itsanewday2011

Hello. I am new to this site. It looks to have a great network of support so I thought I would introduce myself. I won't go into a lot of "drama", but am recently divorced from my ex-husband who is bi-polar and addicted to cocaine. We were married 7 years. Long story short, he had a drug abuse history before we were married, but it was "spun" that it was because he was bi-polar and hadn't been diagnosed with the disease.

After a 3 week binge and bringing cocaine into our house with our 2 1/2 year old, I asked my husband to go into rehab. While my husband was in rehab, I learned that he is both bipolar and an addict. After his "28 days", he quickly relapsed and has been using off and on ever since (since March). Our divorce recently was finalized and I have sole custody of our daughter and his visits have been inconsistent. Tonight he sent me a message 10 minutes after he was supposed to meet saying he had a "fever" - that seems to be a common occurence.

I'm not looking for all the answers...it seems that many friends and family members don't "get it" so I thought I would reach out to a new support system. I know that as a codependent I was a part of the relationship as well - that I am getting over - I continue to feel guilty that I "should have known" as I had a lot of fears before getting married and trust issues throughout our entire relationship.

Anyway - this is enough of a post for tonight. I look forward to visiting with some of you in the future - and thanks for listening.

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR......it is nice to have a support system where they "get it". We all love or have been affected by someone addicted to drugs.

Although I wish none of us felt we needed to be here, it is nice to know that we are not walking this path alone.

gentle hugs
ke

HopeAwaits

Welcome to SR, So glad you found us, but sorry that you had to. My story is much like yours andd I am glad you were able to remove yourself and child from the life it creates. The answers or understanding will come!

))hugs((

Farfalla

Welcome to SR. Keep reading and posting. It is difficult to stay strong. I keep reading the posts over and over to give me strength when I doubt my decision. My husband is in denial and refuses any help. I have one child at home and one in college. Your divorce is finalized and you have your daughter. Live for you both. Work on regrouping. Don't focus your energy trying to figure him out. (I need to take my own advice here) Do you have a support system close to you, ie. grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.?

LifeRecovery

Welcome. My divorce was finalized in January, and I feel a lot of the same feelings you expressed. Know that whatever you feel is okay and part of the journey.

story74

Welcome! My EX husband is too a cocaine addict. Just went thru a divorce and I have sole custody of my 3 year old son. He basically abandoned us. Since the divorce ( a month ago) he has said he want s to a father, BUT has either canceled or been a no call call no show. It is hard transitioning from being married, to being divorced. Its hard to stop loving. It is hard to understand why. Also, he swears he is clean, but his behavior is soooooooo inconsistent and bewildering. Anyways, Im at the point where I am so sick of being lied to and so sick of him not being a father I just don't know what to do. I wish I could just block his number, but is that fair to my son? Its hard. I am taking it day by day. I am reading the book FLOW on finding happiness, doing yoga, trying not to contact him (it is hard bc I financially need help from him) and just trying to not think about him, but me. What makes me happy. And thank god for my son. He is my light. just know you are not alone. Day by day. Focus on you. What makes you happy. Cheers!

itsanewday2011

Hi everyone - thanks for your posts. Story74 - I can SOOOOOOOOO relate. Ex was supposed to see daughter this week. Sent an email 10 minutes after visit was supposed to start and said he had a "fever" so he wasn't going to make it. The next day he sent an email saying he is depressed and had an appointment to see his counselor today (he has only met with them 2x since getting out of rehab in March). Not sure if he went.

I called his rehab counselor and asked if I should reach out to him. She said for me to ignore it is fine (I was asking her if it was okay to not respond to his email).

Okay, this may sound weird and a little "out there" to some of you..... but a friend of mine who is psychic says he thinks that ex is getting a little schizophrenic right now. I think I mentioned in post that ex also has bipolar. I know he isn't on meds right now (he was under my insurance and I can look up his claims so I know he hasn't been taking his bi-polar medication since March) and he has a tendency of getting really paranoid when using. Now I am worried that maybe he may OD or worse????? Not sure what to do. He no longer has any contact with friends or family and I feel partly responsible......

Kahlia

Hi-I think maybe some of your ex's problem might be his Bi-Polar disorder.........Up and down.....you already know that, though. Changing his mind at the last minute etc, plus if he is using , that makes it worse. As a nurse, I see it all the time........people go off their meds, miss their meds and just being Bi-Polar with stress can cause a world of crap. That is not good for your daughter or you. He needs to be in therapy or something to get stabalized. Your daughter needs her father. "fevers" are not cutting it. There are plenty of Bi-Polar people that live normal lives, with meds and therapy........I wish you continued success on his getting bettter and you getting what you finally deserve...........

Blessings,
Kahlia

itsanewday2011

Kahlia - thanks for your message! What should I do? Ex was managing bi-polar with meds while we were married. He had blips of using during the marriage and then with business stress things just went haywire. I know my daughter needs him, but I don't want to get "hooked" in....I feel like I am the only one he has a connection to. I hope he is getting help, but we have been down the road so many times. What do you recommend??? Thanks for the advice and wisdom.

Story- I hope you and your son are doing okay this week. It is so hard when a little one is involved. They needs their parents, but need them to be "healthy".

Freedom1990

He is not your responsibility, nor is his mental illness.

I am a long-term recovering addict/alcoholic (21 years), and it is my responsibility to not only manage my recovery, but also my mental health issues, including taking medications.

AA is where I manage my addictions/alcoholism, and I address my mental health issues through the mental health professionals.

Your ex is an adult. Give him the dignity to make his own choices, poor though they may be.

Welcome to SR! Although I am sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, I am glad you found us.

Sending hugs of support!

story74

I had a rough week. My ex owes me money. Says he will have it, but then doesn't show up. Then I complain and he shows up. And the lies. I found something out and tried to ask him about it, but he was evasive and hung up on me? I called my lawyer and she said, set a schedule. So, I gave him the schedule. Told him HE has to confirm on the visitation day by 12pm, or we wont show up. We meet at a park. He is not welcome in my home as I don't trust him. I made the schedule convenient to me and my son. He has to conform. If he is 15 min late, we will leave. Also, he has been calling to talk to my son randomly. I told him he could call on wed and sat@ 5pm and if I don't hear from him after 5:15 I wont take his call. He didn't like it, but agreed because he knows he has been a disappointment. I told him once I see consistency, things can change. He claims he is clean and will prove me wrong that he is indeed a good father. I don't believe he is clean bc he is still hanging with the same people that he is did drugs with. He hasn't been to rehab. He has no spirituality. So, he might be clean for a couple weeks, or a month, but it will call out to him again. I know it. Im just making sure my son doesn't get hurt.

Freedom says it best. Stop worrying about them. Set boundaries. If they step up, great. If not, oh well. Easier said then done. I still love my ex, and he broke my heart...cheated, abaonded. But it is so tru, let go. My goal this week is to not have any contact with him. At our scheduled visit I will sit and knit and he can play with my son for an hour. If he doesn't show, oh well we will just play in the park 3 minutes from our house and its done. Who cares. And the who cares is the hardest part. Focus on you. And this is coming from someone who is struggling with that daily!!!!! hang in there mama!

itsanewday2011

Story - thanks for the post - it was really helpful to me. I am so sorry you have had a rough week. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and you are doing well for you and your child. I like that you have your ex confirm the visit by noon. That is a great suggestion - I may do that as well. I also like the 15 minute rule.

For a couple of visits, I was having my ex come to our house as logistically it was easier for me. However, I don't think it is a good idea to have him come her anymore. I don't want his "energy" in the house and I don't want our daughter thinking things are back to "normal" when he is here. We have a park that is about a 2 minute walk from us. I guess when the weather is bad we can meet at the library, or perhaps an indoor play area or restaurant. How often and how long are your visits? Ours are 2x/week for 2 hours (although he rarely exercises the full parenting time). He has to exercise all parenting time and give 24 hours notice for cancellations for 3 months and then he gets 3 days/week. He has to do that for 3 months before getting unsupervised. At the rate he is going it will be a year or two before he gets unsupervised as the "clock" just started over last Thursday (and we started the schedule in April).

When my ex does show up he barely knows what to do with our daughter...he basically just sits there and I end up having to "suggest" something to do with her (ie...bring a ball to play with or colors). He basically is clueless when it comes to parenting her. I guess that must be the inability of him to feel "joy" as I have recently learned about....

How long were you married? Was he using throughout the marriage? I am so sorry your heart has been broken - although it sounds like you are doing all the right things....

hello-kitty

I get it. I tried to encourage my son's father to have a relationship with him but he was using drugs and unstable. Finally I decided I would no longer make it easy for him see his son. I would no longer allow the man in my house or allow him to take my child anywhere. I changed my phone number. And he just stopped trying.

Now my son hasn't seen his father in nearly 2 years. He misses him sometimes and that's sad. But his father is a crack head. It just wasn't safe or stable or sane to allow him to be around me or his son. The instability, irresponsibility and irrational behavior was just too much to put up with.

I tell my son daddy loves him but his daddy has an illness that causes him to make bad choices. I tried to introduce the concept of drug addiction to my son but it confused him. I spoke with the school counselor and she said it was too complex for a 6 year old to understand. He just knows that daddy left because he is a sick man and it affects the way he acts. He also knows that it has nothing to do with him.

Sometimes I tell my son that not all parents take good care of their children. But I always will always be there for him. I tell him that he will be fine no matter what choices his father makes. And that he can learn from his fathers mistakes.

There's not much else I can say.

Glad you are here though! You'll find much support and encouragement.

hello-kitty

I had to come back to this because I feel so strongly about it. I struggled for years thinking that my son NEEDED his father. I think trying to create that father-son relationship between a drug addict and his offspring did more harm than good and I wish I would have put my foot down much earlier in my son's life. (And my son was 4 the last time he saw his father.)

What a child "needs" is stability and a strong loving parent who makes her the number one priority in her life. She has that in you.

What a child doesn't need is an unstable drug addict in her life, that treats her like an option for when he's not high or strung out.)

Being a father is a privelege not a right. And not all fathers make good parents. And bad parents can do more harm than good in the long run.

story74

We have been together for 16 years and married for 8. He has always smoked weed. I think what happened is that when I got pregnant I grew up, and he still wanted to party. I remember rocking my son@ 2 months old and he was crying and colicky and my ex bent over to give me a kiss goodbye bc he wanted to go have a beer with friends..he worked all day. His downfall was loosing his high paying job bc he couldn't pass a drug test. He lost pension and health insurance. I was a stay at home mom. Anyways, he started driving a cab and was working nights. He started driving around this man and just basically disappeared mentally. Finally, he left my son and I on a coke binge. I had no clue he was on cocaine, but the other woman called and filled me in on everything and it all made sense. And then his friends verified. I gave him an ultimatum, leave or rehab. I couldnt believe it, but he left. He is soooooo angry. He told me i had no right to give him an ultimatum. Best thing i ever did. He left us in may and has seen my son 3 times since. He freaked out the week of our final judgement bc he realized he defaulted on the divorce and lost all rights to our son. So, now he is" clean" but behavior says otherwise. And, he is still hanging around with his coke buddies. So, I think he thinks he can control it. Total denial.

Anyways, he has 2 hours a week supervised. And I NEVER tell my son he is coming to visit. I was more then willing to give him more. I want my son to have a father...but I don't trust and am in mama protection mode. My ex has alot to prove. While my son was crying at night saying he missed his daddy, my ex was partying at a beach house and sent out a craigslist ad looking for whores and then later left to las Vegas to meet his whores mother. Never telling us where, how to contact or ever givingme a cent. If it wasn't for my parents, I would be in a shelter.

The day after our divorce we had talked and talked the night berore about how we wanted to coparent and be friends. He crie and apologized, and i bought it. I invited him into our home. My son wanted nothing to do with him. Wouldn't let him in the same room with us. Wouldn't let him eat with us. Wouldn't let him bath him. I had to mediate and show the ex how to act. There were points where he would be checking his stupid phone (reading texts) or turning up the music on the radio bc it was a good song. At one point my son was warming up to him and was telling him something, and the ex completely ignored him bc he was checking a text. It was sad. He is so caught up in the single party world he just has lost touch. He has no idea who my son is. I felt like we were in a fishbowl and the ex was just looking in. It was very odd. And, I could swear he showed up stoned. I called him out on this later, but I got the I was just tired excuse. Honestly, 45 minutes into the visit the ex was looking at what time it was and ready to leave. It was sad. Hasn't seen him since. That was aug. 12. 3 times since may! The ex doesn't realize that what he is doing to my son will effect him long term. He thinks by next month he will be getting the father of the year award. So, yea, he lacks parental skills. I hope he gets better. He has it in him. But, he hasn't changed his lifestyle. I think the park or a different location is better for us. Our home I think made it awkward. But whatever fits your needs. Thankfully they are young. Thankfully I have stayed home for 3 years. But, this is just the beginning. I hope i meet someone who values family and isn't self centered and selfish and his a good role model for my son. Its painful.

My goal (starting today) is to have no contact with him until our first meeting date next Monday. And if I don't hear from him, then oh well we wont see him. For me, for right now I need to be business professional and that's that. I need calm. I need to heal. Everything has changed so fast. And when I think about why and what he's thinking I have told myself to stop and say who cares and think about what makes me happy. I am free. I have my son. Life is so beautiful...his loss!

Hang in there mama! You are not alone.

story74

Amen hello-kitty!

itsanewday2011

Thanks everyone for the thoughts.

Story - wow - you are a strong woman. I will be thinking of you this week.

I had typed out a long response with more information on my "story" and my computer froze up....will have to try again later....maybe my computer thought it was "TMI"! Ha!

itsanewday2011

Random questions - I am so naive - how much is an 8 ball of C? Husband only used (or so I caught) 4x in the 3 weeks prior to going to rehab. But, his chart notes said he used an 8 ball the night before I took him in. I have some other interesting stories to share, but will save for later...this one is perplexing me.

itsanewday2011

Thanks Cynical. I still have no idea how much that is. (yes, I have never used so am clueless). Ex said he only used 4x in 3 weeks prior to rehab, yet by googling I seem to find that using an 8 ball for one person in a night is a heck of a lot! I don't know why I "noodle" these things months later....I guess I am wondering what he is doing now?

I need to take some advice from the forum and "DETACH"!

hello-kitty

An eightball is plenty of coke. It's enough to turn someone into a raving lunatic who just wants more more more. It's a big ol party in a baggie... for anyone. Use only leads to more use. It doesn't matter how much you start with. One is never enough.