TitiEmily

My son, who absconded from his court ordered drug treatment program, is refusing to turn himself in to the courts until "after the holidays." Of course, you know what will happen after the holidays... he will need to wait just a few more days for some reason... and then just until next week for some other reason... and then he will PROMISE to do it next month.

In the meantime, if he gets arrested on another charge, he will have to do even MORE jail time.

I know where he is, and I actually tried to call the police to have him picked up, but they said that unless I was there, and he was right in front of me, and I could give them the warrant number, they would not come pick him up.

He has court on Wednesday. I could go to court and tell them where he is...but he would know I had done it, and I don't know if I have the strength to do it. I feel like he would never speak to me again. I keep trying to convince him to turn himself in, but I know it is useless.

Has anyone ever faced a situation like this before? How did you handle it?

Impurrfect

(((Emily))) - No, I've never had to do this, and though a part of me says he needs to deal with the consequences, I know if it was my niece, I'd be really torn Hopefully, someone will come along with some ES&H, but am sending you lots of hugs and prayers in the meantime.

Amy

kittenkaboodle

I've sent my daugter to jail numerous times. One of which was the same situation as yours. My girl had an outstanding warrant, but I didn't turn her in because I thought that she was doing well. When I found out that she had been shooting up and prostituting at the ripe old age of 17, I called the police on her for the outstanding warrant. She tried running from my house, so I tackled her. She beat the hell out of me, but I was able to restrain her until they arrived. Then she had a domestic violence charge added to her existing warrant for probation violation. My face was bloody and I had a huge, blood filled egg under my eye. She sat in handcuffs in the police car staring at what her addiction did to my face. She needed to see the insanity. I would have done her a disservice by not making her face the consequences. I know that it goes against our maternal instinct to protect, but I think that it was the best thing that I did. She knew that I did it out of love, not vindictness and doesn't hate me for doing it. In fact, she told me that she respected me for not enabling her.
Having said this, she's still using and I've had no contact for three weeks. I told her that I will make her usage so difficult because I will have her arrested every time that I'm aware that she's committing a crime and she knows that momma doesn't play. I wish you and your son well... My daughter has no love or respect for my ex because he does nothing to hold her accountable. In fact, he tells her to just smoke pot and stop using Roxys and/or Heroin. Good advice dippy do.. They know that the people who really care for them are the ones who care enough to help them even if they don't realize it right away.

kittenkaboodle

One other thing.. I told my daughter, who's now 18, that she might as well get used to jail because if she continues her drug use, jail will be her new best friend. Unless they win the lottery, they're gonna have to do something nefarious to afford their habit; hence, arrests and jail. ..or DUI's... ..or they wll be hanging with other addicts who are committing crimes and they'll get caught up in it.

The actor, Robert Downey Jr, said that jail saved his life and he'd still be using if he wasn't incarcerated for two yrs. It was his low..

langkah

I didn't send my son to jail, he did that himself through his actions. I made arrangements to have him at my house at a certain time for the police to pick up, so all parties knew what would happen and there was no threat to the officers and less danger to my son.

He had his last drink in jail during that stretch and has been sober now close to 10 years.

kittenkaboodle

Good point. THEIR actions sent them to jail. Glad to hear that he's been sober so long!!

TitiEmily

Well, this morning at 7:30, the cops showed up at my house and arrested my son on the warrant. Yes, he had been staying at my house. In some ways I am relieved that it is done, in some ways angry at myself for not turning him in like I should have. I feel like I got sucked in to the "trying to control." I was going to be able to talk him into turning himself in at his court date. If I couldn't do that, I was going to control when and how and why he got picked up by the cops. When the truth is, this was never mine to control...so I made stupid decisions and have probably gotten myself into trouble, too. It all seems so clear in hindsight...I really messed up.

Freedom1990

I was in a similar situation years ago, only my AD had shown up with both grandkids in tow. It was a difficult situation. Thankfully when they showed up to arrest her several days later, the grandkids were back with their dad/stepmom, and didn't have to see their mother arrested. It was a humiliating experience, and never again will I put myself in that position.

Sending gentle hugs of support.

devastated

I never remember calling the police on my son; however, there were numerous times I wanted to call his parole officer to report what he was doing. I never had to do it because it was only a matter of time before he got caught anyway.

I actually believe when all his options ran out he would set himself up to be arrested so he would have a warm place to stay. I don't believe any of them really enjoy that life..it's a really hard life!

Keep the faith, and remember what is destined to happen will happen.

Hugs, Devastated

TitiEmily

Just got a call from my son (from the pay phone in court holding cell, I guess). He screamed at me for opening the door for the cops, then told me he's "disconnecting" me from his life and hung up on me. I am surprisingly calm...I have been caught up in his craziness for too long, and need to do a little "disconnecting" myself.

I have decided not to go to his court date tomorrow. I have to go to work; I am in the middle of transitioning to a new position (promotion), and have been completely stressed out by everything happening with my son, and am way behind. In the past, I would have called out of work anyway, because I would not have been able to stand missing a court date. But all that is going to happen is, he will be remanded back to jail, and probably a court date will be set for January when his lawyer returns from vacation. If I need to take a day off, I will save it for January, when something might actually happen.

I kind of feel bad, because I don't want my son to think that I responded to his threat of disconnecting me by abandoning him. BUT, I also feel like maybe he needs to know that I am not going to make his craziness the center of my life anymore.

This is not easy, is it? But I feel much calmer than I have in a while.

Impurrfect

(((Emily))) - I think you're doing the right thing by not going to court tomorrow. As far as what he thinks, he probably is angry but he has yet to realize that anger is more at HIMSELF than at you. It took me a while to get that, too.

I know this is hard on you, but I really do think you're doing remarkably well, and though he doesn't see it now, his chances of "getting it" are a lot better when he's allowed to deal with the consequences of his actions. I've screamed, yelled, threaten to kill myself, etc. to my dad, but in the end, I've told him how much I appreciate what he did, and didn't do.

YAY for you on the promotion!!

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

devastated

Sounds like he still has drugs in his system. Soon as he gets clean he will be sorry for what he said.

I agree with your decision not to go to court. You really need to concenttrate on your new promotion. You're right it takes forever for anything to get settled anyway. Besides, what good is it to be there. It's not like you have any control over the decisions they make.

Stay strong, the best way to get them to stop drugs is not to play into their craziness. Believe me, he knows you haven't abandoned him.

Hugs, Devastated

kittenkaboodle

Do you know how many times I've had to stop my life to clean up my AD's messes? I've left dinner dates to pick her up from the ER. I've had to wake up at the crack of dawn to spend ALL day sitting around a Courthouse. Been humiliated in front of my neighbors when the police were looking for her at my home on numerous occasions. Had to cancel my pre-paid ($1500) trip to the Chicago Blues Festival because she was released early from jail and I couldn't leave her at home alone if I wanted my clothes, furniture, jewelry and money to be there when I returned. It goes on and on.. Time to live our lives. We didn't sign up for this mess. The fun part is that I don't drink or drug, so while she's out there stoned 24/7 feeling nothing, I'm feeling the pain. No more..

hope2be

Emily,

I have done what you are doing for 10 yrs and the only result is that the insanity escalated to a new all time high.

I have never been arrested and have had the police here more times than I want to count. I have missed work, worked without sleep - dealing with "their crisis", spent money and isolated myself because of embarrassment. AND...I still let them live with me to boot!

I am currently trying to dig myself out of this rut. I messed up too. We just need to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and learn the lesson God has put in front of us.

If I die tomorrow, no one will come into my home and take care of these adult children. This thought is a driving force for me to take care of myself and let them take care of themselves.

All of these post help me to see myself and my situation as it truly is...trying to control the uncontrollable.

Huggs to you,
Hope

Joe3716

Emily,

I am the police and have dealt with taking my own sons (two of them) to court, followed one of them to his dealer and arrested him, went to court and visited prisons in three states, and now have to visit one at his grave.

My suggestion is that you take a free day and use it doing something for you. Never miss the chance to tell your son/daughter you love them, but start taking care of you. Good luck and God bless.

Ilovemysonjj

Emily, I also had my son arrested. He stole, stole stole and lied lied lied for 2 years. I take responsibility for allowing it to continue. During that entire time, I thought I was controlling the situation. I was absolutely NOT in control, the addict was in control. When they arrested my son, he broke down 3 days later (when the Heroin was exiting his system) and then for the next 4 months, very little contact. I would send him emails every few days and he called maybe once a month. He wrote 2 letters to us (one of which was his true bottom I believe ). When he went to rehab, (since 10-24) we have seen him twice. He is doing so much better than before and my sincere prayers and hope are for his ongoing choice of sobriety. It takes a lot of personal soul searching, pain and suffering in the beginning to let your child go, but once you do, things start to happen. I will pray for you and your peace during this painful time.
PS: The same cop who arrested my son was called out to my house for a breaking and entering in my car, and he specifically said, "I remember you. I was here for your son a few months ago". Talk about familiarity with the cops, we had them out at our house for 3 different occasions during the height of my sons addiction at home.

Hugs,
Teresa

TitiEmily

Just want to say a sincere thank you to all of you for sharing your experiences with me. It is so good to know that I am not alone, that I am not the only one who has deteriorated into a crazy person because of someone else's addiction. I have felt so scared and alone for so long...thank you for helping me feel part of a human community again.

Heartbroken0608

There are more of us crazy parents than i ever imagined possible. Sometimes I wonder if instead of going to all these "anonymous" meetings we might be able to effect some change by being more open about the struggles we are all living with. Drugs are killing our kids.. If it were cancer people would be holding fundraisers for us but because it's drugs we keep it secret and meet in silence to help heal our sorrow. Im getting angry..

hope2be

Heartbroken: I totally agree! When I read your post, I looked around the neighborhood and realized their are more households dealing with chemical addiction than functional families. I mean, it's been occuring in epidemic proportions. The government does epidemic studies on lots of things, why not this? Drug addiction diagnosis and all its dysfunctions are classified under behavioral health.

It's not like the John Q Public cannot see what is going on. The message about living in this chaos needs to go public and say....don't try this at home (and alone)!!

Drugs are a cancer. It eats at you and your loved ones until there is nothing left.

Just my 2 cents,
Hope

langkah

Here's a look at what societies have tried to get a handle on this in the past. It's a long read but I found the parallels between society's search for an answer and what families also individually try in the course of this thing to be very striking.

Seems like it's all there.

"What Shall we do with the Inebriate?" Asylum Treatment and the Disease Concept of Alcoholism in the Late Nineteenth Century - Footnotes to the History of Psychiatry

Those who want society to fix this may want to review what's been tried, in order to narrow down what's left to try.