KelleyF

So what Im about to post has nothing to do with my BF addiction issues.

It is only about me; and be forewarned its a simple thing, and many will think it is just silly; but oh-well, maybe it will take your mind off your troubles for a moment.

I spent a couple of weeks simply obsessing over BF relapse, trying to solve the puzzke, analyzing everything, worrying, and worrying more.

I lost myself. I let go of my happiness to become codependent - only thinking about his DOC, his recovery, etc.

Last week when I arrived at work one morning; the security guard handed me a small box with a rose tied on it.

I opened the box and it was a really ugly wooly hat. Remarkably ugly. And a note from my BF that said "Now you have something else to think about"

So I laid that wooly hat on my desk with the rose, and all day people laughed at the hat. They told me how lucky I was to have such a sweet guy.
I smiled and laughed with them. I didnt worry all day.

My circumstances hadnt changed; but my focus changed; my attitude changed.

Ok I did worry a bit at first; did he really think this was an attractive hat? Does he expect me to wear this ugly hat on our weekend ski trip?

But those were normal silly worries; happy couple stuff.

Not like wasting time worrying about things I have no control over things that may or may not ever come to pass.

My grandmother once told me that in her day; fortune tellers were considered a source of evil. She said, God doesnt want you to know what lies ahead; he just wants you to trust him to give you the strength and wisdom to handle whatever comes your way.

So I dont know what the future holds, but that ugly wooly hat will most likely stay with me forever.

....and luckily yes, he intended for it to be ugly.

Hugs,
Kel

InnocntBystnder

All that way up to the point with the hat this has been me. My husband relapsed after several years in recovery. He is now working his program, restarted the 12 steps and is speaking daily with his sponser. Although this relapse didn't last as long as it could have (a few weeks), it sent me spiraling back to the place I don't want to be.

That is when I walked through the doors of Alanon again.

KelleyF

So glad that you too are getting those emotions under control.*

This was my 1st encounter with his drug problem; the relapse; the OD.*

And however wrong people may think it is; HE has helped me through it.
Just simple things like the ugly wooly hat; lead me to where I need to go for myself. *I'm still in awe at how he does this.

My BF isn't part of the 12 step ( I know this forum is really for 12 step folks)
he doesn't have a sponsor, he doesnt count days, he doesn't go to meetings. In fact he is seeing the psychiatrist in the middle of his work day. Kind of like it's just another appointment.*

I'm not criticizing the 12 steps; sponsors , or support groups. *I don't even know about them except what I've read here. *It works for a lot of people so more power to it.

It's sort of funny to me; when our relationship first turned serious; in his efforts to make me aware of what i was getting into - he had me go to a meeting from one of those groups. I don't know which group it was actually. *I asked him about it later; why he did that even though he doesn't believe in them; said it was to scare me.*

So now I have trouble thinking of them as healing.*
But I know that's all in my mind...

Happy for you!!!

hope213

kelley, i really wish u would go to a meeting. yes, i am a firm beliver of meetings for him & for u. maybe if u went he would go too. they are only 1 hr. long. try it!! those people have been or are in the same spot u r in. new friend,new beginnings!!

InnocntBystnder

I won't try to convince you about 12 step meetings because I couldn't go to one until I was completely broken and lost. This isn't my first rodeo so i've been to them before.

I'm not sure what kind of meeting that you were in but there are multiple meetings (even in my podunk town there are 2 within 15 minutes and about 8 within 30 minutes. I have found a good meeting this time and relate to the people. Nothing about it scares me.

The only time I was scared was when I first walked through the doors because then I was really admitting there was a serious problem that I could not fix. Facing that reality was hard.

I wish you luck.

MsPINKAcres

((kelley))

what a great post ~ glad you were able to take the focus off of everything else, relax and realize "It is what it is" and just do the "next right thing"

PINK HUGS
Rita

Cob

The success rate (abstaining from drinking) for people who are AA'ers is dismal at best...I believe the last numbers came in around 5%...for those 5 % that get it...more power to them but I personally don't believe that 95 % of those other people continue on in a state of addiction never to return to somewhat normal life again...whatever normal is anyways. I guess the thing I'm saying is that if it works for you and AA does for a large number of people I find that great...I find it wonderful...I find it spectacular...but for so many people it doesn't work and literally millions of people go on to succussfully quit abusing without being involved with a 12 step program...so if you don't go to meetings or you do go...do it because "YOU" think it's the right thing for "YOU" and not because some radical believes that because they are one of the chosen 5% that its the only way to get sober...and please understand I'm not talking to those of you for whom this shoe doesn't fit...if you're offended by what I've written then the shoe must fit.

Thanks
Cob

InnocntBystnder

This is for family members of addicts.

Kindeyes

Thank you for sharing the ugly wooley hat. My mother use to say "there's more than one way to skin a cat"......if I think of that literally it's pretty gross........but her intent of course was to say that there's often more than one way to accomplish something.

When it comes to sobriety or dealing with the fallout from being involved with an addict, I say "do whatever works". I can only speak to what works for me but I do understand that "there's more than one way to skin a cat".

gentle hugs
ke

KelleyF

Oh gosh....my grandma used to say that one too. It's not like once you hear that, you'll ever forget it. Makes you wonder just what went on in the old days
lol

But the point it makes- it's accurate

Thanks for your post !

KelleyF

The shoe doesn't seem to fit Cob....And Thank you for posting to me

Cob

It did seem to vibrate on at least one string and the note was just a tad sour for them ...oh well...I did love the story of your ugly hat too...I completely forgot to mention that because of the obnoxious views that meetings are the "ONLY" way or that 12 Steps are the only step in town...well, the truth can set you free or get one's gums to flapping...regards Kelly...I too have lived with an addict as well as been subject to the pains of addiction so I know full well both sides of the coin. The truth is we are all broken in various ways and the healing balm of life is love...not AA or 12-Step mania, those are obvious tools that a very minute number of my fellow brethren and sisters of humanity have chose to find healing only to find that it's all about "love". You keep on keeping on Kelly and you and your mate will do just fine in life...you will also get tripped up, fall down, go splat, but at the end of the day, get back up, brush yourselves off and kiss one another good night...and remember never let the sun go down on your wrath, it makes for a long night of little sleep....love to you and yours

Peace
Cob

Kindeyes

I love SR. I love to hear about all of the positive ways that people are recovering from their addictions or how people cope with the addiction of their loved ones. I benefit from the tools that others bring here. Some are 12 step related and some are not. As long as the tone rings a positve note, I'm all for it. I am one of the "thems" who have been helped by 12 step programs and will share that with which I have experience. But I certainly won't discount or berate or make fun of anyone who has found comfort, serenity, recovery (call it what you will) in another way that works for them. I would really like to hear the specifics of those experiences.

The wooley hat was a truly wonderful example of how you are dealing with the addiction of your boyfriend. It provides a great alternative source of encouragement to those who find 12 step programs "not their cup of tea". Keep sharing. Others do benefit from your experiences.

gentle hugs
ke

lesliej

what the hello is with this statement...

"not because some radical believes that because they are one of the chosen 5% that its the only way to get sober...and please understand I'm not talking to those of you for whom this shoe doesn't fit...if you're offended by what I've written then the shoe must fit."

I love how you COB call someone who might deliver their msg with a 12 steps suggestion as a "radical" WTF???

It's also conveniently absolute to claim that if someone is "offended" that they are one of those "radicals". Maybe you can just continue making your own suggestions...offer your ES&H of how it has all worked for you, and keep your judgement off of other people's efforts at recovery. why do you feel the need to go across lines and cancel other people's voices?

I would also LOVE to know where you came up with your "literal" figures of MILLIONS of people...I would pass along your, i'm sure well researched, figures to my sister in public health policy in DC, and to a handful of CD counselors here in Minnesota...land of 10,000 recovery centers. and not all of them are 12 step either! go figure!

lay off with the judgement, you sound like a dry drunk without a program...or a frustrated codependent without someone to control! Obnoxious? look in the mirror

laurie6781

Cob sad to say your statistics are phony. Why? No records are kept of who goes to AA meetings and how many years they go. No questionnaires are given out to be filled in. There is ABSOLUTELY NO WAY FOR ANYONE DOING RESEARCH ON AA to get accurate figures.

Also, many that stay in recovery, do NOT continue to got to lots of meetings for the rest of their lives. I am one of those. If I get to a meeting every 2 or 3 months it is a lot. So if I am to believe those statistics, because I no longer attend on a regular basis I must be part of the 95%. NOT. I am sober and clean over 30 years. Now why do I not continue to fill my life with meetings (which btw are not 'the program' but are the 'fellowship' of AA) because part of what we learn is how to use our 'tools' in the real world. How to get on with our lives and become functioning productive members of society.

That being said, you seem to have a real 'hate' for 12 step of any kind.

Also, going to some face to face Alanon or Naranon meetings does not necessarily mean you have to commit to 'the program.' Again, the meetings ARE NOT the program of Alanon and/or Naranon but they ARE the FELLOWSHIP. What it does say is that one is trying to find others in the same boat. Folks who have gone through or are going through what I am. Folks who I can go to coffee with, maybe vent a bit, and they won't think I am totally off the wall. (Friends and family not involved with an A don't get it).

On here if you bother to read the old threads you will see that most of us suggest face to face meetings as only a 'part' of the codie trying to get better. To compare AA and Alanon is like trying to compare apples to oranges.

And if we could 'love' our As back to a healthy clean and/or sober person, NONE of us would be here.

I get the hat Kelley and I understand his thinking in giving it to you and your reaction to it, roflmao I really appreciate you posting about it. It sure made me 'stop and think'.

You keep asking your questions Kelley, and we will keep responding with our own personal Experience, Strength and Hope.

Love and hugs,

EJG123

Kelley- Thanks for the story. I personally have an ugly wooly cat who does the trick for me.

Ann

You know, what started as a good thread of sharing one person's experience has turned into an ugly debate of 12 step vs non-12 step and I am closing this thread right now.

Maybe those who are debating here might take pause and assess how their recovery or lack of it is reflected here. If you have been drawn into putting down anyone here, you may want to go look in the mirror and see how that looks.

We are a forum of many programs and methods of recovery, each has helped some of us and we share how here. To flame another's method of recovery is against the rules and quite frankly shameful.

To those who have posted supportively and respectfully, thank you.

Now let's all go welcome the next newcomer that walks in the door...regardless of which path they took to get here.

Thank you all for understanding.

Ann