skinartjunkie

I started dating my boyfriend about 4 months ago, he was amazing. I had never met someone that had the same interests as me and seemed to fit me so well. What I didn't know, was that he was a secret functioning alcoholic. We live in separate towns, about 45 minutes away, and what I didnt know that on weeknights he was drinking himself into oblivion every night...until a couple months ago...

My 5 year old daughter and I drove up to his house for the weekend, and he waited till we got there to mow the lawn, my daughter took a nap and I watched some tv in her little bedroom with her. What I didn't know was that he had chugged an entire bottle of tequila that was hidden in his closet to "deal with his parents coming over later." long story short, be became violent, screaming at his parents, and made them leave....he then started calling himself the devil, he tried to kill/attack his dog 3 times, started pulling his hair out etc.... I didnt know what was going on, but I called a counselor i knew and she told me to leave immediately, I took all his keys, his dog, and I left, (I had sent my daughter home with his parents so she didnt see any of it) I left and went to his parents and explained what happened, and we all decided he needed help, they then told me he had a problem. I went back to his house to check on him, he kept passing out and falling over, and he was gone. He had shuffled himself to the local store to buy cigarettes and ended up getting arrested. We were up late dealing with him, and the next morning, I prayed about it and I told him that I would help him, he needed help. He told me he was going to get better, but made no attempt to follow through with our rehab suggestions....he promised me he would do better and so I told him we were going to do it together. I stopped drinking, (i'm a casual drinker but wanted to fully support him) and he went 46 days before his slip up. At 46 days he told me that it just "overpowered him" and he slipped up. I knew it would probably happen at some point, so I was upset but told him we were going to do better....and start over. He then lost his cell phone at work, and would not get another one. He would go home and I wouldn't hear from him for days, maybe after work he would come by but I would never know...

He started changing, he would get irritable, he had major mood swings and told me it was cravings etc. Then this past monday he called into work to "clean his house and take care of personal stuff" Tuesday morning I got a call from his mom saying they had to go get him from this family's house because he was trying to fight some guy who was also an alcoholic telling him he needed Celebrate Recovery (Our church's recovery ministry) and he got very violent with the guy. I'm not sure but I think he wrecked his work truck. His mom called me and told me everything, and his boss called my cell phone looking for him. Celebrate Recovery was that night, and it was family night, and he didn't know I knew anything about it. He hasn't made any effort to come to celebrate (he says I said he didnt need it, i would NEVER say that) and so he showed up that night out of the blue with his parents and the guy he was trying to fight, and I asked him if he was ok and he said "no" and thats why I'm here. His mom told me he had no intention of going to rehab, that he said that that guy had the problem and he would help himself....we took a walk and I told him that I hoped it was worth it, and I broke up with him. He said "youre breaking up with me?" he was shocked, he then proceeded to tell me the reason He wouldn't get a new cell phone is because girls called and threatened to hurt him all the time....and then excuse after excuse .... then he finally panicked had a fit, and said I WANT REHAB TONIGHT! And demanded I go inturreupt our celebrate recovery cookout so that someone could get him into rehab, it was a fun family event, and entertainment was going on, so I went and found a friend who is a therapist, and she gave his mom some steps to do. I told him I loved him, and I supported him, but as a friend, I wouldnt be in a relationship with him, not like this.

Now that you know the story, here's my dilemma. Am I giving up too easily on him? I love him, but I am also a single mom of a beautiful 6 year old girl with a life. I don't want to get back together with him, I have no trust, i'm afraid of relapse, not so much for me but for my daughter and I don't know if we can have a life together with addiction hanging over our head..... am I in the wrong for wanting to move on?

skinartjunkie

Thanks KC. I know its what I need to do, but I have a problem with feeling guilty, especially when he seems to be trying so hard to change...its like its expected of me to give the "new" him a chance, I don't know, I think the damage has already been done and I don't want to spend my life worrying about relapse....but I feel like a jerk for saying that.

laurie6781

First let me say WELCOME to Sober Recovery. You have found a really great site with lots and lots of Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H). I am glad you found us, but sorry for the reasons you had to.

So pull up a chair and your keyboard. Rant, rave, scream, cry, ask questions, and yes even laugh with us.

As I read your post I lost count of the RED FLAGS that were cropping up.

No you are not wrong. You have a child to protect. Even though she left with his parents, she felt the tension.

Bull that is what he told you, you do not know if he was sober 46 days or not. Practicing A's are great manipulators. liars, and do not have relationships, they take hostages. I know I was one for 24 years.

You are not a jerk. You are a "Momma Lion" protecting yourself and your young. You cannot help him!

I hate to be the 'bearer of bad news' but YOU CANNOT HELP HIM. If he stays with 'rehab' and absorbs and starts to USE the tools he will be given he will have a chance. This is all on him.

Step away, far away and do NOT listen to his words, WATCH his actions. Only time will tell if he is serious or not.

Again, in my book you made the correct decision for you and your child.

J M H O based on my many many years of 'working with others' and sponsoring in both AA and Alanon.

Love and hugs,

laurie6781

I am going to add something else, that I hate to but it is important, if you were also in a physical relationship and if even one time protection was not used, please go to your OB/GYN and get tested for STD's.

Love and hugs,

LifeRecovery

skinartjunkie-

What got me here was a relationship with my ex who struggled with alcohol.

What I have taken from it is my own recovery and healing.

One of the hardest things for me to learn has been that I don't have a say about anyone else, and he only person I can change is myself.

This is what helped me:
-Individual counseling (which was already established before I met him)
-Al-anon (for friends and families of people in addiction)

I am not necessarily grateful for the situations that got me here, but I am grateful for what I have learned.

Kind thoughts headed your way.

dollydo

Your daughter is your priorty, she shoold not be exposed to violence or abuse of any kind. Not to mention an alcoholic.

This is a dangerous man, his abuse may be magnified when he drinks, however, it will always be there, drunk or not. Addiction is just a symptom of another problem.

There is nothing to give up on, this man is not mentally healthy.

Run baby, run and don't look back.

wellnowwhat

Keep rereading your last paragraph. You have answered your questions there.

If you start to doubt yourself reread the tequila incident, you have your answer there.

I think you are lucky to have this opportunity at 4 months into the relationship to see what many of us had to find out years and years later. If I had known at 4 months what was ahead for me I would have left and not looked back.

Do not feel guilty for not giving the "new" him another chance. It kind of reads like it may be based on a bit of pity and that's no way to continue a relationship. It'll breed bitterness in both of you.

Wishing you and your daughter a wonderful life.

hello-kitty

No you are not giving up too easily on him. You have your daughter to think about. She's a child. She needs all your attention. He's a grown up. He needs to learn how to act like one. And it's something he has to figure out on his own. And he has a lot of work to do.

Remember this:
You didn't cause his problem.
You can't control his problem.
You can't cure his problem.

YearForMe

Try to take the "personal" out of it.

If you didn't know him, and he were going crazy in the grocery store.....would you take your child and run?

lightseeker

that sure is a lot of chaos and drama in just 4 short months. I don't think that you are giving up on him too easily at all.

One way to look at it is to think about how you would feel 20 years from now if your daughter was involved with someone like him with all of his problems? Continuing on with him (or someone like him) would just be teaching/patterning your daughter to follow in your footsteps. Not a pretty thought.

I bet that if you give it some time it'll be easier to see it more clearly....You already gave it all that you need to give it and then some....in my opinion.

YearForMe

We date to see what the other person has to offer.

What do they bring to the relationship?

If you don't get away from him....you are volunteering from here on out.
You are choosing to have this in your life.

The only person you "owe" ANYTHING to are yourself and your under age children.

Don't set the bar so low for yourself. You deserve better....your little one deserves better.

outtolunch

Man oh man. His mom is calling you. His boss is calling you. Sounds like this guy has a long history of being the center of everyone's attention and being rescued. He sounds like :

KING BABY

bluebelle

You did the right thing. Only he can help himself. You can't do it for him, and neither can his workplace, the cops, or his parents. If he really wants to get sober, he will do it. It sounds like he believes the world revolves around him--everyone needs to make changes for him. He does not sound like he's willing to take responsibility for his actions. You have done the right thing by taking care of yourself and your child. One of the things that concerned me in your story is that you said that you went back to the house after the tequila rage started. It is important that you make your safety a top priority. I have people like him in my family, and I would say that you are doing the best thing by staying away!! You want to detatch from his drama so that you can protect your daughter and your own mind.

Ann

He's violent and he's dangerous. He would hurt his dog so you can believe he would hurt you and your child.

In the Sticky threads at the top, take a read of "For the Abused Woman" and you will see the cycle of abuse...which includes the "Mr. Niceguy" part, just before he abuses again.

We rarely tell anyone whether to stay or go here, but sweetie, your life and that of your child may depend on it. Run for the hills and don't look back.

Hugs

mooselips

skinartjunkie,
I think you have the answer inside of you. You know this would be, and is, a destructive relationship, which in the long term will cause you, and your daughter mental, emotional, and maybe physical abuse.

You and your daughter deserve a happy, secure, life.

Hugs and hugs........

Kindeyes

At 4 months into a relationship, most people would still be in the "best behavior" phase of the relationship. If this is "best behavior", can you imagine what it could be like a year or two into it? Could it be worse?

It was "just the dog" this time.** What if it was your daughter? You?

Your breaking up with him won't cure him and it won't cause him to get worse. None of us are that powerful. It sounds like you are using good judgement to keep yourself and your daughter safe. Addiction/alcoholism is a progressive disease. If it is not addressed, it WILL get worse. And the only one who can address it is the addict/alcoholic.

gentle hugs
ke

**I am an animal lover and my dogs are considered family members so please, don't read to much into my "just the dog" statement. I used that phrase to make a point.