I wanted him to exist
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: virginia
Posts: 28
I wanted him to exist
My therapist said I waited the years when were apart for him to be alive, to get better, and when he contacted me and started a tumultous path toward recovery, I eventually believed it. I believed it, and I don't feel like a fool.
When we decided to get married as part of his new life, he cried softly but later on he couldn't even remember the emotions he went through. I was a compromise, the marriage, as part of his sobriety. He would have preferred to have stayed with the trailer park "meth hag" (the detective shared with me his nickname for her) whose baby was taken away from her because it was born high on meth. He thought she looked like Reese Witherspoon when she really looked like she had been hung out to dry a long time ago. But I detached myself from all of that and went to an Al-anon meeting. I was a smart educated women, luminous and funny and recognized his addict mindset.
He would burst out of his mindset to talk about his experiments he was planning on how to make trees grow faster. He thought it would really benefit the economy and he knew the science. In those moments, he glowed. In moments like that he saw me, he saw my support, he understood what was going on. He repeatedly said, "One of the main reasons I love you is because you don't tell me what to do. You let me figure it out for myself". In the beginning, he knew when he got frustrated or wanted drugs, that he needed to go to a meeting. But there were a lot of emotional setbacks, like a cancer diagnosis and oral surgery. He became darker and darker, cruelty set in and he wanted nothing else but drugs.
He didn't want to go to meetings with his sponsor anymore, the one who he found out was gay and trying every which way to get into his pants. He wanted to go to meetings with me. That behavior -- of selling his body, anything for drugs, to be taken care of and not be responsible -- was rearing its head inside of him. He hated how uncomfortable and dirty his sponsor made him feel but his thirst for drugs, his inability to cope with everything was more powerful than his feeling of disgust.
I believed in his slow painful recovery but he exploded from all life delivered him. He started smoking weed when he was 9, robbing and stealing for meth when he was 12. A very astute drug counselor said it might be too late, he had been in it for too long and I understood what she was saying when he smashed my computer, threatened and got violent with me, stole my cell phone.. over weed. He also went back to his old thought pattern of giving himself up sexually for money, saying he could get his sponsor to pay our power bill, that he could get his laptop, etc. I stood in my living room watching my husband crash and burn. He did it without heroin, without robbing a house. He said, "you shouldn't have ******* married me if you couldn't handle me. I'm a drug addict. I'm a polysubstance abuser". He declared himself like he was unfixable. Days before this happened, he started fasting, eating only cheese, which, I guess, is typical of a polysubstance abuser who needs to control every part of his reality, his consciousness. Movies, cheese, weed were not enough that night. Now he had to control me, I had to get in line.
He believed he would get better. He told everyone, his parole officer, the detectives, anyone who wanted to see him flourish. He made up a song about how he would follow me anywhere, because he knew I believed in him. He turned himself into jail so he could start a new life.
That night he was violent, I tried to explain codependent to him. I said it was when you felt you could not take care of yourself without the other person, that you could not live without the other person. He got very defensive when I said that, and right after that, I told him I did not need him, I decimated his co-dependent bond with me. His sobriety was completely dependent on my believing in him, and he wanted me to believe in him no matter what, love him no matter what the cost, even if he physically hurt me.
I wanted him to take my support and run with it, believe in himself, be sober for himself. He is in jail now on all counts of violence, theft, vandalism, etc and will be there for awhile. I do not feel guilty for letting go, though it hurts like a mother ******. It is like finding a beautiful dirty pearl on the beach and watching a violent tide come in and take it away. I don't know if he will ever be strong enough to be sober on his own, take care of himself on his own, feel that disgust for people who want to use him and fight it, rise above it, and slowly embrace his dreams about trees. I don't know but I can't be there. I waited for all of this to happen, for him to see through the haze, but I did not wait for him to hurt me.
He might make it, he really might, but I can't wait for him anymore. I am young, my whole life ahead of me. It will take years of work for him to get to a place where he can really live. I wish him well, I ask God to watch out for him but I am letting go. I'll probably cry for weeks but I'll move on.
When we decided to get married as part of his new life, he cried softly but later on he couldn't even remember the emotions he went through. I was a compromise, the marriage, as part of his sobriety. He would have preferred to have stayed with the trailer park "meth hag" (the detective shared with me his nickname for her) whose baby was taken away from her because it was born high on meth. He thought she looked like Reese Witherspoon when she really looked like she had been hung out to dry a long time ago. But I detached myself from all of that and went to an Al-anon meeting. I was a smart educated women, luminous and funny and recognized his addict mindset.
He would burst out of his mindset to talk about his experiments he was planning on how to make trees grow faster. He thought it would really benefit the economy and he knew the science. In those moments, he glowed. In moments like that he saw me, he saw my support, he understood what was going on. He repeatedly said, "One of the main reasons I love you is because you don't tell me what to do. You let me figure it out for myself". In the beginning, he knew when he got frustrated or wanted drugs, that he needed to go to a meeting. But there were a lot of emotional setbacks, like a cancer diagnosis and oral surgery. He became darker and darker, cruelty set in and he wanted nothing else but drugs.
He didn't want to go to meetings with his sponsor anymore, the one who he found out was gay and trying every which way to get into his pants. He wanted to go to meetings with me. That behavior -- of selling his body, anything for drugs, to be taken care of and not be responsible -- was rearing its head inside of him. He hated how uncomfortable and dirty his sponsor made him feel but his thirst for drugs, his inability to cope with everything was more powerful than his feeling of disgust.
I believed in his slow painful recovery but he exploded from all life delivered him. He started smoking weed when he was 9, robbing and stealing for meth when he was 12. A very astute drug counselor said it might be too late, he had been in it for too long and I understood what she was saying when he smashed my computer, threatened and got violent with me, stole my cell phone.. over weed. He also went back to his old thought pattern of giving himself up sexually for money, saying he could get his sponsor to pay our power bill, that he could get his laptop, etc. I stood in my living room watching my husband crash and burn. He did it without heroin, without robbing a house. He said, "you shouldn't have ******* married me if you couldn't handle me. I'm a drug addict. I'm a polysubstance abuser". He declared himself like he was unfixable. Days before this happened, he started fasting, eating only cheese, which, I guess, is typical of a polysubstance abuser who needs to control every part of his reality, his consciousness. Movies, cheese, weed were not enough that night. Now he had to control me, I had to get in line.
He believed he would get better. He told everyone, his parole officer, the detectives, anyone who wanted to see him flourish. He made up a song about how he would follow me anywhere, because he knew I believed in him. He turned himself into jail so he could start a new life.
That night he was violent, I tried to explain codependent to him. I said it was when you felt you could not take care of yourself without the other person, that you could not live without the other person. He got very defensive when I said that, and right after that, I told him I did not need him, I decimated his co-dependent bond with me. His sobriety was completely dependent on my believing in him, and he wanted me to believe in him no matter what, love him no matter what the cost, even if he physically hurt me.
I wanted him to take my support and run with it, believe in himself, be sober for himself. He is in jail now on all counts of violence, theft, vandalism, etc and will be there for awhile. I do not feel guilty for letting go, though it hurts like a mother ******. It is like finding a beautiful dirty pearl on the beach and watching a violent tide come in and take it away. I don't know if he will ever be strong enough to be sober on his own, take care of himself on his own, feel that disgust for people who want to use him and fight it, rise above it, and slowly embrace his dreams about trees. I don't know but I can't be there. I waited for all of this to happen, for him to see through the haze, but I did not wait for him to hurt me.
He might make it, he really might, but I can't wait for him anymore. I am young, my whole life ahead of me. It will take years of work for him to get to a place where he can really live. I wish him well, I ask God to watch out for him but I am letting go. I'll probably cry for weeks but I'll move on.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: virginia
Posts: 28
It is very hard. Sometimes I find myself crying, wanting to drive down to the jail and plead my case, but I know it will fall on deaf ears and a hurting heart. He kept screaming at me, saying all these horrible things, asking me why I needed a husband if I would not let him help me pay the bills. I needed him because I loved him, but he needed me so he could stay protected in his addiction mindset. I hope someday I can tell him all these things about why I loved him and why he was a husband to me which had nothing to do with paying the power bill.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: ann arbor, mi
Posts: 18
I admire your strength! I was engaged to an opiate addict for a year. Watched him halfheartedly go thru three different tries at recovery and relapse everu time. Even when he was in recovery he acted like a narcissistic addict. I always thought everything would be fine if he was in recovery but I am realizing that my standards are too high for him. He doesnt really have any qualities I want in a partner. He may never be the man i dreamed he would be. His mom told me to forget him amd that heroin would always rule his brain. Still I stayed on. But not anymore. He is sopposedly in recovery but my gut tells me he is faking it like usual. And that's ok. I can Karen to be happy whether he is using or not. Last time I saw him he was in recovery bit talking aboit how he would smoke weed when he is released from parole. I ran away as fast as I could because I know where any drug will lead....lies, theft, heartbreak, heroin. He is not serious. But I am finally serious about my recovery. And the future feels brighter already. I can relate to the pain in your heart. I was so in love with him. We had baby names picked out. Every morning is tough, I think of him and wonder how he is doing. I wonder if he misses me. I wonder if he is using. Time will tell if he changes and by that time I hope I am more secure with myself to say no if he wants to try again. That is my goal. Just wanted to thank you for your post, it hit home with me. The XABF hit me one night when he was drunk, by accident, but it hurt. He didnt remember and didnt seem apologetic. I've seen him get violent many times. Glad I didn't wait for gim to hurt me either. Again anyway. Thanks again!!!! It's good to know people are going thru the same thing and we are not all crazy!!!! Zoxoxoxoxoxox
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: virginia
Posts: 28
I just found out my husband will at least be in jail till the end of January, probably until summer of 2012, maybe more. I was so relieved to the point of tears. I hear you about the apathy towards violence and destruction; it is terrifying because abusing and hitting means nothing to them. How can they value our lives, the sanctity of the relationship, if they cannot value their own lives? I looked at my broken Apple monitor and said to myself that could have been my head.
And I hear you about the love. My husband was very excited about having children, about having a life. We named our future children, but then he would go off about how he was going to discipline them. Never about joy, always about darkness and punishment.
And I hear you about the love. My husband was very excited about having children, about having a life. We named our future children, but then he would go off about how he was going to discipline them. Never about joy, always about darkness and punishment.
Still Standing
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
I just want to thank you both for sharing your experiences honestly here. I'm so sorry for what you both have gone through but it does seem like you are each coming out of it stronger & more aware of who you are & what you really want in life. I'm so glad that neither of you are willing to put up with the violence. That should NEVER be allowed to happen. I am the Mother of a grown addict son, who has never been violent, but his wife says that she's noticed him getting more & more aggressive during this year. I have to hope that he never goes that far, but if it ever does, I will do everything in my power to protect her & my grandbabies from that.
I really hope that you both will continue to come back here and share, so that we can watch you both grow into beautiful & strong women with a wonderful future away from all of the darkness.
I really hope that you both will continue to come back here and share, so that we can watch you both grow into beautiful & strong women with a wonderful future away from all of the darkness.
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