sara11

Hi guys, I'm new here and so so happy I have found you. My husband is addicted to cocaine and possibly oxycodene. We have been married for 1 1 /2 years and together for 6 1 /2. I started suspecting a couple years ago, but was in denial. I didn't want to believe that he had been hiding this from me. I would tell myself that "this would be his last time" over and over again. I finally confronted him about it a couple months ago and he didn't admit, but did not deny it. I told him that it's important that we talk about it, that we are husband and wife and need to be able to tell eachother everything, even if it's difficult and we feel uncomfortable or ashamed. He said that he wasn't ready to talk. I knew then, for sure, that he had been using. It's so painful to know that he has been lying, manipulating and deceiving me all of these years.

He really has two completely opposite sides! most of the time, he is Mr. perfect, MORE than I could ever ask for. I now feel as though all the good that he does is to "make up for" the bad. I KNOW that he has a genuinly good heart in there and truly desires to be good, I can tell. He always says he wants to be a man of God. I can tell he means it, he wants more than anything be "good", but this addiction has such a hold on him, it's crazy!!!! I do hold him accountable, but i also know that he has lost control, or thinks he has.

I can not do this forever, he won't even talk to me about it, if I bring anything up, he gets quiet and upset, he will just take off. He does NOT want to talk about it and does not want ANYONE to know.

I know that I am at a point were, for my own well being, I need to give him an ultimatum. It will not be easy. I am terrified of being without him, however, I can not live like this, with the lies and secrets and manipulating for the rest of my life. It's not fair to me!!

I am very close to his parents and feel like I need to make them aware of the issue ( we live very close to them). Do you guys think it would be a terrible idea to bring them "into" this. I am just worried about what would happen if I did leave. I feel like if we get this "out in the open" , maybe that would be a positive thing, although he would be furious that his parents knew (he is very ashamed and would NOT want them to know) I wonder if an intervention should be the next step, however I have a very good feeling that he would deny it and would not go to a recovery clinic. I don't know that there is a way to "force" him to go.

Any encouragment, opinions, help would be VERY much appreciated. Thank You!!!!!

Ilovemysonjj

Hi Sara and welcome. I am not in the same situation because my A is my son, BUT i would say as a mother, I would want to know if there was anything I could do to help. Sadly, addicts live in the darkness, and any attempt to draw them in the light is futile until they choose to come to the light. There is a ton of wisdom on this site and I know may people who have an addicted spouse will provide you with excellent support.
Hang in there

dollydo

Welcome, we are all just as sick as our secrets, both his and yours.

His parents probably already know that there is something wrong with their son, it is just easier to not acknowledge or address it. Parents are real good at denial, maybe, if we just pretend there is not a problem, it will resolve itself and go away...unfortunately, with addiction, that is not how it works.

Have you read all the stickies at the top of this forum? If not, I would suggest that you do so. Also, if you are not attending meetings, I would check out your local Naranon meetings.

He is in the throws of active addiction, and you are in the throws of active codpendency, both of you are unhealthy at this juncture. You do not have to be a codependent all your life, you can get well, he, however, will be an addict all his life, his disease has no cure, it is just a matter of whether he is using or not, that's it.

Work on you, your recovery, his is totally up to him.

outtolunch

From the sound of it, he's likely going to persist regardless of what you do or not. Ultimatums don't work. If they did, none of us would be here and there would be no such thing as addiction.

His brain has been rewired by a nasty combo of drugs to protect and sustain his addiction. Going silent, getting upset nd storming out the door is addiction's way of manipulating you to back off.

For your own well being, define some boundaries. Can you accept him as is/where is? Are you OK living with someone in active addiction? If it's unacceptable, take responsibility for your boundary and remove yourself from the situation.

You did not cause this.
You cannot control this.
You cannot cure this.

What do you expect to accomplish by bringing his parents into this?