squashblossom

I am new to posting. I have read the many "sticky" notes and other's posts and they have given me strength and hope. Yet here is another post about a person in despair because of their loved one being addicted to drugs.

My son has Asperger's disease. It is a type of autism. While he has an extremely high IQ, he has no sense and pretty much is perpetually stuck at age 15 or so in terms of maturity. Unlike someone who is just plain immature, these Asperger's people don't progress and can't really progress because they ain't all there. Yet they feel things very keenly, and I think it is this that leads them to substance abuse. They self-medicate and of course, with their poorer-than-usual skills, they then are addicted.

I'm just in despair. I have an elderly husband who just says things like "Let that freak go," and I've lost friends and family due to their rejection of my son ever since it was evident that he was different. My last friend won't stop saying, "Just throw him out, if he dies, he dies." My husband says either my son goes, or he goes.

My son I didn't even know was addicted until recently. Evidently he has been addicted to hydrocodone and other opiates for at least five years. I didn't know, as with the Asperger's he never really interacted. It's not like when you have a loving son and suddenly you notice a change. These Asperger's people can be extremely detached. Like I never got a hug in my life from him, never told he loves me, never called me mom, etc. They are just extremely different.

He's 21. I knew he was acting oddly, in that he began speaking to me very quickly, but it was so hard to tell if the oddness was just Asperger's or drugs, and I had never been around anyone who took drugs before or even drank. I tried to get him help and spent all of my limited savings on psychiatrist visits, thinking it was the Asperger's, and the psychiatrists never even picked up that he was an addict and in fact, prescribed drugs galore for him.

He got hold of his college money at his 21st birthday. It was a trust fund his bio dad had set up. I couldn't block it or keep it safe. Now, the money that was to have paid for the rest of his college is GONE. All of it, tens of thousands, GONE, gone for drugs, in a 7-month period. When it came time to pay for his tuition the other day, is when I found out about the drug use.

He is pressuring me terribly to pay for his college. His books, etc. And he is saying that he is "tapering" off. All this stuff about "a taper." It isn't a taper if you "relapse" daily. I don't know about addiction much yet, but from my reading, it doesn't sound like he's sincere. He is very sincere at bullying me into accepting his drug use, though. He throws out tons of big words and sends me links to studies "proving" that opiates are beneficial for depression and anxiety (which he has). He says he knows more than any pharmacist and makes fun of me if I say I think these studies may be true for some, but that I can see the drugs hurt him.

Anything that makes you use up all your funds for a better life cannot be good for you. Anything that alters judgement so that it's okay to terrorize your mom could not be good. Anything that makes a person steal and sneak cannot be good. I don't care if it were legal and free, it would be BAD for him.

I know he has been different and distressed since a toddler. But I also know these drugs are not the answer, and that fear walks with every one of us in life, and life is hard, and we have to do what we can to get through it, but what we do shouldn't make things worse but BETTER, and the drugs make things WORSE.

I'm scared of my own son. Due to the Asperger's he's always been very aloof and odd, but now he interacts with me in order to try to scare me into supporting his drug habit. Suicide is mentioned, and also the bullying and saying how bad and incredibly stupid I am, unlike him, the college guy.

I'm sorry this is so long. I'm just sad beyond all belief. I feel like an old ox someone just hit upside the head. There are no NA meetings here, but I'm gonig to the Wednesday Al-Anon if I can get my courage up. Thank you for reading this. I am just unsure, maybe he is right and I am killing his chances for happiness by refusing to help him get the only thing he says makes him feel happy and normal.

laurie6781

(((((Squashblossom)))))

WELCOME to Sober Recovery. I am grateful you have found us, but very sad for the reasons that brought you here. You are among 'friends' you have not even met yet. There is lots and lots of Experience, Strength, and Hope (ES&H) on here from folks who have gone through or are going through what you are.

Unfortunately that is right out of the "Addict/Alcoholic" play book. You are NOT killing his chances of happiness. This is 'typical' A manipulation to make us feel guilty and put the blame anywhere but on themselves.

There are 3 C's you will learn about very quickly at Alanon.

You didn't Cause this.

You can't Control this.

You can't Cure this.

Aspergers or no Aspergers he has to do this one on it's own, and yes it is going to really make your heart hurt.

I have known several over the years of my continuous recovery that did have Aspergers and DID GET Clean and Sober, .............................. when ............................. the He!! of continuing to use and/or drink became greater than the he!! of get clean and sober. Even those with afflictions like your son's HAVE to feel the CONSEQUENCES of their actions. They must not be protected.

No he didn't think ahead when he took his college money. The money was just a means to an end for him MORE DRUGS. Ironically that really wasn't from his affliction, that is the STATE OF MIND of most active Addicts/Alkies.

"I Want What I Want When I Want It". In this case drugs. In my case it was Alcohol and drugs.

You might want to pick up a book titled "Co Dependent No More" by Melodie Beattie, available on Amazon for a minimal cost. It will help YOU a lot, honest. Many of us on here have read, re-read, re-read, highlighted, highlighted again in another color, lol and have gained IMMENSE help from it. Myself included.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much. Please know that although we cannot be with you there in person we are with you 'in spirit' every day 24/7.

J M H O based on my own experience from over 30+ years continuous recovery from alcohol and drugs and over 27+ years continuous recovery from my own codependency issues.

I can personally understand your pain maybe more than you know. My youngest son, (I adopted my first's husbands 4 children when we got married, and he was 6 at the time) was an awful lot of heartbreak growing up. He was diagnosed as a sociopath, I personally think he is a psychopath. As soon as he turned 18 he went out killed a man to "see what it felt like." He, of course, was tried and convicted and at just under 19 years of age went to prison for life with NO possibility of parole. He is still there today 32 years later. He will die there. I still write him, however, may not get any letters for 6 months or more as he spends lots of 'time' in 'the hole' (solitary confinement) as he still continues to 'act out'.

I do understand your pain. I also understand this was not 'caused' by anything I did or did not do. It took a long time to get to that conclusion though.

Love and hugs,

Chino

I'm suggesting you speak with an addictionologist if at all possible, since you have doubts about how to medically help him. They will be able to tell you what an addict, especially one with Asperger's, needs to do to get clean and lead a balanced life. Arm yourself with knowledge! I did, and it tuned out all the BS from my now recovering addict daughter. My daughter does not have AS but she has one very weak neural connection in her brain that mirrors brain scans of people with AS.

Please follow through with Alanon and the suggestion for Melody Beattie's book. After I found all the medical/scientific answers to my questions, I still had to find a way to emotionally detach with love from my daughter and her addiction. Going by your post, there are several toxic people in your life and they aren't healthy for you at all. This program will help you change your circumstances with all your toxic relationships.

TMZ

Hello and welcome,
Glad you found us here. You are amongst friends. I know the pain you are feeling, having to deal with two sons with addictions.

I too have been where you are now. You sound like the perfect mom. But drugs are going to be the hardest test to parenthood that you will ever have to go through. You thought Asperger's disease was hard to deal with. Drug addiction is a disease that only they can deal with. .... The fact is that you have done your job as a parent, He has moved past your influence. He has to take all that you have taught him and use it to make his own life right. ... All you can do now is offer love and guidance. You can't go through it for him, you can't make it any easier on him. You can spend all you money on him but he will not change till he figures it out for himself.

Your friends and husband have reached this conclusion already. I know it sounds harsh but sometimes the truth hurts. (that reality is what your son needs to feel before he wakes up.) It is not giving up on him, it is letting go and letting God. It's letting him live as he chooses, he has to have the freedom to make his own mistakes, and live his own consequences. Then all the values you have taught him will come out.

I hope you do attend the al-anon meeting and if there is no nar-anon meetings around you there is one one line. They both have helped me so much.

JMFburns

sb,

Welcome to SR. I am so sorry for what has brought you here. But please know, you are among many warm, caring, knowledgeable people who are willing to share their stories and their experiences. Don't be scared to attend that AlAnon meeting, there you'll find a group of people who accept you for who you are - they won't judge and they won't tell you what to do - they'll also share their experiences and their collective strength - grab on to it!

It sounds like your son is taking care of himself to some extent - he accessed the money, went out and bought drugs, used the drugs, etc. all without your knowing??? So, it sounds like he would be capable of getting clean too! IMO, that's a bright side - he can take care of himself - as hard as it's going to be, you've got to let him do that. Believe, I know it hurts like he!!.

Keep reading, keeping posting, get to that meeting - you'll feel better in time.

wellnowwhat

It sounds too me like your son will throw everything at you to protect his addiction.

Educate yourself, read and read and read, and Alanon is a great idea. Alanon is for you. I found it will makes you feel less alone, it gives you tools to cope and relief from this anxiety.

You mentioned suicide. If he is hell bent on this, it is not because of something you do or say, or don't do or say. If he is determined, he's determined. Period.

If he is throwing this at you for manipulation to get his way, in my opinion it is one of the meanest tricks alcoholics/addicts do.

I feel that when suicide is mentioned, you are not a professional and have no way to determine which is the case (real determination vs. manipulation technique).

A friend of mine used to do this "we'll be sorry"..... etc. EVERY time he would throw this out there we called 911 to have professionals deal with it. In his case it was a manipulation technique and it only took a couple of times of EMS arriving and taking him to the hospital for evaluation before he rethought his strategy. And yes, he was furious at us for calling, but I felt he left us no choice.

But if he had been determined, then the help would have been available for him.

Thinking of you, your family and your son.

squashblossom

I cannot thank you enough for your encouragement. I came to read hoping against hope maybe someone had answered, as my son just got done pressuring me again and I was really unsure about whether I was thinking right or not - but these remarks and help have strengthened me and I thank you more than you can know, it is a lifeline to a drowning person who has been real short on anyone caring about the situation at all until YOU ALL took the time and kindness to answer and give advice. I can't reply to any PMs yet but I thank those who sent them, much appreciated (you have to have 5 posts to reply to PMs).

outtolunch

It is said that cognitive development ceases when drug addition sets in. Your comment about how he has no sense and seems like a perpetual 15 year old sort of ties in with the timeframe of using drugs.

He's certainly deomonstrating the most typical attribute of addiction, namely manipulation. His every walking moment is devoted to acquiring money to by drugs. Know that every cent you give him is going to be used to buy drugs.

Take the drugs out of the picture for a moment. Does he work? Live at home? Pay room and board? Do his own laundry? Acquire the fixings and prepare his own meals? Have a car? Pay for his own car insurance? Fill up the tank? A cell phone? A pc ? In other words, is he taking any sort of responsibility for himself, right now?

He is going to have to fall to learn how to pick himself up. Can you find the strength within yourself to let him fall?

In the meantime, batten down the hatches. Safeguard your bank account information, credit cards, PIN #'s and so on. If he cannot manipulate you, stealing is the next logical step.

And yeah....I can relate to being afraid of my own addicted child, all 100 pounds of her, at the time. When I look back, what I feared most was my own inability to control her and her choices.

Ann

I just want to welcome you too and send a hug because I know how hard all this is.

Please go to that meeting, it may be the best gift you ever gave yourself. Meetings literally saved my life and they have helped so many here find their balance again and surround themselves with support from people who really understand.

My son is an addict too, lost somewhere in his addiction. I know your pain.

Hugs from my heart to yours.

Nightsd

There's really not much more you can do other than realize that no matter what he says, drug addiction isn't ok or logical. If he tells you he's using drugs to combat depression and anxiety, tell him there are other treatments for both conditions.

He's smart, but his drug addiction clouds his judgment. Do not tell him that the pills are clouding his judgment, as most addicts cannot realize this fact until they quit.

Let him go if you love him. Don't pay for a thing until he quits.

dollydo

I cannot add much to what Out said, to me, she is right on the mark.

He is attempting to guilt and manipulate you. And, if you fall for his BS you will only be enabling him...not my rules, just how it works.

You are entitled to a peacefull, non toxic life with your husband, your son is old enough to take care of himself.

If he blew his college money on drugs, so be it, that was his choice.

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR......as always....I'm so sorry for the circumstances that have brought you here.

The good news. This is a wonderful forum full of people who understand how difficult it is to love an addict.

Coming here, going to meetings (Alanon and Naranon) and lots of reading have saved me from the emotions that an addict preys upon....fear, guilt, pity, shame and anger. These are the tools of their manipulation. I know I'm in trouble if I begin to feel any of these emotions when I'm with my son. Think about it. Who else do you interact with who immediately is able to manipulate those feelings in you. Can't think of anyone? Me neither.

My son is lost in his addiction. Living on the streets. I don't know how he is surviving. But he is. I have also dealt with the suicide threats (stirs up fear and guilt). I have listened to the pressure to give him money (stirs up guilt and pity). I have been yelled at (stirs up anger). I have been told about all of my inadequacies as a mother and a human being (stirs up shame). He has used my love against me when he tells me he loves me (stirs up the vast amount of love I have for him) before employing those other tactics. Those specific emotions are dangerous for me when it comes to my son. Working the program that I wish he would work is what has kept me sane.

It can work for anyone who wants it bad enough.

gentle hugs
ke

sugarbear1

Tough love time. Let college guy find a job to pay for college since he already spent his college funds. Illegally obtained drugs help no one. Sorry, his Asperger's isn't a reason for you to feel sorry for him. Rehab & NA meetings.

I wish you well.

December2011

I am new to the forum like you, and have found so much encouragement here. I think we have come to the right place.

I relate to you, my 24 year old son spent all his student loans and his settlement (12, 000) in about a months time on mostly drugs. he did manage to buy a computer though- he pawned it a few weeks after purchasing it.

my son does the same things; threatens suicide, bullies me, and tries to silver tongue me into giving in. I know how hard it is.

You have the added issue of his condition, which I am sure makes it way more difficult to know how to deal with this.

I think we have both made a good start by coming here, and for me it has helped me admit that I need help too, as well as get great ideas and support.

I am sorry that I can't be of more help, but I was hoping it would just help a little to know you are not alone.

My thoughts are with you and your son.

Hugs