Anyone here that is with their addict and they are in recovery?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 127
Anyone here that is with their addict and they are in recovery?
I am looking for some words of hope and inspiration. I see alot of people on here that have left their addicted significant others. Is there anyone here that is still with them and can share a success story? How long have they been clean? Is it still a bumpy road? What would you say to someone that was just going though it now?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 45
I've had a very hard time finding partners that have stayed as well, it looks like most marriages/relationships end up falling apart. I'm with my AH, but I don't really have a long story. He just got back from rehab a few weeks ago, he did use one time, but at least he told me about it and rather than getting high it actually made him sick. He really is trying and he has changed, I don't think he's used again, but I honestly I don't know. He did buy a drug test and told me he'd be willing to take it at anytime. I think this is going to be a long slow road, but he's positive and really wants to stay clean. If he can't, I'll have no choice I will have to leave him, because we have two small children and I won't expose them to an active addict. Anyway...I'm trying to stay with him...I want to stay with him...but I don't know if it will work or not.
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
karrie,
there are success stories when both people work a strong recovery program. I know of a woman in my city that has stayed with her husband through his crack addiction and his 5 years of recovery. I ran into her the other day and she said that they are still together but there are "issues".
I'm sure that there will be some people that come along and share there stories of hope. I remember a thread like this a couple of months ago.
I could have had a success story except that I didn't.....I have worked my own recovery REALLY hard. My former husband worked his until the month after we married. He had had 16 months of recovery when we married. He had used crack for 20+ years before he got sober. I stuck it out with him for almost 5 years while he tried to do it "his way". He was horrible to live with and I ended up leaving him this past May. Now I hear that he's "not an alcoholic" and is doing some controlled drinking. I honestly saw a big difference in him when he went to meetings and at least tried. So.....we had a success story until he stopped going to meetings. I bet we'd still be together if he had stayed at it - but maybe not. However, we will never know.
I think that the difficult thing is that you just can't ever know what a person is going to do and how committed they will remain. I sure do wish that I had keep my distance from him until he proved that he could (and would) do it on his own.
I have seen a number of couples in AA that have stayed together. I haven't seen the same thing in NA/Naranon though.....I'm sure that there are some.
I'd like to get to know you better and hear how you are handling things. I remember how I felt in early recovery with my husband. I just wanted to find even one couple that had made it. I'm glad that you have found us. One thing that I can promise you is that if you work your own recovery then you'll be better off no matter what happens.
there are success stories when both people work a strong recovery program. I know of a woman in my city that has stayed with her husband through his crack addiction and his 5 years of recovery. I ran into her the other day and she said that they are still together but there are "issues".
I'm sure that there will be some people that come along and share there stories of hope. I remember a thread like this a couple of months ago.
I could have had a success story except that I didn't.....I have worked my own recovery REALLY hard. My former husband worked his until the month after we married. He had had 16 months of recovery when we married. He had used crack for 20+ years before he got sober. I stuck it out with him for almost 5 years while he tried to do it "his way". He was horrible to live with and I ended up leaving him this past May. Now I hear that he's "not an alcoholic" and is doing some controlled drinking. I honestly saw a big difference in him when he went to meetings and at least tried. So.....we had a success story until he stopped going to meetings. I bet we'd still be together if he had stayed at it - but maybe not. However, we will never know.
I think that the difficult thing is that you just can't ever know what a person is going to do and how committed they will remain. I sure do wish that I had keep my distance from him until he proved that he could (and would) do it on his own.
I have seen a number of couples in AA that have stayed together. I haven't seen the same thing in NA/Naranon though.....I'm sure that there are some.
I'd like to get to know you better and hear how you are handling things. I remember how I felt in early recovery with my husband. I just wanted to find even one couple that had made it. I'm glad that you have found us. One thing that I can promise you is that if you work your own recovery then you'll be better off no matter what happens.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 104
I guess I'm a success story. So far, anyway. My husband is an oxy addict and an alcoholic. He quit drinking last July and that didn't seem too difficult for him. Quitting the oxy is another story. He quit several times over the past year. This past April he quit "for good". He hasn't relapsed, but it's always a bad decision away. He's close to 5 months clean now, finished a 30 day inpatient program and is still involved in a 6 month outpatient program. He also decided to see a psychiatrist and was diagnosed bipolar. He was diagnosed as having ADD by several other therapists, but the meds he's on now have REALLY made a difference. He isn't as moody or angry. We communicate better too. Granted, he is still relatively new in his recovery, but he's doing very well. I, on the other hand was not. Which is why I came here. Even though he was clean, I kept searching for reasons not to trust him. I searched his car, his phone, his personal belongings and was basically calling him a liar every time he opened his mouth. Since coming here I learned I am codependent and have begun my own recovery program. Learning to worry about myself and stop trying to control him and his decisions. Allowing him to take responsibility of his own actions.
So, we're doing well. I know how fragile his recovery is. He understands that I will not be part of a marriage with an active addict. He respects my boundary and the fact that I'm recovering from codependency. It's made our lives a lot less stressful and it's made me a happier person.
So, we're doing well. I know how fragile his recovery is. He understands that I will not be part of a marriage with an active addict. He respects my boundary and the fact that I'm recovering from codependency. It's made our lives a lot less stressful and it's made me a happier person.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 11
well, i wouldn't say i have a success story as i'm not sure how many of them truly are, i will say however that i have a "work in progress" story...it's a long one though, but as i had a counselor tell me we have to look forward before we can look ahead, so i feel it's important to understand WHERE i\we have been.
I met my husband at the old age of 18. I was young and naive. I grew up in a sheltered southern baptist home with my grandparents. I had no clue about addiction or anything it entailed. Within months, I was in love. I was going to spend the rest of my life with this man, flaws and all. At first, it was fun, we drank together, we used together. We were spontaneous. We were a good time. Then, overnight, everything changed. I got pregnant. Suddenly, I was no fun and we were no more.
Years passed, and we had 2 more kids (total is up to 3 if you're wondering). With each year his addictions grew. Alcohol, cocaine, and chaos were his mistresses. I was nothing more than the bitch standing in the way. But I held on with all my might. I pulled him in the house all those nights he was too drunk to stand. I saw the man I just knew he could be. I took the verbal and emotional abuse that came with it. I held my tongue. Then again, everything changed. I realized I didn't HAVE to live like this. With my new found courage I started giving him every ounce of abuse he gave me. Every fight he started I made sure I finished. I threatened to put him out (the house is mine). His only saving grace would be sobriety. So he tried it. I thought he was doing well. He lied-about everything. Turns out I was wrong. He was still actively using.
About 4 months ago, our "cycle" started again. Turns out our "cycle" was his addiction in full swing. (This "cycle" had been going on for 13 years.) What kept me sane was somewhere along the road, I had managed to separate the man from the disease. For many years I didn't see him tormenting me and I urged him to be true to himself. Later, I found out he had been using cocaine regularly for 3 years-I was clueless.
Unfortunately, he interpreted that to mean that I was supportive of his addiction. The Friday night before Father's Day he left to exchange a battery, he got home at 7:30 Saturday morning (6 pack in hand, that's why he was so late-had to wait so he could buy beer). At that moment, I realized I couldn't save him, I could only save myself and my kids. For the first time, I didn't yell, I didn't argue. I told him I was done. I asked him if he was going to get sober. He said no. I told him there was nothing left for us to discuss other than the logistics of our separation. I planned to go pick up separation papers (they had been drawn up for years) from my lawyer on Father's Day. She's a close friend, so that was doable. Then he dropped the bombshell, suggesting inpatient treatment.
I chose to support him, cautiously. He made all the arrangements. He made all the phone calls. I would have no part of it. I wasn't going to make it any easier for him. And he did. The day he checked into treatment and walked inside, I was left in the car. Alone. Completely unprepared for this. I never thought he'd do it. It was hard.
His facility had an amazing family program that I participated in. That program did not save my marriage, but it saved me.
He has been sober 63 days (yay!). Amazingly, our marriage is starting to resemble a normal relationship. I don't know this man I am married to and I believe that has been OUR saving grace. The man I knew was an active addict. I don't know how to react to this fella. Make no mistake, it's hard. We have to WORK on our marriage everyday, just as we both have to work our own individual programs everyday. The damage was extensive, but with enough work we both feel it's repairable. There are boundaries in place, but they are mine. I cannot say "if you aren't sober we aren't together." For me that is an expectation and that is the first step to failure. He will always be an addict. Today, he is a recovering addict. And, today, I am happy. Today, I am happy in my marriage and I am grateful for that. I do not know if tomorrow will bring another day of happiness, I do not know if tomorrow will bring another day of sobriety. All I have is today, and I will enjoy every minute of it.
I met my husband at the old age of 18. I was young and naive. I grew up in a sheltered southern baptist home with my grandparents. I had no clue about addiction or anything it entailed. Within months, I was in love. I was going to spend the rest of my life with this man, flaws and all. At first, it was fun, we drank together, we used together. We were spontaneous. We were a good time. Then, overnight, everything changed. I got pregnant. Suddenly, I was no fun and we were no more.
Years passed, and we had 2 more kids (total is up to 3 if you're wondering). With each year his addictions grew. Alcohol, cocaine, and chaos were his mistresses. I was nothing more than the bitch standing in the way. But I held on with all my might. I pulled him in the house all those nights he was too drunk to stand. I saw the man I just knew he could be. I took the verbal and emotional abuse that came with it. I held my tongue. Then again, everything changed. I realized I didn't HAVE to live like this. With my new found courage I started giving him every ounce of abuse he gave me. Every fight he started I made sure I finished. I threatened to put him out (the house is mine). His only saving grace would be sobriety. So he tried it. I thought he was doing well. He lied-about everything. Turns out I was wrong. He was still actively using.
About 4 months ago, our "cycle" started again. Turns out our "cycle" was his addiction in full swing. (This "cycle" had been going on for 13 years.) What kept me sane was somewhere along the road, I had managed to separate the man from the disease. For many years I didn't see him tormenting me and I urged him to be true to himself. Later, I found out he had been using cocaine regularly for 3 years-I was clueless.
Unfortunately, he interpreted that to mean that I was supportive of his addiction. The Friday night before Father's Day he left to exchange a battery, he got home at 7:30 Saturday morning (6 pack in hand, that's why he was so late-had to wait so he could buy beer). At that moment, I realized I couldn't save him, I could only save myself and my kids. For the first time, I didn't yell, I didn't argue. I told him I was done. I asked him if he was going to get sober. He said no. I told him there was nothing left for us to discuss other than the logistics of our separation. I planned to go pick up separation papers (they had been drawn up for years) from my lawyer on Father's Day. She's a close friend, so that was doable. Then he dropped the bombshell, suggesting inpatient treatment.
I chose to support him, cautiously. He made all the arrangements. He made all the phone calls. I would have no part of it. I wasn't going to make it any easier for him. And he did. The day he checked into treatment and walked inside, I was left in the car. Alone. Completely unprepared for this. I never thought he'd do it. It was hard.
His facility had an amazing family program that I participated in. That program did not save my marriage, but it saved me.
He has been sober 63 days (yay!). Amazingly, our marriage is starting to resemble a normal relationship. I don't know this man I am married to and I believe that has been OUR saving grace. The man I knew was an active addict. I don't know how to react to this fella. Make no mistake, it's hard. We have to WORK on our marriage everyday, just as we both have to work our own individual programs everyday. The damage was extensive, but with enough work we both feel it's repairable. There are boundaries in place, but they are mine. I cannot say "if you aren't sober we aren't together." For me that is an expectation and that is the first step to failure. He will always be an addict. Today, he is a recovering addict. And, today, I am happy. Today, I am happy in my marriage and I am grateful for that. I do not know if tomorrow will bring another day of happiness, I do not know if tomorrow will bring another day of sobriety. All I have is today, and I will enjoy every minute of it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: hot as heck, az
Posts: 142
My first night in my 'home' Alanon group was speaker night. The woman told her story, about her marriage to an alcoholic husband and her salvation through the program. I expected her to say that her marriage fell apart and was really surprised when she said they have been married for 30 years. Both work their own programs diligently. I was encouraged and inspired that there are people out there that make it.
I received a beautifully written letter from my AGF today. She is obviously working her program and motivated to be sober.... today. I can't speak for tomorrow and neither can she. But just for today I am happy for her and have gratitude for her efforts.
I don't know what she'll end up doing when she gets out of rehab. She could very well relapse and make the same old excuses as before. The only thing that I know for sure is that I won't be taking a front row seat to it anymore.
I received a beautifully written letter from my AGF today. She is obviously working her program and motivated to be sober.... today. I can't speak for tomorrow and neither can she. But just for today I am happy for her and have gratitude for her efforts.
I don't know what she'll end up doing when she gets out of rehab. She could very well relapse and make the same old excuses as before. The only thing that I know for sure is that I won't be taking a front row seat to it anymore.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I'm sad things didn't work out with my son's father but I still see myself as a success story. I think we need to open up our minds a little. Failed relationships do not mean we are unsuccessful. They are just part of the process. Life is a journey. We make mistakes. We wear blinders when it comes to our bad choices sometimes. We pick the wrong person. Success is true examination of self and personal growth. Success is learning from your mistakes and not making them again. Success is something that comes from within, just like happiness. It is being the best person YOU can be.
Anyone can stay in a relationship. But that doesn't mean the relationship is happy, fulfilling or successful.
As HG Wells said, "The only true measure of success is the ratio between what we might have done and what we might have been on the one hand, and the thing we have made and the things we have made of ourselves on the other."
Anyone can stay in a relationship. But that doesn't mean the relationship is happy, fulfilling or successful.
As HG Wells said, "The only true measure of success is the ratio between what we might have done and what we might have been on the one hand, and the thing we have made and the things we have made of ourselves on the other."
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: PM me
Posts: 324
Anvil I've always wondered... I'm. Sure ur story is posted somewhere. But what was ur moment of clarity?
U seem like a rare breed indeed
Simply amazing. It fascinates me, that people can recover once they want it.
Esp. Since you REALLY seem to be healed, not just from your addiction.
I only wish our loved ones could heal too. Addiction is a symptom
And I know for my A it would take years for him to get to acceptable place, and this would be after he chose lol...
I used to be desperate to hear success stories back when I was really really engaged with my A. It can seem so hopeless and depressing. So you ask around, google etc. At least I did. I was I obsessed with reassuring myself that what I believed in (his healing) could happen. And it can...but I'm certainly not gonna hold my breath and I'm not going to watch someone circle the drain.
"recovery happens everyday", but do you find you believe in this person and their recovery more than you or yours? I know I did.
And sometimes I still question it...Whew this is tough stuff, but once our happiness isn't dependent upon others it gets easier. And sometimes that means letting someone go because they are making us sick. And that's when the tough part begins, because you are no longer "needed".
Hope was MY crack. And I just had an aha moment here...What if we ourselves feel hopeless, so hoping, living, breathing, caretaking makes us feel alive. Happy. Needed.safe because we can repeat familiar patterns.
But yes. Everyone always loves a good fairytale we tell ourselves. And Im mostly saying this to myself. It's the hardest part to let go of. The dream. ugh it's killer!
I hope YOU are doing well Karrie. I know how hard it is, you live with him right? Can't imagine that.
U seem like a rare breed indeed
Simply amazing. It fascinates me, that people can recover once they want it.
Esp. Since you REALLY seem to be healed, not just from your addiction.
I only wish our loved ones could heal too. Addiction is a symptom
And I know for my A it would take years for him to get to acceptable place, and this would be after he chose lol...
I used to be desperate to hear success stories back when I was really really engaged with my A. It can seem so hopeless and depressing. So you ask around, google etc. At least I did. I was I obsessed with reassuring myself that what I believed in (his healing) could happen. And it can...but I'm certainly not gonna hold my breath and I'm not going to watch someone circle the drain.
"recovery happens everyday", but do you find you believe in this person and their recovery more than you or yours? I know I did.
And sometimes I still question it...Whew this is tough stuff, but once our happiness isn't dependent upon others it gets easier. And sometimes that means letting someone go because they are making us sick. And that's when the tough part begins, because you are no longer "needed".
Hope was MY crack. And I just had an aha moment here...What if we ourselves feel hopeless, so hoping, living, breathing, caretaking makes us feel alive. Happy. Needed.safe because we can repeat familiar patterns.
But yes. Everyone always loves a good fairytale we tell ourselves. And Im mostly saying this to myself. It's the hardest part to let go of. The dream. ugh it's killer!
I hope YOU are doing well Karrie. I know how hard it is, you live with him right? Can't imagine that.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 127
Thank you all for your posts. I have done alot of soul searching this weekend. You are right a success story doesn't mean it has to mean working things out with the addict. It is helpful to hear these stories, however that is not the main goal. In order for me to feel successful means for ME to be in a good space. For ME to be happy with my choices and the people that are in my life. I am going to work on ME and making a success story for myself and maybe my AH will to if not thats his choice. I'm letting go . . .
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I still see myself as a success story. I think we need to open up our minds a little. Failed relationships do not mean we are unsuccessful. They are just part of the process. Life is a journey. We make mistakes. We wear blinders when it comes to our bad choices sometimes. We pick the wrong person. Success is true examination of self and personal growth. Success is learning from your mistakes and not making them again. Success is something that comes from within, just like happiness. It is being the best person YOU can be.
Anyone can stay in a relationship. But that doesn't mean the relationship is happy, fulfilling or successful.
Anyone can stay in a relationship. But that doesn't mean the relationship is happy, fulfilling or successful.
Beautifully stated! I love it!
gentle hugs
ke
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