Shaky new ground - the long version
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Regina
Posts: 4
Shaky new ground - the long version
Hello avid readers,
I have been reading this site every night before I go to bed for weeks now and tonight I finally feel compelled to join and share.
I am a 30 year old woman, finally shutting the door on my now XABF, after almost 7 years together. It began when we met in the same town, thru mutual friends. The guys he hung around with then, seemed to not fit with the person I met. His friends seemed like life losers, not going anywhere, not having a plan in life, etc. I also knew these friends of his did drugs. JJ (we'll call him) seemed to be very smart, a hard worker, and just going thru a rough patch in life which was the reason he crashed in the same house as these guys. Looking back, GOD do I see the signs, but at the time I didn't. We started to fall in love rather quickly, but I wanted to do things differently this relationship, I didn't want to move in together too quickly. We dated for about 9 months when I decided that I personally wanted to move out of our town into the big city nearby. I didn't ask him to come with, I just stated MY plans for MY life. Secretly, I hoped and thought IF he asked to join me, he really must be in love with me. And that is exactly what he did. And that's exactly what I thought
So in the big city, first time living together, it was so exciting. We both found jobs and settled in to our life together. Within the first six months, there was trouble. He was not coming home some nights. I had no idea what was going on. I thought maybe he had a girlfriend on the side or was mugged in the streets of the big city....I just didn't know. I was devasted and concerned. When he came back after two days, he admitted he had a "small coke problem" and that it was no big deal. He had it under control. I honestly had no clue about addictions and believed him. Thought it was a once in a blue moon thing but was wondering if this behavior was going on the whole time he lived back in our old town, with those buddies of his.
So life continued on like this for the next year, slowly eroding away at me. I would go to work, he would have drug dealers over to our apartment. I would go to work, he would go MIA. I began to feel that me having a job was an excuse to get high. He knew I would be busy for 12 hours so he would take advantage of that time. Ohhhhh, and the endless nights I called and called his cellphone and went driving around on the streets looking for him, convinced that somehow just the sight of me concerned or sad would be enough for him to change. We moved to a second apartment by year two, and faced more of the same. My concern and sadness was slowly changing to anger and our fights regarding his drug use became more and more heated. My job was totally effected, I was running on fumes, and I was beginning to snap.
End of year three, he said we should move to another city and buy a house. I remember with what little energy and sanity I did have left, I said, "Are you crazy? Look at what shape this relationship is in. You have a drug problem that is not being treated." To me, it was the equivilent of a couple who thinks having a baby will "make things better". He sweetened the pot by telling me I wouldn't have to work at all and just take care of the home. I was swayed by that because I was miserable with my performance at my job, embarrassed by my personal life at my job ( people began to see what was going on ) and just tired in general. So I agreed to go. I will never forget the sinking feeling I had in my stomach as we signed on the dotted line.
Our fourth year, ( first in the home we bought ) things were great for about 9 months. He replaced his addiction with morning to night home renovations which in retrospect, was exhausting for me too. The only thing that made this tolerable for me, was that he worked overseas a month on a month off. I relished the time alone. I got to feel normal and do things at my own pace then.
Before year five began, he hurt his back at work and within one week, he was on Oxy's. When I saw him come home with that first prescription bag, I knew this was the beginning of the end. I asked him if he knew how bada$$ those pills were and he played dumb and shrugged it off saying, "that's what the doctor gave me." So for year five, I saw him turn into a pill popping, doctor hopping, Oxy worshipping mess. I was approaching my 30th birthday at the beginning of year six, and things in my mind were brewing.
I, over the years, saw numerous counsellors who were screaming "RUN-GET OUT" but I ignored them. I thought I was special, he was special, we were "different". We were going to "make it." But as the big 3-0 was approaching, the words, "I hate my life with you" were escaping my lips, quietly and also in arguements.
I announced that the date of his back surgery was MY bottom line. After the surgery, the pills were going to stop and he better figure out how he was going to do that, because at this point, he was on the Oxy's for one year. Things in my mind were changing, where I was fantasizing about my own life, with my own place, with a different man, ANY man, other than him.
The surgery happened, and within three days of not having the pills, the man who just had back surgery and needed a cane to walk was hobbling to his vehicle to go get drugs. ANY drugs.
I refused to let him back in our home and moved our money for safe keeping and thus began the real beginning of our end. A showdown between his psychotic enabling mom, a strung out JJ, myself and eventually the police is what led to him taking off for over a month. He called from a rehab he found himself a month later. I truly believed it was a miracle and we were going to be THE ONES, who were SPECIAL, and MADE IT. All my pain and torture over the last six years was for THIS.BIG.MOMENT.
He was a nightmare to me in rehab. I was the only person he put on his family contact list, and day after day was phone call after phone call of him berating, belittling, insulting, yelling at me. Not that I put him in there, but more of beating someone down to make him feel better. I contacted his counsellors to ask how do I deal with him and they told me to stop taking his calls, which I did.
He only stayed 42 days, ( not NEARLY long enough to uncover a 20 year addiction, which I found out by this point ) and was expecting me to show up for the Family Weekend and drive happily off into the sunset together. I warned him in weeks prior that if his horrible of treatment of me didn't stop, I wasn't coming. He was so used to be bending and caving over the years, he didn't take one second to believe me.
It was one of the hardest decisions of my life, but I didn't go. I have zero regrets.
(bear with me people, just a bit more. I need to get this all out )
He wigged right out and left rehab and went directly back to using drugs, blowing through about 20K in 1.5 months and being MIA. I was devasted that we were back at square one but knew I needed to get out of this mess as soon as I could. I saw that he never went to rehab for himself. He went for me. He went to shut me up.
He showed back up on our doorstep 1.5 months after rehab. I had 10K squirreled aside to get me out of this mess. I found out then he blew that 20K, leaving us zero to pay our bills. I used my money to bail us out from financial ruin but knew this had to come to an end.
He went back to work, to get our finances back on track, and I began to see large amounts of money being transferred from our joint account to a private account of his. This was a new development, I had never seen him do that before. Or that much anyways.
After the final confrontation when he got home, I discovered that he now has graduated to smoking crack, hence the pipe I found, hence the pieces of stainless steel pads I found burned, hence the enormous amounts of money gone missing. And now confirmation he was doing it at work.
So again, I moved the money we had left to save it, another showdown ensued, I called the police and this time, a RO was given to him because of how unsafe it is to be in the same house with him. I am 24 hours away from filing for separation. And I am ok with that. ANYTHING, will be better than this excuse of a relationship we had. I look back at this story and shake my head, wondering where my senses were. I think I was in la la land, plus afraid, plus in denial, plus uneducated in addiction.
I wish I had the knowledge I have gained over these last few months, back when I met this man. It would have saved me a lot of pain and grief.
I wanted to share my story even though I read "me" a zillion times on this website thru others. I hope my story helps.
I have been reading this site every night before I go to bed for weeks now and tonight I finally feel compelled to join and share.
I am a 30 year old woman, finally shutting the door on my now XABF, after almost 7 years together. It began when we met in the same town, thru mutual friends. The guys he hung around with then, seemed to not fit with the person I met. His friends seemed like life losers, not going anywhere, not having a plan in life, etc. I also knew these friends of his did drugs. JJ (we'll call him) seemed to be very smart, a hard worker, and just going thru a rough patch in life which was the reason he crashed in the same house as these guys. Looking back, GOD do I see the signs, but at the time I didn't. We started to fall in love rather quickly, but I wanted to do things differently this relationship, I didn't want to move in together too quickly. We dated for about 9 months when I decided that I personally wanted to move out of our town into the big city nearby. I didn't ask him to come with, I just stated MY plans for MY life. Secretly, I hoped and thought IF he asked to join me, he really must be in love with me. And that is exactly what he did. And that's exactly what I thought
So in the big city, first time living together, it was so exciting. We both found jobs and settled in to our life together. Within the first six months, there was trouble. He was not coming home some nights. I had no idea what was going on. I thought maybe he had a girlfriend on the side or was mugged in the streets of the big city....I just didn't know. I was devasted and concerned. When he came back after two days, he admitted he had a "small coke problem" and that it was no big deal. He had it under control. I honestly had no clue about addictions and believed him. Thought it was a once in a blue moon thing but was wondering if this behavior was going on the whole time he lived back in our old town, with those buddies of his.
So life continued on like this for the next year, slowly eroding away at me. I would go to work, he would have drug dealers over to our apartment. I would go to work, he would go MIA. I began to feel that me having a job was an excuse to get high. He knew I would be busy for 12 hours so he would take advantage of that time. Ohhhhh, and the endless nights I called and called his cellphone and went driving around on the streets looking for him, convinced that somehow just the sight of me concerned or sad would be enough for him to change. We moved to a second apartment by year two, and faced more of the same. My concern and sadness was slowly changing to anger and our fights regarding his drug use became more and more heated. My job was totally effected, I was running on fumes, and I was beginning to snap.
End of year three, he said we should move to another city and buy a house. I remember with what little energy and sanity I did have left, I said, "Are you crazy? Look at what shape this relationship is in. You have a drug problem that is not being treated." To me, it was the equivilent of a couple who thinks having a baby will "make things better". He sweetened the pot by telling me I wouldn't have to work at all and just take care of the home. I was swayed by that because I was miserable with my performance at my job, embarrassed by my personal life at my job ( people began to see what was going on ) and just tired in general. So I agreed to go. I will never forget the sinking feeling I had in my stomach as we signed on the dotted line.
Our fourth year, ( first in the home we bought ) things were great for about 9 months. He replaced his addiction with morning to night home renovations which in retrospect, was exhausting for me too. The only thing that made this tolerable for me, was that he worked overseas a month on a month off. I relished the time alone. I got to feel normal and do things at my own pace then.
Before year five began, he hurt his back at work and within one week, he was on Oxy's. When I saw him come home with that first prescription bag, I knew this was the beginning of the end. I asked him if he knew how bada$$ those pills were and he played dumb and shrugged it off saying, "that's what the doctor gave me." So for year five, I saw him turn into a pill popping, doctor hopping, Oxy worshipping mess. I was approaching my 30th birthday at the beginning of year six, and things in my mind were brewing.
I, over the years, saw numerous counsellors who were screaming "RUN-GET OUT" but I ignored them. I thought I was special, he was special, we were "different". We were going to "make it." But as the big 3-0 was approaching, the words, "I hate my life with you" were escaping my lips, quietly and also in arguements.
I announced that the date of his back surgery was MY bottom line. After the surgery, the pills were going to stop and he better figure out how he was going to do that, because at this point, he was on the Oxy's for one year. Things in my mind were changing, where I was fantasizing about my own life, with my own place, with a different man, ANY man, other than him.
The surgery happened, and within three days of not having the pills, the man who just had back surgery and needed a cane to walk was hobbling to his vehicle to go get drugs. ANY drugs.
I refused to let him back in our home and moved our money for safe keeping and thus began the real beginning of our end. A showdown between his psychotic enabling mom, a strung out JJ, myself and eventually the police is what led to him taking off for over a month. He called from a rehab he found himself a month later. I truly believed it was a miracle and we were going to be THE ONES, who were SPECIAL, and MADE IT. All my pain and torture over the last six years was for THIS.BIG.MOMENT.
He was a nightmare to me in rehab. I was the only person he put on his family contact list, and day after day was phone call after phone call of him berating, belittling, insulting, yelling at me. Not that I put him in there, but more of beating someone down to make him feel better. I contacted his counsellors to ask how do I deal with him and they told me to stop taking his calls, which I did.
He only stayed 42 days, ( not NEARLY long enough to uncover a 20 year addiction, which I found out by this point ) and was expecting me to show up for the Family Weekend and drive happily off into the sunset together. I warned him in weeks prior that if his horrible of treatment of me didn't stop, I wasn't coming. He was so used to be bending and caving over the years, he didn't take one second to believe me.
It was one of the hardest decisions of my life, but I didn't go. I have zero regrets.
(bear with me people, just a bit more. I need to get this all out )
He wigged right out and left rehab and went directly back to using drugs, blowing through about 20K in 1.5 months and being MIA. I was devasted that we were back at square one but knew I needed to get out of this mess as soon as I could. I saw that he never went to rehab for himself. He went for me. He went to shut me up.
He showed back up on our doorstep 1.5 months after rehab. I had 10K squirreled aside to get me out of this mess. I found out then he blew that 20K, leaving us zero to pay our bills. I used my money to bail us out from financial ruin but knew this had to come to an end.
He went back to work, to get our finances back on track, and I began to see large amounts of money being transferred from our joint account to a private account of his. This was a new development, I had never seen him do that before. Or that much anyways.
After the final confrontation when he got home, I discovered that he now has graduated to smoking crack, hence the pipe I found, hence the pieces of stainless steel pads I found burned, hence the enormous amounts of money gone missing. And now confirmation he was doing it at work.
So again, I moved the money we had left to save it, another showdown ensued, I called the police and this time, a RO was given to him because of how unsafe it is to be in the same house with him. I am 24 hours away from filing for separation. And I am ok with that. ANYTHING, will be better than this excuse of a relationship we had. I look back at this story and shake my head, wondering where my senses were. I think I was in la la land, plus afraid, plus in denial, plus uneducated in addiction.
I wish I had the knowledge I have gained over these last few months, back when I met this man. It would have saved me a lot of pain and grief.
I wanted to share my story even though I read "me" a zillion times on this website thru others. I hope my story helps.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Sometimes we have to walk all the way through the lesson in order to learn it.
I'm sorry for all you have been through. Better roads are ahead and you travel them wiser today.
Glad you finally joined us, we are walking with you here.
Hugs
I'm sorry for all you have been through. Better roads are ahead and you travel them wiser today.
Glad you finally joined us, we are walking with you here.
Hugs
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Thank you for your post. I know it can't have been easy to let all that out.
You have found a wonderful place where, as you have already been reading, people really do understand. Many here have been through the same.....
Welcome!
You have found a wonderful place where, as you have already been reading, people really do understand. Many here have been through the same.....
Welcome!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR.....this is a wonderful forum.
Thank you for sharing your story--your experience, strength, and hope. It's amazing sometimes where this journey called life leads us. There are lessons in everything we experience....the good and the bad.
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
Thank you for sharing your story--your experience, strength, and hope. It's amazing sometimes where this journey called life leads us. There are lessons in everything we experience....the good and the bad.
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
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