toughLittleGirl

Oops I meant to write gavetoomuch not eyes. But this info is for all of course. Xoxoxoxo

lesliej

yes Smart Little Grrrrl! I think I was used as a "beard" for my exABF too. If he had a relationship going on it certainly couldn't be that bad right?? Especially a woman (ME) that his family really liked! I have been sober 6 years, I have my jobs and education, and my home (well...I pay rent to the bank and I just pretty well have my act together! I truly believe he used me as part of his mask...and kept me in the dark about how bad it was for as long as he could. My codependent tendencies went along for the ride and my high on love (addicts can REALLLLLLY turn on the charm!!!!) kept me in denial. Not only that but I have a fierce and joyful faith in recovery.

This final step...having him move out and go no contact is amazing. I finally feel free of a burden, a dying horse that I was dragging around. I was afraid of losing love, of losing my "supply". Being charmed, romanced and used by an active addict is NOT LOVE! at least not the kind of love I want and am able to give!

Gavetoomuch

I was thinking earlier today that I was in love with the guy that came back to town (small town we knew each other in high school and hated each other then). The guy who didn't touch pills, the sober one. Now, I have no idea where that guy went and you guys are right. The words and everything are nice, but the way that I was treated was not worth it. I wrote a letter to him that I don't intend to send and I'm going to destroy it here shortly. Maybe not tonight, but I know me it will happen. I feel like being on here and being able to write to people who actually seem to care and have words of wisdom help a lot. I want so bad to go to a meeting and I'm hoping I get the chance to go to one on Wednesday, as long as I can find a ride and a babysitter, but I don't see that being a problem considering my family is totally and 100% for this. I think I stayed so I didn't have to be lonely, but looking back I really was.

Gavetoomuch

Went to my first meeting today. Not really sure what I was looking to get out of it, but I know that I lost it when I left and got back in my car. If I can't break down in front of these people, who are not there to judge me and I know this, how am I going to be able to open up and let go, even if it does take time? I don't know if that made any sense, so if someone can help me clarify it....

dollydo

All I can say is that I've been there, sharing was difficult for me. I attempted to deal with my mothers alcoholism, by myself, for 50 years, then in my inifinate wisdom I hooked up with a drug addict/alcoholic/sometimes porn addict.

My embarssment kept me in a prison with invisible bars. Time, sitting quietly, observing others in meetings made me realize that we were ALL there for the same reason, to get healthy...we had a common goal.

Be patient, this recovery thing is all about progress, not perfection.

lesliej

There have been times when I have been very afraid to let myself cry because I felt, or knew, that once the crying started I would "break down" and have a hard time stopping. Of course in our culture the intense show of emotions isn't very accepted. I am pretty sure I could assure you that probably every member has earned their seat by crying through a meeting at some point.

When I have cried at a meeting I have been gently comforted, sometimes by people just letting me be. I have had the experience that at al anon meetings people don't rush in to try to "save you". We all need the release sometimes. The hopeful outlook is this...that the people who are sitting there NOT crying really are in a peaceful happy place most of the time. We all struggle, but the al anon program WORKS...BIG TIME.

I felt a shift in my spirit and changes in my attitude pretty quickly. Every ounce of strength that I have today, every hopeful, happy, lesson-learned bit of bountiful gratitude that fills most of my day...is due to being lovingly and encouragingly guided on a path of recovery. No one has ever told me what to do. (I kind of like the edge of that on this sight!)

I hope you keep going back and experience the embrace, I am quite sure that your soul needs it!

Justlizzyd

Go and listen if that is all you can do. It's almost as if we have been in a war. Most the time the war has been with ourself but also with addiction. At first, it's like we are in a state of shell shock. Sometimes it takes time for the barriers to start coming down. I have cried a lot in my car. It's okay!

outtolunch

Most the of the worst decisions we make about relationships are rooted in lonliness. Sounds like you maybe fell in love with your own fantasy of what you wanted/needed him to be. In the end, he sounds like just another immature bio dad, not capable of being responsible.

Your child will not remember him. That's the BF's loss.

Gavetoomuch

Out - Yea I know. I just never thought I would be a single parent. I'm also scared when he asks me where is father is how I tell him. I've got some support from a cousin who went through the same thing just a little bit ago and she's been trying to help me.

I'm just worried that he's going to do something stupid, more than likely OD because now he's not nothing left, and I'm never going to know. Deep down I know that it the addiction that is controlling him and that I need to keep with this no contact, but I cared so much for him that this is proving to be so hard.

As for my son, he may not remember him in the long run, but for right now I know he knows something is up. While he is still young, when he saw him outside the store last week my son knew who is was. I could tell he did. He's young but he's not stupid. He had a set routine at night where he got a phone call from his father just before he went to bed and he's been acting up at night since I've said I'm done. He looks at the phone and says "Dada" (he does say different names for different people). I don't know how to cope with this. If I can't pull myself out of this hole, how am I supposed to be the mother I need to be. I see his father in him and it hurts so much.

eyeswideshut1

Gave, I can understand that this is very difficult for you and you're probably feeling very sad and missing him terribly, wondering how he's doing, etc. It will get better with time. I haven't had any contact with my ABF for about a month now, and the heartache is beginning to ease a little, although I still feel it very strongly sometimes. Toughlittlegirl's suggestion earlier in this thread really helped me! I wrote a list of all the things I will not miss about being involved with an active addict--both his behaviors and mine. So far there are 22 things on that list! Writing it really helped me to think a little more clearly about his actions and why I am better off without him, and I hope that when I'm feeling really down I can look at it again and remind myself. Anyway, I admire your courage for going to a meeting! I have been trying to get up the courage myself. Peace and love to you and your sweet little boy!

Gavetoomuch

I guess one of the good things is that for the past couple of months, actually since my son was about a month old, we haven't been living together. I know it seems terribly soon, but I got asked out by someone from school who does have his stuff together (job, car, school...I'm moving up in the world lol) and I said yes. I'm going into this as just friends because I am still hurt and if he wants to take it further he's gonna have to give me time to get over this whole situation. I'm good at getting over guys quickly though (wow sounding kinda trickish) because by the time I've gotten to the break up point I simply do not care anymore. It's weird, but for the first time in years I don't have to worry about the cops or getting arrested for something on my or in my car and I feel wonderful!!

eyeswideshut1

Gave, it's great to hear that you are able to look on the bright side and see the things you're gaining by letting go of your ABF. Not having to worry about being arrested for his criminal behavior is definitely a good one! Actually, I think I will put that on my list of things I won't miss about my ABF, too! And being free to meet someone who has his sh*(& together is also a perk! I think you're right to take it slow with the new guy, so that you can take the time you need to think about what you want in a relationship. And I don't think that feeling over your relationship with him is trickish at all, LOL, it shows you have a good head on your shoulders.

lesliej

please do be aware that going on a date...with someone who must be attractive and has their life together...may put you in an emotionally vulnerable position.
rebounding? rebounding is a wild ride that I do not really want to go on.
I think if someone asked me out it would be very tempting.
Then I think about them.
There are a lot of things about what has transpired in my life, in my love for an addict, that I need to process. If I don't process and learn from it...with the help of others to widen my perspective of the truth...re:meetings, sponsor, therapy too...I will not heal that part of myself that has been in relationship with an addict.
If I don't heal that part of myself, damaged trust?...spiritual abuse?...broken heart?
I will just take it and pass it on to the next person I engage with. If I don't want to do the work to move through this with some time, honor and dignity...and gather back up the pieces that fell apart then I just move in to another relationship with a trail of wreckage behind me.

I think that we all have defense mechanisms, and part of grief too...that say "i have done enough!! I am angry and it is time to just move on with my life!! I deserve to have fun and have a good date!!"

What if that "fun date" that other HUMAN BEING turns out to be someone you want to spend more time with? What if that other person is really attractive and your natural human sexual impulse...intensified in need thru sorrow and need for comfort...has you falling into a physical relationship?

Please carefully consider your self. your need for time to heal. and and and that other person...they have not seen the pain and deceit you have suffered. they do not know the struggle. they have the right to have some idea of what they are dealing with...

JUST MY OPINION

Gavetoomuch

Leslie - I had those exact feelings and thoughts the day after the date (yesterday) and I've figured that before things get too far I'm going to sit with him and explain that I want to be willing to give him everything I have, but right now everything I have is broken. If he is willing to work with me and give me time to see that he is probably good for me then I will gladly try my hardest. If not, well then it's not like I lost anything so.

Eyes - Yes you should add that to your list. I didn't even think about it until I posted it on here lol

Gavetoomuch

Oh, it's been a couple of weeks and first things first, Leslie, you were right all along and he was a rebound and I did have that talk with him about wanting to take things slow and he hasn't spoken to me since. Whatever, like I said before, his loss.

Two days ago I received a phone call from my AXBF because I needed to make contact with him about something personal to me that I thought he had gotten rid of, turns out he didn't but I know where it is. The phone he had under my name is turned off. He gave me the usual lies about being clean and trying to save money for me and the baby and coming back to town to see us and wanting to be with me, wanting to be a family, ya'll get the picture? While I have tried to make it like it hasn't affected me, I'm going insane. My son's first Christmas was this year and his "father" wasn't here. He's feeding me these lies and I know they are because people are still insisting on telling me what he is doing. Plus, he had the nerve to call me from the phone of the b***h that he cheated on me with.

It's like when I try to move on I can't and it's almost a losing battle that I don't want to fight anymore. Not saying that I'm going back to him, or h**l even making contact with him (he's been told not to call or email or message or FB at all and this phone call was a one time thing). IDK I'm trying to keep up with the meetings and the week after my first one that guy took me out then I went out of town last week. I'm going to try so hard to get into this week's because I can feel it being something I may need, but I also need that feedback to help me and like I said before kick me in the pants when needed.

Sorry, had to rant just a little bit. Trying to stay positive during this time is damn well near impossible right now and just being able to be heard for someone helps.

outtolunch

Can't imagine what good a liar, cheater and a thief is in your life or that of your baby.

eyeswideshut1

Gave, it's kind of a blessing that you know that all he is saying to you is a bunch of lies. Even though you are finding distancing yourself from him exhausting, at least you have this very clear example right in front of you of why you are making the right decision. I know exactly how you feel: you can't go back, but the way forward seems so scary and lonely. (I'm sorry, btw, that this guy disappeared on you, but maybe you dodged a bullet if he is so easily spooked.) Anyway, I have been feeling something similar about my AXBF--I see now through his lies and I see that we can never be happy while he remains on the path he's on, and that he doesn't have any intention of changing paths anytime soon, so I know we can't be together, but I still grieve and I still miss him. I think it's just part of the process and push through it. I think it will be easier after the holidays. Peace and love to you this holiday season, and try to enjoy every minute with your little boy!