ThatLittleGirl

Hello all...I need some advice from my friends at SR. A little background...I divorced my exah in July of last year; I had already relocated to a small town my parents live in three months prior. My exah eventually followed me and the girls (we have twin daughters together) to the same small town to live with his parents...who also live here. Long story short, we've learned to live civilly and work with each other for the benefit of the girls.

That being said, we don't have too much contact...mostly when dropping off or picking up the girls. But during those brief moments, he seemed better...much better. I, and I am being completely honest when I say this, was hopeful for the girls sake. I knew in my heart that I could never be with him again...I had absolutely NO desire in that department, but I hoped for our daughters sake that he was getting healthy. If I were honest, however, I think there was a part of me that never trusted him...felt that other than superficially looking good, he had made no major changes. And he still exhibited major "me, me, me" behaviors. But for some stupid reason I don't think I will ever understand, I had hope he was making small steps forward for his girls...solely based on his appearance.

Fast forward to today, I get an email from him requesting a cell number for a mother whose daughter attended the same pre-k as our daughters. Now, this caused my radar to start flashing red warning signs. Why? Well, she is known as a pill addict. She has been dropped from several doctors for her questionable habits (one of whom is a pain management doctor). And I will say after having one phone conversation, I had a hunch she was...she just sounded too much like talking to my exah on the phone. It was later confirmed by a friend of mine who had a falling out with her. Apparently this mother became very vindictive with my friend when she pulled away. So my friend was just warning me about this mother because she knew I was new to the community. We had become good friends and she didn't want me to become caught-up in this mother's web.

When I received his email, my first thought was to wonder how he even knew this mother. Then I figured they had met at the community pool this summer as its a popular place here. But my second thought was why he would want to contact her for any reason whatsoever. And I'm not stupid. I have to believe that its for nefarious reasons...either buying or selling pills. When I made these connections, my stomach dropped. Finally, after a year, my daughters and I feel like we belong to this community. They just started kindergarten today and love the school and the teachers and their friends. If my exah is doing this, he could be arrested...and in this small town...his picture will be plastered all over the community paper. I have seen it many times...last year there was a major Meth ring busted...and they listed names and pictures prominently on the front.

I am mortified...truly I am for my daughters...and honestly, me too! I feel like, if he wants to do this, then do it...I cannot stop him...but not here!!! Not in the town we've made our home!!! I alternate from furious to mortified, back to furious again. Do I know for certain why he wants to contact her? No!!! But I am not stupid! If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck...well, you get the picture.

If you read this far...thank you! Here's where I need advice. Should I confront him? On one hand, I say no...he'll just deny...and lie...and deny. So why bother? We're not married, and he can do whatever he pleases. On the other hand, I want to put a boundary out there for him. Let him know that I don't care what business he is transacting with this woman, I don't want our daughters impacted by his poor choices. I want him to know, that if he gets busted in any way shape or form (three times this man has beat the system) I will do everything in my power to sever his parental rights. I want him to know that. But then I think...what good will it do? He's in active addiction, he won't hear me...not really. On the other hand, doesn't the truth need to be said...even if he chooses to ignore it?

I don't know...what do you think? Your advice is mucho appreciated right now!!!

suki44883

I hope you didn't give him the cell number. If he wants her number, he can get it from her himself. As far as the rest goes, I wouldn't say anything to him about it. He's going to do whatever he's going to do. If he gets arrested or whatever, then you can do damage control regarding the girls, but other than that, he'll have to deal with the consequences of his actions. Worrying about what he might be doing or why he does what he does is useless. Focus on yourself and your daughters and what is happening in the here and now, not what may or may not happen in the future.

ThatLittleGirl

You've answered your own question. - I know...and honestly were it just I, I would not care. But its the potential to affect my daughters that hurts. This is a small community...deep in the heart of Texas...and if it were known, I'm sure many mothers, some of whom are my daughters friends, would keep their children away...as a safety measure. I can't say I blame them. That's the part that makes me feel like his presence here still affects all of us...but mostly the girls. We came here to make a new start and he follows under the guise of being close to his girls. I know he loves them in the distorted way addicts do...but he's an active addict...and nothing good ever comes from it.

What are the guidelines of the court ordered visitation agreement? - Unfortunately, when it was written, I was not where I am today emotionally and mentally. So, as written, he has standard visitation rights. But truly, he rarely sees them...or fits them into his schedule. It's mostly phone calls. When he does, it's at his house...which is his mother's house...so she's always around when they're there. If she's not there, I don't take them.

lightseeker

Thatlittlegirl,

I think that the answer is to play the tape through to the end....will saying anything make a lick of difference? Most likely not. I warned the heck out of my former husband and stated repeatedly what my boundaries were.....what finally made the difference was when I quit warning him and just did it.....he knew what my boundaries were and did not need to be reminded. I think that I had to remind myself what the boundaries were!

Remember, your daughters have a higher power that is looking out for them. I understand your concerns about your small town but I also know that you really never know how people might come through for you in the end.

Hope things are going well.....

ThatLittleGirl

I hope you didn't give him the cell number. - No, I do not intend to give him that number!

Worrying about what he might be doing or why he does what he does is useless. - That is a good point. I am anticipating disaster where there is none...yet. And there may never be an issue.

I guess it boils down to living with my choices. I made the choice to marry and have kids with an active addict . So, this is the outcome of my decisions...good, bad or indifferent. It kinda sucks though. Figuring all this out at the end of the process...kinda makes me wish I could have heeded my inner warning system a lot sooner.

I LOVE my kids immensely, btw, and I do not regret them...just me coming to terms with my life as it is today.

ThatLittleGirl

Remember, your daughters have a higher power that is looking out for them. - Yes, I must remember that. I pray for God's blessing on their lives every night. Ultimately, it is He who is protecting them.

I also know that you really never know how people might come through for you in the end. - Yes, that is true. I've developed a few close relationships, and they know me and my history. They would never abandon me or my daughters, of that I'm confident. And I'm quite sure there are others out there who would surprise me...I haven't really given this community enough credit. It's a wonderful place with a lot of wonderful people.

outtolunch

He lives with his parents?

Is he employed?

Is he paying child support?

Your ex husband's behavior is none of your concern. On the other hand, I would be inclined to let him know that I would chop off his meatballs if his behavior causes embarassment for his children.

ThatLittleGirl

He lives with his parents? - Yes, actually its just his mom now (she's a major co-dependent, btw) as his father passed away earlier this year. He's unemployed, so he doesn't have the money to live on his own. He's got debt coming out the wazoo... Interestingly enough, he's only one month behind in child support...and its a chunk of change (determined before he lost his very lucrative job)... I don't know how he's paying it, and frankly, it makes my stomach queasy thinking about it. I've thought about giving him some money back because I know he's paying way too much, but then I think I'm being a codie and if he wants to reduce it, he needs to file for a reduction and handle it legally. If I gave him any money back now, he'd only blow it on drugs!

I would be inclined to let him know that I would chop off his meatballs if his behavior causes embarassment for his children. - LOL...that is exactly how I feel...and in exactly those terms

Eddiebuckle

It's totally appropriate to set a boundary. And it need not be said in a totally negative way - you could give him the benefit of a doubt and say that this woman is not someone who is going to be good for his recovery program.

JMFburns

IMO - just live your life, focus on you & your girls and let him live his life. You know what your boundaries are, there is NO need to state them to him, I like what lightseeker said "what finally made the difference was when I quit warning him and just did it.....he knew what my boundaries were and did not need to be reminded. I think that I had to remind myself what the boundaries were!"

Good luck.

dollydo

"I've thought about giving him some money back because I know he's paying way too much,"

Ahh, no, put the excess away for their college education, as, his mother just might die, and, then I am quite sure that the ex will not continue to pay the support.

As for the rest, hold your head high and go forward with your life, it is no relflection on you or your children.

And yes, if he gets too out of hand, chop his meatballs off, on drugs he doesn't need them anyway.

ThatLittleGirl

Have I said how much I love SR lately??? A person can come here and get the insight and advice they need!!! And the people here will always tell you what you need to hear...even if it isn't what you want to hear! This is truly an amazing group of people!!!

Well, I talked to exah this evening. I told him I did not have this mother's cell number nor did I ever want to have it. I told him she's an addict and completely unacceptable company to be keeping. To which exah proceeded to tell me his relationship with this mother was information gathering in nature only (I guess he thinks I'm an idiot)!!! Supposedly he met her at the community pool when she recognized our twins, and upon finding out he was a therapist (ironic, I know), proceeded to pour out her life story to him. He says he already knew she was an addict, and (he says this in a self-righteous voice) as a good dad he doesn't think she is acceptable for the girls to be around either. But he listened to her stories in order to gather information and be in the "know" as a good father should be. He concluded by saying this mother called his cell phone, and he thought it might be her number so he called me to confirm it was her so he could ignore it. Uh, huh...yeah right!!! When I asked why she had his cell number in the first place, he claims he was being friendly when he first met her at the pool and didn't see any harm in making friends. But when he figured out her problems, he didn't want anything to do with her. Right, right, right...sure, I believe you:rotfxko:rotfxko

I made two things very clear to him 1. I do not want the girls around drugs of any sort, for any reason 2. This mother is an addict and it is completely unacceptable for our daughters to be in her presence...ever!!! Period.

He said he agreed, but I know he's just saying what he thinks I want to hear. Either way, I know I've told him, and now I feel completely comfortable enforcing any consequences that come if he acts against the best interests of our daughters. As was said above...enough talking...if he crosses a boundary, I will be enforcing it. Period, end of story.

That being said, its so tough having children with an addict. As limited as their involvement is (I try to keep it that way), they love him, he's their father, and at almost six, they want to know he loves them too! It is a cruel injustice, it seems, for me to keep him away from them, even if it is best. They are so vulnerable, I feel all I can do is try to shield them the best I can. I just hope my best is good enough!

Thanks again SR for all the advice. There's no parenting guide out there for dealing with these special situations...the insight and advice you all give is priceless!!!

dollydo

Jeez, one really needs a sense of humor when dealing with an addict...Sometimes I found it hard not to laugh right in my exabf's face, he came out with some real dumb stuff!

Keep marching forward, left, right, left, right!