorrow? Yes. Am I really angry at the dryer or my son? No. I am angry over the fact that my AH got high yesterday. See, this is what this disease has done to me! I am miserable, unhappy, crazy with anger and just plain crazy all the time. Lets not factor in the PMS time of the month and OH BOY can you say NUT JOB I AM!
I am powerless over this disease and the addict. I have power over me. I can't control it. I can't cure it. I didn't cause it. I won't contribute to it. I don't want to live with it. I do love the man behind the addiction. I hear all the time of people living with active addiction. Can anyone share their experience with living with active addiction? I have a hard time understanding how this is at all done. I have a child. I cannot permit drugs in my home for the sake of that child. I don't understand how you live with someone who is actively using. I feel living with someone in active addiction is like turning a blind eye to it. I know my AH would think it is party time if I did this.
In Naranon and Alanon you hear people share about outside of meetings how they live with active addiction. Confuses me. Doesn't take much to confuse me though.
Dont' make life long decisions the first six months of recovery unless your safety is jeopardized. I am confused. Although I love my AH and want a sober life together as a couple I don't expect that to happen because I don't expect sobriety. So, I sit here watching the calendar for the six months to be up. It is like grieving the death of an ALO who is not dead. I don't foresee my future with this man because of this disease. I have a boundary...I will not be in a relationship with active addiction. Now I must act. I must plan my future. I feel so much sadness for his sufferring but yet at times I am angry for his using. But I take a second look at my anger and am I really angry at his using or am I angry because I supported him and I am taking his using again personally? I know he is doing what addicts do. Addicts use. Addicts lie to cover up their use. The drug is all they think about at any costs. I am a casuality of this war but it is a war I didn't sign up for and a war I don't want to be in. I want peace and serenity today and in my future. I am tired of living on this crazy train. I am tired of the hostility I feel and the anger that takes over.
Yesterday, my son who is 13 went into the the clothes dryer. Now I tell him all the time do not go in the dryer. He opens the door and slams it. Drives me crazy (far trip I know LOL). So I go into the laundry room and my dryer is making a funny sound. Here my son closed the door with a shirt hanging out and it literally caught up in the drum mechanism and now my dryer won't spin. Ok, he did what 13 year old boys do, not listen. So as a result his basketball jersey is destroyed. Ok, his consequence. But why do I take it to another level! I am salty and angry with him the entire night because now I have to go down to my mother's house to finish the wet clothes. I pretty much ignore him the rest of the evening. Do I have a five year extended warranty? Yes. Will it be fixed? Yes. Are they coming out tomorrow? Yes. Am I really angry at the dryer or my son? No. I am angry over the fact that my AH got high yesterday. See, this is what this disease has done to me! I am miserable, unhappy, crazy with anger and just plain crazy all the time. Lets not factor in the PMS time of the month and OH BOY can you say NUT JOB I AM!
I am powerless over this disease and the addict. I have power over me. I can't control it. I can't cure it. I didn't cause it. I won't contribute to it. I don't want to live with it. I do love the man behind the addiction. I hear all the time of people living with active addiction. Can anyone share their experience with living with active addiction? I have a hard time understanding how this is at all done. I have a child. I cannot permit drugs in my home for the sake of that child. I don't understand how you live with someone who is actively using. I feel living with someone in active addiction is like turning a blind eye to it. I know my AH would think it is party time if I did this.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 61
I really feel for you.
In my area of the UK, I've come across other people who've been "told" that no changes can reasonably be expected within six months, or that it may take twelve months sobriety as a minimum before an alcoholics brain becomes "normal". We talk about periods of adjustment and expect that miraculously on the 181st day, our partner is going to metamorphose from a frog - or drowned trout - into a prince or princess.
As the responsible person in the relationship, your life is put on hold based upon an expectancy that your SO is going to change.
I think you need to concentrate upon your needs and how you feel. If you believe that there is something worth waiting for then wait. If you know that so much water has passed under the bridge as a result of your partner's drinking that your relationship can never recover, then end it, whether it's eighteen or one hundred and eighty days in to that period. Above all, be true to yourself.
If you have children and are feeling this way, then I would say that it's even more important, because if you're not honest with yourself and feel oppressed by the waiting, that resentment is guaranteed to come out and transfer to your children.
In my area of the UK, I've come across other people who've been "told" that no changes can reasonably be expected within six months, or that it may take twelve months sobriety as a minimum before an alcoholics brain becomes "normal". We talk about periods of adjustment and expect that miraculously on the 181st day, our partner is going to metamorphose from a frog - or drowned trout - into a prince or princess.
As the responsible person in the relationship, your life is put on hold based upon an expectancy that your SO is going to change.
I think you need to concentrate upon your needs and how you feel. If you believe that there is something worth waiting for then wait. If you know that so much water has passed under the bridge as a result of your partner's drinking that your relationship can never recover, then end it, whether it's eighteen or one hundred and eighty days in to that period. Above all, be true to yourself.
If you have children and are feeling this way, then I would say that it's even more important, because if you're not honest with yourself and feel oppressed by the waiting, that resentment is guaranteed to come out and transfer to your children.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
I've often heard the suggestion not to make life-changing decisions in the first year but ..... it's just a suggestion. It's not a bad suggestion but it's not some hard and fast rule.
Taking care of yourself and your son and your sanity should be at the top of the list.
With that said, I ended my 10 year relationship about 5 months into recovery. It's what I needed.
I make a similar suggestion to sponsees but I don't put a time frame on it. It's sort of silly to me. Everyone heals in their own time. Also, its difficult to heal while you're living a life full of triggers and chaos.
Taking care of yourself and your son and your sanity should be at the top of the list.
With that said, I ended my 10 year relationship about 5 months into recovery. It's what I needed.
I make a similar suggestion to sponsees but I don't put a time frame on it. It's sort of silly to me. Everyone heals in their own time. Also, its difficult to heal while you're living a life full of triggers and chaos.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by Farfalla 
Dont' make life long decisions the first six months of recovery unless your safety is jeopardized.
Maintaining a boundary of not exposing yourself or children to someone in active addiction is sound judgment and parenting. Safety is so much more than physical and includes the emotional aspect.
The boundary does not attempt to control him and his choices. If confronted with a situation that challenges your boundary, you take responsibility for it and either he or you and the children leave. It really is this simple.
It is very possible to love and care about someone and choose to not live with the insanity of addiction.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Crazy Land USA
Posts: 259
Originally Posted by outtolunch
I assume we are talking about your own recovery from codependency, here.
Maintaining a boundary of not exposing yourself or children to someone in active addiction is sound judgment and parenting. Safety is so much more than physical and includes the emotional aspect.
The boundary does not attempt to control him and his choices. If confronted with a situation that challenges your boundary, you take responsibility for it and either he or you and the children leave. It really is this simple.
It is very possible to love and care about someone and choose to not live with the insanity of addiction.
Maintaining a boundary of not exposing yourself or children to someone in active addiction is sound judgment and parenting. Safety is so much more than physical and includes the emotional aspect.
The boundary does not attempt to control him and his choices. If confronted with a situation that challenges your boundary, you take responsibility for it and either he or you and the children leave. It really is this simple.
It is very possible to love and care about someone and choose to not live with the insanity of addiction.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 61
Originally Posted by Farfalla
I need to be honest with myself and act. I know he has not hit his personal bottom yet. His bottom, his hoola hoop. I can only be concerned with myself and my children. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
If you feel that he hasn't bottomed or - even if he has - there's nothing left between you, then you should consider following your gut-instinct and acting appropriately.
Take a look at yourself in the mirror, watch yourself saying what you truly feel and see how that feels from an authenticity viewpoint. If you can comfortably stare yourself in the eye and say that it's over and mean it, then it is.
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