Windblown

My 18 year old son has been dealing heroin, using it and coke and meth. He lives with me and my husband, his step-dad, for past two years after running away from his abusive meth addicted father. We gave him a fresh start...car, money, clothes, home cooked meals, gym membership...we tried to get him to go to ounselling for his Dad issues. We sent him to a psyche hospital in June after snorting zanax, stealing my husands truck during the night and hitting someone's parked car which we had to pay 2500.00 for. He was payng us back with his job at the sub shop but he lied to us because he quit it. I had no idea he was as addicted as he is. He brought gang members in the neighborhood when I saw a shotgun in his trunk and they transferred it to their car. I freaked and yelled at these gangsters and they yelled back and Im scared to go in my courtyard now. I called my husband who called the cops and did an intervention on my son. He had to be hospitalized as his blood pressure was at 39. We are telling him that if he does drugs again he can't live here anymore. We changed the locks. We are taking away his car and cell phone and if he wants them back before we think he is well, he can have them but he's not living here. I am in alanon and have a good sponsor but i cant function today and I keep obsessing on him. I fear he will die or go to jail but I have accepted that. Everything seems surreal. I need to go to the grocery store but I feel so unable to cope with life. I visit him tonite at six p.m. He may be angry but I had to tell my parents and his brother because I want them to know what was going on instead of just calling them out of the blue and say he croaked. I am learning tough love. I get confused a lot. Help.

Freedom1990

Hello windblown! Welcome to SR.

I am glad you are in Alanon and have a sponsor. Alanon saved my bacon more than once!

It sounds to me like you are overwhelmed and exhausted with the chaos of your son's addiction. I understand feeling that way as I spent many years immersed in my oldest daughter's addictions.

Lots of deep breaths and repeating the serenity prayer over and over have helped me on days I've been overwhelmed.

I finally hit a bottom and incorporated tough love with my addicted daughter. As a matter of fact, she is no longer welcome in my home.

I refuse to take a front row seat to her addictions anymore.

Any chance you could do something for yourself at home like a nice long bubble bath with some candles?

I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but am glad that you found us.

Sending you hugs of support from one mother of an addict to another.

December2011

How long, and why was he living with a drug addict father? It seems like he has a lot of problems from that. Did you and the stepdad see him a lot in the time he was living with his dad?

TMZ

((Windblown))
Welcome, sorry for your troubles But I am glad you found us. You found the right place, there is a lot of support and help here.

I know you are lost and confused right now and looking for answers. But it is a life long disease. You have done and are doing the best things you can do right now! I cant think of any thing else you can do for him at this point. But You and your H can work on yourselves, rest and regroup. Nar-anon helped me also but read and learn as much as you can.

Sending prayers and strength

Windblown

Thanks Freedom 1990...I can tell you understand exactly how I feel. My oldest son just called very concerned and I read him the do's and don'ts of alanon and talked about detachment and he acted like well then what...We don't care or don't do anything for him? I felt a shimmer of guilt but he has not been living with this situation and has never been to alanon so maybe it does seem I don't care...but I have done too much for him and my caring has only allowed my younger son to dig himself a deeper hole. This is tough stuff for a Mom because our instincts go against it. Screw this horrible disease. O.k. Serenity prayer and a deep breath...good reminders. Thank you for understanding.

December...I had a previous son with a lot of problems and an alcoholic father and I was a single Mom and then married another man and had a child and soon divorced. I kept both children for four years but was so overwhelmed and frightened of second father who was abusive and threatening me because he wanted his son back. This second father was healthy, had his own business and loved my son dearly...so at the time I made the chouce to let my younger son live with his Dad. For a few years things went o.k. Then my ex started abusing meth and he wouldn't let me have my son back. I went to court, I called children's services...I did everything to get him back and nothing worked. I moved my current husband back and forth across the country to be near youngest son only to have the ex refuse visitation for no reason. But the backward state of GA did nothing but slap him on the wrist for hat. I visited him regularly, called, sent child support, new shoes...i did everything I could do and I was a wreck. My son told me he and his Dad had to eat out of dumpsters because the lazy meth head wouldn't work. I was so happy at 17 when my son got away from him. I overdid I tried to make up for what his dad had done to him. I now know I have to let the past go and know I did the best I could. I married two alcoholic/addicts and had a son with each. The oldest is at the freakin Naval Academy and going to be a Dr. His dad got sober when he was 12 and he went to live with him at that time because he so wanted to have a turn at being a good sober daddy and that has worked out great for my son.

My youngest son's father has not contacted me sence my son ran away from him almost two years ago. I don't think he and my son talk at all. I know my ex was physically abusive, controlling and a mean bad tempered emotionaly self-centered jerk. But I also knew how much he loved my son...but he didn't get better...he got worse and the worst of all is that he could have let me have him at any time so he would have a better life but he didn't. I hate him and I have secret fantasies of torturing him for hurting me and my son. I hate him.

Hanna

In the midst of crisis the best advice I got came from someone here: Remember to Breathe.

You are going to get through this. Tough love is tough on you, not him. That's the part it took me the longest to realize/admit. If he acts mad, it's to deflect from what he's done. Remember that.

Ann

Doing the right thing is rarely the easiest thing...but it's still the right thing.

You are doing okay, I know how hard this is.

Hugs from one mama's heart to another's.

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR....there are many of us here who are the mother's of addicts. We do understand your heartache.

You are doing the right thing one day at a time. There is nothing that we can do to change the past but we can do the best that we are able to do today. Good for you for going to Ala-non and getting a sponsor.

Remember that the difference between a good day and a bad day......is one day.

Breathe. Pray. And know that you are not alone.

gentle hugs
ke

Seren

I think your son is exactly where he needs to be. It may not be where you want him to be, it may not be where he wants to be, but this really might be what he needs.

It is hard......my A stepson has spent several stints in jails and one in prison for his check fraud charges relating to drug use.

We're open 24/7 and you can come here and vent anytime you want.

Hugs and prayers, HG

mooselips

I am the mother of 2 addict sons, one is 33, and in prison for selling/using, the other is 38, and sober from cocaine...

They started using when they were 11, and 14, unbeknownst to me...(denial, dumb, who knows?) it has been a long hard journey, let me tell you. ReHab, prison, Rehab, bail, etc.


I enabled BOTH of them along, unknowing at first, and then (duh) knowingly, thinking I could LOVE them to recovery. After joining Alanon, and coming here, it took a while, but I realized that we can't fix them.

I am happy you have joined Alanon, and have a good sponsor. Tha's geat support for you, and we're here 24/7, so feel free to vent away.

Hugs to you.......

One thing I DO want to mention, we also bought youngest son a car...we COSIGNED, (never again) he was making the payments, and his name was on the title..(not sure how that occurred) and the loan was in our name.
He was "kind of" making an occasional payment.
When he was picked up for drugs, there also went the car, which we HAD to pay off, or lose OUR credit. Just a little...to let you know.

Hugs and hugs.........

Windblown

Yesterday I cussed and yelled at God because I could not find a bed at a detox center for my son and I was driving around all over town with him coming off heroin, meth and coke in the car with me. Not fun and I pounded my fists on the dash. My sponsor told me God had been there but he doesn't intervene when it's not the right thing I'm trying to get. It turned out the place he got in is just right and I didn't actually get him there...it was sort of a happening that could never have been planned sort of thing and my husband was supposed to take him. My husband isn't as angry with my son because of the 12 hours he spent with him seeing him all sick. I can see now what had to happen but I sure wanted it my way yesterday! But ya know...I'm going to go easy on me...it was a day that was more than I could deal with sanely...so I just scraped through it and I'm still alive. And I met an angel...the counsellor at the detox center...God spoke to me through him as my son nodded off with crumbs upon his chin. The visiting hour consisted of me and the angel and he told me about this disease...that once you get clean and straightened out it ain't over yet...ya got to get into the mind and forgive first...yourself, then the ones who hurt you...then ask forgiveness from the ones you hurt. Then you can whip that demon addiction. Right on.

Freedom1990

It is possible to whip that demon addiction! I am living proof, and celebrated 21 years this past August.

Sounds to me like things fell into place.

I know I have been guilty of asking God for the wrong thing too!